Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2
- Thread starter moreluck
- Start date
moreluck
golden ticket member
You May Be in a Country Church if.........
• Prayers about the weather are a standard part of every worship service.
• The pastor is wearing boots.
• High notes on the organ set dogs in the parking lot to howling.
• There is at least one pledge of two calves in the annual stewardship drive.
• The minister never has to buy any meat or vegetables.
• When it rains, everyone is smiling.
• The church directory doesn’t need last names.
• Finding and returning lost sheep is not just a parable.
• Four generations of one family sit together in worship every Sunday.
• Prayers about the weather are a standard part of every worship service.
• The pastor is wearing boots.
• High notes on the organ set dogs in the parking lot to howling.
• There is at least one pledge of two calves in the annual stewardship drive.
• The minister never has to buy any meat or vegetables.
• When it rains, everyone is smiling.
• The church directory doesn’t need last names.
• Finding and returning lost sheep is not just a parable.
• Four generations of one family sit together in worship every Sunday.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Bubba
Bubba and Johnny Ray were sittin' on the front porch drinking beer when a large truck hauling rolls and rolls of sod went by.
"I'm gonna do that when I win the lottery," said Bubba.
"Do what?" asked Johnny Ray.
"Send my grass out to be mowed," answered Bubba.
Bubba and Johnny Ray were sittin' on the front porch drinking beer when a large truck hauling rolls and rolls of sod went by.
"I'm gonna do that when I win the lottery," said Bubba.
"Do what?" asked Johnny Ray.
"Send my grass out to be mowed," answered Bubba.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Three aspiring golfers were taking lessons from a pro. The first guy hit the ball far to the right. "That was due to LOFT," said the pro.
The second man hit his ball far to the left. "That, too, was due to LOFT," said the pro.
The third golfer took a swing, and the ball just went a few feet and stopped. "Once again, it's LOFT," the pro claimed.
"Well, what exactly do you mean by LOFT?" asked the third golfer.
"Lack of fine talent," replied the pro.
The second man hit his ball far to the left. "That, too, was due to LOFT," said the pro.
The third golfer took a swing, and the ball just went a few feet and stopped. "Once again, it's LOFT," the pro claimed.
"Well, what exactly do you mean by LOFT?" asked the third golfer.
"Lack of fine talent," replied the pro.
moreluck
golden ticket member
moreluck
golden ticket member
A man was on holiday in Kenya. While he was walking through the bush, he came across an elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot. There was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot.
As carefully and as gently as he could he removed the thorn and the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and stared at him intently. For a long minute the man stood frozen - thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.
For years after, the man remembered the elephant and the events of that day. One day the man was walking through the zoo with his son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to where they are standing at the rail. It stared at him and the man couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.
After a while it trumpeted loudly, then it continued to stare at him. The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot. There was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot.
As carefully and as gently as he could he removed the thorn and the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and stared at him intently. For a long minute the man stood frozen - thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.
For years after, the man remembered the elephant and the events of that day. One day the man was walking through the zoo with his son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to where they are standing at the rail. It stared at him and the man couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.
After a while it trumpeted loudly, then it continued to stare at him. The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Deer Camp............
The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you?"
He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"Good morning!" he said.
They couldn't believe it..
They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night."
The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you?"
He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"Good morning!" he said.
They couldn't believe it..
They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night."
moreluck
golden ticket member
Quick Funny One liners.........
If I have to buy you a present when you get married, then you have to buy me a present when you get divorced. It's only fair.
I have decided that my favorite number in the whole alphabet is purple....:
Patient: The problem is that obesity runs in my family. Doctor: No, the problem is no one runs in your family.
If the Bank job goes well today I wont be in to work later.....
I just stopped the microwave at 1 second.....I now know how it feels to be a bomb defuser
I used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got me fired!!
was going to apply for a job as a trainee juggler, but I didn't have the balls to try it.
I got fired from my job as a train station announcer yesterday. All I said was,If anyone has lost a kid, he has been found on platform 3,4 and 5
Lost my job as a suicide hotline operator today. Apparently, "I bet you won't!" is not an effective prevention strategy.
The biggest family reunions take place on the Powerball winner's front porch.
In nature, there are neither rewards nor punishments; there are consequences.
It's not even 10 o'clock and I've already used up all my "give a crap" for the day.
I support gay marraige....as long as both GUYS look hot..
