Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

SEVEN CLUES THAT YOUR DOG MIGHT BE
IN CHARGE

1. You bought a bigger bed so that the dog could have more leg
room.

2. You never forget to kiss your dog before you leave the house:
the same, however, cannot be said of your disgruntled spouse.

3. You
introduce yourself to every dog you meet as "(Your dog's name)'s
mommy/daddy."

4. Your dog's wardrobe is as large as yours.

5. You
let your dog have canine guests over; in fact, you insist that he / she
socializes.

6. You tell your dog secrets you wouldn't dare tell your
spouse.

7. You watch TV sitting on the floor, so that the dog can sit on
the couch behind you and rest his/her chin on your shoulder for a good view.

 

[moreluck]

The other night the front door was
accidentally left open and Shadow, my 125 lb. Giant Schnauzer was gone.

After unsuccessfully whistling and calling, I got in the car and went looking for
him.

I drove very slowly around the neighborhood streets for over an hour
checking out lawns, yards, bushes, etc. with no luck.

Finally I stopped
at the curb near a couple out for a walk and asked if they had seen a big black
dog.

Their response was, "You mean the one that's following your car?"

 

[moreluck]

OFFICE RULES

1. Preserve
thyself.

2. It is easier to fix the blame than to fix the
problem.

3. A penny saved is an oversight.

4, Information
deteriorates upward.

5. The first 90% of the task takes 90% of the time;
the last 10% takes the other 90%.

6. Experience is what you get just
after you need it.

7. For any given large, complex, hard-to-understand,
expensive problem, there exists at least one short, simple, easy, cheap wrong
answer.

8. Anything that can be changed will be, until time runs
out.

9. To err is human; to shrug is civil service.

10. There's
never enough time to do it right, but there's always enough time to do it over.

 

[moreluck]

Always been my favorite Easter funny!!

 

[moreluck]

THE REAL RULES OF GOLF

The
shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line
that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.

There are
two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces, and bounces just the way you meant to play
it.

You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch branch 90%
of the time.

Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently
make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the
universe.

If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply
try to lay up just short of a water hazard.

To calculate the speed of a
player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back swing by his handicap.
Example: back swing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing 300mph.

There are two
things you can learn by stopping your back swing at the top and checking the
position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the
glove.

Hazards attract; fairways repel.

You can put "draw" on the
ball, you can put "fade" on the ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the
ball.

A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not
yours.

If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your
ball is in the bunker.

If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the
footprint.

Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

 

[moreluck]

GOLF CART, n. [1] A popular
mode of transportation because, unlike a caddie, it can neither count,
criticize, nor snicker.

GOLFER, n. [1] a person who yells "fore," takes
six, and puts down five; [2] a guy who has the advantage over a fisherman - he
doesn't have to bring home anything when he brags he had a great day.

 

[moreluck]

On January 9th, a group of Pekin ,
Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off
the Murray Baker Bridge . So they stopped.

George, their
leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of
gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"
She says, "I'm
going to commit suicide."

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he
didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ... "Well,
before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, with no hesitation
at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a
long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

After
they finished, George gets approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and
even the State Trooper, and says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had
Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if
you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like
me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or
was pushed.​

 

[moreluck]

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping
at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating
through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her
horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the
intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in
mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very
serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands
up..

He took her to the police station where she was searched,
fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I
pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy
in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would
Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me
to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on
the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car."

 

[moreluck]

RULES OF ETIQUETTE FOR INEXPERIENCED
CATS:

If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot
manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. Shag is good!

Determine
quickly which guest hates cats. Sit on that lap during the evening.

He
won't dare push you off and will even call you "nice kitty." If you can arrange
to have cat food on your breath, so much the better.

For sitting on laps
or rubbing against trouser legs, select colors which contrast with your
own.

Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do
anything. Just sit and stare.

For guests who say, "I love kitties," be
ready with aloof disdain, claws applied to stockings or a quick nip on the
ankles.

Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open, stand on
hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once the door is opened for you, it is not
necessary to use it. You can change your mind. When you have ordered an outside
door opened, stand half in and half out and think about several things. This is
particularly important during very cold weather or mosquito season.

If
one person is busy and the other is idle, sit with the busy one. For book
readers, get in close under the chin, unless you can lie across the book
itself.

For ladies knitting, curl quietly into lap and pretend to dose.
Then reach out and slap knitting needles sharply. This is what she calls a
dropped stitch. She will try to distract you. Ignore it.

For people doing
homework, sit on the paper being worked on. After being removed for the second
time, push anything movable off the table -- pens, pencils, stamps -- one at a
time.

Get enough sleep during the daytime so that you are fresh for
playing at night between 2 & 4 a.m.

 

[moreluck]

IF A DOG WERE YOUR TEACHER (Author Unknown)

If a dog were your
teacher...These are some of the lessons you might learn...

When loved
ones come home, always run to greet them Never pass up the opportunity to go for
a joyride Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure
ecstasy

When it's in your best interest practice obedience Let others
know when they've invaded your territory Take naps and stretch before rising Run
romp and play daily

Thrive on attention and let people touch you. Avoid
biting, when a simple growl will do.

On warm days stop to lie on your back on the
grass. On hot days drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree. When you're
happy dance around and wag your entire body

No matter how often you're
scolded don't buy into the guilt thing and pout run right back and make
friends

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk Eat with gusto and
enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough Be loyal Never pretend to be something
you're not

If what you want lies buried dig until you find it When
someone is having a bad day be silent ..... ...sit close by.

