Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2
- Thread starter moreluck
- Start date
CaliforniaPaul
Well-Known Member
Elton And Davids Baby
Elegance & Splendor Extraordinaire ! ! !
They had their sperm mixed together and a surrogate mother was artificially inseminated.
When the baby was born Elton and David were ushered into a ward where a dozen babies were lying in their cots, eleven of them crying and screaming.
In the corner, one baby was lying serenely. A nurse came over to both of them and indicated that the happy child was theirs.
"Isn't it wonderful?" Elton asked David. "All these crying babies...and yet our baby is so content. This just proves the superiority of gay love!
"The nurse said, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the pacifier out of his ass...."
Elegance & Splendor Extraordinaire ! ! !
They had their sperm mixed together and a surrogate mother was artificially inseminated.
When the baby was born Elton and David were ushered into a ward where a dozen babies were lying in their cots, eleven of them crying and screaming.
In the corner, one baby was lying serenely. A nurse came over to both of them and indicated that the happy child was theirs.
"Isn't it wonderful?" Elton asked David. "All these crying babies...and yet our baby is so content. This just proves the superiority of gay love!
"The nurse said, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the pacifier out of his ass...."
moreluck
golden ticket member
THINGS WE WOULDN'T KNOW WITHOUT SUNDAY SCHOOL............
With your eyes closed for prayer, anything can happen in a room full of preschoolers.
Prayer requests reveal a lot about parents.
A fire extinguisher is a handy device.
Kool Aid and song motions do not mix.
Grand pianos are not as durable as you might think.
Church maintenance people do not have a sense of humor.
Offering money always rolls to the other side of the room when dropped.
Parachute games should not be used in a room with a chandelier.
Animal crackers can be sneezed out the nose.
With your eyes closed for prayer, anything can happen in a room full of preschoolers.
Prayer requests reveal a lot about parents.
A fire extinguisher is a handy device.
Kool Aid and song motions do not mix.
Grand pianos are not as durable as you might think.
Church maintenance people do not have a sense of humor.
Offering money always rolls to the other side of the room when dropped.
Parachute games should not be used in a room with a chandelier.
Animal crackers can be sneezed out the nose.
moreluck
golden ticket member
"Don't You Hate it When..."
You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them.
The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.
You open a can of soup, and the lid falls in.
There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.
You slice your tongue licking an envelope.
You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.
A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling.
You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm instead of 7am.
The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that song.
You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.
Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.
You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up.
You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them.
The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.
You open a can of soup, and the lid falls in.
There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.
You slice your tongue licking an envelope.
You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.
A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling.
You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm instead of 7am.
The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that song.
You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.
Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.
You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up.
moreluck
golden ticket member
1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye....
2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 80. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.
6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!"
8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised "Mine says I'm 4 to 6."
10.. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said.. "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."
12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
"No," said another. "He's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close."They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."
13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."
14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!
15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.
2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 80. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.
6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!"
8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised "Mine says I'm 4 to 6."
10.. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said.. "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."
12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
"No," said another. "He's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close."They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."
13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."
14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!
15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.
moreluck
golden ticket member
MY FAVORITE TEE SHIRT SLOGANS
Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with the software.
National Sarcasm Society. Like we need your support.
Heck is where you go when you don't believe in Gosh.
Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
Photography: the hobby for negative people.
My inferiority complex isn't as good as yours.
Cancel my subscription - I don't need your issues!
Physically Pffffffft!
Relish Today ... Ketchup Tomorrow.
Rock is dead. Long live Paper!
Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with the software.
National Sarcasm Society. Like we need your support.
Heck is where you go when you don't believe in Gosh.
Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
Photography: the hobby for negative people.
My inferiority complex isn't as good as yours.
Cancel my subscription - I don't need your issues!
Physically Pffffffft!
Relish Today ... Ketchup Tomorrow.
Rock is dead. Long live Paper!
moreluck
golden ticket member
Returning from a golf game, a father was greeted at the door by his four-year-old daughter. "Daddy, who won the golf game?" she asked. "You or Uncle?" "Your uncle and I don't play golf to win," he replied. "We just play to have fun." "Okay, Daddy," she said, "who had the most fun?"
moreluck
golden ticket member
You May Be A Farmer If...
