Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Who To Marry.......by kids

-You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

-No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10


2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10


3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8


4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8


5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8
(isn't she a treasure)

-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10


6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
-When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7

-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- - Howard, age 8


7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child )


8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is.......


9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.-- Ricky, age 10 WOW! This kid is going to be a good husband!!

 

[moreluck]

SOME QUESTIONABLES

Don't leave your new boyfriend alone with your father. Dad may say to him. "So, I hear you're going out with my only daughter. Then, you must be "'a person of interest!'"

The food poisoning outbreak was traced to one specific fish in Washington State. The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service had, fortunately, labeled it Salmon Ella.

Why don't they label asparagus, 'will definitely lead to smelly leeks.' I think they mean leaks, but maybe, if one buys fresh asparagus, the leeks are just nearby!

The former First Lady's book, 'It Takes A Village' is considered by many historians to derive from Attila the Hun's Decrees, 'It Takes A Pillage.'

While learning about germs, the young student raised his hand and then said to the teacher, "My dad's foot was really infected the other day. Was that tic-tac-toe?"

If there are ocean currents are there ocean pasts?

If they garnish your food, do they take some of it away before you start or are actually eating it?

What is the best-selling ice cream flavor in the capitol of the Philippines? Why Manila, of course!

Can tuna fish?

Did canned tuna already fish?

Is it true that poor artists use non palatable colors?

Worker bee, Sammi, asked his buddy in the hive, "Hey, Freddie, what is our owner doing now? I'm getting sleepy," to which Freddie replied, "Don't sweat it; he's only blowing smoke."

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

Baby laughing at dog eating | Funny Videos

 

[moreluck]

Thanks, Eric........

A Farmers Logic


You know there are so many TV channels,
Each one starved for new programs.
In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter
Seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease,
Arranged for an interview with a farmer who
Might have some theories on the matter.
The interview went as follows:

The lady reporter:I am here to collect information on the
Possible sources of Mad Cow Disease.
Can you offer any reason for this disease?

The farmer stared at the reporter and said …
Did you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?

Reporter:(obviously embarrassed):Well, sir, that's a new piece of information but what's the
Relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?

Farmer:Miss, did you know that we milk a cow twice a day?

Reporter:Sir, this is really valuable information,
But what about getting to the point?

Farmer:I am getting to the point, Miss. Just imagine,
If I was playing with your tits twice a day ....
And only screwing you once a year,
Wouldn't you get mad?

 

[moreluck]

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the
desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a
crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room
full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear
or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of
strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited
several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her
advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter...

Mess around with seniors and you're going to Lose.

 

[moreluck]

A LETTER TO THE CATS

Dear Cats, We need to talk.

1. When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two cats in the way.

2. The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

3. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.

4. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of cats sleeping; they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible.

5. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but feline sarcasm.

6. My CDs and DVDs are not toys for you and your friends to play with.

7. For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years and I know that feline attendance is not mandatory.

8. The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough. It should be such a simple change for you.

Sincerely, The Person Who Lives Here (and buys your food).

 

[moreluck]

Drunk..........

George met up with the guys at a local bar and proceeded to get drunk. After about three hours of guzzling liquor, George threw up all over his shirt.

"Darn!" he said. "The old lady is going to throw my a** out of the house for getting drunk and throwing up on my new shirt!"

Bill, George's best pal, gave George an idea of how to keep from getting in trouble with the wife. "All you got to do is have a $20 bill in your hand when you walk through the door," Bill said. "Then, when she accuses you of throwing up all over yourself, just tell her that some other drunk threw up on you and that he gave you 20 bucks to get the shirt cleaned."

When George got home, his wife was waiting for him in the living room. "I knew that your drunk a** would spew bile and booze all over that new shirt!" she said.

George replied, "Honey, let me explain! This drunken fool at the bar threw up on me and gave me 20 bucks to have it cleaned." His wife snatched the money out of his hand and observed that he was holding two $20 bills.

"Is that so?" she said. "Then where did the other $20 bill come from?"

"Oh, that's from the guy who peed on my pants," George said.

 

[moreluck]

ROMANCE

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting.."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me.."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck..."

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" she asked..

"To get my teeth ."

 

[moreluck]

DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTRE

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds
her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in
my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"

Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."

 

[moreluck]

OLD FRIENDS.......

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name.. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said,

"How soon do you need to know?"

 

[moreluck]

There was a bit of confusion at Ace Hardware this morning.
When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the local newspaper about the gun registry people running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking had finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!

 

[moreluck]

My wife, Bernice, and I were helping our priest clean the church. While my wife sprayed and wiped windows, Father Joseph and I set to work to remove wax drippings from the carpet. Armed with paper and an iron, we intended to melt the wax onto the paper, which could then be lifted. But even with an extension cord, we were 15 inches short of the wax. Discouraged, we sat on either side of the wax spill, discussing our options. After a few minutes, my wife came over, shaking her head in disbelief. She unplugged the iron and handed it to me saying, "It stays hot, you know."

 

[moreluck]

During these serious times, people of all faiths should remember these 4 religious Truths:

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.

2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.

4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters

 

[moreluck]

THE STUTTERING KITTEN FROM THE MOUTH OF A CHILD...YOU NEVER KNOW.


A teacher is explaining biology to her third grade students.

She says, "Human beings are the only animals that stutter." A little girl raises her hand, saying, "I had a kitty cat who stuttered."
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well,'' she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew It, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
The teacher exclaimed, "That must've been scary," The little girl said, "It sure was. My kitty raised her back, went 'Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say ',' the Rottweiler ate her!" The teacher had to leave the room.

 

[serenity now]

my impersonation of meeting a guy named Dave for the first time.........

" Hello, I'm Dave and you're wrong "

 

[moreluck]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk,a German, an Indian, several Americans(including a Hawaiian and anAlaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, aChinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, aVietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan,an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian,a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, aCook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian,a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino,a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans, ...walk into a fine restaurant. "I'm sorry," says the maitre d', after scrutinizing the group, "You can't come in here without a Thai. "

 

[moreluck]

THE HARVARD GRADUATES

Two young men who had just graduated from Harvard were all excited and talking effusively as they got into a taxi in downtown Boston.

After hearing them for a couple of minutes the cab driver asked, "You men Harvard graduates?"

"Yes Sir! Class of '94!" they answered proudly.

The cab driver extended his hand back to shake their hand, saying, "Class of '58."

 

[moreluck]

Cold Morning!!!

Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning:

"Windows frozen won't open."



Husband texts back:

"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."




Wife texts back 5 minutes later:

"Computer really screwed up now.”

 

[moreluck]

The Magician......

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.
The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician does in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat.

Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table!

Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all. One day the ship had an accident and sunk.

The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, with the parrot of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day, and another, and another. After a week the parrot finally
said: "OK. I give up. What'd you do with the boat?"