Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

moreluck

golden ticket member
He Said To Me!



He said to me . ... . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
I said to him .... . . You wear pants don't you?



He said to me ... . ......... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said .. That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and fart



He said to me. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . .....
Turn sideways and look in the mirror!


He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him ... . They don't have time.


He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. .. I don't know; it has never happened.



He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.



He said..What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said. . .. A widow.




He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him .. . .. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.


 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Angels Explained by Children......................

I only know the names of two angels. Hark and Harold. Gregory, 5

Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it. Olive, 9

It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to heaven, and then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes. Matthew, 9

Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else. Mitchell, 7

Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows!!!Jack, 6

Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead. Daniel, 9

When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath, somewhere there's a tornado. Reagan, 10

Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good carpenter. Jared, 8

All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn't go for it. Antonio, 9

Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the child get over it. Vicki, 8

What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them. Sarah, 7
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with
a fly swatter

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting Flies", he responded.

"Oh, killing any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he
replied.

Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Words: then & now

Bailout
Then: Ejecting from a failing aircraft before it crashes
Now: Injecting money into a crony too-big-to-fail bank before it crashes

Crony
Then: Someone a pal would share a drink with
Now: Someone a pol will share taxpayer money with

Freedom
Then: You do what you want
Now: You do what we want

Poverty
Then: A lack of the basic necessities of life
Now: A lack of the newest iPhone

Racism
Then: Resentment of one's skin color
Now: Resentment of one's political views

Tax
Then: A means of funding the services provided by the government
Now: A means provided to the government to screw you if you don't buy health insurance

Journalism:
Then: All the news that's fit to print
Now: All the news that fits our narrative, we print

Evolution
Then: A scientific theory explaining the development of complex creatures from simpler ones
Now: A journalistic theory explaining the development of simplistic legal opinions from supposedly complex supreme court justices

Investment
Then: A person risking some of his own money in hopes of a positive return
Now: A politician risking a lot of the public's money which he's positive won't be returned

Environmentalism:
Then: A movement seeking to preserve the earth for future generations
Now: A movement seeking to kill off future generations to preserve the earth

Mortgage
Then: A loan made to a mature, responsible person for the purpose of purchasing a house
Now: A loan made to an immature, irresponsible person for the purpose of making politicians feel good

Ambition
Then: Spending billions to build a rocket to take men to the moon and break rocks
Now: Spending billions to build a train to take men from Bakersfield to Fresno which will never break ground

Woman
Then: A human with female sex organs and sexual characteristics
Now: A human with female sex organs and sexual characteristics who votes Democrat

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Wedding
Then: An occasion to celebrate with gifts to the new bride and groom
Now: An occasion to celebrate with a donation to Barack Obama

Change
Then: "Change back from your dollar," an ad campaign for selling hamburgers
Now: "Change you can believe in," an ad campaign for selling a meathead

Clown
Then: Symbolic head of McDonalds
Now: Actual head of the US
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
The Carpenter Son

One day Jesus was out for a walk, strolling near the walls surrounding heaven, when he heard an old man's voice call from the other side.

"Hello? Hello?"

Jesus replied, "Who is it?"

"Just a poor, old carpenter searching for his son," the old man replied.

Jesus' heart leapt with joy and he called out, "Joseph?"

The voice answered back, "Pinocchio?"
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Hey, I sent my Census form back! AGAIN!!!

In response to the question: "Do you have any dependents?" I replied - "12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 42 million unemployable people, 2 million people in over 243 prisons; and 535 more in the U.S. House and Senate."

Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer............
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
  • Having nothing to say has never stopped most people from saying it.
  • My life is like a fairy tale. It’s Grimm.
  • Most stress is caused by three things; family, money and family with no money.


  • You can’t make the same mistake twice. The second time you make it, it’s no longer a mistake, it’s a choice.


  • I know alcohol is never the answer, but it’s always my best guess.
  • My life coach just benched me.
  • I’d live my life in the fast lane but I’m married to a speed bump.


  • Drive defensively. Buy a tank.


  • I have a natural beauty. But time is doing unnatural things to it.

  • If all else fails, lower your standards.


  • A true friend is one who thinks you are a good egg even if you are a little half cracked.


  • While I may not always return the affection of those who like me, I always admire their good judgement.


  • If you can’t laugh at yourself, make fun of other people.


  • You really are as pretty as a picture. I’d like to hang you.


  • The only time I ever nap is after hitting the snooze button. I took 32 naps this morning.


  • Mimes walk the walk but never talk the talk.


 

moreluck

golden ticket member
IT'S SO HOT in Kansas .... the birds have to use potholders to pull the
worms out of the ground.
.....the trees are whistling for the dogs.
.....the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance
.....hot water comes from both taps.
.....you can make sun tea instantly.
.....you learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
.....the temperature drops below 90 friend and...you feel a little chilly.
.....you discover that in July it only takes two fingers to steer your car.
.....you discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
.....you actually burn your hand opening the car door.
.....you break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 A.M.
.....your biggest motorcycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and
end
up lying on the pavement and cook to death"?
.....you realize that asphalt has a liquid stage.
.....the potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and
add butter.
.....the cows are giving evaporated milk.
.....farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying
boiled eggs.