* You've never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.
* You have used baling wire to attach a license plate.
* You have used a chain saw to remodel your house.
* You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide rate and yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wife's birthday.
* You have fibbed to a mechanic about how often you greased a piece of equipment.
* You have used a velvetleaf plant as toilet paper.
* You have driven off the road while examining your neighbor's crops.
* You have borrowed gravel from the county road to fill potholes in your driveway.
* You buried a dog and cried like a baby.
* You've never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.
* You have used baling wire to attach a license plate.
* You have used a chain saw to remodel your house.
* You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide rate and yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wife's birthday.
* You have fibbed to a mechanic about how often you greased a piece of equipment.
* You have used a velvetleaf plant as toilet paper.
* You have driven off the road while examining your neighbor's crops.
* You have borrowed gravel from the county road to fill potholes in your driveway.
* You buried a dog and cried like a baby.
moreluck
golden ticket member
A woman who had been married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she
was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.
Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color
dress are you looking for?
The bride to be said, "A long frilly white dress with a veil."
The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the
wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for
brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more
innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be
nice?"
"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness,
"I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it
or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time
bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died
as we were checking into our honey moon hotel. My second husband and I got
into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon hotel
that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each
other again."
"What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.
"That one was a Democrat," said the woman, "and every night for four
years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was
going to be, but nothing ever happened
was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.
Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color
dress are you looking for?
The bride to be said, "A long frilly white dress with a veil."
The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the
wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for
brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more
innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be
nice?"
"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness,
"I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it
or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time
bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died
as we were checking into our honey moon hotel. My second husband and I got
into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon hotel
that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each
other again."
"What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.
"That one was a Democrat," said the woman, "and every night for four
years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was
going to be, but nothing ever happened
moreluck
golden ticket member
STRESS AND LIFE LESSONS
A young lady confidently walked around the room while leading and explaining stress management to an audience with a raised glass of water. Everyone knew she was going to ask the ultimate question, 'half empty or half full?'... She fooled them all .... "How heavy is this glass of water?" she inquired with a smile.
Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. To 20 oz.
She replied , "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long I hold it.
If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm.
If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance. In each case it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes." She continued, "and that's the way it is with stress. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on."
"As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden - holding stress longer and better each time practiced.
So, as early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down. Don't carry them through the evening and into the night... Pick them up tomorrow.
1 * Accept the fact that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue!
2 * Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
3 * Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
4 * Drive carefully... It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker.
5 * If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
6 * If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
7 * It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
8 * Never buy a car you can't push.
9 * Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
10 * Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
11 * Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
12 * The second mouse gets the cheese.
13 * When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
14 * Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
16 * Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.
17 * We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.
18 * A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
19 * Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today.
AND MOST IMPORTANTLY
20 * Save the earth..... It's the only planet with chocolate!* (so far)
A young lady confidently walked around the room while leading and explaining stress management to an audience with a raised glass of water. Everyone knew she was going to ask the ultimate question, 'half empty or half full?'... She fooled them all .... "How heavy is this glass of water?" she inquired with a smile.
Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. To 20 oz.
She replied , "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long I hold it.
If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm.
If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance. In each case it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes." She continued, "and that's the way it is with stress. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on."
"As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden - holding stress longer and better each time practiced.
So, as early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down. Don't carry them through the evening and into the night... Pick them up tomorrow.
1 * Accept the fact that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue!
2 * Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
3 * Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
4 * Drive carefully... It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker.
5 * If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
6 * If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
7 * It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
8 * Never buy a car you can't push.
9 * Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
10 * Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
11 * Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
12 * The second mouse gets the cheese.
13 * When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
14 * Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
16 * Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.
17 * We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.
18 * A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
19 * Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today.
AND MOST IMPORTANTLY
20 * Save the earth..... It's the only planet with chocolate!* (so far)
moreluck
golden ticket member
This morning the muslim brotherhood warned the U.S.A that if it
continues to meddle in Libia, Egypt and other hotspots in the middle
east they intend to cut off America's supply of 7-11 and Motel 6
managers.
