Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

THE COYOTE



California:

The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature
trail.

A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor's dog, then bites the
Governor.

1. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie
"Bambi" and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only
doing what is natural.

2. He calls animal control . Animal Control captures the coyote
and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating
it.

3. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and
bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.

4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked
for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.

5. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game
conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of
dangerous animals.

6. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a
"coyote awareness program" for residents of the area.

7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better
treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the
world.

8. The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the
attack. The State spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with
additional special training re: the nature of coyotes.

9. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit
against the State.


TEXAS :

The Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature
trail. A Coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.

1. The Governor shoots the coyote with his State-issued pistol and
keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point
cartridge.

2. The Buzzards eat the dead coyote.

And that, my friends, is why California is broke and Texas is not.

 

[moreluck]

Forgot to mention that the previous joke was sent to me by LueCFur! Thanks

 

[moreluck]

OLD IS WONDERFUL...Let Us Take Note ...

that it is the old apple trees that are decked with the loveliest blossoms,

that it is the ancient redwoods that rise to majestic heights,

that it is the old violins that produce the richest tones,

that it is the oldest wine that tastes the sweetest,

that it is the ancient coins, old stamps and antique furniture that many eagerly seek,

that it is when the day is old and far spent

that it displays the beauteous colors of sunset,

that it is when the year is old and has run its course

that mother nature transforms the world into a fairyland of snow,

that old friends are the dearest and it's the old people who have been loved by God for a long, long time.

Thank God for the blessings of old age, its faith, it's love, it's hope,it's patience, it's wisdom, it's experience, it's maturity.

When all is said and done, Old Is Wonderful!

~ Sr. M. Gemma Brunke

 

[moreluck]

MURPHY'S LAWS for MOVING

No matter how many boxes you have, you will always need one more.

The more your friends promise to help, the more likely it is they will have something come up the day you move.

Whatever you need is at the bottom of the box you taped shut ten minutes ago.

Now that you are moving and no longer need it, you will find the item you spent two years looking for.

The tape, the scissors, the markers, and the screwdriver are all familiar with the rules to Hide-And-Seek.

You will never break something cheap that you never liked anyway ... only family heirlooms get broken during a move.

No matter how large the new place is, it will not have enough room once you begin to move in.

If you stay up all night packing for the movers, they will be late.

 

[moreluck]

Subject: How Women See the World........
http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/how-women-see-the-world.htm

 

[moreluck]

Bumper Sticker Sayings

1. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.

2. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.

3. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

4. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

5. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

6. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

7. You! Off my planet!

8. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.

9. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

10. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

11. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

12. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.

13. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

14. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

15. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

16. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!

17. Adults are just kids who owe money.

18. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

19. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

20. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

21. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.

22. You look like hell. Is that the style now?

23. Earth is full. Go home.

24. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

25. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

26. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

27. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

28. You're so fat, the last time you went on a bus, the ticket read ''Please allow up to 28 days for delivery''

29. I've seen better looking butts in an ash tray.

30. You know you're a computer nerd when you know more IP addresses than phone numbers!

 

[moreluck]

Canada Humor.........

The beaver, which has come to represent Canada as the eagle does the United States and the lion Britain, is a flat-tailed, slow-witted, toothy rodent known to bite off it's own testicles or to stand under its own falling trees. ~ June Callwood

It seems that Canada's historic mission is to come to the selfless aid both of its friends and of complete strangers, and then, once the crisis is over, to be well and truly ignored. Canada is the perpetual wallflower that stands on the edge of the hall, waiting for someone to come and ask her for a dance. ~ Kevin Myers (The Daily Telegraph, London)

Canada is a country whose main exports are hockey players and cold fronts. Our main imports are baseball players and acid rain. ~ Pierre E. Trudeau

Canada is a country so square that even the female impersonators are women. ~ Richard Benner

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?" ~ Steven Wright

Canada's national bird is the grouse. ~ Stuart Keate

Canada is like an old cow. The West feeds it. Ontario and Quebec milk it. And you can well imagine what it's doing in the Maritimes. ~ Tommy Douglas

The great themes of Canadian history are as follows: Keeping the Americans out, keeping the French in, and trying to get the Natives to somehow disappear. ~ Will Ferguson

 

[moreluck]

Just as a young man was about to get a chest X-Ray, the equipment slipped and his pelvic region was X-Ray'd instead.