IT'S SO DRY IN KANSAS that the Baptists are starting to baptize by
sprinkling, the Lutherans are using wet-wipes, the Presbyterians are
giving rain checks, and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn
back into water!
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
(thanksE.)

This clears up a huge question---1947

Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947,
a little more than 64 years ago,
numerous witnesses claim that
an Unidentified Flying Object, (UFO),
with five aliens aboard,
crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch
just outside Roswell , New Mexico .

This is a well known incident
that many say has long been covered-up
by the U.S. Air Force,
as well as other Federal Agencies
and Organizations.

However, what you may NOT know is that
in the month of April, year 1948,
nine months after the historic day,
the following people were born:

Barrack Obama Sr.
Albert A. Gore, Jr.
Hillary Rodham
William J. Clinton
John friend. Kerry
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer
Joe Biden

This is the consequence
of aliens breeding
with sheep and jack-asses.

I truly hope this bit of information
clears up a lot of things for you.
It certainly did for me.

And
now you can stop wondering why
they support the bill
to help all Illegal Aliens.
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Country of Texas

Please note that Texas is the only state with a legal right to secede from the Union . (Reference the Texas-American Annexation Treaty of 1848.)

We Texans love y'all, but we'll probably have to take action if Barack Obama wins the election. We'll miss you too.

Here is what can happen:

1: Barack Hussein Obama is President of the United States, and Texas secedes from the Union in summer of 2013.

2: George W. Bush will become the President of the Republic of Texas . You might not think that he talks too pretty, but we haven't had another terrorist attack, and the economy was fine until the effects of the Democrats lowering the qualifications for home loans came to roost.

So what does Texas have to do to survive as a Republic?

1. NASA is just south of Houston, Texas. We will control the space industry.

2. We refine over 85% of the gasoline in the United States.

3. Defense Industry--we have over 65% of it. The term "Don't mess with Texas," will take on a whole new meaning.

4. Oil - we can supply all the oil that the Republic of Texas will need for the next 300 years. What will the other states do? Gee, we don't know. Why not ask Obama?

5. Natural Gas - again we have all we need, and it's too bad about those Northern States. John Kerry and Al Gore will have to figure out a way to keep them warm....

6. Computer Industry - we lead the nation in producing computer chips and communications equipment -small companies like Texas Instruments, Dell Computer, EDS, Raytheon, National Semiconductor, Motorola, Intel, AMD, Atmel, Applied Materials, Ball Microconductor, Dallas Semiconductor, Nortel, Alcatel, etc, etc. The list goes on and on.

7. Medical Care - We have the research centers for cancer research, the best burn centers and the top trauma units in the world, as well as other large health centers. The Houston Medical Center alone employees over 65,000 people.

8. We have enough colleges to keep us getting smarter: University of
Texas , Texas A&M, Texas Tech, Texas Christian, Rice, SMU, University
of Dallas , University of Houston , Baylor, UNT ( University of North
Texas ), Texas Women's University, etc. Ivy grows better in the South anyway.

9. We have an intelligent and energetic work force, and it isn't restricted by a bunch of unions. Here in Texas , it's a Right to Work State and, therefore, it's every man and women for themselves. We just go out and get the job done. And if we don't like the way one company operates, we get a job somewhere else.

10. We have essential control of the paper, plastics, and insurance industries, etc.

11. In case of a foreign invasion, we have the Texas National Guard, the Texas Air National Guard, and several military bases. We don't have an Army, but since everybody down here has at least six rifles and a pile of ammo, we can raise an Army in 24 hours if we need one. If the situation really gets bad, we can always call the Department of Public Safety and ask them to send over the Texas Rangers.

12. We are totally self-sufficient in beef, poultry, hogs, and several types of grain, fruit and vegetables, and let's not forget seafood from the Gulf. Also, everybody down here knows how to cook them so that they taste good. Don't need any food.

13. Three of the ten largest cities in the United States , and twenty- three of the 100 largest cities in the United States, are located in Texas. And Texas also has more land than California, New York, New Jersey, Connecticut, Delaware, Hawaii, Massachusetts, Maryland, Rhode Island and Vermont combined.

14. Trade: Three of the ten largest ports in the United States are located in Texas.

15. We also manufacture cars down here, but we don't need to. You see, nothing rusts in Texas, so our vehicles stay beautiful and run well for decades.




This just names a few of the items that will keep the Republic of Texas in good shape. There isn't a thing out there that we need and don't have.

Now to the rest of the United States under President Obama: Since you won't have the refineries to get gas for your cars, only President Obama will be able to drive around in his big 5 mpg SUV. The rest of the United States will have to walk or ride bikes.

