Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2
- Thread starter moreluck
- Start date
moreluck
golden ticket member
You Know You're a Mom......
You Know You've Turned Into a Mom When...
You automatically double-knot everything you tie.
You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes.
You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at school!
You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce.
You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to you.
You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your teenager say, "Mom, why don't you wear the ones you pushed up on your head?"
You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you've reached over and started to cut up his steak!
You Know You've Turned Into a Mom When...
You automatically double-knot everything you tie.
You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes.
You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at school!
You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce.
You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to you.
You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your teenager say, "Mom, why don't you wear the ones you pushed up on your head?"
You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you've reached over and started to cut up his steak!
moreluck
golden ticket member
THE MODERN TOOLBOX.........................
Hammer - In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on ones enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself.
Screwdriver - The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver.
Phillips Screwdriver - The bar drink that you order when the damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka.
Pliers - A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install.
Multi-Pliers - Contain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools. Best left in its leather sheath and worn on a homeowners belt to increase testosterone levels.
Electronic Stud Finder - An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself.
Halogen Light - A worklight that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you're working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway.
Cordless Drill - A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool.
Cordless Telephone - The handyman's 911.
Air Compressor - A mechanical device similar in principal to harnessing the power of your mother-in-law's nagging complaints and using the resulting airflow to blast old paint off the side of the house.
Chainsaw - Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidentally built completely around yourself.
Vise Grips - A pair of helping hands that doesn't critique the job you're doing or offer advice.
Hammer - In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on ones enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself.
Screwdriver - The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver.
Phillips Screwdriver - The bar drink that you order when the damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka.
Pliers - A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install.
Multi-Pliers - Contain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools. Best left in its leather sheath and worn on a homeowners belt to increase testosterone levels.
Electronic Stud Finder - An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself.
Halogen Light - A worklight that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you're working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway.
Cordless Drill - A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool.
Cordless Telephone - The handyman's 911.
Air Compressor - A mechanical device similar in principal to harnessing the power of your mother-in-law's nagging complaints and using the resulting airflow to blast old paint off the side of the house.
Chainsaw - Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidentally built completely around yourself.
Vise Grips - A pair of helping hands that doesn't critique the job you're doing or offer advice.
moreluck
golden ticket member
In Texas there is a town called New Braunfels, where there is a large German-speaking population..
One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using his hand to drink water from the rancher's stock pond.
The rancher rolled down the window and shouted: "Sehr angenehm!Trink das Wasser nicht. Die kuehe haben darein geschissen."
Which means: "Glad to meet you! Don't drink the water. The cows have pooped in it."
The man shouted back: "I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for Obama's health care plan. I can't understand you. Please speak in English."
The rancher replied: "Use both hands."
One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using his hand to drink water from the rancher's stock pond.
The rancher rolled down the window and shouted: "Sehr angenehm!Trink das Wasser nicht. Die kuehe haben darein geschissen."
Which means: "Glad to meet you! Don't drink the water. The cows have pooped in it."
The man shouted back: "I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for Obama's health care plan. I can't understand you. Please speak in English."
The rancher replied: "Use both hands."
moreluck
golden ticket member
During a recent password audit by Google,
it was found that a blonde was using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"
When asked why she had such a long password, she rolled her eyes and said:
"Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital."
it was found that a blonde was using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"
When asked why she had such a long password, she rolled her eyes and said:
"Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital."
moreluck
golden ticket member
Sometimes, inappropriate is just plain funny.............
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said, "You're pulling my leg."
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice. At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
Went for my routine check-up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists?
A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says, “What do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.”
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening.
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I’ve been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.
At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa.
One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing commonly found in cells. It appears that Mexicans is not the correct answer either.
There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new bomber jackets.
You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.
A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said, "How can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother's got a moustache."
Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook. I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know 4,000 friend....g Muslims have added me as a friend!
Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk,"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular people-porn, you sick bastard.”
The Red Cross just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said, "You're pulling my leg."
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice. At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
Went for my routine check-up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists?
A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says, “What do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.”
