Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

"Dogs Welcome"
A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.
He wrote: I would very much like to bring my dog with me.
He is well-groomed and very well behaved.
Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who wrote: SIR: "I've been operating this hotel for many years.
In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls.
I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly.
And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill.
Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel.
And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."
​

 

[moreluck]

The philosopher who said that work well done never needs doing over never weeded a garden." (Ray D. Everson)



Why is it that being called a Senior isn't nearly as much fun as it was in High School? "


"August that time of year you can use your mailbox as a microwave." - Maxine



I was so surprised at my birth, I couldn't talk for a year.


"She's the kind of girl you'd like to bring home to mother... If you could trust your father."

 

[moreluck]

Two elderly, excited Southern women were sitting together in the front pew of church listening to a fiery preacher.

When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing, these two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs, "AMEN, BROTHER!"When the preacher condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again, "PREACH IT, REVEREND!"

And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and screamed, "RIGHT ON, BROTHER! TELL IT LIKE IT IS... AMEN!"

But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet. One turned to the other and said, "He's quit preaching and now he's meddlin'."

 

[CaliforniaPaul]

Resurrection

At a local church on this past Easter the pastor called all of the little children to the front of the church, dressed in their cute Easter outfits and had them sit around him.

He said, "Today is Easter and you all look so handsome and beautiful.
Today we're going to talk about the resurrection.
Does anyone know what the resurrection is?"

One little boy raised his hand, and the pastor said, "Please tell us what the resurrection is."

The boy, proud that he knew the answer, said in a clear loud voice, "When you get one lasting more than four hours, you gotta call a doctor!"

It took a solid 10 minutes before the pastor could speak and there was so much laughter going on that his sermon was probably forgotten - but that boy's voice won't be.

 

[menotyou]

Resurrection

At a local church on this past Easter the pastor called all of the little children to the front of the church, dressed in their cute Easter outfits and had them sit around him.

He said, "Today is Easter and you all look so handsome and beautiful.
Today we're going to talk about the resurrection.
Does anyone know what the resurrection is?"

One little boy raised his hand, and the pastor said, "Please tell us what the resurrection is."

The boy, proud that he knew the answer, said in a clear loud voice, "When you get one lasting more than four hours, you gotta call a doctor!"

It took a solid 10 minutes before the pastor could speak and there was so much laughter going on that his sermon was probably forgotten - but that boy's voice won't be.

Emailing to my Dad.

 

[moreluck]

ADAM............




God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for Me."

Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?" God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river." Adam said, "What's a river?"

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill....." Adam said, "What is a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave." Adam said, 'What's a cave?'

After God explained, He said, "In the cave you will find a woman."Adam said, "What's a woman?' So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said, 'I want you to reproduce." Adam said, "How do I do that?"

God first said (under His breath), "Geez....." And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back. God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"

And Adam said....



"What's a

headache?"

 

[moreluck]

Re-Released Boomer Tunes



Paul Simon - "Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver"
Carly Simon - "You're So Varicose Vein"
The Bee Gees - "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"
Roberta Flack - "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"
Johnny Nash - "I Can't See Clearly Now"
The Temptations - "Papa Got a Kidney Stone"
Nancy Sinatra - "These Boots Give Me Arthritis"
ABBA - "Denture Queen"
Leo Sayer - "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
Commodores - "Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom"
Procol Harem - "A Whiter Shade of Hair"
The Beatles - "I Get By with a Little Help From Depends"
Steely Dan - "Rikki Don't Lose Your Car Keys"
Herman's Hermits - "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"
Credence Clearwater Revival - "Bad Prune Rising"
Marvin Gaye - "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"
The Who - "Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"
The Troggs - "Bald Thing"
Adair Rowland

 

[moreluck]

The Rules of Bacon.....

1. There must always be bacon in the fridge. Always.

2. There does not exist a food that does not go well with bacon.

3. There are 2 kinds of people in the world, those who like bacon
and those who will be used as fodder in the case of a zombie
apocalypse.

4. Even pigs like bacon.

5. Crispy & chewy are both acceptable ways to cook bacon. Thou
shalt not discriminate.

6. 90% of the world's problems can be solved by cooking more bacon.

7. Bacon presents exactly zero heath care risks. Shut up!

8. Meals without bacon are rarely worth eating.

9. Thou shalt always consume bacon on the Sabbath....and Mondayth
...and the Tuesdayth....

10. Bacon gets you laid.

 

[menotyou]

LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane. He turned
to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike
up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book,replied to the
total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God,
or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you
a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -
grass.
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty,
but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to
discuss why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after
death, when you don't know ****?"

