Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Fishing
A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York
and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing
over a beautiful bed of red roses.

"Tsk Tsk!" said the passerby to himself. "What a sad sight. That
poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can
help." So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked,
"What are you doing, my friend?"

"Fishin', sir."

"Fishin', eh. Well how would you like to come have a drink with
me?"

The old man stood, put his rod away and followed the kind stranger
to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of vodka and a fine
cigar.

His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man,
and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch today?"

The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke
ring and replied, "You are the sixth today, sir!"

 

[moreluck]

We all remember when KFC offered a "Hillary" meal, consisting of 2 small
breasts and 2 large thighs.


Now, KFC is offering the "Obama Cabinet Bucket." It consists of nothing but
left wings and chicken ..

 

[moreluck]

SOME OF THE BEST OF GEORGE CARLIN (Family Friendly Version)

Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning.

Honesty may be the best policy, but apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

"I am" is the shortest sentence is the English language. Could "I do" be the longest sentence?

As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero,he no longer is.

George Washington's brother was the Uncle of Our Country.

I have a problem with people who say, "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya, buddy?

All property is theft. No one can actually "own" anything because when you die, it all stays here.

Cloud Nine gets all the publicity, but Cloud Eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

"Meow" means "Woof" in cat.

So far, this is the oldest I've been.

I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don't have as many people who believe it.

 

[texan]

 

[moreluck]

The 5th Grade Assignment



A fifth grade teacher in a Christian school asked her class to look
At TV commercials and see if they could use them in 20 ways
To communicate ideas about God.


Here are some of the results: scroll down.
God is like.
BAYER ASPIRIN
He works miracles.

God is like.
A FORD
He's got a better idea..

God is like.
COKE
He's the real thing.


(This is great)

God is like.
HALLMARK CARDS
He cares enough to send His very best.

God is like.
TIDE
He gets the stains out others leave behind. ..

God is like.
GENERAL ELECTRIC
He brings good things to life.

God is like.
WAL-MART
He has everything.

God is like.
ALKA-SELTZER
Try Him, you'll like Him

God is like.
SCOTCH TAPE
You can't see Him, but you know He's there.

God is like..
DELTA
He's ready when you are.

God is like.
ALLSTATE
You're in good hands with Him.

God is like.
VO-5 Hair Spray; He holds through all kinds of weather

God is like.
DIAL SOAP
Aren't you glad you have Him? Don't you wish everybody did?
(that one is my favorite)


God is like .
TheU.S. POST OFFICE
> Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet nor ice will keep Him from His appointed destination.

God is like.
Chevrolet. .. .
the heartbeat of America

God is like
Maxwell House. .... .
Good to the very last drop


God is like.
Bounty . . . .
He is the quicker picker upper. . Can handle the tough jobs. ..
And He won't fall apart on you

 

[moreluck]

10 MAJOR GRIPES OF U.S. POSTAL CARRIERS:

1. Pit bulls, Rottweilers, and German Shepherds

2. Removing dog poop from shoes at the end of their deliveries

3. Walking 200 feet to get to somebody's mailbox

4. Delivering 20 magazines at one time to a "heavy" reader on his/her route

5. Those ever-present, annoying, colored, advertising flyers with discount coupons

6. Hundreds of pounds of those free little samples of shampoo, body lotion, etc.

7. People who watch out for the carrier and say, "So...why are you so late today?!"

8. People who expect "hand-delivered" mail service

9. People who keep asking, "So, why don't you sell stamps? It would save me a trip to the post office and gas money!"

10. People who give no Christmas card, and, especially, no gift!

 

[moreluck]

Since another church member, Bonnie, had mentioned that she and her husband were struggling with a big decision on whether they should become missionaries, my friend offered to include them on the prayer list.

So at the meeting, my friend announced in front of the whole congregation, "Let's all pray that Bonnie and Lee can make a decision about the missionary position."

 

[moreluck]

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. (my favourite...)

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming..

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

 

[moreluck]

"Even after the New Orleans Saint's super bowl victory, I have noiced a large number of people, implying with bad jokes and anecdotes that Loozianna ain't smart.
I would like to state for the record that I disageee with that assessment. Anybody who would build a city five feet below sea level, in a hurrican zone and fill it with Democats who can't swim is a damn genius!"

 

[moreluck]

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a woman about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says,"What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he didn't want to appear insensitive, he didn't wantto miss an opportunity either, so he asked... "Well, beforeyou jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So she does... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the bestkiss I've ever had! That's a real talent you are wasting. You couldbe famous. Why in the world would you want to commit suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl........"