"Oh, no! cried the lab technician." Your reproductive organs just received a dose of radiation!"

"What does that mean?" asked the worried young man.

"It's serious," replied the technician. "All your children will be lawyers!"

 

[moreluck]

At that moment.........

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/at-that-moment.htm

 

[moreluck]

Bro, are you OK?

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/bro-you-ok.htm

 

[moreluck]

Tennis anyone.............??

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/tennis.htm

 

[moreluck]

One evening while I was preparing dinner, my daughter came into the kitchen asking for homework help on her vocabulary words. "Mom," she asked, "what's a quarter horse?"

As I thought of a simple explanation, my five-year-old son piped up, "It's the one they have in front of the grocery store."



A man was bragging about his sister who disguised herself, as a man and joined the army.

"But, wait a minute," said the listener, "She'll have to dress with the boys and shower with them too. Won't she?"

"Sure," replied the man.

"Well, won't they find out?"

"And who's gonna tell?"

 

[DS]

A teacher asks the class,I want you to use the word fascinate in a sentence,
Jenny puts up her hand,we went to the zoo and I was fascinated by the monkeys.
The teacher says,very good but I was looking for fascinate not fascinated.
Billy puts up his hand,my parents took me to the museum and I was in fascination at
the size of the dinosaurs.Please use the word and not extentions of the word.
Reluctantly the teacher pointed to Johnny,waving his hands in the air.
My aunt has this sweater with 10 buttons,but her tits are so big she can only
fasten eight

 

[moreluck]

Two attorneys were walking out of a bar and a beautiful young lady walks by. One attorney turns to his associate and comments "Boy, I would like to screw her! The other attorney thinks for a second and said "Out of what"?

 

[moreluck]

Woman shot in head!

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.

When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered.

Linda is blonde, a Democrat and an Obama supporter, but that could all be a coincidence.

​

 

[brownedout]

A teacher asks the class,I want you to use the word fascinate in a sentence,
Jenny puts up her hand,we went to the zoo and I was fascinated by the monkeys.
The teacher says,very good but I was looking for fascinate not fascinated.
Billy puts up his hand,my parents took me to the museum and I was in fascination at
the size of the dinosaurs.Please use the word and not extentions of the word.
Reluctantly the teacher pointed to Johnny,waving his hands in the air.
My aunt has this sweater with 10 buttons,but her tits are so big she can only
fasten eight

CEASE FIRE! I made you spit your beer, you made me spit my lemonade,...'tis better to waste lemonade than beer. Thanks, haven't laughed that hard in a while.

 

[moreluck]

Breaking News: "Casey Anthony places a call to 911 in fear for her life".

(Dispatcher) What is your emergency?

(Casey) Please help me, I have a bunch of people trying to kill me.

(Dispatcher) Okay ma'am, calm down. What is your name?

(Casey) Casey Anthony.

(Dispatcher)Okay Miss Anthony try to stay calm, an officer will be there in 31 days......

 

[moreluck]

Crossbred Dogs
​

Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, favorites of lawyers but ... it doesn't seem to matter.
Bull Terrier + ****zu = Bull****z, a gregarious but unreliable breed.
Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet.
Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries.
Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed.
Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog.
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle.
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists.
Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors.
Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes.
Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly.
Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work.
Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end.
Cocker Spaniel + Rottweiller = Cockrot, the perfect puppy for that philandering ex-husband.

 

[moreluck]

You're next........

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/your-next.htm

 

[moreluck]

IDIOT SIGHTING
I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!
I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
From Kingman, KS


IDIOT SIGHTING
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
From Kansas City


IDIOT SIGHTING
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
Happened in Birmingham, Ala.


IDIOT SIGHTING
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She was a probation officer