Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2
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moreluck
golden ticket member
You might be a redneck if . . . . . . .
* You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
* Jack Daniels makes your list of 'most admired people'.
*Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
* You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient in soup.
* Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
* You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
* You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
* Jack Daniels makes your list of 'most admired people'.
*Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
* You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient in soup.
* Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
* You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
moreluck
golden ticket member
JEFF FOXWORTHY'S COMMENTS ABOUT NEBRASKA...............
If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who
dialed a wrong number, you live in Nebraska.
If "Vacation" means going anywhere south of GRAND ISLAND for the
weekend, you live in Nebraska.
If you measure distance in squares of farm land, you live in
Nebraska.
If you know several people who have hit a cow more than once, you
live in Nebraska.
If you have gone from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back
again, you live in Nebraska.
If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging
blizzard without flinching, you live in Nebraska.
If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave
both unlocked, you live in Nebraska.
If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who
dialed a wrong number, you live in Nebraska.
If "Vacation" means going anywhere south of GRAND ISLAND for the
weekend, you live in Nebraska.
If you measure distance in squares of farm land, you live in
Nebraska.
If you know several people who have hit a cow more than once, you
live in Nebraska.
If you have gone from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back
again, you live in Nebraska.
If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging
blizzard without flinching, you live in Nebraska.
If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave
both unlocked, you live in Nebraska.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Young Psychiatrists......
The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotions. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.
And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.
"Elation," said she.
"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "how about the opposite of woe?"
The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."
The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotions. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.
And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.
"Elation," said she.
"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "how about the opposite of woe?"
The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."
moreluck
golden ticket member
JEFF FOXWORTHY'S COMMENTS ABOUT NEBRASKA
If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use
them, you live in Nebraska.
If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit,
you live in Nebraska.
If the I-80 speed limit is 75 mph -- you're going 90 and everybody
is passing you, you live in Nebraska..
If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled
with snow, you live in Nebraska.
If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and
road construction, you live in Nebraska.
If you have more hours on your snow blower than miles on your car,
you live in Nebraska.
If you find 10 degrees "a little chilly", you live in Nebraska.
If you understand these jokes, and forward them to all your
Nebraska friends & others, you actually
have lived in Nebraska.
If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use
them, you live in Nebraska.
If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit,
you live in Nebraska.
If the I-80 speed limit is 75 mph -- you're going 90 and everybody
is passing you, you live in Nebraska..
If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled
with snow, you live in Nebraska.
If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and
road construction, you live in Nebraska.
If you have more hours on your snow blower than miles on your car,
you live in Nebraska.
If you find 10 degrees "a little chilly", you live in Nebraska.
If you understand these jokes, and forward them to all your
Nebraska friends & others, you actually
have lived in Nebraska.
moreluck
golden ticket member
The Aliens
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station.
They approached one of the gas pumps and one of the aliens addressed it.
"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pumps of course didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. Again there was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pumps haughty attitude, drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader or I'll fire!"
The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you don't want to make him mad!"
But before he finished his warning the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap rather abruptly. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"
The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy, when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, you don't mess with him."
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station.
They approached one of the gas pumps and one of the aliens addressed it.
"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pumps of course didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. Again there was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pumps haughty attitude, drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader or I'll fire!"
The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you don't want to make him mad!"
But before he finished his warning the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap rather abruptly. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"
The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy, when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, you don't mess with him."
moreluck
golden ticket member
Oh MY God
An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini - "I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed.
"Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied.
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he says.
"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he stated.
"NO! Get away from me!"
"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he offered.
She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and says, "I said NO!"
"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he exclaimed.
She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough... and $500 IS a lot of money... "Well, OK... but only for a minute."
She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he started saying, "OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD..." while he was caressing them.
Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god, oh my god'?"
While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?"
An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini - "I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed.
"Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied.
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he says.
"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he stated.
"NO! Get away from me!"
"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he offered.
She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and says, "I said NO!"
"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he exclaimed.
She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough... and $500 IS a lot of money... "Well, OK... but only for a minute."
She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he started saying, "OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD..." while he was caressing them.
Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god, oh my god'?"
While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?"
moreluck
golden ticket member
A little old guy is walking around in a supermarket calling out, Crisco,Crissssssscoooo!'
Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, 'Sir, the Crisco is in aisle 3.'
The old guy replies, 'Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my wife. She's in here somewhere'
The clerk is astonished.
'Your wife's name is Crisco?'
The old guy answers, 'Oh no, no, no. I only call her that when we're out in public'
'I see,' said the clerk.
'What do you call her at home?'
'Lard ass.'
Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, 'Sir, the Crisco is in aisle 3.'
The old guy replies, 'Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my wife. She's in here somewhere'
The clerk is astonished.
'Your wife's name is Crisco?'
The old guy answers, 'Oh no, no, no. I only call her that when we're out in public'
'I see,' said the clerk.
'What do you call her at home?'
'Lard ass.'
moreluck
golden ticket member
Jesse James ..................
On one occasion Jesse James and his gang sought food and rest at a lonely farmhouse. The woman there gave them what food she could and apologized for the poor hospitality. A widow and deeply in debt, she was even then waiting for the debt collector to visit her to demand $1,400, which she could not possibly afford to pay.
Jesse James had the spoils of one of his bank raids with him. He gave the astonished woman enough money to pay off her debt, telling her to be sure to get a receipt from the debt collector. Then he and his gang withdrew to watch the road leading to the farmhouse.
Along came the debt collector, looking very grim. A short while later he emerged from the farm, looking altogether more pleased with himself. Jesse James and his men stopped him, recovered their $1,400, and rode off.
