Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

THE MODERN TOOLBOX...............

Hammer - In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on ones enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself.

Screwdriver - The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver.

Phillips Screwdriver - The bar drink that you order when the damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka.

Pliers - A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install.

Multi-Pliers - Contain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools. Best left in its leather sheath and worn on a homeowners belt to increase testosterone levels.

Electronic Stud Finder - An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself.

Halogen Light - A worklight that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you're working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway.

Cordless Drill - A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool.

Cordless Telephone - The handyman's 911.

Air Compressor - A mechanical device similar in principal to harnessing the power of your mother-in-law's nagging complaints and using the resulting airflow to blast old paint off the side of the house.

Chainsaw - Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidentally built completely around yourself.

Vise Grips - A pair of helping hands that doesn't critique the job you're doing or offer advice.

 

[moreluck]

When witches go riding,
and black cats are seen,
the moon laughs and whispers,
'tis near Halloween.

~Author Unknown~

 

[moreluck]

You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when:

10. You keep knocking on your own front door.

9. You remove your false teeth to
Change your appearance.

8. You ask for soft high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag,
You lose your balance and fall over.


6. People say: 'Great Boris Karloff Mask,'
And you're not wearing a mask.

5. When the door opens you yell, 'Trick or...'
And you can't remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night,
You have a bag full of restraining orders.


3. You have to carefully choose a costume that
Doesn't dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the
Neighborhood with a walker.

And the number one reason Seniors should not go
Trick Or Treating...
*
*
*
1. You keep having to go home to pee.


No matter, have a HAPPY HALLOWEEN anyway.

 

[moreluck]

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my
way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!'

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, 'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?'

The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig. I had him buried upside down. And you know men won't ask for directions....'

Women Think of Everything!!

 

[moreluck]

British Humor

At first, I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
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The wife suggested I get myself one of those dick enlargers, so I did.... she's 21 and her name's Lucy!
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Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other nasty names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary!
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The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops - although, they do make me look a bit gay.
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Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."
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My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said: "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
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Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend: Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible. Or in other words ........... B.I.G.T.I.T.S.
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Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot."
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Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please."
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Prince William says he doesn't want the traditional fruit cake at his wedding. Prince Phillip says he doesn't give
a ****, he's still going.
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The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!
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[moreluck]

Did you know that a man is made up of many useless things?

He has an Adam's apple that isn't an apple...

Two calves that will never become cows...

A nose bridge that doesn't lead anywhere...

A roof of the mouth that won't cover anything...

Twenty nails that won't hold a board...

A chest that won't hold linen...

Two tits that won't give milk...

Two buns that won't feed anyone...

A belly button that won't button...

Two balls that won't roll...

An ass that won't pull a plow...

An organ that won't play music...

A cock that won't crow...

 

[moreluck]

Animal Truisms

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.

An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.

Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.

Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.

Although cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.

Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.

Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful

I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.

 

[moreluck]

Something Unusual
​

The class assignment was to write about something unusual that happened during the past week. Jimmy got up to read his, "Papa fell in the well last week..." he began.
"Good heavens," shrieked Ms. Roseapple, "Is he all right now?"
"He must be," replied Jimmy, "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."

 

[PT Stewie]

The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA)

Washington, DC March 23, 2011 - The Obama Administration is urging Congress and the Senate to pass sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for many Americans: The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA) . President Obama said he will sign it as soon as it hits his desk.

The AWNAA is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.

'Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society,' said California Senator Barbara Boxer. 'We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing. We are legalizing another protected class of Americans.'

In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D) and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D) pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack any job skills, making this agency the single largest U.S. Employer of Persons of Inability.

Private-sector industries with good records of non-discrimination against the Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%), and home improvement 'warehouse' stores (65%). At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record of hiring Persons of Inability (a whopping 83%).

Under The Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million 'middle man' positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.

Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will given so as to guarantee upward mobility for even the most inept employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability into middle-management positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

Finally, the AWNAA contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Non-abled, banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as, 'Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?'