You won't have any TV as the Space Center in Houston will cut off satellite communications. You won't have any natural gas to heat your homes, but since Mr. Obama has predicted global warming, you will not need the gas as long as you survive the 2000 years it will take to get enough heat from Global Warming.

Signed,
The People of Texas

P.S. This is not a threatening letter - just a note to give you something to think about!



SLEEP WELL TONIGHT - THE EYES OF TEXAS ARE UPON YOU!!







 

moreluck

golden ticket member
BENEFITS OF LAUGHTER:

According to researchers, laughter could be just what the doctor ordered when it comes to coping with life's stresses. It's been proven that laughter:

A) Relaxes muscles

B) Lowers blood pressure

C) Eases mental tension

D) Reduces levels of hormones that trigger the stress responses and suppress immunity

E) Releases endorphins, the same stress-reducers triggered by exercise

friend) Laughter is beneficial for improving one's perspective on life

(Detroit News and Free Press)
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.
The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started
learning to cuss. "The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues ,"When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say
something with” hell” and you say something with “ass."
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he
wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.
WHACK!
He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up,
and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit,
slapping his rear with every step.

His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a
stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
A doctor in St John's Newfoundland wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his janitor. "I am goin' huntin' tomorrow Buddy and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients and I'll give you fifty bucks."
"Yes, sir!" answers Buddy
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So, Buddy, How was your day?"


Buddy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a Headache so I gave him TYLENOL."
"Bravo Buddy! The second one?" asks the doctor.


"The second one had a bad stomach and I gave him MAALOX, sir." says Buddy
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the Doctor


"Well Sir, I was sitting here having a smoke and suddenly the door flies opens and a woman enters. Like a flash, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts: HELP ME - I haven't seen a man in over two years.


"Holy Mackeral Buddy!!! What did you do?"
I put drops in her eyes!!
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Lunch With The Girls
A group of 15-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Dairy Queen, next door to the Ocean View restaurant, because they had only $6.00 among them and Brad Johnson, the cute boy in Social Studies, lived on that street.

10 years later, the group of 25-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the beer was cheap, the restaurant offered free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover charge, and there were lots of cute guys.

10 years later, the group of 35-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the cosmos were good, it was right near the gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

10 years later, the group of 45-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the martinis were big, and the waiters wore tight pants and had nice buns.

10 years later, the group of 55-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the prices were reasonable, the wine list was good, the restaurant had windows that opened (in case of hot flashes), and they served fish which is good for your cholesterol.

10 years later, the group of 65-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the lighting was good, and the restaurant had a senior citizen discounts.

10 years later, the group of 75-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the food was not too spicy, and the restaurant was handicapped-accessible.

10 years later, the group of 85-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because they had never been there before.
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Two buddies are walking to the Co-op; One says, "Did you know that Elks have sex 10 to 15 times a day?"

"Aw crap . . ." says his friend; ". . . and I just joined the Knights of Columbus!"
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Stop!
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he said.
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
"Like what?"
"Well...are you religious or atheist?"
"Religious."
"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"
"Christian."
"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Protestant."
"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Baptist."
"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
"Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"
To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.

 

texan

Well-Known Member
Stop!
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he said.
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
"Like what?"
"Well...are you religious or atheist?"
"Religious."
"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"
"Christian."
"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Protestant."
"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Baptist."
"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
"Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"
To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.

So true that we are like that as people. Sigh....
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
After receiving an ivory carving of the Last Supper, my friend Pat displayed it in a prominent place. When her six-year-old grandson came to visit, he noticed it and wanted to know what it was. So she told him a little bit about what the artist had portrayed. Not long after, the boy visited again, this time with some cousins who hadn't seen the carving. One of them asked what it was. Before Grandma could reply, the six-year-old said, "Oh that's Jesus and the boys out to supper.
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Father Of Who

A man walk into a supermarket and notices a beautiful woman staring at him.

She stares for quite some time, so finally the man asked "Do I know you?"

The woman answers "I think your the father of one of my kids".

The man thinks for a minute then realizes this kid she is talking about must be the result of the one and only time he ever cheated on his wife.

So he says to the woman "are you the stripper that was at my best friends bachelor party about 5 years ago?" "You know, the one I had sex with on the pool table while your friend spanked my bare ass with a whip?"

The woman looks at him horrified and says "No, I'm your son's teacher".
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
A Jesuit, a Dominican and a Franciscan were walking along an old road, debating the greatness of their orders. Suddenly, an apparition of the Holy Family appeared in front of them, with Jesus in a manger and Mary and Joseph praying over him. The Franciscan fell on his face, over come with awe at the of sight God born in such poverty. The Dominican fell to his knees, adoring the beautiful reflection of the Trinity and the Holy Family. The Jesuit walked up to Joseph, put his arm around his shoulder, and said, "So, where ya thinking of sending the kid for school?"
 
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