Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Musical Director
A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.
Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

 

[moreluck]

Statement of the Century

Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.

"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking,

How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

President Obama is setting up a "1-800" hotline people can call to ensure they're getting a "fair deal" on a mortgage. Yes, for sound financial advice, your first stop should be someone who can't pay their bills.

Hostess Brands, the maker of Twinkies, is preparing to file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy. No word on if they've put Michael Moore on suicide watch, yet.


DC health officials said the rat population has "exploded" around two Occupy Movement camps in the city. It's true. Everywhere you look, filthy little critters running amok in the streets. And the rats are a problem, too.

According to National Enquirer, John Edwards has proposed to his mistress, Rielle Hunter. He gave three reasons for wanting to marry her: He loves her, she's the mother of his child, and of course, a wife can't testify against her husband.

 

[moreluck]

MY NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION HISTORY ................

2010: Resolved to read 10 books a year.
2011: I will read 5 books this year.
2012: I will manage to finish the comic pages three times a week.

2010: I will get my weight down to under 200.
2011: I will follow my new diet until I get down below 225.
2012: I will drive past a gym at least once a week.

2010: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.
2011: I will pay at least the interest when I can.
2012: I will seriously consider a move to a foreign country.

2010: I will stop smoking this year.
2011: I will cut down to a pack a day this year.
2012: I will learn how to breathe with just one lung.

2010: I will clean up the house weekly.
2011: I will pick stuff up around the house once a month.
2012: I will fumigate the house at least twice this year.

2010: I will read my Bible daily this year.
2011: I will go to church at least once a month.
2012: I will pray on Christmas and Easter.

 

[moreluck]

Gynecologist's Assistant Job Opening

A retired man went into the Job Center in Downtown Conroe, Texas, and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read, "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist.

You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down, and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Billings , Montana ."

"Good grief, is that's where the job is?"

“No Sir. That is where the end of the line is right now.”

 

[moreluck]

Haircut

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut but the barber refused saying, "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you do God's work."

The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you protect the public."

The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you serve the justice system."

The next morning the barber found a dozen more lawyers waiting for a haircut.

 

[moreluck]

TOP SIGNS YOU ARE CHEAP.....................................

1. You attend a weekly coupon club.

2. You've been driving on the spare tire for over three months.

3. Fast food is your idea of fine dining.

4. You spend more time counting change during a single week than you spend at church.

5. You're outraged when the price of a can of soda goes up a nickel.

6. You haven't purchased a name brand product in the past ten years.

7. You take the pennies from the container next to the cash register.

8. Your family gets presents a week after Christmas because you love that fifty-percent discount.

9. Matinee. Every time.

 

[moreluck]

Elk sex

Two rednecks are sitting on the front porch.​

One says, "Did you know that Elks have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"​

​

"Aw crap..," says his friend, "and I just joined the VFW!"​

​

 

[moreluck]

JEFF FOXWORTHY'S COMMENT ABOUT NEBRASKA...........


If you buy a TV that doesn't fit in your car, and the man in the
van just parking next to you, says, "Just put it in the back of my
van, I have to pick up a few things and then I'll drop it off. What
is your address?" And about a half hour later, the van pulls into
the driveway, the man helps you get the large box in the house,
refuses any form of payment, except "Thank You!", drives away and
you still don't even know his name ------- then
you live in Burwell, Nebraska.

 

[moreluck]

HITS FOR THOSE GOLDEN YEARS.........

The Bee Gees: "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip?"

Rolling Stones: "I Can't Get No Circulation"

Bobby Darin: "Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash"

Johnny Nash: "I Can't See Clearly Now"

The Commodores: "Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom"

Marvin Gaye: "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"

Leo Sayer: "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"

Abba: "Denture Queen"

Leslie Gore: "It's My Procedure and I'll Cry If I Want To"

Rolling Stones: "Hey, You! Get Off of My Lawn"

 

[moreluck]

JEFF FOXWORTHY'S COMMENTS ABOUT NEBRASKA.........

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May,
you live in Nebraska.

If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they
don't work there, you live in Nebraska .

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in
Nebraska.

 

[moreluck]

Double Vodkas

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says "Wow!, you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender says "Geez! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?".

"Yeah, my wife..."

 

[moreluck]

Apple does it again.................

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

 

[dilligaf]

Old Fart Football


An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
...
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says,'Touchdown, tie score...'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally craps in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides'.

 

[moreluck]

Mini Cooper vs Rolls-Royce

​

A guy driving a Mini Cooper pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Mini rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my Mini!"

The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes, I have a phone."

The driver of the Mini says, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I've got a fridge in the back seat of my Mini!"
The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator."

The driver of the Mini says, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Mini!"

The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"

The driver of the Mini says, "Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Mini!"

Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car. The bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce.

So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Mini, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Mini parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Mini. When there wasn't any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet.

"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.
The driver of the Mini looked at him and said, "You got me out of the shower for THAT?!"

 

[menotyou]

Mini Cooper vs Rolls-Royce

​

A guy driving a Mini Cooper pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Mini rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my Mini!"

The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes, I have a phone."

The driver of the Mini says, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I've got a fridge in the back seat of my Mini!"
The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator."

The driver of the Mini says, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Mini!"

The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"

The driver of the Mini says, "Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Mini!"

Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car. The bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce.

So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Mini, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Mini parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Mini. When there wasn't any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet.

"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.
The driver of the Mini looked at him and said, "You got me out of the shower for THAT?!"

 

[moreluck]

Jewish Wisdom...........

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."

"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a wall."

 

[moreluck]

The Optimist and Pessimist Duck Hunters

​

An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive.

For example, as a duck hunter, I was in the market for a new bird dog a few years ago. My search finally ended when I found a dog that could not only retrieve, but could actually walk on water! Shocked by my find, I was both skeptical that the dog would be able to keep this up after I purchased it (you know, maybe the salesman was somehow playing a cruel trick on me), and also that any of my friends would ever believe me.

I decided to try to break the news to one friend at a time starting with a long-time buddy who was also a hunter. He was a pessimist by nature, but invited him to hunt with me and my new dog.

As we waited, carefully concealed by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. We fired, and ducks fell at a distance. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the birds, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long--each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

My pessimist buddy watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word about it the entire day.
On the drive home the silence was suddenly broken when my friend said, "Too bad about your dog."
A little surprised at his statement, I asked, "What do you mean?"

"I mean," drawled the pessimist slowly, "it's too bad ya got stuck with one that can't swim."

 

[Dillacow]

Moo