Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Highly Illogical ​

Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
Bubba goes in first, and the professor advises him to take math, history and logic.
"What's logic?" asked Bubba.
The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed-whacker?"
"I sure do," answered the redneck.
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good," the redneck responded in awe.
The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house."
Impressed, the redneck shouted, "AMAZIN'!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"Betty Mae! This is incredible!"
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why, that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard of! I cain't wait to take this here logic class."
Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Cooter is still waiting.
"So, what classes are ya takin?" he asks.
"Math, history and logic," replies Bubba.
Cooter says, "What in tarnation is logic?"
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?"
"No."
"You're a queer, ain't ya?"

 

[moreluck]

As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, and I rapidly realized that I don't really give a rat's-ass. It's the tortoise life for me!

1. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, only drinks water, and is fat.
3. A rabbit only eats vegetables, runs and hops all day long, and only lives 5 years.
4. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing energetic, yet it lives for 450 years.

And you tell me to exercise! I don't think so.

I'm retired. Go around me.

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

This was written by a black man inTexas. What a great sense of humour...






When U Black, U Black

When I was born, I was BLACK,
When I grew up, I was BLACK,
When I went in the sun, I stayed BLACK,
When I got cold, I was BLACK,
When I was scared, I was BLACK,
When I was sick, I was BLACK,
And when I die, I'll still be BLACK.

NOW, You 'white' folks......

When you're born, you're PINK,
When you grow-up, you're WHITE,
When you go in the sun, you get RED,
When you're cold, you turn BLUE,
When you're scared, you're YELLOW,
When you get sick, you're GREEN
When you bruise, you turn PURPLE,
And when you die, you look GREY.
So why y'all be callin' us
COLORED Folks?

 

[moreluck]

As I've aged, I've become kinder to myself, and less critical of myself. I've
become my own friend.

I have seen too many dear friends leave this world, too soon; before they
understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it, if I choose to read, or play, on the computer, until 4 AM,
or sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the
50, 60 &70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love, I will.

I will walk the beach, in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and
will dive into the waves, with abandon, if I choose to, despite the pitying
glances from the jet set.
They, too, will get old.

I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well
forgotten. And, I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years, my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break,
when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's
beloved pet gets hit by a car? But, broken hearts are what give us strength, and
understanding, and compassion. A heart never broken, is pristine, and sterile,
and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to
have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many
have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other
people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be
wrong.

So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the
person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here,
I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what
will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day (if I feel like it).

 

[moreluck]

*Signs Your SUV Is Too Big*

~ The last time you took your kids to a Monster Truck pull the parking attendants directed you right onto the stadium racetrack.

~ When you replaced your tires, Goodyear stock went up five dollars a share for the quarter.

~ Your garage is larger than your house.

~ One of those "Oversize Load" escort trucks has to precede you down the interstate.

~ Your kids refer to riding the bus to school as "downsizing."

~ Before you go out, you have to file for a parade permit.

~ You're the first one in your neighborhood to own a 2004 Halliburton-Rolling House S-Class twin-turbo.

~ It has its own gravitational field and has drawn a Geo Metro into orbit.

~ There are two successful Starbucks franchises located in the back.

~ It doubles as a carport for your Taurus.

~ It's great for soccer moms, since the back seat folds down into an entire field, complete with goals.

~ You need a Sherpa and an oxygen tank to reach the driver's seat.

~ Your buddy riding shotgun is in a different time zone.

~ Mortgage payment = $2200. Texaco card payment = $2201.

~ You get a letter from Hans Blix demanding that it be dismantled immediately because it qualifies as a WMD.

~ The fuel gauge doubles as a fan.

 

[Jones]

 

[moreluck]

You might be a school employee if ....

you believe the playground should be equipped with Ritalin salt lick

you want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to work 8 to 3:30 and have summers off

it is difficult to name your own child because there's no name you can come up with that doesn't bring high blood pressure as it is uttered

you can tell it's a full moon or if it going to rain, snow, hail..anything!!! without ever looking outside

when out in public, you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know and correct their behavior

you laugh uncontrollably when people refer to the staff room as the "lounge."

you think caffeine should be available in intravenous form

meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question, "Why is this kid like this?"

 

[moreluck]

Okay folks, we seniors NOW are "in"!!!! Woo-Hoo!!!!
Because more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting, there appears to be a need for a STC or 'Senior Texting Code'. If you have reached the magical golden number of 50 or above you qualify and these are the codes for you to use. Also, you should forward these your younger contactees so they will be able to figure out what you're talking about when you text them.

Here's the newest list:

ATD = At The Doctor's

BFF = Best Friend Fell

BTW = Bring The Wheelchair

CUATSC = See You At The Senior Center

FWIW = Forgot Where I Was

FYI = Found Your Insulin

GGPBL = Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!

GHA = Got Heartburn Again

HGBM = Had Good Bowel Movement

IMHO = Is My Hearing-Aid On?

