Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Subject: You Might Be A REDNECK Pilot If............
1. Your stall warning plays " DIXIE ."

2. Your cross-country flight plan uses flea markets as check points.

3. You think sectionals should show trailer parks.

4. You've ever used moonshine as AVGas.

5. Your 172's wheel pants have mud flaps with a chrome silhouette of a
reclining nude.

6. Your toothpick keeps poking your mike.

7. You've ever taxied around the airport just drinking beer.

8. You wouldn't be caught dead in a Grumman Yankee


9. You use an old sweet mix sack as a wind sock.

10. You constantly confuse "Beechcraft" with "Beechnut."

11. You've never flown a nosewheel airplane.


12. You refer to formation flying as "We got us a convoy."

13. Your matched set of lightweight flying luggage is 3 grocery bags from
Walmart.

14. You have a gun rack in the rear window.

15. You have more than one roll of duct tape holding your cowling on.

16. You figure mud and manure in your weight and balance calculations.

17. You siphon gas from your tractor to go flying.

18. You've never landed at an actual airport, even though you've been flying
for over 20-years.

19. You've ever ground looped to avoid hitting a cow.


20. You consider anything over 100-ft AGL as High Altitude Flying.

21. There are parts on your aircraft labeled "John Deere."

22. You don't own a current sectional, but have all the Texaco road maps for
your area.

23. There's a brown streak down each side of your airplane; exhaust on the
right side and tobacco on
the left.

24. You have to buzz the strip to chase off the livestock before landing.

25. You use an old parachute for a portable hanger.


26. You've ever landed on Main street for a cup of coffee.

27. The tread pattern, if any, on all three of your tires is different.


28. You have a pair of fuzzy dice and some small copper shoes hanging from
the Magnetic Compass.

29. You put straw in the baggage compartment so your dogs don't get cold.

30. You've got matching bumper stickers on each side of the vertical
stabilizer.

31. There are grass stains on the tips of your propeller.

32. Somewhere on your plane, there's a bumper sticker that reads "I'd rather
be fishing."


33. You navigate with your ADF tuned to only AM country stations.


34. You think an ultra light is a new sissy beer from Budweiser.


35. Just before the crash, everybody on the UNICOM frequency heard you say,
"Hey Y'all-Watch this!"

 

[moreluck]

Feeling lazier than the guy who drew the Japanese flag !!

 

[moreluck]

Ice Fishin'

​

There were two good ol' boys from Alabama who love to fish, and they wanted to do some ice fishing.
They'd heard about it up in Canada, and they took off up there. The lake was frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, "We're going to need an ice pick."
So they got that, and they took off. In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, "We're going to need another dozen ice picks."
Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn't. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left.
In about an hour, he was back. "We're going to need all the ice picks you've got."
The bait man couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he asked, "how are you fellows doing?"
"Not very well at all," he said. "We don't even have the boat in the water yet."

 

[moreluck]

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2 . Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an *******.

3. Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future

6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid..

7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido : All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

 

[moreluck]

A Real Cowboy
​

An old cowboy dressed to kill with a cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink.
As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"
The cowboy replied, "Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences, I guess I am." After a short while he asked her what she was.
She replied, "I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, work, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."
A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.
A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm probably a lesbian."

 

[moreluck]

During an "Occupy L.A." protest, actor Danny Glover said "we need 24/7 warriors." Danny, we've got plenty - in Iraq & Afghanistan.



Comedian Bill Maher said of the Republican party, "denying racism is the new racism." And apparently, not being funny is the new comedy.


Vice President Joe Biden said that Occupy Wall Street has "a lot in common with the Tea Party." Sure, like Obama trying to fundraise off them.


In his weekly address, President Obama challenged Republicans to "prove" his jobs plan wouldn't work. No problem. Anyone got an 8th grade economics textbook handy?

 

[moreluck]

ALL I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT BIRTHDAYS, I LEARNED FROM MY CAT:

Be finicky - they'll try harder to please you.

Give attitude - get attention.

If you don't like your presents, SULK.

If you get bored at your party - just curl up for a nap.

Don't stress out over your first grey whisker.

Act completely unimpressed by the presents you receive.

Remember, this is your day, so if anyone bugs you, you're allowed to hiss and spit.

Take the day off and lie in the sun.

Stay out on the prowl all night long.

Demand only the most expensive fresh fish for dinner.

It's a good day to shed your inhibitions.

Act catty - toy with your presents before you tear them open.

Don't overdo it with the catnip or you'll regret it in the morning.

If you aren't getting enough attention, sharpen your claws on somebody's leg.

Don't let anything or anyone PUT YOU OUT!

And remember... curiosity might kill you, but birthdays won't!

 

[moreluck]

Obama wakes up one night, there is George Washington's ghost! He says, " George,how can I help this country?" Washington replies, "Be honest with the people like I was!" Obama goes back to sleep and awakes again. This time its' Thomas Jefferson's ghost! He says "Tom how can I help this country?" Jefferson says, "Love the constitution like I did!" Waking up again there is Abe Lincoln's ghost, he says "Abe how can I help this country?" Abe replies, "Go see a play.

 

[moreluck]

Here's another way to look at the Debt Ceiling:

Let's say, You come home from work and find there has been a sewer backup in your neighborhood....and your home has sewage all the way up to your ceilings.

What do you think you should do ……
Raise the ceilings, or pump out the *****?














