Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

THE BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER!

Dear Wife,

I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.
Your EX-Husband P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! ——

Dear Ex-Husband, Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Heck & Free! P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem... ....

 

[moreluck]

Avid Golfer

Jim was 26 over par by the eighth hole, had landed a fleet of golf balls in the water hazard, and dug himself into a trench fighting his way out of the rough, when his caddy coughed during a 12-inch putt. Jim exploded.
"You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!" he screamed.
"I doubt it," replied the caddy. "That would be too much of a coincidence."

 

[gman042]

Atheist versus the Girl.........

AN atheist seated next to a little girl on a plane said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker that way."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the stranger, "What do you want to talk about?"
"How about why there is no God, Heaven, Hell, or life after death?"
"OK," she said. "That could be interesting, first let me ask you this: A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the... same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why?"
... The atheist, surprised by the girl's intelligence, thinks then says, "I have no idea."
To which she replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death, when you don't know crap?"
And she went back to her book

 

[PT Stewie]

Subject: Older Than Dirt
THOUGHT YOU MIGHT ENJOY THIS .....
'Someone asked the other day, 'What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?'
'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,' I informed him.
'All the food was slow.'
'C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?'
'It was a place called 'at home,'' I explained!
'Mom cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.'

By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.
But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it :
Some parents NEVER owned their own house, never wore Levis, never set foot on a golf course, never traveled out of the country or had a credit card.
In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears & Roebuck. Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.

My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow). We didn't have a television in our house until I was 19. It was, of course, black and white, and the station went off the air at midnight, after playing the national anthem and a poem about God; it came back on the air at about 6 a.m. and there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on, featuring local people.

I was 21 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called 'pizza pie.' When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had.

I never had a telephone in my room.
The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.
Pizzas were not delivered to our home but milk was.
All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers -- my brother delivered a newspaper, six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which he got to keep 2 cents. He had to get up at 6AM every morning.
On Saturday, he had to collect the 42 cents from his customers. His favorite customers were the ones who gave him 50 cents and told him to keep the change. His least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.
Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing, without profanity or violence or most anything offensive.

If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.

Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?
MEMORIES from a friend :
My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it.. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to 'sprinkle' clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.
How many do you remember?
Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
Ignition switches on the dashboard.
Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall.
Real ice boxes.
Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.

Older Than Dirt Quiz :
Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about.
Ratings at the bottom.
1. Blackjack chewing gum
2.Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines on the telephone
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.friend. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning. (there were only 3 channels... [if you were fortunate])
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S& H greenstamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulb
20. Packards
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!

I might be older than dirt but those memories are some of the best parts of my life.

Don't forget to pass this along!!
Especially to all your really OLD friends....

 

[moreluck]

Bill Cosby is tired . . . .

Bill Cosby "I'm 76 and Tired" Worth reading.....

"I'm 76 and I'm Tired"

I'm 76. Except for brief period in the 50's when I was doing my
National Service, I've worked hard since I was 17. Except for some
serious health challenges, I put in 50-hour weeks, and didn't call
in sick in nearly 40 years. I made a reasonable salary, but I
didn't inherit my job or my income, and I worked to get where I
am. Given the economy, it looks as though retirement was a bad
idea, and I'm tired. Very tired.

I'm tired of being told that I have to "spread the wealth" to
people who don't have my work ethic. I'm tired of being told the
government will take the money I earned, by force if necessary,
and give it to people too lazy to earn it.

I'm tired of being told that Islam is a "Religion of Peace," when
every day I can read dozens of stories of Muslim men killing their
sisters, wives and daughters for their family "honour"; of Muslims
rioting over some slight offense; of Muslims murdering Christian
and Jews because they aren't "believers"; of Muslims burning
schools for girls; of Muslims stoning teenage rape victims to
death for "adultery"; of Muslims mutilating the genitals of little
girls; all in the name of Allah, because the Qur'an and Shari'a
law tells them to.

I'm tired of being told that out of "tolerance for other
cultures" we must let Saudi Arabia and other Arab countries use
our oil money to fund mosques and mandrassa Islamic schools to
preach hate in Australia, New Zealand, UK, America and Canada,
while no one from these countries are allowed to fund a church,
synagogue or religious school in Saudi Arabia or any other Arab
country to teach love and tolerance..

I'm tired of being told I must lower my living standard to fight
global warming, which no one is allowed to debate.

I'm tired of being told that drug addicts have a disease, and I
must help support and treat them, and pay for the damage they do.
Did a giant germ rush out of a dark alley, grab them, and stuff
white powder up their noses or stick a needle in their arm while
they tried to fight it off?

I'm tired of hearing wealthy athletes, entertainers and
politicians of all parties talking about innocent mistakes, stupid
mistakes or youthful mistakes, when we all know they think their
only mistake was getting caught. I'm tired of people with a sense
of entitlement, rich or poor.

I'm really tired of people who don't take responsibility for
their lives and actions. I'm tired of hearing them blame the
government, or discrimination or big-whatever for their problems.

I'm also tired and fed up with seeing young men and women in
their teens and early 20's bedeck them selves in tattoos and face
studs, thereby making themselves un-employable and claiming money
from the Government.

Yes, I'm damn tired. But I'm also glad to be 76.. Because,
mostly, I'm not going to have to see the world these people are
making. I'm just sorry for my granddaughter and her
children. Thank God I'm on the way out and not on the way in.

There is no way this will be widely publicized, unless each of us
sends it on!

 

[moreluck]

HOW TO STAY YOUNG...............

1. Try everything twice. On Madams tombstone (of Whelan's and Madam) she said she wanted this epitaph: Tried everything twice...loved it both times!