When u turn off the lights for economical reason rather than for romantic ones .. That's the time to realize you've grown old !!!
It ain't the size, it's......... no, it's the size.
my SON keeps complaining I don't listen to him ....or something like that.
If I have to buy you a present when you get married, then you have to buy me a present when you get divorced. It's only fair.
I have decided that my favorite number in the whole alphabet is purple....:
Patient: The problem is that obesity runs in my family. Doctor: No, the problem is no one runs in your family.
If the Bank job goes well today I wont be in to work later.....
I just stopped the microwave at 1 second.....I now know how it feels to be a bomb defuser
I used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got me fired!!
was going to apply for a job as a trainee juggler, but I didn't have the balls to try it.
I got fired from my job as a train station announcer yesterday. All I said was,If anyone has lost a kid, he has been found on platform 3,4 and 5
Lost my job as a suicide hotline operator today. Apparently, "I bet you won't!" is not an effective prevention strategy.
The biggest family reunions take place on the Powerball winner's front porch.
In nature, there are neither rewards nor punishments; there are consequences.
It's not even 10 o'clock and I've already used up all my "give a crap" for the day.
I support gay marraige....as long as both GUYS look hot..
When u turn off the lights for economical reason rather than for romantic ones .. That's the time to realize you've grown old !!!
It ain't the size, it's......... no, it's the size.
my SON keeps complaining I don't listen to him ....or something like that.
moreluck
golden ticket member
[two men in a blizzard
2 men are out in a blizzard, and they meet each other. then the first one asks:
man 1:what are you doing out here?
man 2:im looking for my wife. what are you doing?
man 1:im also looking for my wife
man 2:then we could look together.
man 1:sure why not… so how does your wife look like?
man 2:she is tall with long legs, she's blonde has a big round butt and good boobs, so how about your wife?
man 1:the heck with her, lets look for yours!
2 men are out in a blizzard, and they meet each other. then the first one asks:
man 1:what are you doing out here?
man 2:im looking for my wife. what are you doing?
man 1:im also looking for my wife
man 2:then we could look together.
man 1:sure why not… so how does your wife look like?
man 2:she is tall with long legs, she's blonde has a big round butt and good boobs, so how about your wife?
man 1:the heck with her, lets look for yours!
DS
Fenderbender
Some driver told this one,may be a repeat....oldie....
The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'
The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.
Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was 'fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well, That was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.
Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'
The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'
The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.
Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was 'fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well, That was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.
Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'
moreluck
golden ticket member
Obama goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and Obama asks him his name.
" Walter," responds the little boy.
"And what is your question, Walter?"
"I have 4 questions:
First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress? Second, why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's actually worse? Third, why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you knew nothing about his preaching's and beliefs? Fourth, why are we so worried about Brazil drilling for oil, but we aren't allowed to?"
Just then, the bell rings for recess. Obama informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume Obama says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right: question time. Who has a question?"
Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him his name.
"Steve," he responds.
"And what is your question, Steve?"
Actually, I have 6 questions.
First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress? Second, why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's actually worse? Third, why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you knew nothing about his preaching's and beliefs? Fourth, why are we so worried about Brazil drilling for oil, but we aren't allowed to? Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And sixth, what the hell happened to Walter ?"
" Walter," responds the little boy.
"And what is your question, Walter?"
"I have 4 questions:
First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress? Second, why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's actually worse? Third, why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you knew nothing about his preaching's and beliefs? Fourth, why are we so worried about Brazil drilling for oil, but we aren't allowed to?"
Just then, the bell rings for recess. Obama informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume Obama says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right: question time. Who has a question?"
Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him his name.
"Steve," he responds.
"And what is your question, Steve?"
Actually, I have 6 questions.
First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress? Second, why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's actually worse? Third, why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you knew nothing about his preaching's and beliefs? Fourth, why are we so worried about Brazil drilling for oil, but we aren't allowed to? Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And sixth, what the hell happened to Walter ?"
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moreluck
golden ticket member
TOP 10 TIMES YOU SHOULD NEVER USE YOUR CELL PHONE
10. At the movies. Unless your conversation will be funnier than what I'm seeing on the big screen.
9. During a funeral. Pay your respects with your heart, not your ringtones.
8. In a meeting. Especially if you've called it. Or if your boss is there.
7. In the hospital delivery room. Especially if it's your wife (and child) on the table.
6. At a restaurant. Unless you're calling the waitperson because your coffee cup has been empty longer than two minutes.
5. At a wedding. The only rings here should be the ones on the happy couple's fingers.
4. In a museum. You're there to use your eyes, not your ears.
3. While driving. You may like the challenge of handling a cell phone, a steaming cup of coffee, the morning paper, and a 4,000 pound vehicle all at the same time, but it just ain't safe.