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening.
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I’ve been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.
At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa.
One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing commonly found in cells. It appears that Mexicans is not the correct answer either.
There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new bomber jackets.
You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.
A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said, "How can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother's got a moustache."
Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook. I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know 4,000 friend....g Muslims have added me as a friend!
Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk,"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular people-porn, you sick bastard.”
The Red Cross just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.
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moreluck
golden ticket member
5 rules to remember in Life..............................
1. Money can not buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the
’s name.
3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.
THERE YOU HAVE IT.
1. Money can not buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the
’s name.3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.
THERE YOU HAVE IT.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Oh those clever Canucks.............
Sheldon, a butcher just out of trade school in Canada applies for and gets a job, skinning and cutting up the kills of local hunters. The first project he gets is to cut up a moose to put in the freezer.
Sheldon finally gets the moose cut up and is putting it into bags and marking them carefully with the contents: chops, rump steak, ribs, sirloin, etc, etc. When he finishes with the stuff he knows, he is still left with a pile of unidentifiable moose parts. At a loss as to what to do with them, he finally puts them all into one large bag and labelsthem..."Moosellaneous."
Sheldon, a butcher just out of trade school in Canada applies for and gets a job, skinning and cutting up the kills of local hunters. The first project he gets is to cut up a moose to put in the freezer.
Sheldon finally gets the moose cut up and is putting it into bags and marking them carefully with the contents: chops, rump steak, ribs, sirloin, etc, etc. When he finishes with the stuff he knows, he is still left with a pile of unidentifiable moose parts. At a loss as to what to do with them, he finally puts them all into one large bag and labelsthem..."Moosellaneous."
moreluck
golden ticket member
Everybody knows about the Fujita Scale which measures the power of tornados. But nobody really knows what all those types of twisters do to COWS. So here is the MOOJITA Scale...
MOOJITA SCALE:
M0 Tornado- Cows in an open field are spun around parallel to the wind flow and become mildly annoyed.
M1 Tornado- Cows are tipped over and can't get up.
M2 Tornado- Cows begin rolling with the wind.
M3 Tornado- Cows tumble and bounce.
M4 Tornado- Cows are AIRBORN.
M5 Tornado- S T E A K ! ! !
MOOJITA SCALE:
M0 Tornado- Cows in an open field are spun around parallel to the wind flow and become mildly annoyed.
M1 Tornado- Cows are tipped over and can't get up.
M2 Tornado- Cows begin rolling with the wind.
M3 Tornado- Cows tumble and bounce.
M4 Tornado- Cows are AIRBORN.
M5 Tornado- S T E A K ! ! !
moreluck
golden ticket member
One reason the Military Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors. The Army would occupy the building so no one could enter. Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat. The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.
moreluck
golden ticket member
"Children's Christmas Carols"................
A teacher asked her students to write the words to their favorite Christmas Carols. She probably got fired for mentioning Christmas in school. Anyway here are some of the humorous lines she received:
Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly
We three kings of porridge and tar
On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me
Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire.
He's makin a list, chicken and rice.
Noel. Noel, Barney's the king of Israel.
With the jelly toast proclaim
Olive, the other reindeer. (all of the other reindeer)
Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say
Sleep in heavenly peas
In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse and brown
You'll go down in listerine
Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay
O come, froggy faithful
A teacher asked her students to write the words to their favorite Christmas Carols. She probably got fired for mentioning Christmas in school. Anyway here are some of the humorous lines she received:
Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly
We three kings of porridge and tar
On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me
Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire.
He's makin a list, chicken and rice.
Noel. Noel, Barney's the king of Israel.
With the jelly toast proclaim
Olive, the other reindeer. (all of the other reindeer)
Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say
Sleep in heavenly peas
In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse and brown
You'll go down in listerine
Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay
O come, froggy faithful
moreluck
golden ticket member
How To Tell If You're A Grinch...Bah! Humbug!
Your only contact with three spirits on Christmas Eve is gin, vodka and bourbon.
You turn on the lawn sprinklers on Christmas Eve to keep carolers away.
