Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

You Tell On Yourself...........

You tell on yourself by the friends you seek,

By the very manner in which you speak,

By the way you employ your leisure time,

By the use you make of dollar and dime.

You tell what you are by the things you wear,

And even by the way you wear your hair,

By the kind of things at which you laugh,

By the records you play on your phonograph.

You tell what you are by the way you walk,

By the things of which you delight to talk,

By the manner in which you bury deceit,

By so simple a thing as how you eat.

By the books you choose from the well-filled shelf.

In these ways and more you tell on yourself.

 

[moreluck]

Sniffer Dog

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador retriever between them.

The first man asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a sniffing dog.

"His name is Sniffer, and he's the best there is," he said. "I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work."

The plane took off, and once it had leveled out, the agent said, "Watch this." He told Sniffer to "search."

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm. The agent said, "Good boy." He turned to the other man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number. The authorities will apprehend her when we land."

"Say, that's pretty neat," replied the first man. Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to his seat and placed two paws on the agent's arm. The agent said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."

The agent then told Sniffer to search again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent. He jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place.

The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn't figure out why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asked the agent, "What's going on?"
The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"

 

[moreluck]

Jeff Foxworthy on Muslims:

IF-

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.
You may be a Muslim

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
You may be a Muslim

3. You have more wives than teeth.
You may be a Muslim

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean.
You may be a Muslim

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
You may be a Muslim

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
You may be a Muslim

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
You may be a Muslim

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
You may be a Muslim

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.
You may be a Muslim

10. Your cousin is president of the United States .
You may be a Muslim

11. You find this offensive or racist and don't forward it.
You may be a Muslim

You Have a Nice Day Now...You Hear?​

 

[moreluck]

Headaches

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.
"The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure..."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a half neck" Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure..."

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2... E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure..."

The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see... 7-5/8." Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure..." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

 

[moreluck]

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember ...

The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.

 

[moreluck]

Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
A: Because she got an friend in sex.

Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Hump-me Dump-me.

Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: Because everybody gets a turn.

Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
A: Because she's been laid all over the country.

Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?
A: She picks up her purse and goes home.

 

[texan]

 

[moreluck]

A Lawyers Reward​

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."
The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic."
St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "about 1,500."
"That's right! You may enter."
St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

 

[moreluck]

Winters never had any written material....... This was a Sinatra roast and who I saw on the dais was....Ernie Borgnine,Gene Kelley (?), Dom DeLouise, Ronald Reagan, Jimmy Stewart, Milton Berle, Flip Wilson, Don Rickles, Dean Martin and George Burns. What a line up!

Jonathan Winters on Dean Martin Roasts: Frank Sinatra (1978) - YouTube

 

[moreluck]

President Obama: "Dog Eater," the Music Video - YouTube#!

 

[moreluck]

TWO OF THE YEAR'S BEST COMEBACK RESPONSES

Number 1:



If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility .....

Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'

A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

Q: 'Officer, who provided this description?'

A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'

A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'

A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'

A: 'Yes, sir, I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'

A: 'Yes, sir.'

Q: 'Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'

A: 'You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.


Number 2:

Now We Know Why He Was a General -----


In an recent interview, General Norman Schwarzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harbored and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America.

His answer was classic Schwarzkopf.

The General said, "I believe that forgiving them is God's function... OUR job is to arrange the meeting."

 

[moreluck]

This IS what will happen when we are forced to work after

age 70.

Epic Old Man - Senile Cashier - YouTube

 

[moreluck]

Question and Answer Time..........

President Obama goes to a primary school to talk to the kids. After his talk, he offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand, and Obama asks him his name.

"Walter," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Walter?"

"I have four questions:

"First, Why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?

"Second, Why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's
actually gotten worse?

"Third, Why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor,
then said that you knew nothing about his preaching and beliefs?

"Fourth, Why are we lending $ to Brazil to drill for oil, but
America is not allowed to drill for oil?"

Just then, the bell rings for recess. Obama informs the kiddies that
they will continue after recess.

When they resume Obama says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right: question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him his name.

"Steve," he responds.

"And what is your question, Steve?"

Actually, I have two questions.

"First, Why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early?

"Second, What the hell happened to Walter?"

 

[moreluck]

At the Last Supper, how come no one sat at the other side of the table?

 

[moreluck]

The Top Ten Ways the Bible Would Have Been Different If Written by College Students:

10).Loaves and Fishes replaced by Pizza and Chips

9).Ten Commandments are actually only five, but because they are double-spaced and written in a large font, they look like ten.

8).Forbidden fruit would have been eaten only because it wasn't dining hall food.

7).Paul's Letters to the Romans become Paul's E-Mail to the Romans.

6).Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.

5).The place where the end of the world occurs.... not the Plains of Armageddon, but Finals.

4).Book of Armaments would be in there somewhere.

3).Reason why Moses and followers wandered in desert for 40 years: They didn't want to ask directions and look like a Freshman.

2).Tower of Babel blamed for Foreign Language requirement.

1).Instead of creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, God would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter and hoped no one noticed.

 

[moreluck]

Road To Success

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said.

No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said. "Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on."

On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success," she uttered. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went.

On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Screw me here and now or climb the ladder to success," she flirted. Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.

"Who are you?" the man asked.

"Hello" said the ugly fat man, "I'm Cess!"

 

[moreluck]

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."

--Bob Ettinger--

 

[moreluck]

YOU KNOW YOU ARE ADDICTED TO COFFEE IF...

You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

You sleep with your eyes open.

You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.

You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

You chew on other people's fingernails.

The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.

You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.

You can jump-start your car without cables.

You don't sweat, you percolate.

You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.

You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

People get dizzy just watching you.

Instant coffee takes too long.

You channel surf faster without a remote.

You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

You short out motion detectors.

You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

You help your dog chase its tail.

You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

You ski uphill.

You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

You answer the door before people knock.

You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

 

[moreluck]

My Inconclusive travel plans for 2012

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.​

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear that no one recognizes you there.​

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.​

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.​

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go and I try not to visit there too often.​

I have been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm!​

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older...​

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get.​

I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing!​

​

PLEASE DO YOUR PART!​

Today is one of the many National Mental Health Days throughout the year. You can do your bit by remembering to send an e-mail to at least one unstable person. My job is done!
Life is too short for negative drama and petty things. So laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly.
From one unstable person to another...I hope everyone is happy in your head- we're all doing pretty good in mine.​

 

[moreluck]

"Advice To Dumb Criminals" (based on what other dumb criminals have done)...........


If you plan to commit a crime and run from the police on foot... *Do* pick a more subtle color to wear than bright yellow pants.

When you go on a burglary spree *Do* ensure you have enough gas in your vehicle to drive away from your crime scene.

If you are going to steal a car *Do* pick one that will blend in traffic better than a pearl white six door limo.

*Don't* repeat the question that the officer just asked. It's considered a stall technique and it gives away the fact you are getting ready to lie through your teeth.

*Do* pick an alias you can spell before you lie to the police about your name.

*Do* come up with something better to say than, "These aren't my pants" when the officer finds dope or any other contraband in your pocket.

If you are going to jump into a stranger's fenced back yard *Do* make sure a police K-9 vehicle is not parked in the driveway.

If you leave your pants, car, and ID at a crime scene, the cops *Will* probably be able to figure out who dunnit.