Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

moreluck

golden ticket member
The Pasta Diet and Your Health

ITALIAN PASTA DIET -- IT REALLY WORKS !!

1.. You walk pasta da bakery.

2.. You walka pasta da candy store.

3.. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.

4.. You walka pasta da table and fridge.


You will lose weight!


AND....


CONCERNED ABOUT TOO MANY CARBS IN YOUR DIET?

For those of you who watch what you eat,
here's the final word on nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the truth
after all those conflicting
nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.


CONCLUSION


Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
The Right Answer
One evening a man was very impressed with the meat entree his wife had served. "What did you marinate this in?" he asked.
His wife immediately went into a long explanation about how much she loves him and how life wouldn't be the same without him, etc.
Eventually, his puzzled expression made her interrupt her answer with a question of her own, "What did you ask me?"
She chuckled at his answer and explained, "I thought you asked me if I would marry you again!"
As she left the room, he called out, "Well, would you marry me again?"
Without hesitation, she replied, "Vinegar and barbecue sauce."

 

moreluck

golden ticket member
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was
concerned that her daughter was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the
family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any
attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then
told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and
until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother
told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to
hug her mother, saying,

'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
THE MUSLIMS ARE NOT HAPPY......................

They're not happy in Gaza .
They're not happy in Egypt .
They're not happy in Libya .
They're not happy in Morocco .
They're not happy in Iran .
They're not happy in Iraq .
They're not happy in Yemen .
They're not happy in Afghanistan ..
They're not happy in Pakistan .
They're not happy in Syria .
They're not happy in Lebanon ..

So, where are they happy?

They're happy in Australia .
They're happy in England .
They're happy in France .
They're happy in Italy .
They're happy in Germany .
They're happy in Sweden .
They're happy in the USA ..
They're happy in Canada ..
They're happy in Norway .
They're happy in every country that is not Muslim.

And who do they blame?

Not Islam.
Not their leadership.
Not themselves.
THEY BLAME THE COUNTRIES THEY ARE HAPPY IN!
AND THEY WANT TO CHANGE THEM TO BE LIKE THE COUNTRY THEY CAME FROM WHERE THEY WERE UNHAPPY.

Excuse me, but
How dumb can you get ?


 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Boat Names..................

A boating magazine ran a contest for clever boat names. The following names reeled in the honors:

Brace Yourself (owned by an orthodontist)

Sir Osis of the River

Aqua Seltzer

Out to Launch

Watertight Alibi (owned by a lawyer)

Meals on Reels

The Merri Yot

and, from a landscape contractor, Yard Buoy
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Splinters...

A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat and an anti-hunter purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat and an anti-hunter, and how she came to get all the splinters.

The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but due to Obama-Care they turned you down!"
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
From Bill Cosby...........

* Every father says the same thing; "Where's your mother?"

* I am not the boss of my house. I don't know when I lost it. I don't know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss's job and I don't want it !

* Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home.

*Like anyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.

* My father confused me. From the ages of 1 to 7, I thought my name was Jesus Christ!

* Parents are not interested in justice. They want quiet.
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
In a speech on Wall Street the other day, President Obama compared himself to Gandhi. Well, that makes sense. He's created a lot of jobs in India.
In a recent interview, President Obama said when he plays golf, he doesn't want or expect people to give him a pass on any shots. He just hopes people will give him a mulligan in November.
-- Leno

As of tomorrow, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, and Rick Santorum all get Secret Service protection. Meanwhile, Ron Paul will get a can of mace.
-- Letterman

Romney spent five and a half million bucks on TV advertising in the Super Tuesday states. Meanwhile, Ron Paul put a sticker on a light pole.
– Craig Ferguson
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Riding With An Indian

A young woman from New York City was driving through a remote part of Oklahoma when her car broke down.

An Indian came riding by on horseback and offered to give her a lift to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride into town was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a loud whoop that echoed back from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in Bartlesville, he let her off at the local Phillips 66 service station, yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.
"Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback."
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Nebraska perspective.................


The year is 2016 and the United States has just elected the first woman, a
University of Nebraska

graduate, as President of the United States, Susan Cornhusker.

A few days after the election, the president-elect calls her father and
says, 'So, Dad, I assume you

will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a 30 hour drive, your mother isn't as young as she
used to be, and my arthritis is
acting up again.'

'Don't worry about it Dad, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take
you home. And a limousine

will pick you up at your door.'



'I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?'

