Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly.

They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night." With age comes wisdom.

 

[moreluck]

Bumper Stickers.........

Diplomacy Is Saying “Nice Doggy” Until You Find A Rock.

Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.

Disappointed? Too bad!

Do I look like a freakin' People Person?

Do not believe in miracles - rely on them.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.

Do not play a leap frog with a unicorn.

 

[moreluck]

The

“Big D”2012

An

Arab Muslim enters a taxi cab in Dallas, Texas,

and once he's seated he asks the cab

driver to “turn off the radio because he must

not hear music as decreed by his religion, and

in the time of the prophet, there was no music,

especially Western music, which is music of the

infidel's and certainly no

radio.”


So

the cab driver politely switches off the radio,

pulls over to the side, stops the cab and opens

the back door.

The Arab asks him: “What

are you doing, man?”

The Texan answers:

“In the time of the prophet there were no

taxis. So get out, stand on the curb and

wait for a

camel.”

 

[moreluck]

I just received my tax return for 2011 back from the IRS. It puzzles me!!! They are questioning how many dependents I claimed.

I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependents?" I replied: 12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 42 million unemployed people on food stamps, 2 million people in over 243 prisons; Half of Mexico; and 535 persons in the U.S. House and Senate." 1 useless President. Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.

I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO DID I MISS?

 

[moreluck]

This is the story of a blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with the pilot.
The pilot has a heart attack and dies. The blonde is frantic and calls out a May Day.

"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and died.
I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"

She hears a voice over the radio saying:

"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear.

I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground.

I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem.
'Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine!
Now give me your height and position."

She says, "I'm 5' 4" and I support Obama."

After a pause, the voice on the radio says "O.K."

"Repeat after me:
Our Father, Who art in Heaven​

 

[moreluck]

A woman was playing golf when she took a big swing and fell.

The party waiting behind her was a group from the White House that included Obama.

Obama quickly stepped forward and helped her to her feet.

She thanked him and started to leave, when he said, "I'm President Obama and I hope you'll vote for me this November."

She laughed and quickly said, "I fell on my ass, not my head!"

 

[moreluck]

Books Without Pages

Successful Green Energy Investments
by Barack Obama

My Thoughts on Personal Liberty
by Nanny Michael Bloomberg

The Relevance of Newspapers in the 21st Century
by NY Times Publisher Pinch Sulzberger

Socialist Policies That Actually Work
by French President Francois Hollande

Turbo Tax Tips
by Tim Geithner

My Ideas for Stimulating the Economy
by Ben Bernanke

Things I've Actually Accomplished (Instead of Just Getting the Credit For)
by Barack Obama

My Low-Consumption Small-Carbon-Footprint Lifestyle
by Al Gore

How #Occupy Wall Street Has Changed America For the Better!
by Inmate #54623

Handbook of Modern Journalistic Ethics
by Kim Jung Un

The Future of GM
by Rick Wagoner Kent Kresa Ed Whitacre Dan Akerson

Diplomatic Triumphs of Soft Power
by Hillary Clinton

How The New Bullet Train Will Benefit California
by Gov. Jerry "Moonbeam" Brown

The Truths Revealed By My Movies
by Michael Moore

How Do I Love Barack Obama, Let Me Count the Ways!
by Bill Clinton

The Honesty, Integrity and Wisdom of Harry Reid
by His Friends

Why Barack Obama Deserved the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize
by Liu Xiaobo

The Ways Public Employee Unions Benefit Society
by Stockton, CA Mayor Ann Johnston

Why Barack Obama MUST Be Re-elected
by Anna Wintour

Today's Political Class's Approach to Solving Problems
by U. Gotta & B. Kidding

The Logic Behind The ObamaCare Decision
by Chief Justice John Roberts

How I Sacrificed Self-Interest In Favor of Public Service
by Michelle Obama

Changes Theresa and I Have Made On A Personal Level to Combat Climate Change
by John Kerry

Good Reasons to Consider Purchasing A Chevy Volt
by U. R. Stuck

 

[moreluck]

The Pope and Obama are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Mr. Obama and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Obama replied, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand....Show me!"

So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage!

AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY and there was happiness throughout the land!

Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

“A taxpayer voting for Obama is like a chicken voting for Colonel Sanders!”