'As a Non-abled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them,' said Ken Cox, who lost his position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint , Michigan , due to his inability to remember 'righty tightey, lefty loosey.' 'This new law should be real good for people like me,' Cox added. With the passage of this bill, Cox and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Senator Dick Durbin (D-IL): 'As a Senator with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her inadequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and a good salary for doing so.'

 

[moreluck]

Preaching
​

Two elderly, excited Southern women were sitting together in the front pew of church listening to a fiery preacher.
When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing, these two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs, "AMEN, BROTHER!"
When the preacher condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again, "PREACH IT, REVEREND!"
And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and screamed, "RIGHT ON, BROTHER! TELL IT LIKE IT IS...AMEN!"
But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet. One turned to the other and said, "He's quit preaching and now he's meddlin'."

 

[moreluck]

How's this for intelligence?

Great Orators

"One man with courage makes a majority." - Andrew Jackson

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." - Franklin D. Roosevelt

"The buck stops here." - Harry S. Truman

"Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country." - John friend. Kennedy


And, from today's geniuses .........

"It depends what your definition of 'Sex' is?'' - Bill Clinton

"That Obama ... I would like to cut his NUTS off." - Jesse Jackson

"Those rumors are false ... I believe in the sanctity of marriage." - John Edwards

"I invented the Internet." - Al Gore

"The next Person that tells me I'm not religious, I'm going to shove my rosary beads up their ASS." - Joe Biden

"America is ... is no longer, uh, what it ... it, uh, could be, uh, what it was once was ... uh, and I say to myself, 'uh, I don't want that future, uh, uh for my children." - Barack Obama

"I have campaigned in all 57 states." - Barack Obama (Quoted 2008)

"You don't need God anymore, you have us Democrats." - Nancy Pelosi (Quoted 2006)

"Paying taxes is voluntary." - Sen. Harry Reid

"Bill is the greatest husband and father I know. No one is more faithful, true, and honest than he." - Hillary Clinton (Quoted 1998)

And the most recent gem of wisdom from the "Mother maroon":

"We just have to pass the Healthcare Bill to see what's in it." - Nancy Pelosi (Quoted March, 2010)


HOW LUCKY CAN WE BE - TO HAVE SUCH BRILLIANT MINDS IN CHARGE OF OUR ONCE GREAT COUNTRY?


''Life's tough ... it's even tougher if you're stupid.''
- John Wayne

 

[moreluck]

WHACKY THOUGHTS............


"Danger" is my middle name!!
Unfortunately "Stranger" is my first



I went to donate blood the other day, but they wouldn't take it.
Apparently they need to know where it comes from.



What is six inches long and makes a man groan as soon as a woman touches it?
A gear stick.


"Instant Karma" isnt as good as "Homemade Karma"


"Bitch, she just called you fat."
"OH HELL NO! Hold my cake!"


There is a "Me" in the "Team" - Jerry Sandusky


I never tell people to go to hell.
I don't want to see these *******s again when I'm dead.


Scrabble, it's all fun and games until someone loses an i.


There must be some asian people somewhere named Wang Chung who wonder why they're so damn popular with Westerners.


Whenever I hear "let us pray"
My mind automatically adds
"on the weak minded and gullible.


OPRAH stop talking about diets! Just STOP!


When I have kids, discipline will come in the form of blow darts.


The best way to protect yourself from online fraud is to use a stolen credit card.


Now that I'm older, the monsters have gone from living under my bed to living in my mailbox.


I just broke up with this cross-eyed chick.
I thought she was seeing someone else.

 

[moreluck]

Dog Pet Peeves

​

Yelling at me for barking...HEY, I'M A DOG!!
Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...stop it.
Blaming your farts on me...not funny...not funny at all.
Yelling at me for rubbing my bottom on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?
Dog sweaters. Hello...have you noticed the fur?
Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.Taking me to the vet for "the big snip," then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back.
The slight of hand, fake-fetch-throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

 

[moreluck]

How a "stimulus package" works...............