Oh Dad, replies Susan, 'I'll make sure she has a wonderful gown
custom-made by the best designer in

New York .'

'Honey,' Dad complains, 'you know I can't eat those rich foods you and
your friends like to eat.'


The President-to-be responds, 'Don't worry Dad. The entire affair is going
to be handled by the best

caterer in New York, I'll ensure your meals are salt free Dad, I really
want you to come.'

So Dad reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2017, Susan Cornhusker is
being sworn In as President of the United States. In the front row sits
the new president's Dad and Mom. Dad noticing the senator sitting next to
him. Leans over and whispers, 'You see that woman over there with her hand
on the Bible, becoming President of the United States?’

The Senator whispers back, 'Yes I do.'

Dad says proudly, 'Her brother played football at Nebraska.'
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Top Things Overheard In A Tax Preparer's Office Prior To The Tax Filing Deadline:

1.No sir, the government does not want you to pay your taxes in pennies.

2. I have a hard time believing that a garbage collector made $150,000 last year so for the last time, DID YOU HAVE ANY OTHER SOURCE OF INCOME!!!

3. How cute... a tax form done in crayon.

4. No sir, it's do your taxes every year and renew your driver's license every 4 years, not the other way around.

5. Just because you talk to your plants ma'am, you cannot, repeat CANNOT list them as your dependants.

6. I'm sorry, I'm not sure I follow your "Give me an extension and I'll give you an extension later at my place" argument.
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
317bqra.jpg
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Insults with Class .........

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - (Clarence Darrow)

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." - Jack E. Leonard

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." - Robert Redford

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
An Arab enters a taxi cab in Dallas, Texas. Once he is seated he asks the cab driver to turn off the radio because



he must not hear music as decreed by his religion and, in the time of the prophet, there was no music -- especially Western music, which is music of the infidel's and certainly no radio.










So the cab driver politely switches off the radio, pulls over to the side of the street and stops the cab then opens the back door.

The Arab asks him: “What are you doing man?”


The Texan answers: “In the time of the prophet there were no taxis.



So get your ass out and wait for a camel.”


You gotta love Texas



 

moreluck

golden ticket member
You don't have to be an engineer to appreciate this story.


A toothpaste factory had a problem: they sometimes shipped empty boxes, without the tube inside.



This was due to the way the production line was set up, and people with experience in designing production lines will tell you how difficult it is to have everything happen with timings so precise that every single unit coming out of it is perfect 100% of the time.



Small variations in the environment (which can't be controlled in a cost-effective fashion) mean you must have quality assurance checks smartly distributed across the line so that customers all the way down to the supermarket don't get pissed off and buy another product instead.



Understanding how important that was, the CEO of the toothpaste factory got the top people in the company together and they decided to start a new project, in which they would hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem, as their engineering department was already too stretched to take on any extra effort.



The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, third-parties selected, and six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution on time, on budget, high quality and everyone in the project had a great time. They solved the problem by using high-tech precision scales that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box would weigh less than it should. The line would stop, and someone had to walk over and yank the defective box out of it, pressing another button when done to re-start the line.



A while later, the CEO decides to have a look at the ROI of the project: amazing results!


No empty boxes ever shipped out of the factory after the scales were put in place.



Very few customer complaints, and they were gaining market share.


That's some money well spent! He says, before looking closely at the other statistics in the report.



It turns out, the number of defects picked up by the scales was 0 after three weeks of production use.


It should've been picking up at least a dozen a day, so maybe there was something wrong with the report.



He filed a bug against it, and after some investigation, the engineers come back saying the report was actually correct.


The scales really weren't picking up any defects, because all boxes that got to that point in the conveyor belt were good.



Puzzled, the CEO travels down to the factory, and walks up to the part of the line where the precision scales were installed.


A few feet before the scale, there was a $20 desk fan, blowing the empty boxes off of the belt and into a bin.



Oh, that, says one of the workers, one of the guys put it there because he was tired of walking over every time the bell rang.
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
LENT...........

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.

But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic. And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic.

After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, 'You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic.

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted:

You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish.
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
A man went to church one day and afterward
he stopped to shake the preacher's hand.
He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a
damned fine sermon. Damned good!'

The preacher said,
'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'

The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five
thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

The preacher said, 'No :censored2:?'
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl
whispered to her mother,
'Why is the bride dressed in white?''
The mother replied, 'Because white is the color
of happiness,
and today is the happiest day of her life.'
The child thought about this for a moment then said,
'So why is the groom wearing black?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
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