Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from
Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.

She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him.

Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked
if she had anything to say in her defense.

'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92,
if he could screw, he could fly.'

 

[moreluck]

Designated Drunk

One night at a local bar frequented by a bunch of deer hunters who were waiting for the opening day of deer season, the local sheriff scoped out the joint for possible drunk drivers.

As he waited, eventually a patron stumbled out of the bar, fumbled for his keys, tried them in three different cars until he finally found his, got inside and rested his head on the steering wheel. The deputy knew he had his drunk driver, so now all he had to do was wait for him to start his engine and pull out of the lot.

A few hours passed by and most of the other deer hunters had left by then, when the patron abruptly lifted his head, cranked the car up and drove out of the lot like a bat out of hell.

The deputy followed him and stopped him promptly. He administered the breath-o-lizer test and it read 0.00.

Confused, the deputy asked the driver what the hell was going on. The driver looked at him innocently and said, "Well, tonight I'm the designated decoy."

 

[moreluck]

Q: What does Michael Jackson like about twenty six year olds ?

A: That there's 20 of them.

 

[moreluck]

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running
> as fast as she could,
> trying not to be late for Bible class.
> As she ran she prayed,
> 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord,
> please don't let me be late!'
> While she was running and praying, she tripped
> on a curb and fell,
> getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress.
> She got up, brushed herself off, and started running
> again!
> As she ran she once again began to pray,
> 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please
> don't shove me either!'
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about
their fathers.
The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words
on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem,
they give him $50.'
The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad
scribbles a few words on piece of paper,
he calls it a song, they give him $100.'
The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad
scribbles a few words on a piece of paper,
he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to
collect all the money!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

[moreluck]

An elderly woman died last month.
Having never married, she requested no male
pallbearers.
In her handwritten instructions for her memorial
service, she wrote,
'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive,
I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A police recruit was asked during the exam,
'What would you do if you had to arrest your own
mother?'
He answered, 'Call for backup.'

 

[moreluck]

Negative People
Something to think about!


This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to
rain on your parade.. So remember this story the next time someone who
knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.
You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"


"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes
are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.

So, where are you staying in Rome?

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber river called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be
something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."


"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other
people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.


Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser
asked her about her trip to Rome

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we
on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked,
and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful,
and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot..

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling
job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too were
overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no
extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good,
but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."


"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a
Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope
likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into
his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and
shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.."


"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"



He said: "Who ******ed up your hair?"

 

[moreluck]

Alabama Survivor.............

With the overwhelming response to the CBS hit "Survivor", Alabamans have made their own version.

Contestants are given pink car to drive from Dothan, to Birmingham, on to Decatur, and back to Dothan. On each car is a bumper sticker that says, "I'm gay, I'm a Yankee, and I'm here to steal your guns!" First one back wins.

 

[moreluck]

No arms
One hot day on a beautiful beach, a good looking male is going for his usual jog along the shore. But, on this day he stops and notices something new in his travels .

A woman, is crying her eyes out. And he could understand why, the poor lady had no arms and legs , and was sitting in a lawn chair. He feels bad for her and stops his jog to see what could possibly be wrong with her and if he could help. He asks , " Are you alright? I saw you crying and I couldn't help but stop and ask you if your okay and if I could help."

She says , "Well, Seeing as how I have no arms or legs, everyone is afraid of me, and I've never been hugged before, so Can you hug me?" He says , "Sure, why not." SO the handsome stud hugs her. She stops crying, and he bids her goodbye and continues his run.

The next day he goes for his run again. Yet once again, he see's the same woman with no arms and no legs sobbing to no end. Out of pity he stops his run and goes up to her . HE says , "Ma'am I couldn't help but notice you were crying again, is there anything I can do to help you?" She says , "Well,seeing as how I have no arm's and legs, everyone is afraid of me, so If you wouldn't mind , could you kiss me, I've never been kissed before." He says , "Sure, why not?" as soon as he kisses her,he bids her goodbye and moves on with his run.