The authorities think she may have been pushed.

 

[moreluck]

These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT)

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?" (MY FAVORITE)

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." (National Crime Information Centre)

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here."

 

[moreluck]

Children Are Quick
____________________________________

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today
that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree,
but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's..
Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

 

[moreluck]

Children Books
---------------------------------------

"You Were an Accident"


"Strangers Have the Best Candy"


"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer- Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"


"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It"


"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"


"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"


"Why can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Socket be friends?"


"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"


"Dad's New Wife Timothy"


"Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games"


"The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables"


"The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy"


"Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"


"The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead"


"How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School"


"Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear"

 

[moreluck]

WOMEN

A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a
bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to
live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his
most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most
handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident,
sexy, seductive and invincible...

No wait...Sorry.

I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that .

Never mind

 

[moreluck]

Dedicated to Hoke:

]If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently than most of us do. . ..

Here are some of his gems:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

And the all-time favorite -

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

 

[Catatonic]

Dedicated to me:

The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of
helicopters in it.
-- Dave Berry,

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and
compelling reason why we observe Daylight Saving Time.
-- Dave Berry,

People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent
sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.
-- Dave Berry,

The most valuable function performed by the federal government is
entertainment.
-- Dave Berry,

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely
suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby
emerging from her at that moment.
-- Dave Berry,

A penny saved is worthless.
-- Dave Berry,

They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never
be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth
is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the
planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in
the Middle East will be bitter enemies.
-- Dave Berry,

The most powerful force in the universe is: gossip.
-- Dave Berry,

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that,
deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.
-- Dave Berry,

There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to
make a big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 11.
-- Dave Berry,

There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness.'
-- Dave Berry,

People who want to share their religious views with you almost
never want you to share yours with them.
-- Dave Berry,

Nobody is normal.
-- Dave Berry,

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human
race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential,
that word would be: meetings.
-- Dave Berry,

The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to
annoy people who are not in them.
-- Dave Berry,

If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all
of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He
will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad
hairstyle.
-- Dave Berry,

You should not confuse your career with your life.
-- Dave Berry,

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a
nice person.
-- Dave Berry,

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
seriously.
-- Dave Berry,

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one
individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command.
Very often, that individual is crazy.
-- Dave Berry,

Your friends love you anyway.
-- Dave Berry,

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
-- Dave Berry,

 

[scratch]

I loved reading Dave Barry, I wish he still wrote his column. We used to have a dog that I named "Zippy The Wonderdog" after reading one of his stories. I started reading Barry after Lewis Grizzard passed away.

 

[moreluck]

I loved reading Dave Barry, I wish he still wrote his column. We used to have a dog that I named "Zippy The Wonderdog" after reading one of his stories. I started reading Barry after Lewis Grizzard passed away.

Erma Bombeck was like the female Dave Barry.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2rD1wMpn8KY

 

[moreluck]

Dads: If You Don’t Want Your Daughter to Date Charlie Sheen, Lil Wayne, Beavis or Butthead, Read This - Doug Giles - [page]

 

[Buck Fifty]

I was sitting at the bar the other day, when 3 midgets walk in and all were depressed. I asked them what the problem was.

The 1st one raised his hands in the air and said my hands are so small, It just makes me miserable.

The 2nd one popped up on the stool next to me and showed me his feet, he said his feet were so small that he could hardly walk with them.

I looked at the 3rd one and asked him what his problem was.

The 3rd midget's head just sunk and he said that his pecker was too small and it has always depressed him.

I felt bad for the 3 guys, but i thought I might be able to help them feel good about themselves.

I mention that the Guinness Book of World records was across the street and they should go see if in fact they could make something positive out of there deficiencies.

They all three perked up and ran out the place. About a 1/2 hr later the 1st runs back in all excited and announced that they measured his hands and he had the smallest hands in the world. So I bought him a drink and congratulated him.

Right then the 2nd one flew back in and yelled to everybody that he was now somebody because he had the smallest feet in the world. So I bought him a drink and congratulated him.

About that time the 3rd one walks in madder than a hornet, ready to kick someones butt. I said damn little dude what wrong with you.

He looks up and announces, he don't know who this UpstateNY guy is, but he ever meets him , he's gonna kick his a@@.


These are all in good fun riigghht !!!