And if this doesn't yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be
next, followed by Dell, AT&T and AOL customer service reps.
Finally, if all else fails, they have threatened not to send us
anymore presidents.
It's gonna get ugly folks.
continues to meddle in Libia, Egypt and other hotspots in the middle
east they intend to cut off America's supply of 7-11 and Motel 6
managers.
And if this doesn't yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be
next, followed by Dell, AT&T and AOL customer service reps.
Finally, if all else fails, they have threatened not to send us
anymore presidents.
It's gonna get ugly folks.
moreluck
golden ticket member
A PARENT'S GLOSSARY OF KIDS KITCHEN TERMS:
APPETIZING: Anything advertised on TV.
BOIL: The point a parent reaches upon hearing the automatic "Yuck" before a food is even tasted.
CASSEROLE: Combination of favorite foods that go uneaten because they are mixed together.
CHAIR: Spot left vacant by mid-meal bathroom visit.
COOKIE (LAST ONE): Item that must be eaten in front of a sibling.
CRUST: Part of a sandwich saved for the starving children of another country.
DESSERTS: The reason for eating a meal.
EVAPORATE: Magic trick performed by children when it comes time to clear the table or wash dishes.
FAT: Microscopic substance detected visually by children on pieces of meat they do not wish to eat.
FLOOR: Place for all food not found on lap or chair.
FORK: Eating utensil made obsolete by discovery of fingers.
FRIED FOODS: Gourmet cooking
FROZEN: Condition of children's jaws when Spinach is served.
FRUIT: A natural sweet not to be confused with dessert.
GERMS: The only thing kids will share freely.
KITCHEN: The only room not used when eating crumbly snacks.
LEFTOVERS: Commonly described as "gross."
LIVER: A food that affects genes, creating a hereditary dislike.
LOLLIPOP: A snack provided by people who don't have to pay dental bills.
MACARONI: Material for a collage.
MEASURING CUP: A kitchen utensil that is stored in the sandbox.
NAPKIN: Any warm cloth object, such as shirt or pants.
NATURAL FOOD: Food eaten with unwashed hands.
NUTRITION: Secret war waged by parents using direct commands, camouflage, and constant guard duty.
PLATE: A breakable Frisbee.
REFRIGERATOR: A very expensive and inefficient room air conditioner when not being used as an art gallery.
SALIVA: A medium for blowing bubbles.
SODA POP: Shake'N Spray.
TABLE: A place for storing gum.
TABLE LEG: Percussion instrument
THIRSTY: How your child feels after you've said your final "good night."
VEGETABLE: A basic food known to satisfy kid's hunger —but only by sight.
WATER: The cola of underdeveloped countries.
APPETIZING: Anything advertised on TV.
BOIL: The point a parent reaches upon hearing the automatic "Yuck" before a food is even tasted.
CASSEROLE: Combination of favorite foods that go uneaten because they are mixed together.
CHAIR: Spot left vacant by mid-meal bathroom visit.
COOKIE (LAST ONE): Item that must be eaten in front of a sibling.
CRUST: Part of a sandwich saved for the starving children of another country.
DESSERTS: The reason for eating a meal.
EVAPORATE: Magic trick performed by children when it comes time to clear the table or wash dishes.
FAT: Microscopic substance detected visually by children on pieces of meat they do not wish to eat.
FLOOR: Place for all food not found on lap or chair.
FORK: Eating utensil made obsolete by discovery of fingers.
FRIED FOODS: Gourmet cooking
FROZEN: Condition of children's jaws when Spinach is served.
FRUIT: A natural sweet not to be confused with dessert.
GERMS: The only thing kids will share freely.
KITCHEN: The only room not used when eating crumbly snacks.
LEFTOVERS: Commonly described as "gross."
LIVER: A food that affects genes, creating a hereditary dislike.
LOLLIPOP: A snack provided by people who don't have to pay dental bills.
MACARONI: Material for a collage.
MEASURING CUP: A kitchen utensil that is stored in the sandbox.