You buy all of your Christmas gifts at a store that also sells gas.
Your idea of Christmas dinner is a six pack of beer and a cheese log.
You reuse last year's Christmas cards and send them out under your own name.
You steal light bulbs from you neighbor's outdoor display to replenish your own supply.
You steal gifts from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins.
You put out last year's stale candy canes for children.
Your only contact with three spirits on Christmas Eve is gin, vodka and bourbon.
You turn on the lawn sprinklers on Christmas Eve to keep carolers away.
You buy all of your Christmas gifts at a store that also sells gas.
Your idea of Christmas dinner is a six pack of beer and a cheese log.
You reuse last year's Christmas cards and send them out under your own name.
You steal light bulbs from you neighbor's outdoor display to replenish your own supply.
You steal gifts from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins.
You put out last year's stale candy canes for children.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Since Santa knows if we've been bad or good, here are some... what shall we say?..."inventive holiday ways" to call someone a nit wit, & still not upset Santa. . .
- A couple of slates short of a full roof.
- A few pies short of a holiday.
- A few too many lights out in his Christmas tree.
- All wax and no wick.
- Batteries not included.
- Chimney's clogged.
- Got his brains as a stocking filler.
- Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree.
- Several nuts over fruitcake minimum.
- A few presents short of a full sleigh.
- A couple of slates short of a full roof.
- A few pies short of a holiday.
- A few too many lights out in his Christmas tree.
- All wax and no wick.
- Batteries not included.
- Chimney's clogged.
- Got his brains as a stocking filler.
- Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree.
- Several nuts over fruitcake minimum.
- A few presents short of a full sleigh.
moreluck
golden ticket member
ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING ON
THE INCIDENT.
A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 with monthly payments
of $560.00. He and a friend go duck hunting in upper Wisconsin. It's
mid-winter and of course all of the lakes are frozen.
These two guys go out on the ice with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course
the new NAVIGATOR. They decide they want to make a natural looking open
water area for the ducks to focus on, something for the decoys to float
on.
Now making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is
going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can
produce. So out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of
dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse.
Our two Rocket Scientists afraid they might slip on the ice while
trying to run away after lighting the fuse decide on the following
course of action:
They light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust, they throw
the stick of dynamite as far away as possible.
Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR,
the GUNS, and the DOG...?
Let's talk about the dog:
He is a highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING; especially things
thrown by the owner.
You guessed it/ The dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of
speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse
just as it hits the ice.
The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in
their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler
at the dog to stop.
The dog, now apparently cheered on by his master, keeps coming.
One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The
shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black
Lab.
The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, then continues on.
Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really
confused and of course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone
insane!!!!!!
The dog takes off to find cover, UNDER the brand new Navigator.
The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the
truck touches the dog's rear end. He yelps, drops the dynamite under
the truck and takes off after his master.
Then KA BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving
the two idiots standing there with 'I can't believe this just happened'
looks on their faces.
The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal
use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. And the owner still had
yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments.
The dog is okay....doing fine.
And you thought all the Rednecks lived in the South.......
THE INCIDENT.
A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 with monthly payments
of $560.00. He and a friend go duck hunting in upper Wisconsin. It's
mid-winter and of course all of the lakes are frozen.
These two guys go out on the ice with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course
the new NAVIGATOR. They decide they want to make a natural looking open
water area for the ducks to focus on, something for the decoys to float
on.
Now making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is
going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can
produce. So out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of
dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse.
Our two Rocket Scientists afraid they might slip on the ice while
trying to run away after lighting the fuse decide on the following
course of action:
They light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust, they throw
the stick of dynamite as far away as possible.
Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR,
the GUNS, and the DOG...?
Let's talk about the dog:
He is a highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING; especially things
thrown by the owner.
You guessed it/ The dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of
speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse
just as it hits the ice.
The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in
their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler
at the dog to stop.
The dog, now apparently cheered on by his master, keeps coming.
One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The
shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black
Lab.
The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, then continues on.
Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really
confused and of course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone
insane!!!!!!
