Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

A WISH TO LIVE FOREVER



I met a fairy who said she would grant me one wish.

Immediately I said, "I want to live forever."

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."



"OK," I said, "Then, I want to die after Congress gets its head out of its ass!"



The fairy replied, "You crafty bastard."

 

[moreluck]

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect backwoods camping and fishing trip.

Two days before the group is to leave, Frank's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Frank's friends are very upset that he can't go but, what can they do..

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Frank sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and fish cooking on the... fire. "Damn man! How long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since yesterday.

The night before yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?" I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over. She had handcuffs and ropes on the bed! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said "Do whatever you want!" "So here I am.

 

[moreluck]

On a hot summer day, a country bumpkin came into town with his dog. He tied the dog under the shade of a tree and went into the bar for a cold beer.

About 20 minutes later a policeman came into the bar and asked who owned the dog tied under the tree. The bumpkin said that it was his. The policeman said, "Your dog seems to be in heat."

The bumpkin replies, "No way dog's in heat...she's cool kawse I got 'er tied unner the shade tree."
The policeman says, 'No! You don't understand your dog needs to be bred.'

"No way,' the bumpkin says, 'dog don't need bread, she ain't hongry, kawse I fed 'ER beef jerky this mornin'."
Now the policeman gets mad and yells out; 'NO! You don't seem to understand, your dog wants to have sex!'

The redneck looks at him with a long pause and says,
"Go 'head. I always wanted a police dog."

 

[moreluck]

Converted Jew.....


Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100."

The one says to the other, "should we do it??" The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?" The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm gonna do it."

So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out. The friend says "well, did you get the money?" He replies "Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it??"

 

[moreluck]

What I Dun in Texas
​

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.

He went back into the bar, flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

"All right, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my hoss ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled-up and started riding out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say pardner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

 

[moreluck]

Doggies for exercise........

You've seen those ads on TV promising amazing results from all sorts of contraptions. Well, there's no need to invest in fancy equipment. If you have (or can borrow) a dog, you have everything you need to get in shape now!!! The following exercises can be done anywhere, anytime.

* Upper Body Strength: Lift the dog - off the couch, off the bed, out of the flower bed. Repeat, repeat, repeat. As the dog ages, this exercise is reversed onto the couch, onto the bed, into the car and so on.

* Balance and Coordination, Exercise 1: Remove your puppy from unsuitable tight places. If they're too small for him, they're certainly too small for you. Do it anyway!

* Balance and Coordination, Exercise 2: Practice not falling when your dog bounds across the full length of the room, sails through the air, and slams both front paws into your chest.

* Balance and Coordination, Exercise 3: (for use with multiple dogs) Remove all dogs from lap and answer the phone before it stops ringing.

* Upper Arms: Throw the ball. Throw the squeaky toy. Throw the Frisbee. Repeat until nauseous.

* Upper Arms: (alternate) Tug the rope. Tug the pull toy. Tug the sock. Repeat until your shoulder is dislocated or the dog gives up (we all know which comes first).

* Hand Coordination: Remove foreign object from dog's locked jaw. This exercise is especially popular with puppy owners. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Remember, this is a timed exercise. Movements must be quick and precise (think concert pianist) to prevent trips to the vet, which only offer the minimal exercise benefit of jaw firming clenches.

* Calves: After the dog has worn out the rest of your body, hang a circular toy on your ankle and let the dog tug while you tug back. WARNING: This is feasible only for those with strong bones and small dogs.

 

[moreluck]

LITTLE KNOWN ILLNESSES:

AFROPHOBIA: Fear of the return of the 70's hair styles.

ASPECT: What you get when you bend over in a chicken coop.

ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success by sucking up to the boss rather than working for it.

BAGGRAVATION, n. A feeling of annoyance and anger one endures at the airport when his/her bags have not arrived at the baggage carousel but everyone else's bags have.

BLAMPS: This is a wicked combination of bloating and cramps.

CAMPAIGN: Back ache from sleeping too long in a tent.

DEJA FLU: The feeling that one has had this cold before.

DEPOTPHOBIA: Fear associated with entering a Home Depot because of how much money one might spend.

HIPATITIS: Terminal coolness.

HYPOCOINDRIA: Fear of not having correct change.

HAIRPIECE SWIMPLEX: Rash caused by wearing a toupee in a pool.

HERPES CINEPLEX: Rash caused by movie tickets priced at $9.50.

KINSTIRPATION: (n.) A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.

OREOPOROSIS: Disorder caused by too many cookies, not enough milk.

OSTEOPORNOSIS: A degenerate disease.