NAPKIN: Any warm cloth object, such as shirt or pants.
NATURAL FOOD: Food eaten with unwashed hands.
NUTRITION: Secret war waged by parents using direct commands, camouflage, and constant guard duty.
PLATE: A breakable Frisbee.
REFRIGERATOR: A very expensive and inefficient room air conditioner when not being used as an art gallery.
SALIVA: A medium for blowing bubbles.
SODA POP: Shake'N Spray.
TABLE: A place for storing gum.
TABLE LEG: Percussion instrument
THIRSTY: How your child feels after you've said your final "good night."
VEGETABLE: A basic food known to satisfy kid's hunger —but only by sight.
WATER: The cola of underdeveloped countries.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Proof that our kids are exposed to absolutely too many TV ads
Last night on a plane back home from Dallas to Tyler,
I was sitting with a friend I've known for many years, talking about church and a whole lot of political things. Being a US Congressman, Louie visits a lot of different churches in the area throughout the year and he told me of what happened in a local church on this past Easter that made me roll with laughter, to the point of tears.
>
The pastor of this Baptist church had called all of the little children
to the front of the church, dressed in their cute Easter outfits and had
them sit around him.
He said "Today is Easter and you all look so handsome and beautiful.
Today we're going to talk about the resurrection. Does anyone know what
the resurrection is?"
One little boy raised his hand, and the pastor
said "Please tell us what the resurrection is".
The boy, proud that he knew the answer, said in a clear loud voice
"When you get one lasting more than four hours, you gotta call a doctor!"
It took a solid 10 minutes before the pastor could speak and there was so much laughter going on that his sermon was probably forgotten - but that little boy's voice won't be.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Old one, but still funny!
Mary Ellen
A man is sitting reading his newspaper when his wife sneaks up and
whacks him real hard on the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" he asks.
"That was for the piece of paper in your trousers pocket with the name
of Mary Ellen written on it" she replies.
"Don't be silly," he says, "Two weeks ago when I went to the races,
Mary Ellen was the name of one of the horses I bet on."
She seems satisfied at this and apologizes.
Three days later, he is again sitting in his chair reading when she
nails him with an even bigger frying pan, instantly knocking him out
cold.
When he comes around he asks: "What was that for?"
"Your horse phoned!"
Mary Ellen
A man is sitting reading his newspaper when his wife sneaks up and
whacks him real hard on the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" he asks.
"That was for the piece of paper in your trousers pocket with the name
of Mary Ellen written on it" she replies.
"Don't be silly," he says, "Two weeks ago when I went to the races,
Mary Ellen was the name of one of the horses I bet on."
She seems satisfied at this and apologizes.
Three days later, he is again sitting in his chair reading when she
nails him with an even bigger frying pan, instantly knocking him out
cold.
When he comes around he asks: "What was that for?"
"Your horse phoned!"
moreluck
golden ticket member
At a workshop on dog temperament, the instructor noted that a test for a canine's disposition was for an owner to fall down and act hurt. A dog with poor temperament would try to bite the person, whereas a good dog would lick his owner's face or show concern. Once, while eating pizza in the living room, I decided to try out this theory on my two dogs. I stood up, clutched my heart, let out a scream and collapsed on the floor. The dogs looked at me, glanced at each other and raced to the coffee table for my pizza.
moreluck
golden ticket member
ICE CREAM !!!
In honor of the 44th President of the United States, Baskin-Robbins
Ice Cream has introduced a new flavor: Barocky Road
Barocky Road is a blend of half vanilla, half chocolate, and
surrounded by nuts and flakes. The vanilla portion of the mix is not
openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient.
The nuts and flakes are all plentiful.
The cost is $92.84 per scoop...so out of a hundred dollar bill you are
at least promised some CHANGE..!
When purchased it will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone,
but after you pay for it, the ice cream is taken out of the cone and
given to the person in line behind you at no charge.
You are left With an
Almost empty wallet, staring at an empty cone and wondering what just
happened. Then you realize this is what "redistribution of wealth" is
all about.
Aren't you just stimulated?
