Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[old levi's]

Father and son walking down a dirt road see two dogs going at it. (not fighting)
Boy says "What are they doing?"
Dad says "Well, the dog on top has hurt one of his legs and the dog on bottom is helping him get home."
Boy says " Just like life, try to help someone and end up getting screwed!"

 

[moreluck]

Teacher Rules...........

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/teachers-in-1872.htm

 

[moreluck]

Dead Or Alive
A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner. The attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?" The coroner said, "No."

The attorney then asked, "Did you listen for a heart beat?", and again the coroner said, "No."

Then the attorney asked, "Did you check for breathing?", and again the coroner said, "No."

"So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"

The coroner, now tired of the brow beating said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."

 

[moreluck]

To be Frank, I'll need plastic surgery.

In the primary school, I was an outstanding student. My teacher would send me to
stand outside of the class as a punishment.

The best way to tidy up your home is to start group meetings for people with OCD at your place!

Of course I know what a restraining order is, you act like I have never dated

 

[moreluck]

Birthday Reminder.............

Our little girl is growing up !!
This week we celebrate a special birthday.

Monica Lewinsky turns 50.
Can you believe it ?

It seems like only yesterday,
She was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees,
Putting everything in her mouth................

They grow up so fast, don't they?

 

[moreluck]

A key ring is a handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once.

If an indoor shooting range is burning, what does one scream to inform them?

How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Wanna go ride bikes??

I really admire people who keep going even though they are in huge amounts of debt……..They deserve a lot of credit.

In the primary school, I was an outstanding student. My teacher would send me to stand outside of the class as a punishment.

Of course I know what a restraining order is you act like I have never dated.

 

[moreluck]

Entered a pun competition 10 times. I didn't win... no pun in ten did.

I'm going to make my own brand of beer called Responsibly. I'd get free advertising from competitors 'Please drink Responsibly"

Mad cow disease... bird flu... swine flu... what is this? farmageddon?

I'm impressed with science. Why? Give it 75 more years and $739,453,989,217,756 and you'll know why!

There may be bigger cynics than I out there, but I doubt it.

I ran over an old guy's guide dog today. Lucky for me there were no witnesses.

 

[moreluck]

Pun Fun!

In 1868 the first dressmaker's shop opened. It seamed to do very well.

In 1910 a Hungarian religious leader was found to be a Buddha pest.

In 1925 card playing reached the pinochle of success in the United States.

In 1945 the first all-white Dalmatian dog was spotted.

In 1968 pantsuits for women became fashionable, but many ladies tried to skirt the issue.

Sign on a window of a clock shop: 'If it doesn't tick--tock to us'

When chicken broth was first canned, everyone thought it was souper.

 

[moreluck]

Subject: : $5.37 !!!!


$5.37! That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.

I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet? A mere child! Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind!

"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing.

That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus:

The car seat in the back seat.
Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard.
A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.

Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"

All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"? At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake."

I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40 mph zone. Yessss, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.

The good news was I had successfully found my way home.

Notice the larger type? That's for those of us who have trouble reading.

 

[moreluck]

ONE LINERS..........

"If voting changed anything, they'd make it illegal"

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Been on hold so long I can't remember who I called. I have a credit card out & my pants off but that doesn't narrow it down much.
How is it that at the end of the money there is so much month remaining?

End discrimination. Hate everybody!

There may be bigger cynics than I out there, but I doubt it.

 

[moreluck]

The Bitter Truth About Men & Women
Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A. Shoot him again.

Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis?
A. His body.

Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. Because they're practicing to be men.

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
OR
A. Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag
about the screwing part.

Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.

Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Q. Why do doctors slap babies butts right after they're born?
A. To knock the penises off the smart ones.

Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.

Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.

Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q. What's the best way to kill a man?
A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.

Q. What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A. They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!

Q. Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A. Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q. What the difference between most men and women...
A. A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need,
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q. How does a man keep his youth?
A. ...By giving her money, furs and diamond...!

Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A. Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"
By Vicky V.

 

[moreluck]

Getting up............

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/my-thoughts-exactly.htm

 

[moreluck]

More Bumper Stickers .............

Constipated people don't give a crap.

Practice safe sex, go screw yourself.

If you drink don't park, accidents cause people.

Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.

Please tell your pants its not polite to point.

If that phone was up your butt, maybe you could drive a little better.

My kid got your honor roll student pregnant.

Thank you for pot smoking.

To all you virgins thanks for nothing.