It's a slow day in the small town of Pumphandle and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit.

A tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night.

As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
(Stay with this.....and pay attention)

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill to his supplier, the Co-op.

The guy at the Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.

The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.

(Almost done...keep reading)

The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the traveler will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the $100 bill and leaves.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town now thinks that they are out of debt and there is a false atmosphere of optimism and glee.

And that, my friends, is how a "stimulus package" works!

 

[moreluck]

Naughty Things You Can Only Say On Thanksgiving.................
1. Talk about a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's Cool Whip time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. That's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. Its a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll g...et some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open & stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up

 

[moreluck]

To Be A Kid Again
​

Sometimes I want to be a kid again. I want to go back to the time when:


~ Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo."
~ Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming "do over!"
~ "Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
~ Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly."
~ Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.
~ It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.
~ Being old referred to anyone over 20.
~ The net on a tennis court was the perfect height to play volleyball and the rules didn't matter.
~ The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties.
~ It was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb or take my nose off my face.
~ It was unbelievable that dodgeball wasn't an Olympic event.
~ Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot.
~ Nobody was prettier than Mom.
~ Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.
~ It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the "big people" rides at the amusement park.
~ Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.
~ Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare."
~ Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute ads for action figures.
~ "Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense.
~ Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles.
~ The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
~ War was a card game.
~ Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.
~ Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.
~ Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin.
~ Ice cream was considered a basic food group.
~ Older siblings were the worst tormentors but also the fiercest protectors.

 

[moreluck]

THANKSGIVING WEATHER.............

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.

A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.

Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.

 

[moreluck]

Top 10 Signs You Bought A Bad Christmas Tree

1. Two feet tall, forty feet wide
2. Salesman's opening line: "You're not a cop, are you?"
3. It looks suspiciously like a broom handle with a lot of coat hangers stuck into it
4. While you sleep, it gets liquored up and takes the family caravan for a joy ride
5. Each branch has "Duraflame" printed on it
6. Keeps heckling while you try to do a lame top ten list
7. It's very small and says "Air Freshener" on it
8. Rabbis have better Christmas trees than yours
9. Some guy named Mujibur puts a cheap Statue of Liberty on top of it
10. Constantly bragging about its "trunk size"

 

[moreluck]

The 12 Days of Thanksgiving

On the First Day..... We give thanks for the fresh turkey feast and its hot trimmings.

On the Second Day..... We bless the cold turkey sandwiches, sloshy cranberry sauce, and hard rolls.

On the Third Day..... We praise the turkey pie and vintage mixed veggies.

On the Fourth Day..... We thank the pilgrims for not serving bison that first time, or we'd be celebrating Thanksgiving until April.

On the Fifth Day..... We gobble up cubed bird casserole and pray for a glimpse of a naked turkey carcass.

On the Sixth Day..... We show gratitude (sort of) to the creative cook who slings cashews at the turkey and calls it Oriental.

On the Seventh Day..... We forgive our forefathers and pass the turkey-nugget pizza.

On the Eighth! Day..... The word 'vegetarian' keeps popping into our heads.

On the Ninth Day..... We check our hair to make sure we're not beginning to sprout feathers.

On the Tenth Day..... We hope that the wing meat kabobs catch fire under the broiler.

On the Eleventh Day..... We smile over the creamed gizzard because the thigh bones are in sight.

On the Twelfth Day..... We apologize for running out of turkey leftovers. And everybody says..... AMEN

 

[moreluck]

This Thanksgiving I'm thankful ...................

That I'm not a turkey.
That grass doesn't grow through snow, necessitating winter mowing as well as shoveling.
That there are only twenty-four hours available each day for TV programming.
That there aren't twice as many Congressional Representatives and half as many doctors.
That teenagers ultimately will have children who will become teenagers.
That the space available for messages on T-shirts and bumpers is limited.
That snow covers the unraked leaves.
That hugs and kisses don't add weight or cause cancer.
That DVDs and radios and TV sets and washers and mixers and lights can be turned off.
That no one can turn off the moon and stars.