On one occasion Jesse James and his gang sought food and rest at a lonely farmhouse. The woman there gave them what food she could and apologized for the poor hospitality. A widow and deeply in debt, she was even then waiting for the debt collector to visit her to demand $1,400, which she could not possibly afford to pay.
Jesse James had the spoils of one of his bank raids with him. He gave the astonished woman enough money to pay off her debt, telling her to be sure to get a receipt from the debt collector. Then he and his gang withdrew to watch the road leading to the farmhouse.
Along came the debt collector, looking very grim. A short while later he emerged from the farm, looking altogether more pleased with himself. Jesse James and his men stopped him, recovered their $1,400, and rode off.
moreluck
golden ticket member
"LAWS OF PARENTHOOD"
There is the Law of Gravity - And then, there is the Law of Parenthood. A child's behavior will improve in proportion to the distance she is away from the parent.
Two is equal to two, except when referring to time. Two minutes of tantrum lasts 20 times as long as two minutes of quiet time.
The choice of a preschooler's best friend corresponds directly to the distance the friend lives from your house.
A child's enjoyment of a popular entertainment will be inversely proportionate to the parent's enjoyment.
The chance of a surprise visit by your parents-in-law is directly proportional to the size of the mess in your home.
A child will always eat exactly what she has loved for the past year unless it is the only food in the fridge.
The ease with which a toddler acquires the ability to say a word increases with its likelihood to embarrass a sailor.
There is the Law of Gravity - And then, there is the Law of Parenthood. A child's behavior will improve in proportion to the distance she is away from the parent.
Two is equal to two, except when referring to time. Two minutes of tantrum lasts 20 times as long as two minutes of quiet time.
The choice of a preschooler's best friend corresponds directly to the distance the friend lives from your house.
A child's enjoyment of a popular entertainment will be inversely proportionate to the parent's enjoyment.
The chance of a surprise visit by your parents-in-law is directly proportional to the size of the mess in your home.
A child will always eat exactly what she has loved for the past year unless it is the only food in the fridge.
The ease with which a toddler acquires the ability to say a word increases with its likelihood to embarrass a sailor.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Shampoo Warning............. Please share with all your friends.
I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!!!!! I use shampoo in the shower! When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and Printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning,"FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY.
"No wonder I have been gaining weight!!! Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using Dawn dish soap instead.
Its label reads "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE. "Problem solved! If I don't answer the phone I'll be in the shower!
I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!!!!! I use shampoo in the shower! When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and Printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning,"FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY.
"No wonder I have been gaining weight!!! Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using Dawn dish soap instead.
Its label reads "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE. "Problem solved! If I don't answer the phone I'll be in the shower!
moreluck
golden ticket member
Alabama
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke o' some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry layin' out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one's gonna steal Henry!"
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke o' some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry layin' out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one's gonna steal Henry!"
moreluck
golden ticket member
To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana.
2. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face. 3. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
4. Sing Along At The Opera
5. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
6. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot,Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
7. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy,We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
8. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY,
GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING
ROOM IS.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Daddy is a gay dancer.......
Hope this gives you a laugh or at least a chuckle.
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers
did for a living.
All the typical answers came up - fireman, mechanic, businessman,
salesman... and so forth..
However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when
the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an
exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes to music in
front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the
offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all
night for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the
other children to work on some exercises and took little Justin aside to ask
him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and
helped to get Obama elected, but it's too embarrassing to say that in front
of the other kids."
Hope this gives you a laugh or at least a chuckle.
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers
did for a living.
All the typical answers came up - fireman, mechanic, businessman,
salesman... and so forth..
However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when
the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an
exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes to music in
front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the
offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all
night for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the
other children to work on some exercises and took little Justin aside to ask
him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and
helped to get Obama elected, but it's too embarrassing to say that in front
of the other kids."
moreluck
golden ticket member
Mom's Favorite Sayings................
1. What part of no don't you understand?
2. I don't care who started it.
3. Wait until your father gets home.
4. Your face is going to freeze like that.
5. Your hands are not broken.
6. No one said life is fair.
7. Beds are made for sleeping, not jumping.
8. Eat your vegetables.
9. "I don't know" is not an answer.
10. Because I said so, that's why.
1. What part of no don't you understand?
2. I don't care who started it.
3. Wait until your father gets home.
4. Your face is going to freeze like that.
5. Your hands are not broken.
6. No one said life is fair.
7. Beds are made for sleeping, not jumping.
8. Eat your vegetables.
9. "I don't know" is not an answer.
10. Because I said so, that's why.
moreluck
golden ticket member
A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.
She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather
the building materials for his home.
She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow
full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that
straw to build my house?'
The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think
the man said?'
One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly...
'I think the man would have said - 'I'll be a son of a bitch!! A talking pig!'
The teacher had to leave the room.
She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather
the building materials for his home.
She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow
full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that
straw to build my house?'
The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think
the man said?'
One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly...
'I think the man would have said - 'I'll be a son of a bitch!! A talking pig!'
The teacher had to leave the room.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Drunk Test
Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon
Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate
Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...
a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
friend) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
I) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.
Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon
Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate
Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...
a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
friend) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
I) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.
moreluck
golden ticket member
The Pilot and the Priest.........
A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven ? '
The guy replies, 'I'm Jack, retired airline pilot from Houston.'
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, 'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.' The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, 'I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years.'
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, 'Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.
'Just a minute,' says the good father. 'That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?
'Up here - we go by results,' says Saint Peter. 'When you preached - people slept. When he flew, people prayed.'
A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven ? '
The guy replies, 'I'm Jack, retired airline pilot from Houston.'
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, 'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.' The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, 'I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years.'
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, 'Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.
'Just a minute,' says the good father. 'That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?
'Up here - we go by results,' says Saint Peter. 'When you preached - people slept. When he flew, people prayed.'
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