SONSTROKE: An attack during the reading of a will.

VISACARDITIS: The heart-stopping sensation brought on by exceeding your credit limit.

AND.......... DOCTORS Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.

 

[moreluck]

WHEN THE GUY STOPS RUNNING, PLACE YOUR CURSOR ABOUT 1 INCH ABOVE HIS HEAD.


Click below:


[url]http://www.selfcontrolfreak.com/pakken.html[/URL]

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

Deductive Reasoning........


Having now been retired for a while, I sometimes have to create opportunities to keep my deductive reasoning skills sharp.

Mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a couple nice cold beers. The day was gorgeous, and the brew facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally, I thought about the age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reasoning behind my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case . . . still sharp as a tack.

 

[moreluck]

More from Little Johnnie......

A teacher asks each of the kids in class what they need at home.



Joey says "A computer." The teacher replies, "That would be very useful."

Kimmy says "A new lawn mower." and gets a similar response.

Little Johnny pops up and says "At my house we don't need anything!"
The teacher asks him to think again carefully, as everybody needs something.

Little Johnny replies, "No I'm sure. When Obama was re-elected,

I remember my dad saying,
'Well, that's the last friend*^%ing thing we needed

 

[moreluck]

Animals Thoughts
​

Dog: "They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl."

Goldfish: "Just because I have a three-second memory, they don't think I'll mind eating the same fish flakes ... Oh boy! Fish flakes!"

Dog: "Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already KNOW whose it is!"

Goldfish: "The wimpy knight never comes out of the castle to fight me for dominion over the fish tank. So I must continue patrolling, for I am lord and master!"

Parrot: "Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy clowns ever really give me a cracker? HECK, no!"

Dog: "Human legs that just tease."

Cat: "Why are these people in my house?"

Goldfish: "Oh, tap-tap-tap! There's a new one!"

 

[moreluck]

You know you're a Catholic if....

*you see Lent as a "free" weight loss program for your wife...

*hearing the word "friar", you never conjure up any images of chicken.....

*the word "mass" is never, ever used as an adjective......

*you think a Prima Donna is the holy level between a Madonna and Sainthood....

*St. Patrick's Day is your favorite Holy Day of Obligation...

*the words "Hail Mary" have nothing to do with a football pass...

*in an emergency, instead of dialing 911, you phone the prayer line...

 

[moreluck]

Registry on the first day back at school in Birmingham, ENGLAND





The teacher began calling out the names of the pupils:--

"Mustafa Al Khalili?" "Here"




"Ahmed El Khatib?" "Here"




"Fatima Al Hayek? " "Here"
"Ali Abdul Hamid?" "Here"
"Mohammed Bin Kadir?" "Here"
"Ali Son al Ein?" - silence in the classroom.
"Ali Son al Ein" - continued silence as everyone looked around the room.

The teacher repeated the call.

A girl stood up and said, "Sorry teacher. I think that's me. It's pronounced Alison Allen."

 

[moreluck]

The Afghan Quarterback

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The
only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all
the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he
couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in
Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young
Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a
hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.


BULLS-EYE!


"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect
arm!"


So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of
football; and the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.


The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the
coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his
mother.


"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"


"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says. “You are not
my son!"


"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've
won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands
of my adoring fans."


"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there
are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your
two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and
I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The
old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,


"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!

 

[moreluck]

Einstein

​

Albert Einstein arrives at a dinner party. He introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What's your IQ?" The man answers, "241."

"That is wonderful!" says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the universe. We will have much to discuss!"

Next, Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What's your IQ?" The lady answers, "144."
"That is great!" responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!"

Albert goes to another person and asks, "What's your IQ?"
The man answers, "51."

Albert responds, "How 'bout them Jets?"

 

[moreluck]

Female Scotties.......

I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking.

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"

One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"

So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

 

[moreluck]

GOOD OLD MUM......................




A Jewish daughter says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Nathan."


All he wants is sex, sex and more sex.
My vagina is now the size of a 50-cent piece
When it used to be the size of a 5 cent piece."

Her mother says,

"You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman,
You live in an 8 bedroom mansion
You drive a $250,000 Ferrari,
You get $2,000 a week allowance,
You take 6 vacations a year and
You want to throw all that away...

Over 45 cents?"



NOW THAT'S A JEWISH MOTHER!!!

 

[moreluck]

Too many emails...

Well, it finally happened.

I've been sending so many e-mails lately, that my cursor actually overheated.

Check it out for yourself.

Click Here

 

[CaliforniaPaul]

Men are so romantic



A wife being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text...

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you."

He replied... "I am taking a dump. What should I do?"