Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Very touching story..............

An older couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed.

Walking along the surprised wife look up and noticed her husband was no where around and she was very upset because they had a lot to do.

She used her cell phone to call her husband because she was so upset, to ask him where he was.

The husband in a calm voice said, honey remember the jewelry store we went into 15 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day.

His wife said crying, yes I remember that jewelry store. He said, well I'm in the bar next to it

 

[moreluck]

THE MODERN TOOLBOX...........

Hammer - In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on ones enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself.

Screwdriver - The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver.

Phillips Screwdriver - The bar drink that you order when the damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka.

Pliers - A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install.

Multi-Pliers - Contain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools. Best left in its leather sheath and worn on a homeowners belt to increase testosterone levels.

Electronic Stud Finder - An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself.

Halogen Light - A worklight that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you're working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway.

Cordless Drill - A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool.

Cordless Telephone - The handyman's 911.

Air Compressor - A mechanical device similar in principal to harnessing the power of your mother-in-law's nagging complaints and using the resulting airflow to blast old paint off the side of the house.

Chainsaw - Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidentally built completely around yourself.

Vise Grips - A pair of helping hands that doesn't critique the job you're doing or offer advice.

 

[moreluck]

Night After A Redneck Christmasposted: 12/26/2011


'Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer, the beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler. The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys and I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy.


The kids they weren't talking to me or my wife, the worst Christmas they said they had had in their lives. My wife couldn't argue and neither could I, so I watched TV and my wife, she just cried.

When out in the yard the dog started barkin', I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin. He yelled, "Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws and I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus."

I said, "Claus, I don't know nobody named Claus, and you ain't taking me in without probable cause." Then the Sheriff he said, "The man was shot at last night." I said, "That might have been me, just what's he look like."

The Sheriff replied, "Well he's a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly, that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly. He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry." I said, "Sheriff that sounds like my wife's sister Sherri."

"It's no time for jokes Roy" the Sheriff he said. "The man I'm describing in dressed all in red. I'm here for the truth now, it's time to come clean. Tell me what you've done, tell me what you've seen."

Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell, it wouldn't have been the first time that I've spent New Years in jail. I said, "Sheriff it happened last night about ten, and I thought that my wife had been drinking again."

When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost. I thought maybe she had seen one of them UFO's. But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head, and stopped on the roof of our good neighbour Red.

Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder, a freezer full of venison standing right on Red's gutter. Well my hands were a shakin' as I grabbed my gun, when outta Red's chimney this feller did run.

And slung on his back was this bag over flowin'. I thought he stolen Red's stuff while old Red was out bowling'. So I yelled, "Drop fat boy, hands in the air!" But he went about his business like he hadn't a care.

So I popped a warning shot over his head. Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled. And as he flew off I heard him extort, "That's assault with intent Roy, I'll see ya in court."

 

[moreluck]

SHE MISSED THE POINT...

After delivering a lecture on drawing, I gave my art class its assignment - complete a self-portrait. A blonde in the front row raised her hand and asked, "Of anyone?"

 

[moreluck]

Signs Your Family Has Gone Overboard With the Outdoor Christmas Lights . . ...................

You have to put on SPF 50 sunblock to go outside, and you live in Minneapolis.

The neighbors have stopped complaining about the light... and started complaining about the temperature.

Your house is now the *second* man-made structure visible from orbit.

The mayor of Las Vegas calls your house the tackiest building he's ever seen.

Your front yard has replaced Norway as "Land of the Midnight Sun."

At the stroke of 1:00 am the ghost of Thomas Edison appears and asks what the hell you're doing.

 

[moreluck]

New Year Resolutions for Pets

15. I will not eat other animals' poop.

14. I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.

13. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

12. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

11. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.

10. Cats: Circulate a petition that sleeping become a juried competition in major animal shows.

9. Come to understand that cats are from Venus; dogs are from Mars.

8. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.

7. Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on steroids, or they'll flush me!

6. Get a bite in on that freak who gives me that shot every year.

5. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.

4. Cats: Use new living room sofa as scratching post.

3. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock!
January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.

2. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

AND the Number 1 New Year's Resolutions Made by Pets...

1. I will NOT chase the stick until I see it LEAVE THE IDIOT'S HAND

 

[moreluck]

Short ones.....

A preschooler looked uncertain when he was asked his full name. His older sister whispered to him helpfully, "That's what Mom calls you when she's really mad!"


I realized I might have been overdoing my authoritative role somewhat when I overheard one of my sons say in exasperation to his father, "Dad, we have to get Mom a country to run!"


TEACHER: Abby, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
Abby: ME!

 

[moreluck]

New Priest...

A new priest, born and raised inTexas, comes to

serve in a city parish and is nervous about

hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest

to sit in on his sessions.

The new priest

hears a couple of confessions,

then

the old priest asks him to step out

of

the confessional for a few

suggestions.

The old priest suggests,

"Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your

chin with one
hand

and try saying things like 'Yes, I see,' and

'Yes, go on,' and 'I understand.'

The new

priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one

hand and repeats all the suggested

remarks

to the old priest.

The old priest says,

"Now, don't you think that's a little better

than slapping your knee
and

saying, "No *****, what happened

next?"