And then she went back to reading her book

 

[moreluck]

Prostate Exam

An old guy goes to hisDoctor for his physical and gets sent to the
Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the
Urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor says, "I'm
going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little
different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your
right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a
deep breath and say, '99'. The old guy obeys and says,'99'.



The doctor says, "Great".rNow turn over on your left side and again,
while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99'. Again, the
old guy says, '99'. The doctor said, "Very good".



Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised
slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the
other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way.
Now take a deep breath and say, '99'. The old guy begins, "One ......
Two ... Three" .....

 

[texan]

Not sure where to post this, but it is a good one and not Meaningless fluff.

 

[menotyou]

Not sure where to post this, but it is a good one and not Meaningless fluff.

That deserves some rep.

 

[moreluck]

Lottery
A guy gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and says, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!".

The wife says, "Wow! That's great! I'm so happy! Should I pack for the ocean, or should I pack for the mountains?"

He says, "I don't care. Just get the hell out!"

 

[packageguy]

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in.
he looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "GOD,if you are for real
then
I want you to knock me off this platform........I'll give you exactly 15 minutes."


The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes
went by and the professor proclaimed, here I am GOD, I am still waiting.

It got down to the last couple of minutes when the marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and then hit him;
Knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold..
The marine went back to his seat and sat there
The other students were shocked and stunned, and sat there

looking on in silence. the professor eventually came to...

noticeably shaken, looked at the marine and asked, what in the world is the matter with you? why did you do that.

The marine camly replied, GOD was too busy today protecting soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like an idiot. SO HE SENT ME.

The classroom erupted in cheers...

 

[moreluck]

How Old is grandma?

Stay with this -- the answer is at the end. It will blow you away.

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandmother about current events.
The grandson asked his grandmother what she thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.

The Grandmother replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:
' television
' penicillin
' polio shots
' frozen foods
' Xerox
' contact lenses
' Frisbees and
' the pill
There were no:
' credit cards
' laser beams or
' ball-point pens
Man had not yet invented:
' pantyhose
' air conditioners
' dishwashers
' clothes dryers
' and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and
' man hadn't yet walked on the moon

Your Grandfather and I got married first, and then lived together. Every family had a father and a mother.
Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, "Sir."
And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir."
We were before gay-rights, computer-dating, dual careers, daycare centres, and group therapy.
Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.
We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.
Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege.
We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.
Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.
Draft dodgers were those who closed front doors as the evening breeze started.
Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends -not purchasing condominiums.

We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CD's, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.
We listened to Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios.
And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.
If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk.
The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.
Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.
We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.
Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.
And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.
You could buy a new Ford Coupe for $600, but who could afford one?
Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.
In my day:
' "grass" was mowed,
' "coke" was a cold drink,
' "pot" was something your mother cooked in and
' "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby.
' "Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office,
' "chip" meant a piece of wood,
' "hardware" was found in a hardware store and.
' "software" wasn't even a word.

And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby.
No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap.
How old do you think I am?
I bet you have this old lady in mind. You are in for a shock!
Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time.
Are you ready?????

This woman would be only 60 years old, Born in 1952.

 

[moreluck]

MEN IN HEAVEN

---

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Heaven, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines.
One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women.

I want all the women to report to St. Peter."

Soon, the women were gone, and there were the two lines of men.
The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long... and in the line of men, who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.

God said to the long line, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves; I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose!

Of all of you men here, only one obeyed me. Learn from him."

God turned to the one lone man, "How did you manage to be the only one in your line?"

The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

 

[moreluck]

Paddy was in New York .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'​

 

[moreluck]

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'


Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'​

 

[moreluck]

What is Couple Sex?

All you Grandpas and Grandmas, This was too funny not to forward.
We are all reaching that stage where we need to keep the
wax out of our ears and keep the hearing aids tuned up. Enjoy!

--- What Is Couple Sex?

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was
working in the yard and asked him, "Grampa, what is couple Sex?"
The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a
question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question,

then she's old enough to get a straight answer.
Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to
tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities

of intercourse.

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking
at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.
Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her,
"Why did you ask this question, honey?"

The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will
be ready in just a couple secs.

 

[moreluck]

Things NOT to tell your pregnant wife...​

- "I finished the Oreos"

- "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds."

- "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"

- "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 26th is the Super Bowl"

- "Fred at the office passed a kidney stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt!"

- "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"

- "Get your own ice cream."
- "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today!"

- "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"

- "You don't have the guts to pull the trigger..........."


(I like #1)