2. In the bedroom. Do I really have to explain this?
1. In worship. God may call you, but he won't do it through Verizon.
10. At the movies. Unless your conversation will be funnier than what I'm seeing on the big screen.
9. During a funeral. Pay your respects with your heart, not your ringtones.
8. In a meeting. Especially if you've called it. Or if your boss is there.
7. In the hospital delivery room. Especially if it's your wife (and child) on the table.
6. At a restaurant. Unless you're calling the waitperson because your coffee cup has been empty longer than two minutes.
5. At a wedding. The only rings here should be the ones on the happy couple's fingers.
4. In a museum. You're there to use your eyes, not your ears.
3. While driving. You may like the challenge of handling a cell phone, a steaming cup of coffee, the morning paper, and a 4,000 pound vehicle all at the same time, but it just ain't safe.
2. In the bedroom. Do I really have to explain this?
1. In worship. God may call you, but he won't do it through Verizon.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Business Facts.............
If you are not thoroughly confused, you have not been thoroughly informed.
Standard parts are not.
Interchangeable tapes aren't.
Never trust modern technology. Trust it only when it is old technology.
For any given software, as soon as you master it, a new version of that software appears.
The new version always manages to change the one feature you need most.
In today's technical environment, it is a requirement that we forget more than we learn.
It is simple to make something complex, and complex to make something simple.
Measurements will be quoted in the least practical unit; velocity, for example, will be measured in 'furlongs-per-fortnight'.
An expert will always state the obvious.
The chance a copy machine will break down is proportional to the importance of the material that needs to be copied and inversely proportional to the amount of time till the material will be needed.
A maintenance department will neglect a customer's complaints until it starts installations on the customer's new projects.
If it works in theory, it won't work in practice. If it works in practice, it won't work in theory.
No matter how clever and complete your research is, there is always someone who knows more.
If you are not thoroughly confused, you have not been thoroughly informed.
Standard parts are not.
Interchangeable tapes aren't.
Never trust modern technology. Trust it only when it is old technology.
For any given software, as soon as you master it, a new version of that software appears.
The new version always manages to change the one feature you need most.
In today's technical environment, it is a requirement that we forget more than we learn.
It is simple to make something complex, and complex to make something simple.
Measurements will be quoted in the least practical unit; velocity, for example, will be measured in 'furlongs-per-fortnight'.
An expert will always state the obvious.
The chance a copy machine will break down is proportional to the importance of the material that needs to be copied and inversely proportional to the amount of time till the material will be needed.
A maintenance department will neglect a customer's complaints until it starts installations on the customer's new projects.
If it works in theory, it won't work in practice. If it works in practice, it won't work in theory.
No matter how clever and complete your research is, there is always someone who knows more.
moreluck
golden ticket member
One Liners / Some old, some new..............................................
My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 am this morning, can you
believe that..... 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my
Bagpipes.
Man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says
how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the laundry is building
up!"
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the
biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my
leg."
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume
she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my
girlfriend yet.
Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going
fine until he stuck his index finger up my ass! Do you think I should
change dentists?
A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and
talking behind my back. He says, "What do you expect? You're in a wheel
chair!"
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she
would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not
listening. "
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the
worst. So I have been to the thrift shop to get all her clothes back.
My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 am this morning, can you
believe that..... 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my
Bagpipes.
Man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says
how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the laundry is building
up!"
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the
biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my
leg."
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume
she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my
girlfriend yet.
Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going
fine until he stuck his index finger up my ass! Do you think I should
change dentists?
A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and
talking behind my back. He says, "What do you expect? You're in a wheel
chair!"
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she
would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not
listening. "
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the
worst. So I have been to the thrift shop to get all her clothes back.
moreluck
golden ticket member
They've closed a road to repair a collapsed sewer-pipe near where I live. The actual road closure is not apparent until you go around a bend, so a lot of drivers go to see if the road is really closed and then have to turn in the narrow road.
Their embarrassment is made worse by the back of the "ROAD CLOSED" sign, which reads: "TOLD YOU SO!"