 

[moreluck]

Milk and eggs

This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:

A wife asks her husband,​

"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk,​

and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.​

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."​

(I'm sure you're going back to read it again!)​

 

[moreluck]

IT WASN'T MY FAULT.....

The ingenuity of drivers involved in accidents, in seeking to assert
their innocence, or at least excuse their errors, is apparently
inexhaustible, judging from this genuine selection of excerpts from
insurance claims.

<> I consider that neither vehicle was to blame, but if either were
to blame, it was the other one.

<> I knocked over a man. He admitted it was his fault as he had been
run over before.

<> One wheel went into the ditch, my feet jumped from the brake to
the accelerator pedal, leaped across to the other side, and
jammed into the trunk of a tree.

<> I collided with a stationary tram car coming the other way.

<> To avoid a collision, I ran into the other car.

<> The car had to turn sharper than was necessary, owing to an invisible truck.

<> After the accident, a working gentleman offered to be witness in my favour.

<> I collided with a stationary tree.

<> The other man altered his mind, so I had run over him.

<> I told the other idiot what he was, and went on my way.

<> I can give no details of the accident, as I was somewhat concussed
at the time.

<> A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
<> I blew my horn, but it would not work as it had been stolen.

<> I unfortunately ran over a pedestrian, and the old gentleman was
taken to hospital, much regretting the circumstances.

<> I thought the side window was down, but it was up, as I found when
I put my head through it.

<> A cow wandered into my car. I was afterwards informed that the
cow was half-witted.

<> A bull was standing nearby, and a fly must have tickled him, as he
gored my car.

<> She suddenly saw me, lost her head, and we met.

<> A truck backed through my windscreen into my wife's face.

<> I ran into a shop window, and sustained injuries to my wife.

<> I misjudged a lady crossing the street.

<> Coming home, I drove into the wrong house, and collided with a
tree I haven't got.

<> I left my car unattended for a minute, when by accident or design,
it ran away.

<> The other car collided with mine, without giving any warning of
its intentions.
By Comix

 

[moreluck]

Two Wolves

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about
a battle that goes on inside people.

He said, "My son, the battle is between two wolves
inside us all.

One is evil - It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, self-
pity, regret, greed, arrogance, guilt, resentment, lies,
inferiority, false pride, superiority and ego.

The other is good - It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity,
humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth,
compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his
grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

 

[moreluck]

I had a buddy of mine call up the other day, all upset'cause he slept with his third cousin.

And I'm like, "Man, if it upsets you that much, quit countin' them !"

 

[moreluck]

My brother got eliminated from the spelling bee.
Apparently, there ain't no number eight in the word "pollinate".

I was living with a girl for eight months, until she found
out I was there.

 

[moreluck]

Visit To My Doctor:

When my doctor asked me about what I did yesterday, I
told him about my day:

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded across the edge of the lake, escaped from a mountain lion in the heavy brush, marched up and down a mountain, stood in a
patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and jumped away from an aggressive
rattlesnake."

Inspired by my story, the doctor said, "You must be an awesome outdoors man !"

"No," I replied, "I'm just a crappie golfer."

 

[moreluck]

DESCRIPTION OF A CELL

My friend's husband is a member of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, and she often wondered how his job would affect their children's outlook on life. She had her answer when her son brought his health quiz home from school with all but one question answered correctly.

The question: Name the three main parts of the cell.

His answer: the bars, the keys and the mattress.

 

[moreluck]

My Favorite Animal............

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.

I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

Essence of Being Rich and Not Knowing It.....
Imagine that you had won the following prize in a contest:
Each morning your bank would deposit $86,400.00 in your private account for your use.
However, this prize has rules, just as any game has certain rules.

The first set of rules:
Everything that you didn't spend during each day would be taken away from you. You
may not simply transfer money into some other account. You may only spend it. Each
morning upon awakening, the bank opens your account with another $86,400.00 for
that day.

The second set of rules:
The bank can end the game without warning; at any time it can say, the game is over.
It can close the account and you will not receive a new one.

What would you personally do? You would buy anything and everything you wanted, right?
Not only for yourself, but for all people you love, right? Even for people you don't know,
because you couldn't possibly spend it all on yourself, right? You would try to spend every
cent and use it all, right?

Actually this game is REALITY !

Each of us is in possession of such a magical bank. We just can't seem to see it.

The magical bank is TIME!

Each morning we awaken to receive 86,400 seconds as a gift of life and when we go to sleep
at night, any remaining time is not credited to us.

What we haven't lived up that day is forever lost. Yesterday is forever gone.

Each morning the account is refilled, but the bank can dissolve your account at any time....
without WARNING.

So, what will you do with your 86,400 seconds ?

Those seconds are worth so much more, more than the same amount in dollars. Think about
that and always think of this: Enjoy every second of your life, because time races by
so much quicker than you think.

Take care of yourself, be Happy, Love Deeply and enjoy life!

Wishing you a wonderful and beautiful day. Start spending!

 

[cachsux]

I want to die just like my grandfather did...peacefully, in his sleep. However, as his car drove over the cliff, the other four people riding in it were not so fortunate!

 

[moreluck]

Describe Me Honey

A wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her, then said, "You're A,B,C,
D,E,friend,G,H,I,J,K".

She asks, "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute,
Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot".

She smiled and said, "Oh, that's sweet, but what about I,J,K ?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding."

His eye is still swollen now, but it will get better.