The next day he goes for his run as usual, and notices the same lady with no arms and no legs, lying in her lawn chair crying again. Now he's starting to get really aggravated, and frankly he's not in the mood to deal with any of the hassle today. But, out of pity he stops his run and goes up to her yet once again and says , " What's wrong? I'm really willing to help you out, if you would just stop crying, so tell me."

So she says , " well, seeing as how I have no arms and legs, everyone is afraid of me, and I've always wanted to get screwed, so will you screw me?" an expression crossed his face that no words could describe, so she wipes the tears of her face , he picks her up and throws her in the water , " Now your screwed."

 

[moreluck]

~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why
Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem..
A small child replied, 'They couldn't get a baby-sitter.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'Honor thy
father and thy mother,' she asked,
'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to
treat our brothers and sisters?'
Without missing a beat, one little boy answered,
'Thou shall not kill..'

 

[moreluck]

A patrolman and his canine partner detected a door ajar in an alley. When given the command to enter and seek, the dog headed for the open entrance but took only a few steps and stopped short. The cop then noticed the door sign that said, "Veterinarian's Office."

 

[moreluck]

At Sunday School they were teaching how God
created everything, including human beings.

Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they
told him
how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying
down as though he were ill,
and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?' Little
Johnny responded,

'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have
a wife.'

 

[moreluck]

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'





She calls on little Ralphy.


He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'


The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking..'

​

​

​

​

Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.​

The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.


The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.​

Which one is married?


The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'


To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'​

​

​

 

[moreluck]

Only in America.....

20 Only In America Ironies - John Hawkins - Townhall Conservative Columnists - Page 1

 

[moreluck]

A Knock on the Door


An old man goes to answer a knock at the door one evening.... To find two
sheriff deputy's standing there.

"Sir, are you married?" One deputy asked. "Why yes," the old man replied"
for 48 years."

"Do you have a photograph of your wife sir?" the second deputy questioned.

The old man pulled a picture out of his wallet and handed it to the officers.
They looked it over and handed it back to him.

"Sir, I'm sorry but it looks like your wife has been hit by a truck."

The old man says, "I know sir, but she's got a wonderful personality and
she's a great cook."

 

[moreluck]

The directors decided to award an annual prize of $1000.00 for the best idea of saving the company money. It was won by a young executive who suggested that in future the prize money be reduced to $500.00.

 

[moreluck]

Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland.
As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through
the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.

She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
'These,' she explained, 'are the older goats put out to pasture
when they no longer produce.'

She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'
A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!'

 

[moreluck]

~ A Word Well Used...



To all you Lexiphiles ... (those who love playing on words)

* To write with a broken pencil is pointless. *

* When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate. *

* A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months. *

* When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U.C.L.A. *

* The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on
shaky ground. *

* The batteries were given out free of charge. *

* A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail. *

* A will is a dead giveaway. *

* If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed. *

* With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. *

* Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat
miner. *

* You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. *

* Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under. *

* A boiled egg is hard to beat. *

* When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall. *

* Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was
resisting a rest. *

* Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off?
He's all right now. *

* If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory. *

* A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired. *

* In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your
count that votes. *

* When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. *

* The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered. *

* He had a photographic memory which was never developed. *

* Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the
end. *

* When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd
dye. *

 

[old levi's]

A duck, a priest, and a UPS driver walk into a bar.............

Someone clever finish this.

 

[moreluck]

A duck, a priest, and a UPS driver walk into a bar.............

Someone clever finish this.

You'd think one of them would've seen it !

 

[moreluck]

Pick up lines.....

You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

You must be from Pearl Harbor, cause baby you're the bomb.

You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.

You must be jelly, cause jam don't shake like that.

You've got the whitest teeth I've ever come across.

Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.

Your daddy must have been a baker, because you've got a nice set of buns.

Your underwear must be made out of Windex, because I can see myself in them tonight.