Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Body Statistics

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men who've read this are still busy checking their thumbs.

 

[moreluck]

Bumper Stickers...............

All generalizations are false.

All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.

All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.

All Men Are Idiots... And I Married Their King.

All my drinking buddies have a racing problem.

All stressed out and nobody to choke!

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Always Remember: You’re Unique, Just Like Everyone Else.

 

[moreluck]

Praying

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."

The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.
Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."

Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

 

[moreluck]

They're back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:








The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.


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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'


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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.


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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.


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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.


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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.


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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.


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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.


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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.


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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.


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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.


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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.


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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.


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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.


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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.


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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow


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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.


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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.


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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.


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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.


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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.


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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.


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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.


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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

 

[moreluck]

Depressed :
Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel ,
"Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead
you to the Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said,
"Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this
is the Promised Land."

Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the
price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the
economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement
funds, etc .... I called a Suicide Hotline.

I had to press 1 for English.

I was connected to a call center in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal.

They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck......

Folks, we're screwed.

 

[moreluck]

12 REASONS TO BE THANKFUL YOU BURNED THE TURKEY

1. Salmonella won’t be a concern.

2. Everyone will think your turkey is Cajun blackened.

3. Uninvited guests will think twice next year.

4. Your cheese broccoli lima bean casserole will gain newfound appreciation.

5. Pets won’t bother to pester you for scraps.

6. No one will overeat.

7. The smoke alarm was due for a test.

8. Carving the bird will provide a good cardiovascular workout.

9. You'll get to the desserts even quicker.

10. After dinner, the guys can take the bird to the yard and play football.

11. The less turkey Uncle You-Know-Who eats, the less likely he will be to walk around with his pants unbuttoned.

12. You won’t have to face three weeks of turkey sandwiches.

 

[Big Babooba]

Re: Heard any good ones?

[h=5]Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

'What in bag?' asked the old woman .

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

'Good trade.....'
[/h]

 

[moreluck]

ISN'T SCIENCE FASCINATING
Dead Penguins - I never knew this!

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ?



Where do they go?

Wonder no more ! ! !



It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird
which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life,
as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members
of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:



"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?

It's just so easy to fool OLD people. I am sorry, an urge came over me that made me do it!!!



Oh quit whining I fell for it, too.....

 

[moreluck]

TRUE LOVE STORY

A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed. As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do.

Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.
In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get
it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store.”
He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."

 

[moreluck]

Bumper Stickers

Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.

ANGER IS MERELY DEPRESSION WITHOUT ENTHUSIASM!

Another brilliant mind ruined by higher education.

Anything Free Is Worth What You Pay For It

Are you following Jesus this close?

As Long As There Are Tests, There Will Be Prayer In Public Schools.

Ask me about micro waving cats for fun and profit.

Ask me about my vow of silence.

Ass, gas or grass, nobody rides for free.
​

 

[moreluck]

Camping Tips
​

* Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.

* A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.

* A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.

* In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.

* The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.

* It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home.

 

[soberups]

Q: What has 9 arms and sucks?

A: Def Leppard

 

[soberups]

Q: What did the man do after he ate all of his clothes?

A: He his pants.

 

[serenity now]

why are fish so thin?

they eat other fish.

 

[moreluck]

Memory Test

Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test.
The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three?"
"274" was his reply.
The doctor worriedly says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"
"Tuesday" replies the second man.
The doctor sadly says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"?
"Nine" says the third man.
"That's great!" exclaims the doctor. "How did you get that"?
"Jeez, Doc, it's pretty simple," says the third man. "I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

 

[moreluck]

Irony: the opposite of wrinkly

To save time, let's assume I know everything.

If it moves, it's Biology.
If it stinks, it's Chemistry.
If it doesn't work, It's Physics.

I don't expect everything handed to me. Just set it down wherever.

If you can't stand the heat, don't tickle the dragon.

Take a deep breath. You're at the lake now.

Grammar Police: To correct and to serve.

Earth without art is just "eh" .

Incorrigible.....please do not incorrige.

Listen & Silent have the same letters. Coincidence?

If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-Turns.

Promise me you'll always remember:
You're braver than you believe, and stronger
than you seem,and smarter than you think"

~Christopher Robin to Pooh~

 

[moreluck]

The Family Tree
​

In my search of the family tree, it was pretty exciting to learn my great-grandparents in the Appalachian Mountains were pioneers in iron and steel.
I could hardly stand the excitement until I learned the truth that Great-Grandma stayed home and ironed while Great-Grandpa went off to steal.

 

[moreluck]

This is my neighbor.......

She's single...
She lives right across the street.
I can see her house from my living room.
I watched as she got home from work this evening.
I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway.
She knocked on my door...
I rushed to open it.
She looks at me, and says, "I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this
strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long!
Are you busy tonight?"
I immediately replied, "Nope, I'm free... I have no plans at all!"
Then she said, "Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?"

It sucks being a senior citizen!!!

 

[moreluck]

Son: Dad, I heard that in ancient China,
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.

Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!

 

[moreluck]

Belligerent Bear posted: 11/30/2012


A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says again, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."

The bear goes to the end of the bar and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states yet again, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings that are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm not on drugs."

The bartender says, "You are now, that was a Barbitchyouate."