Amen

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

You Must Be Single​

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a quart of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
He said, "You must be single."
The woman, a bit startled but intrigued by the derelict's intuition, looked at her six items on the belt. Seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?".
The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."

 

[moreluck]

Bill has done it again...

They're standing on the corner and they can't speak English.

I can't even talk the way these people talk:

Why you ain't,
Where you is,
What he drive,
Where he stay,
Where he work,
Who you be...
And I blamed the kid until I heard the mother talk.

And then I heard the father talk.

Everybody knows it's important to speak English except these knuckleheads. You can't be a doctor with that kind of crap coming out of your mouth
In fact you will never get any kind of job making a decent living.

People marched and were hit in the face with rocks to get an Education, and now we've got these knuckleheads walking around.

The lower economic people are not holding up their end in this deal.

These people are not parenting. They are buying things for kids.

$500 sneakers for what?

And they won't spend $200 for Hooked on Phonics.

I am talking about these people who cry when their son is standing there in an orange suit.

Where were you when he was 2?

Where were you when he was 12?

Where were you when he was 18 and how come you didn't know that he had a pistol?

And where is the father? Or who is his father?

People putting their clothes on backward:
Isn't that a sign of something gone wrong?

People with their hats on backward, pants down around the crack, isn't that a sign of something?

Isn't it a sign of something when she has her dress all the way up and got all type of needles [piercing] going through her body?

What part of Africa did this come from??

We are not Africans. Those people are not Africans; they don't know a thing about Africa ..... I say this all of the time. It would be like white people saying they are European-American. That is totally stupid. I was born here, and so were my parents and grand parents and, very likely my great grandparents. I don't have any connection to Africa, no more than white Americans have to Germany , Scotland , England , Ireland , or the Netherlands . The same applies to 99 percent of all the black Americans as regards to Africa . So stop, already! ! !
With names like Shaniqua, Taliqua and Mohammed and all of that crap ......... And all of them are in jail.

Brown or black versus the Board of Education is no longer the white person's problem.

We have got to take the neighborhood back.
People used to be ashamed. Today a woman has eight children with eight different 'husbands' -- or men or whatever you call them now.

We have millionaire football players who cannot read.
We have million-dollar basketball players who can't write two paragraphs. We, as black folks have to do a better job.
Someone working at Wal-Mart with seven kids, you are hurting us.

We have to start holding each other to a higher standard..
We cannot blame the white people any longer.'Dr.. William Henry 'Bill' Cosby, Jr., Ed..D.

WELL SAID, BILL
It's NOT about color...

It's about behavior!!!​

 

[moreluck]

On their first date, a man asked his companion if she'd like a drink with dinner. "Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?" she said.

Later, he offered her a cigarette. "Oh, no what would I tell my Sunday school class?" she said again.

On the drive home, he saw a motel. Figuring he had nothing to lose, he asked if she wanted to stop in there.

"Okay," his date replied.

"What will you tell your Sunday school class?" he asked, shocked.

"The same thing I always tell them. 'You don't have to drink or smoke to have a good time.'"

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Grocery Store confusion

There was a bit of confusion at the grocery store this morning. When I was
ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland Security
running amok, I did just as he had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that
he was referring to my credit card.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!

 

[moreluck]

The doctor's just told me I have bulimic dementia. I eat like a pig and then forget to throw up

 

[menotyou]

Story of a Golf Ball and Sand Wedge

A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in
the bedroom closet. Then the woman's husband also comes home. She puts
her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there
already.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The man says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a golf ball.'

Man - 'That's nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

Man - 'No, thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

Man - 'OK, how much?'

Boy - '$250'

A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the closet together..

Boy - 'Dark in here.'

Man - 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a sand wedge.

'The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'

Boy - '$750'

Man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the boy’s father says to the boy, 'Grab your sand
wedge and golf ball, let's go outside and have some short game practice.
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and sand wedge dad.'

The father says, 'What?! How much did you sell them for?'

Boy - '$1,000.'

The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that. That is far more than those two things cost. I'm going to take
you to church and make you confess.'

They go to the church, and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The priest says,

'Don't start that **** with me again. You're in my closet now.'







​

 

[moreluck]

How many do you remember?

Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.

Ignition switches on the dashboard.

Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall.

Real ice boxes.

Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.

Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.

Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.

Older Than Dirt Quiz :



Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told
about. Ratings at the bottom.