LMDO = Laughing My Dentures Out

LOL = Living On Lipitor

OMSG = Oh My! Sorry... Gas.

ROFL... CGU = Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up

SGGP = Sorry, Gotta Go Poop

TTYL = Talk To You Louder --

WWAITT = Wait, Who Am I Talking To?

WTP = Where's The Prunes?

GGLKI = Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In

GGDF = Gotta Go, Depends Full

 

[moreluck]

Boyfriend remote...... Jokes Gallery - Huge archive of free jokes!

 

[moreluck]

Shot my first turkey yesterday!



Scared the outta everyone in the frozen food section,
but it was awesome!



Gettin' old is so much fun...!!!


Hugs and Squeezers

P. S. Don 't Make Us Old People Mad!



We don't like being old in the first place;

so, it doesn't take much to piss us off. ​

 

[moreluck]

WALK NAKED FOR AMERICA DAY........................



Don't forget to mark your calendars,guys & gals

As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other

than his wife or daughter naked and if he does, he must commit suicide.

So next Saturday at 1: pm Eastern Time, all American “hotties women” are asked to walk out of their

house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists.



Circling your block for one hour or more depending on weather conditions is

recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.



All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their houses

with their favorite alcoholic beverage in there trembling & sweating hands
to demonstrate their support for the women and to prove that they are not

Muslim terrorist sympathizers




Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack of beer at your side is further proof of your patriotism.



The American government & and the breweries appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists

and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.


God Bless America !!



PS.

If you don't send this to at least 1 person, you're a terrorist-sympathizing,

lily-livered coward and are possibly aiding and abetting terrorists.

 

[moreluck]

Laws of Household Physics........

Ever notice that the laws of household physics are every bit as real as every other law in the universe? Here are a few examples:

1. A child's eagerness to assist in any project varies in inverse proportion to the ability to actually do the work involved.

2. Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one.

3. A newly washed window gathers dirt at double the speed of an unwashed window.

4. The availability of a ballpoint pen is inversely proportional to how badly it is needed.

5. The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will fill a two-car garage.

6. Three children plus two cookies equals a fight.

7. The potential for disaster is in direct proportion to the number of TV remote controls divided by the number of viewers.

8. The number of doors left open varies inversely with the outdoor temperature.

9. The capacity of any hot water heater is equal to one and one- half sibling showers.

10. What goes up must come down, except for bubble gum, kites and slightly used Rice Krispies.

11. Place two children in a room full of toys and they will both want to play with the same toy.

 

[moreluck]

Died of Shame


Annie, 6 years old, gets home from school.
She had just had her
first family planning lesson at school.
Her mother, very
interested, asks; "How did it go?"

"I died of shame!"
She answers!
“ Why?” Her Mother asked.

Annie said,
“Karen from down the road, says that the stork brings
babies.
Sally next door said you can buy babies at the
orphanage. Peter in my class
says you can buy babies at the hospital.”

Her mother
answers laughingly “But that’s no reason to be
ashamed?”

“No, but I can’t tell them that we were so
poor that you and daddy had to make me
yourselves!”

 

[moreluck]

Doing House-work

Jenny's husband, Charley, was a male chauvinist. Even though they both
worked full-time, he never helped around the house. Housework was woman's
work!

But one evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished--something's up.

It turns out that Charley had read an article that said wives who worked
full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex.
The night went well and the next day she told her office friends all about
it.

"We had a great dinner. Charley even cleaned up. He helped the kids do
their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really
enjoyed the evening."

"But what about afterward?" asked her friends.

"Oh, that was perfect too. Charley was too tired!"

 

[moreluck]

Good News, Bad News​

The men of Charlie Company had been in the field for two weeks when the Sarge announces, “I've got good news and bad news. First, the good news. Today we're going to change our underwear.”

The troops started cheering at the news.

“Now the bad news. Smith, you change with Jones. Andrews, you change with Murphy...”

 

[moreluck]

4 Year Old's First Job.......

Here's a truly heart-warming story about the bond formed between a little 4-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 4-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her 20 little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "OH YES, I will,
if those s at Home Depot ever deliver the friend'n drywall..."


Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it? P.S. Fortunately the banker was not a Liberal or the construction crew would have been charged with child endangerment, arrested under the child labor laws, and reported to the IRS for not withholding taxes from her wages to give to the poor.

​

 

[moreluck]

Who is Mightiest

​

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!

Later, the lion confronts a wild beast and fiercely bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The terrified wild beast stammers, "Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!"
On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times. The lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away.

The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant, "Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset about it!"

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

Nice Pigs .....
Regardless of your political persuasion, this is funny! Last Tuesday President Obama got back from campaigning in the Midwest and as he exited Marine One he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm. The squared-away Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted and said:"Nice pigs, sir."The President replied: "These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, and I got one for Nancy Pelosi."
The squared-away Marine again snapped to attention, saluted and said, "Excellent trade, Sir."