Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Apparently there’s a crack in the Washington Monument. Calm down, Marion Barry, I said “a crack.”



After pressure from Republicans, President Obama moved his big jobs speech from Wednesday to Thursday night. Obama gave in when he realized something important: He could just TiVo “Jersey Shore.”

 

[moreluck]

Texans.............

The first Texan says, "My name is Roger. I own 150,000 acres. I have 1,000 head of cattle and they call my place The Jolly Roger."

The second Texan says, "My name is John. I own 250,000 acres. I have 5,000 head of cattle and they call my place Big John's Ranchero."

They both look down at the Jewish man who says, "My name is Irving and I own 40 acres."

Roger looks down at him and say, "40 Acres? What do you raise?"

"Nothing" Irving says.

"Well then, what do you call it?" asked John.

The little old Jewish man says, "Downtown Dallas."

 

[moreluck]

More Bumper Stickers .............

Constipated people don't give a crap.

Practice safe sex, go screw yourself.

If you drink don't park, accidents cause people.

Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.

Please tell your pants its not polite to point.

If that phone was up your butt, maybe you could drive a little better.

My kid got your honor roll student pregnant.

Thank you for pot smoking.

To all you virgins thanks for nothing.

If at first you don't succeed... blame someone else and seek
counseling.

Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings".

If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.

Horn broken...watch for finger.

It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the
booger.

If you're not a hemorrhoid, get off my ass.

 

[moreluck]

W.C. Fields' 12-step program......

1. "I drink therefore I am."

2. "There comes a time in the affairs of a man when he has to take the bull by the tail and face the situation."

3. "Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times."

4. "Start every day with a smile and get it over with.

5. "The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep."

6. "Anything worth having is worth cheating for."

7. "Never give a sucker an even break."

8. "Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth."

9. "Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain unless you've used up all the other four-letter words."

10. "Thou shalt not covet they neighbor's wife unless she's a beauty."

11. "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar."

12. "Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad."

(not moreluck's words)

 

[moreluck]

Two Old Men
​

How about the two old men, one a retired professor of psychology and the other a retired professor of history. Their wives had talked them into a two week stay at a hotel in the Catskills. They were sitting around on the porch of the hotel watching the sun set.
The history professor said to the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?"
To which the professor of psychology said, "Yes, I think it's the wicker chairs."

 

[moreluck]

BUMPER STICKERS

7 days with out Jesus makes one weak

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

A clean car is a sign if sick mind.

A day without sunshine is like, night.

A fool and his money are a girl's best friend.

A Mouse Is An Elephant Built By The Japanese

A nuclear war can ruin your whole day .

A Waist Is A Terrible Thing To Mind

 

[moreluck]

Coincidence

A chicken farmer goes into a local tavern, takes a seat at the bar next to a woman, and orders a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!" He turns to her and says, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating." "This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating," says the woman. "What a coincidence," says the man. They clink glasses and he asks, "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!" "What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile." "That's great," says the woman. "How did your chickens become fertile?" "I switched roosters," he replies. "What a coincidence," she said.

 

[cachsux]

Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee. "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing.

 

[moreluck]

A black guy, a white guy, a Muslim, and a Communist go into a bar.

The bartender asks, "What can I get you, Mr. President?"

 

[moreluck]

GROANER THOUGHTS............

People who live in Hawaii are here today, gone to Maui.

If you steal a clock, will you face time?

If a soldier eats too much cake, would he be a desserter?

If you sell a pig to a pawn shop, do they call that a ham hock?

My doctor is a herbologist. He believes thyme heals all wounds.

 

[moreluck]

Sweethearts

Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four
years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade.

When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together.

As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.

Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love.

Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend,
she wanted to get him off her back. So, what she did is this:
she took a polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's
unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note
reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone."

Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome. He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to HER parents.

 

[moreluck]

Mother of all Jihadist Jokes...

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of Tabbouleh and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her handbag and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.

''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.''

''Yes, I remember him as a baby..'' says the other mother cheerfully.

He's a martyr now though." the mother confides.

"Oh, so sad dear...'' says the other.

''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.''

''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair when he was born.''
''He's a martyr too...'' says the mother quietly.
''Oh, gracious me...'' says the other
''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18'', she whispers.
"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school...''
''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes. After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . .

"They blow up So fast, don't they?"

 

[moreluck]

Tim Allen Quotes......

Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
Tim Allen

Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything.
Tim Allen

My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.
Tim Allen

Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words "large" or "size" with "rear end." Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.
Tim Allen

While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.
Tim Allen

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.
Tim Allen

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison.
Tim Allen

 

[moreluck]

I met a fairy today that would grant me one wish.

"I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry" said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"

"Fine," I said, "I want to die after the Democrats get their heads out of their asses!"

"You crafty bastard," said the fairy.

 

[moreluck]

Fun Activities in a Nursing Home[/h]Two elderly residents, a man and a woman, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening. The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting. For $5.00 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."
The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.
The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."
The old lady still says nothing but after a couple minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.
"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man.
"Get serious", she replies. "Four times in the rocking chair."

 

[moreluck]

Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I’m typing this with my middle finger.


I can rise and shine. But not at the same time.


It’s not the big failures I mind so much. It’s the constant pitter patter of little defeats.


For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.


You never learn anything by doing it right.

When God made me, He was just showing off.


“Me, fail English? That’s unpossible!” ~The Simpsons


Having a dog is like having an alarm system that stains your floors.


I like the way you think. It’s almost as if you don’t.

Love is like a brick. You can build a house, or you can sink a dead body.

 

[PT Stewie]

Recieved this in an email this morning:

​

If you are 36 , or older, you might think this is hilarious!​

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... Barefoot... BOTH ways...yadda, yadda, yadda​

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!​

​

​

​

But now that I'm over the ripe old age of forty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!​

1) I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!! ​

2) There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!​

3) Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!​

4) There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!​

5) Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?​

6) We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!​

7) There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOSH !!! Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.​

8) And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!​

9) We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen.. Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!​

10) You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!​

11) There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!​

12) And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that! ​

​

​

​

​

13) And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside... you were doing chores!​

​

​

​

​

And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place! ​

​

​

​

See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1970 or any time before!​

 

[moreluck]

Priest up North..............
A priest is sent to Alaska. The Archbishop goes up to visit him one year later. The Archbishop asks "How do you like it up here?" The priest says, "If it wasn't for my Rosary, and 2 martinis a day, I'd be lost. Archbishop, would you like a martini?"

"Yes."

"Rosary, get the Archbishop a martini!"

 

[moreluck]

• I wish somebody would invent a Slim Fast beer.
• If coffee were blood, I’d be Count DracuLATTE.
• Made a mistake? Don’t beat yourself up over it. We’ll do that for you.
• There are two words in a person’s life that will open a lot of doors for them… PULL and PUSH.
• I miss my wife’s cooking… every chance I get.
• The headlines nobody likes are wrinkles.
• Reinventing yourself is easy when no one knows you exist.
• A secret is something you tell to one person at a time.

 

[moreluck]

Bumper Stickers

Don’t Drink And Drive...You Might Hit A Bump And Spill Your Drink.

Don’t Piss Me Off! I’m Running Out Of Places To Hide The Bodies.

Don’t Take Life Too Seriously; You Won’t Get Out Alive.

Don't Be Sexist - Bitches Hate That .

Do not put a question mark where God put a period.

Do they ever shut up on your planet.

Do unto others before they do unto you.

Do Vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Doctor's say I have a multiple personality, but we don't agree with that.

Does The Name Pavlov Ring A Bell?