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. (keep? this in mind if you are one of those grouches

3. Keep learning:? Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain get idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's!

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and lots of time with HIM/HER.

6. The tears happen: Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves.? LIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love: Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county,? to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

11. Forgive now those who made you cry. You might not get a second time.

And if you don't send this to at least 4 people - who cares? But do share this with someone.

LOST TIME CAN NEVER BE FOUND

 

[moreluck]

"As a boy I lived on a farm in Canada," the famous economist John Kenneth Galbraith once recalled. "On the adjoining farm lived a girl I was fond of. One day as we sat together on the top rail of the cattle pen we watched a bull servicing a cow. I turned to the girl, with what I hoped was a suggestive look, saying, 'That looks like it would be fun.' She replied, 'Well... she's your cow.'"

 

[moreluck]

When some doctors were told to contribute to the construction of a new wing at the hospital...

-the allergists voted to scratch it.

-the dermatologists preferred no rash moves.

-the obstetricians stated they were laboring under a misconception.

-the ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sited.

-the pediatricians said, 'Grow up.'

-the psychiatrists thought it was madness.

-the radiologists could see right through it.

-the plastic surgeons said, 'This puts a whole new face on the matter.'

-the surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

-the neurologists thought the administration 'had a lot of nerve.'

 

[moreluck]

Fear in California ..................

In the wake of Bin Laden's death, Radical Muslims are planning to go on a rampage in Southern California, killing anyone who is a legal US citizen.Police fear the death toll could be as high as 23.

We will keep you posted on future developments.

 

[moreluck]

We Trust Them
​

As a new school Principal, Mr. Mitchell was checking over his school on the first day. Passing the stockroom, he was startled to see the door wide open and teachers bustling in and out, carrying off books and supplies in preparation for the arrival of students the next day.
The school where he had been a Principal the previous year had used a check-out system only slightly less elaborate than that at Fort Knox.
Cautiously, he asked the school's long time Custodian, "Do you think it's wise to keep the stock room unlocked and to let the teachers take things without requisitions?"
The Custodian looked at him gravely ..... "We trust them with the children, don't we?" he said.

 

[moreluck]

Thursday Afternoon
​

A Russian man saves his rubles for twenty years to buy a new car.
After choosing the model and options he wants, he's not the least bit surprised or even concerned to learn that it would take two years for the new car to be delivered. He thanks the salesman and starts to leave, but as he reaches the door he pauses and turns back to the salesman. "Do you know which week two years from now the new car will arrive?" he asks.
The salesman checks his notes and tells the man that it will be two years to the exact week. The man thanks the salesman and starts out again, but upon reaching the door, he turns back again.
"Could you possibly tell me what day of the week two years from now the car will arrive?" The salesman, mildly annoyed, checks his notes again and says that it will be exactly two years from this week, on Thursday. The man thanks the salesman and once again starts to leave.
Halfway though the door, he hesitates, turns back, and walks up to the salesman. "I'm sorry to be so much trouble, but do you know if that will be two years from now on Thursday in the morning, or in the afternoon?"
Visibly irritated, the salesman flips through his papers yet another time and says sharply that it will be in the afternoon, two years from now on Thursday.
"That's a relief!" says the man. "The plumber is coming in the morning!"

 

[moreluck]

Mother's Dictionary........................

Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Dad to get up at 2 am also.

Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the children play outside.

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

Look out: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.

Preprared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

Two-minute warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

 

[moreluck]

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply. The devil smiles and replies, "Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

 

[moreluck]

THE REAL MEANING OF HOTEL SLOGANS

Old world charm ....... No bath

Options galore ........ Nothing is included in the itinerary

No extra fees ......... No extras

Nominal fee ........... Outrageous charge

Standard .............. Sub-standard

Deluxe ................ Standard

Superior .............. One free shower cap

Cozy .................. Small

All the amenities ..... Two free shower caps

Plush ................. Top and bottom sheets

 

[moreluck]

A Salesman
​

A salesman rang the bell at a suburban home, and was greeted by a nine-year-old boy puffing on a long black cigar.
Hiding his amazement, the salesman asked the boy, "Is your mother home?"
The boy took the cigar out of his mouth, flicked ashes on the carpet, and asked, "What do YOU think?"

 

[moreluck]

[h=6]Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect backwoods camping and fishing trip. Two days before the group is to leave, Frank's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Frank's friends are very upset that he can't go but, what can they do... Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Frank sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and fish cooking on the... fire. "Damn man! How long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since yesterday. The night before yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?" I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over. She had handcuffs and ropes on the bed! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said "Do whatever you want!" "So here I am.[/h]

 

[moreluck]

More Bumper Stickers
Constipated people don't give a crap.

Practice safe sex, go screw yourself.

If you drink don't park, accidents cause people.

Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.

Please tell your pants its not polite to point.

If that phone was up your butt, maybe you could drive a little better.

My kid got your honor roll student pregnant.

Thank you for pot smoking.

To all you virgins thanks for nothing.

If at first you don't succeed... blame someone else and seek
counseling.

Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings".

If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.

Horn broken...watch for finger.

It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the
booger.

If you're not a hemorrhoid, get off my ass.

 

[moreluck]

Splinters in her crotch...




A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville , WA .

There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.

In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.

The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.

The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a "recreational area" so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but due to Obama-Care they turned you down!"

 

[moreluck]

Q: What's large, gray and doesn't matter ??

A: An irrelephant.

 

[moreluck]

Worship brings all kinds of responses, as I observed in church recently. An elderly woman was standing with eyes closed and hands raised in prayer and praise. The three-year-old standing in the pew in front of her turned around and gave her a high-five!