If at first you don't succeed... blame someone else and seek
counseling.

Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings".

If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.

Horn broken...watch for finger.

It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the
booger.

If you're not a hemorrhoid, get off my ass.

 

[moreluck]

A Letter to the Men's Helpline:


Hi Pal, I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep. Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?

 

[moreluck]

Space shuttle
There is a Space Shuttle mission to the moon with two monkeys and a woman
on board. The control center is the US calls:

"Monkey number 1, Monkey number 1 to the television screen." He sits down
and he is told to release the pressure in compartment 1, increase the
temperature in engine 4 and to release oxygen to the reactors. So the
monkey does the pressure, temperature, and releases the oxygen.

A few moments later the control center calls again:

"Monkey number 2, monkey number 2 to the television screen." He sits down
and he is told to add Carbon Dioxide to room 4, to stop the fuel injection
to engine 3, to add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and to analyze the
solar radiation. So the monkey does the carbon dioxide, the fuel
injection, the nitrogen and the analysis of solar radiation.

A little later on, headquarters calls again:

"Woman, please woman approach the screen."
She sits down and just as she is about to be told what to do she says...
"I know I know!! Feed the monkeys, don't touch anything."

 

[moreluck]

Breaking news:

The Pity Train has derailed at the intersection of Suck It Up & Move On, and crashed into We All Have Problems, before coming to a complete stop at Get the Hell Over It.

Any complaints about how we operate can be forwarded to 1 (800) waa-waaa. This is Dr. Sniffle reporting LIVE from Quitchur Bitchin'. If you like this, re-post it. If you don't...suck it up buttercup, life doesn't revolve around YOU..

 

[moreluck]

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

 

[moreluck]

Bells
Twelve monks were about to be ordained. The final
test was for them to line up nude, in a garden while a nude model
danced before them.

Each monk had a small bell attached to his
privates, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be
ordained because he had not reached a state of purity. The model
danced before the first monk candidate, with no reaction.

She proceeded down the line with the same response, until she got to the final monk.
As she danced, his bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to
the ground.

Embarrassed, he bent down to pick up the bell, and all the
other bells went off.

 

[moreluck]

MEN'S SECRET LANGUAGES TRANSLATED

1. “I’M GOING FISHING”:
Translated: I’m going to drink myself stupid and sit in a boat with a stick in my hand while the fish swim by in complete safety.”

2. “IT’S A GUY THING”
Translated: “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it and you have no chance at all of making it logical.”

3. “CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?”
Translated: “Why isn’t it already on the table?”

4. “UH HUH, SURE, HONEY,” or, “YES, DEAR.”
Translated: (Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response.)

5. “IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN”
Translated: “I haven’t the foggiest.”

6. “I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT’S JUST . . . I JUST HAVE LOTS OF
THINGS ON MY MIND.”
Translated: “Is that woman over there wearing a bra?”

7. “TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU’RE WORKING TOO HARD.”
Translated: “I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”

8. “THAT’S INTERESTING, DEAR.”
Translated: “Are you still talking?”

9. “YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS.”
Translated: “I remember the theme song to “friend-Troop,” the address of the first girl I ever kissed, the license plate numbers of every car I’ve ever owned, but can’t remember your birthday.”

10. “I DUNNO . . . I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND I GOT YOU THESE
ROSES.”
Translated: “The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.”

11. “OH, DON’T FUSS. I JUST CUT MYSELF; IT’S NO BIG DEAL.”
Translated: “I have actually severed a limb, but I will bleed to death before I admit that I am hurt.”

12. “I’VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I’M DOING.”
Translated: “. . . and I sure hope I think of some soon.”

13. “I CAN’T FIND IT.”
Translated: “It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.”

14. “WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?”
Translated: “What did you catch me at?”

15. “I HEARD YOU.”
Translated: “I have no idea what you just said and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don’t find out.”

16. “YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE.”
Translated: “I am used to the way you yell at me and I realize it could be worse.”

17. “YOU LOOK TERRIFIC.”
Translated: “Oh God, please don’t try on MORE clothes.”

18. “I’M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE.”
Translated: “We are hopelessly lost and no one will ever see us alive again.”

 

[moreluck]

A real man is a woman's best friend. He will never let her down. He will comfort her after a bad day. He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do. He will enable her to express her deepest emotions. He will enable her to be confident, sexy, seductive and invincible ...No, wait. Sorry. I'm thinking of wine. It's wine that does all that. Never mind