1. Blackjack chewing gum
2.Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes
6 . Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines on the telephone
8 Newsreels before the movie
9. P.friend. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11.. TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and
were there until TV shows started again in the morning. (there were only 3
channels... [if you were fortunate] )

12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S& H greenstamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulb
20. Packards
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 16-25 = You' re older than dirt!

I might be older than dirt but those memories are some of the best
parts of my life.

Don't forget to pass this along!!
Especially to all your really O L D friends....

 

[Necropostophiliac]

How many do you remember?

Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.

Ignition switches on the dashboard.

Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall.

Real ice boxes.

Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.

Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.

Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.

Older Than Dirt Quiz :



Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told
about. Ratings at the bottom.



1. Blackjack chewing gum
2.Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes
6 . Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines on the telephone
8 Newsreels before the movie
9. P.friend. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11.. TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and
were there until TV shows started again in the morning. (there were only 3
channels... [if you were fortunate] )

12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S& H greenstamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulb
20. Packards
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 16-25 = You' re older than dirt!

I might be older than dirt but those memories are some of the best
parts of my life.

Don't forget to pass this along!!
Especially to all your really O L D friends....

Many of them make me feel old.

1st auto my person got to drive in the woods, not on the road was a
1959 Studebaker Lark. It had the push butoon automatic on the dash. Go figure.
We all chipped in 25.00 each (me and three friends) and bought it together as 14 year olds.
Back then as 14 year olds you hustled mowing grass, weeding gardens, and what ever it took to
have spending money.
We beat that thing to death driving it all over the woods. We kept it parked in the woods.
Our parents never knew.
Not the one we had, but a like model:

 

[menotyou]

How many do you remember?

Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.

Ignition switches on the dashboard.

Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall.

Real ice boxes.

Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.

Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.

Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.

Older Than Dirt Quiz :



Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told
about. Ratings at the bottom.



1. Blackjack chewing gum
2.Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes
6 . Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines on the telephone
8 Newsreels before the movie
9. P.friend. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11.. TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and
were there until TV shows started again in the morning. (there were only 3
channels... [if you were fortunate] )

12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S& H greenstamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulb
20. Packards
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 16-25 = You' re older than dirt!

I might be older than dirt but those memories are some of the best
parts of my life.

Don't forget to pass this along!!
Especially to all your really O L D friends....

I'm older than dirt! That survey sucks the kazoo!!!

 

[moreluck]

What your coffee drink tells about you:

Capuccino...You are basically the average relationship person (like the flat white)except you have the occasional spark, the occasional "froth", maybe even the occasional romance ....

Cafe Latte...You are the soft, sensitive type (and maybe just a bit on the trendy side).

Espresso/short black...You are passionate, intense and strong in a relationship. However, you don't last very long in one.

Machiatto...(for those who don't know, it's an espresso with a dash of milk) You are like the short black, except in your strength and intensity, you have a soft, sensitive spot. However, you don't last very long either.

Long Black...In my mind, the best: same as the short black strong, passionate,intense, but you'll also go all the way and last the mile in a relationship.

Vienna..You're sweet but without much substance.

Irish/liquer coffee...You are wild and like to lose control in a relationship. You like to have a little fun, but might not be everyone's "cup of joe".

Mocha/mocha...You can't make up your mind. You're indecisive about relationships - whether you're gonna commit or just be friends (see chocolate section below).

Hot chocolate (with hot water)...You just like to be friends with everyone. You're not really looking for a relationship.

Hot chocolate (with hot milk)...You just like to be friends with everyone. AND everyone loves you as a friend, 'cause you're extra sweet and sensitive. You're everyone's friend but no one's lover.

Iced Coffee...You can't commit to a relationship. You won't get serious; you refuse to get into the "heat".

Iced Chocolate...You just wanna be friends with everyone but you can't commit as a friend.

Milkshakes and smoothies...You're still into teenage, puppy-love. GROW UP!

 

[moreluck]

Who Reads the Newspapers?

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the
country.

3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the
country.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country
but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however,
like their statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running
the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to
leave LA to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the
country and they did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure
who's running the country, and don't really care as long as they can
get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's
running the country, as long as they do something really scandalous,
preferably while intoxicated.

9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure
there is a country or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is,
they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions
if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs, who
also happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy as long as
they are Democrats.

10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another
country but need the baseball scores.

11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the
grocery store.