The dog takes off to find cover, UNDER the brand new Navigator.
The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the
truck touches the dog's rear end. He yelps, drops the dynamite under
the truck and takes off after his master.
Then KA BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving
the two idiots standing there with 'I can't believe this just happened'
looks on their faces.
The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal
use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. And the owner still had
yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments.
The dog is okay....doing fine.
And you thought all the Rednecks lived in the South.......
moreluck
golden ticket member
TOP 10 REASONS WHY HANUKKAH IS BETTER THAN CHRISTMAS
10. There's no "Kathy Lee Gifford Special"
9. Eight days of presents
8. No need to clean the chimney
7. There's no latke-nog
6. Burl Ives doesn't sing Hanukkah songs
5. You won't be pressured to buy Hanukkah Seals
4. You won't see, "You're a Putz, Charlie Brown."
3. No barking dog version of "I had a Little Dreidl."
2. No pine needles to vacuum up afterwards
1. Latkes are cheaper to mail than fruitcakes
10. There's no "Kathy Lee Gifford Special"
9. Eight days of presents
8. No need to clean the chimney
7. There's no latke-nog
6. Burl Ives doesn't sing Hanukkah songs
5. You won't be pressured to buy Hanukkah Seals
4. You won't see, "You're a Putz, Charlie Brown."
3. No barking dog version of "I had a Little Dreidl."
2. No pine needles to vacuum up afterwards
1. Latkes are cheaper to mail than fruitcakes
moreluck
golden ticket member
Kids statements that are a little ........ off track:
* God bless America Thru the night with a light from a bulb!
* 0 Susanna, 0 don't you cry for me, For I come from Alabama with a band-aid on my knee!
* Give us this day our deli bread! Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Whole East Coast.
* We shall come to Joyce's, bringing in the cheese.
* Gladly, the consecrated, cross-eyed bear.
* He carrots for you.
* Yield Not to Penn Station.
* Dust Around the Throne.
* Praise God From whom all blessings flow, Praise Him all creatures, HERE WE GO
* Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names.
* While shepherds washed their socks by night
* He socked me and boxed me with His redeeming glove.
* God bless America Thru the night with a light from a bulb!
* 0 Susanna, 0 don't you cry for me, For I come from Alabama with a band-aid on my knee!
* Give us this day our deli bread! Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Whole East Coast.
* We shall come to Joyce's, bringing in the cheese.
* Gladly, the consecrated, cross-eyed bear.
* He carrots for you.
* Yield Not to Penn Station.
* Dust Around the Throne.
* Praise God From whom all blessings flow, Praise Him all creatures, HERE WE GO
* Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names.
* While shepherds washed their socks by night
* He socked me and boxed me with His redeeming glove.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Welfare Check:
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi.. You know...., I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull****tin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... You started it."
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi.. You know...., I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull****tin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... You started it."
moreluck
golden ticket member
The finalist has been named in the worldwide search for the perfect man.
After careful consideration and endless debate, The Perfect Man has been named....MR. POTATO HEAD.
He's tan. He's cute. He knows the importance of accessorizing.
And if he looks at another girl, you can rearrange his face.
After careful consideration and endless debate, The Perfect Man has been named....MR. POTATO HEAD.
He's tan. He's cute. He knows the importance of accessorizing.
And if he looks at another girl, you can rearrange his face.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Men's Medical Care............
After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate exam with the Canadian National Health Service, I decided to have my next test done while visiting San Francisco where I was told the beautiful nurses are more gentle and accommodating.
As I laid naked on my side on the table, the nurse began the examination. "Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it is quite normal to get an erection", said the nurse. "I haven't got an erection", I said.
"No, but I have", replied the nurse.
Don't have this procedure done in California.
After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate exam with the Canadian National Health Service, I decided to have my next test done while visiting San Francisco where I was told the beautiful nurses are more gentle and accommodating.
As I laid naked on my side on the table, the nurse began the examination. "Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it is quite normal to get an erection", said the nurse. "I haven't got an erection", I said.
"No, but I have", replied the nurse.
Don't have this procedure done in California.
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