In honor of the 44th President of the United States, Baskin-Robbins
Ice Cream has introduced a new flavor: Barocky Road
Barocky Road is a blend of half vanilla, half chocolate, and
surrounded by nuts and flakes. The vanilla portion of the mix is not
openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient.
The nuts and flakes are all plentiful.
The cost is $92.84 per scoop...so out of a hundred dollar bill you are
at least promised some CHANGE..!
When purchased it will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone,
but after you pay for it, the ice cream is taken out of the cone and
given to the person in line behind you at no charge.
You are left With an
Almost empty wallet, staring at an empty cone and wondering what just
happened. Then you realize this is what "redistribution of wealth" is
all about.
Aren't you just stimulated?
moreluck
golden ticket member
THE SCOTTISH COW .
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The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite
cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Scotland . It was absolutely wonderful, it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed..
The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.
If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this
before asking,
"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland .
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland ?
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye:
"My wife is from Scotland "
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The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite
cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Scotland . It was absolutely wonderful, it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed..
The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.
If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this
before asking,
"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland .
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland ?
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye:
"My wife is from Scotland "
moreluck
golden ticket member
Laws of Household Physics........
Ever notice that the laws of household physics are every bit as real as every other law in the universe? Here are a few examples:
1. A child's eagerness to assist in any project varies in inverse proportion to the ability to actually do the work involved.
2. Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one.
3. A newly washed window gathers dirt at double the speed of an unwashed window.
4. The availability of a ballpoint pen is inversely proportional to how badly it is needed.
5. The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will fill a two-car garage.
6. Three children plus two cookies equals a fight.
7. The potential for disaster is in direct proportion to the number of TV remote controls divided by the number of viewers.
8. The number of doors left open varies inversely with the outdoor temperature.
9. The capacity of any hot water heater is equal to one and one- half sibling showers.
10. What goes up must come down, except for bubble gum, kites and slightly used Rice Krispies.
11. Place two children in a room full of toys and they will both want to play with the same toy.
Ever notice that the laws of household physics are every bit as real as every other law in the universe? Here are a few examples:
1. A child's eagerness to assist in any project varies in inverse proportion to the ability to actually do the work involved.
2. Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one.
3. A newly washed window gathers dirt at double the speed of an unwashed window.
4. The availability of a ballpoint pen is inversely proportional to how badly it is needed.
5. The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will fill a two-car garage.
6. Three children plus two cookies equals a fight.
7. The potential for disaster is in direct proportion to the number of TV remote controls divided by the number of viewers.
8. The number of doors left open varies inversely with the outdoor temperature.
9. The capacity of any hot water heater is equal to one and one- half sibling showers.
10. What goes up must come down, except for bubble gum, kites and slightly used Rice Krispies.
11. Place two children in a room full of toys and they will both want to play with the same toy.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Bumper Stickers.................
Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
Adrenalin is my drug of choice.
Adults are just kids with money.
Age is a high price to pay for maturity.
Air Pollution Is A Mist-Demeaner
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
Adrenalin is my drug of choice.
Adults are just kids with money.
Age is a high price to pay for maturity.
Air Pollution Is A Mist-Demeaner
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Pick-up Lines................
If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
All those curves, and me with no brakes.
Do you know the difference between a hamburger and a blow job? No!? Wanna do lunch?
Are your legs tired? You've been running through my mind all day long.
Can I borrow a quarter? I want to call my mom and tell I just met the girl of my dreams.
Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
A woman asks, "Excuse me, do you have the time?" Man answers, "Yes, do you have the energy?"
Can I have directions to your heart?
Can I have your phone number? I seem to have lost mine.
If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
All those curves, and me with no brakes.
Do you know the difference between a hamburger and a blow job? No!? Wanna do lunch?
Are your legs tired? You've been running through my mind all day long.
Can I borrow a quarter? I want to call my mom and tell I just met the girl of my dreams.
Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
A woman asks, "Excuse me, do you have the time?" Man answers, "Yes, do you have the energy?"
Can I have directions to your heart?
Can I have your phone number? I seem to have lost mine.
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