Their embarrassment is made worse by the back of the "ROAD CLOSED" sign, which reads: "TOLD YOU SO!"
moreluck
golden ticket member
FOR the UK friends...
-anybody rioting, im a size 10
-Did I miss a weather warning? I've just been watching the news and everyone is wearing hoods, scarfs and balaclavas.
On the third day of riots my true love gave to me, three Nike trainers, two gregg's sarnies and a samsung hdtv.
The thugs are using Blackberrys to arrange meeting places for riots. If only we had a Media outlet who could maybe tap into those phones.. ....
All these riots mean just one thing.... Voldemort is BACK. (FYI that is that evil guy from Harry potter that was just killed off in Part 2 of deadly hallows)
Sorry im not rioting,,, My tracksuits in the wash !
***CURRYS LAPTOP SPECIAL OFFER - £399 IN STORE*** Or, if you are near the branch they are free at the moment. --- ( I like this one!! )...........
-anybody rioting, im a size 10
-Did I miss a weather warning? I've just been watching the news and everyone is wearing hoods, scarfs and balaclavas.
On the third day of riots my true love gave to me, three Nike trainers, two gregg's sarnies and a samsung hdtv.
The thugs are using Blackberrys to arrange meeting places for riots. If only we had a Media outlet who could maybe tap into those phones.. ....
All these riots mean just one thing.... Voldemort is BACK. (FYI that is that evil guy from Harry potter that was just killed off in Part 2 of deadly hallows)
Sorry im not rioting,,, My tracksuits in the wash !
***CURRYS LAPTOP SPECIAL OFFER - £399 IN STORE*** Or, if you are near the branch they are free at the moment. --- ( I like this one!! )...........
moreluck
golden ticket member
TOP 10 TIMES YOU SHOULD NEVER USE YOUR CELL PHONE.......................
10. At the movies. Unless your conversation will be funnier than what I'm seeing on the big screen.
9. During a funeral. Pay your respects with your heart, not your ringtones.
8. In a meeting. Especially if you've called it. Or if your boss is there.
7. In the hospital delivery room. Especially if it's your wife (and child) on the table.
6. At a restaurant. Unless you're calling the waitperson because your coffee cup has been empty longer than two minutes.
5. At a wedding. The only rings here should be the ones on the happy couple's fingers.
4. In a museum. You're there to use your eyes, not your ears.
3. While driving. You may like the challenge of handling a cell phone, a steaming cup of coffee, the morning paper, and a 4,000 pound vehicle all at the same time, but it just ain't safe.
2. In the bedroom. Do I really have to explain this?
1. In worship. God may call you, but he won't do it through Verizon.
10. At the movies. Unless your conversation will be funnier than what I'm seeing on the big screen.
9. During a funeral. Pay your respects with your heart, not your ringtones.
8. In a meeting. Especially if you've called it. Or if your boss is there.
7. In the hospital delivery room. Especially if it's your wife (and child) on the table.
6. At a restaurant. Unless you're calling the waitperson because your coffee cup has been empty longer than two minutes.
5. At a wedding. The only rings here should be the ones on the happy couple's fingers.
4. In a museum. You're there to use your eyes, not your ears.
3. While driving. You may like the challenge of handling a cell phone, a steaming cup of coffee, the morning paper, and a 4,000 pound vehicle all at the same time, but it just ain't safe.
2. In the bedroom. Do I really have to explain this?
1. In worship. God may call you, but he won't do it through Verizon.
moreluck
golden ticket member
The Bitter Truth About Men & Women
Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A. Shoot him again.
Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis?
A. His body.
Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. Because they're practicing to be men.
Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
OR
A. Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag
about the screwing part.
Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.
Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Q. Why do doctors slap babies butts right after they're born?
A. To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.
Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.
Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q. What's the best way to kill a man?
A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
Q. What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A. They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!
Q. Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A. Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q. What the difference between most men and women...
A. A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need,
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
Q. How does a man keep his youth?
A. ...By giving her money, furs and diamond...!
Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A. Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"
Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A. Shoot him again.
Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis?
A. His body.
Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. Because they're practicing to be men.
Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
OR
A. Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag
about the screwing part.
Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.
Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Q. Why do doctors slap babies butts right after they're born?
A. To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.
Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.
Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q. What's the best way to kill a man?
A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
Q. What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A. They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!
Q. Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A. Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q. What the difference between most men and women...
A. A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need,
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
Q. How does a man keep his youth?
A. ...By giving her money, furs and diamond...!
Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A. Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"
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