Your choice is coming Nov. 2012

 

[moreluck]

Modern Times

​

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restrooms at a rest stop but, I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin Just Fine!"

And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
"Uhhh I'm like you, just traveling east!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.

"Can I come over to your place after while?"

Ok, this question is just wacky but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation.
I tell him, "Well, I have company over so today is a bad day for me!"

Then I hear the guy say nervously...

"LISTEN, I'll have to call you back.
There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!"

 

[moreluck]

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a fxxxing wall."

 

[moreluck]

"I learned that Jehovah's Witnesses will not participate in Halloween. I don't know if it's part of their religion. I guess they just don't like it when strangers go up to their doors and bother them." -

 

[moreluck]

Alerts to Threats in 2011 Europe

by John Cleese​

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to “Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

​

John Cleese​

British writer, actor and tall person​

 

[moreluck]

Vocabulary Word for the Day

LIQUIDITY


Definition:

Liquidity is when you look at
your retirement funds
and wet your pants!

 

[moreluck]

This is the story of a poor lady flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.

He has a heart attack and dies. She frantically calls a May Day:

"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead.
And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"

All of a sudden she hears a voice over the radio saying:

"The is the tower. I have received your message and I will talk you through it.
I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just relax.
Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."

She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."

"O.K." says the voice from the tower.
"Repeat after me: Our Father. . . Who art in Heaven. . . .."

 

[moreluck]

Halloween Definitions..........

Coffin: What you do when you get a piece of popcorn stuck in your throat.

Frankenstein: Hot dog and a mug of beer.

Boogieman: Guy who passes time at a stoplight picking his nose.

Jack O' Lantern: An Irish Pumpkin.

Jack the Ripper: What Jack does to his lottery tickets after losing each week.

Mummy: Who kisses the boo-boo after you scrape your knee.

Pumpkin Patch: What a pumpkin wears when trying to quit smoking.

Skeleton: Any supermodel.

Vampire Bat: What Dracula hits a baseball with.

Zombie: What you look like before that first cup of morning coffee.

 

[moreluck]

LIFE







On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God saw it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God, again saw it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You asked for it.."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.

 

[moreluck]

Black Death.............

An elderly parish priest was tending his garden near a convent when a passerby stopped to inquire after the priest's much-loved roses. "Not bad," said the priest, "but they suffer from a disease peculiar to this area known as the black death."

"What on earth is that?" asked the passerby, anxious to increase his garden knowledge.

"Nuns with scissors."

 

[moreluck]

HELGA'S DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP


DEAR DIARY - DAY 1


All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting.


Our local Red Hat chapter - The Late Bloomers decided on this "all-girls" trip.


It will be my first one, - and I can't wait!


----------------------------------------------------


DEAR DIARY - DAY 2


Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.


----------------------------------------------------


DEAR DIARY - DAY 3


At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.


---------------------------------------------------


DEAR DIARY - DAY 4


Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.

----------------------------------------------------

DEAR DIARY - DAY 5

Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks.

Really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship... I was shocked.

----------------------------------------------------

DEAR DIARY - DAY 6

Today I saved 2600 lives.

Twice

 

[moreluck]

You Might Be A REDNECK Pilot If...............

1. Your stall warning plays " DIXIE ."

2. Your cross-country flight plan uses flea markets as check points.

3. You think sectionals should show trailer parks.


4. You've ever used moonshine as AVGas.

5. Your 172's wheel pants have mud flaps with a chrome silhouette of a
reclining nude.


6. Your toothpick keeps poking your mike.


7. You've ever taxied around the airport just drinking beer.


8. You wouldn't be caught dead in a Grumman Yankee.


9. You use an old sweet mix sack as a wind sock.


10. You constantly confuse "Beechcraft" with "Beechnut."


11. You've never flown a nosewheel airplane.


12. You refer to formation flying as "We got us a convoy."


13. Your matched set of lightweight flying luggage is 3 grocery bags from
Walmart.

14. You have a gun rack in the rear window.


15. You have more than one roll of duct tape holding your cowling on.


16. You figure mud and manure in your weight and balance calculations.


17. You siphon gas from your tractor to go flying.


18. You've never landed at an actual airport, even though you've been flying
for over 20-years.


19. You've ever ground looped to avoid hitting a cow.


20. You consider anything over 100-ft AGL as High Altitude Flying.


21. There are parts on your aircraft labeled "John Deere."


22. You don't own a current sectional, but have all the Texaco road maps for
your area.


23. There's a brown streak down each side of your airplane; exhaust on the
right side and tobacco on the left.


24. You have to buzz the strip to chase off the livestock before landing.


25. You use an old parachute for a portable hanger.


26. You've ever landed on Main street for a cup of coffee.


27. The tread pattern, if any, on all three of your tires is different.


28. You have a pair of fuzzy dice and some small copper shoes hanging from the Magnetic Compass.


29. You put straw in the baggage compartment so your dogs don't get cold.


30. You've got matching bumper stickers on each side of the vertical
stabilizer.


31. There are grass stains on the tips of your propeller.


32. Somewhere on your plane, there's a bumper sticker that reads "I'd rather
be fishing."


33. You navigate with your ADF tuned to only AM country stations.


34. You think an ultra light is a new sissy beer from Budweiser.


35. Just before the crash, everybody on the UNICOM frequency heard you say,
"Hey Y'all-Watch this!"