 

[moreluck]

It seems that gene-splicing has
become a reality.
Now all those old jokes about crossing a parrot with a
centipede are within the realm of possibility. Here are a few
examples:

Cross an Indian monkey with a vine of the legume family and a
plant with yellow cup-shaped flowers will give you Rhesus Peanut
Buttercup.

Cross a Sasquatch and a baboon. It's a Sassoon that lurks in
the suburbs at night, catches unwary women and styles their hair.

Cross a
sheep dog and a baby of the carp family will get you a
Shag-carpette.

Cross a rabbit with an amoeba gives you an Amoebit. It can
multiply and divide at the same time.

Cross a racehorse with a hog and
you get a Thoroughpig.

Cross a sheep with a porcupine and you get a
Sheepupine. It not only supplies you with wool but will also knit you a sweater.

 

[moreluck]

The
4th Marriage...





A woman who had been
married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk
that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.




"Of course, madam,"
replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color dress are you looking
for?"





The bride to be
said, "I’m thinking of a long frilly white dress with a veil."




The sales clerk
hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of
that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the
first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean?
Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?"




"Well," replied the
customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a
white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my
marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride. You see, my first husband
was so excited about our wedding he died as we were checking into our honeymoon
hotel.

My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our
way to our honeymoon hotel that we had that wedding annulled immediately and
never spoke to each other again."




"What about your
third husband?" asked the sales clerk?







"That
one was a Democrat," said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just
sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing
ever happened."

 

[moreluck]

When a woman wears a leather
dress,

A man's heart beats quicker,

And his throat gets
dry,

He goes weak in the knees,

And he begins to think irrationally.

Ever wonder why?

Because she smells like a new truck

 

[moreluck]

HUMOR is my passion
because:

* Humor is the best medicine to stay happy and healthy, but we
all knew that already.

* Humor can help to reduce stress, and can aid in
the healing process.

* Humor can help all of us to cope in the most
depressing of situations and darkest of days.

* Research has shown that
the punch line, can increase the bottom line.

* Humor can help to create
a positive work place, which can be excellent for creativity and idea
development. Humor and creativity jest seem to go together.

* The ability
to laugh at ourselves, at all the crazy and silly things we all say and do is
healthy for our well-being.

* Humor can help bring people together, and
that is important in the work place, because teamwork is a top
priority.

* Humor can help us all to cope with the aging
process.

So, take plenty of vitamin H on a daily basis.

 

[moreluck]

*IS SEX WORK?*

*A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning
briefing to his
staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its
brewing, the
colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He
explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he
failed
to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of
just how
much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"
A Major chimed in
with 75-25% in favor of work .

A Captain said it was 50-50%. A
lieutenant responded with 25-75% in
favor of pleasure , depending upon his
state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel
turned to the PFC who was in
charge of making the coffee. What was HIS
opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has
to be 100%
pleasure."

The colonel was surprised and, as you might
guess, asked why.

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the
officers would have me
doing it for them."



*God Bless the
enlisted man.*

 

[moreluck]

How they make love.....

GOLFERS do it in 18 holes.

GYMNASTS mount and dismount well.

HACKERS do it with fewer instructions.

HAIRDRESSERS give the best blow jobs.

HAM OPERATORS do it with frequency.

HANDYMEN like good screws.

HEWLETT PACKARD does it with precision.

HORSEBACK RIDERS stay in the saddle longer.

HUNTERS do it with a bang.

INSURANCE SALESMEN are premium lovers.

INTERIOR DECORATORS do it all over the house.

INVENTORS find a way.

JANITORS clean up afterwards.

JEWELERS mount real gems.

JOGGERS do it on the run.

LANDSCAPERS plant it deeper.

LAWYERS do it in their briefs.

LIBRARIANS do it quietly.

LOCKSMITHS can get into anything.

LONG DISTANCE RUNNERS last longer.

MACHINISTS make the best screws.

MAGICIANS are quicker than the eye.

MAINTENANCE MEN sweep 'em off their feet.

 

[moreluck]

Try to do it without peeking at the answers. I got 100%............

Something for seniors to do to keep those "aging" grey brain cells active!

1. Johnny 's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. ...What was the third child 's name?

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers....What does he weigh?

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, ...what was the highest mountain in the world?

4. How much dirt is there in a hole ...that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

5. What word in the English Language ...is always spelled incorrectly?

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. ....How is this possible?

7. In California , you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. ...Why not?

8. What was the President 's Name...in 1975?

9. If you were running a race, ...and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

10. Which is correct to say,... "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, ....how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?







Here are the Answers

1. Johnny 's mother had three children. The first child was named April The second child was named May. What was the third child 's name?

Answer:Johnny of course

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

Answer: Meat.

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

Answer: Mt. Everest; it just wasn 't discovered yet. [ You 're not very good at this are you?]

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.

5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?

Answer: Incorrectly

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere

7. In California , you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

Answer: You can 't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.

8. What was the President 's Name in 1975?

Answer: Same as is it now - Barack Obama [Oh, come on ...]

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first.

10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh]

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big one.

 

[moreluck]

Just to let you know(read to the end)

As I approach my twilight years, I am struck by the inevitability that the party must end. And one clear, cold morning after I'm gone, my spouse will awaken in the warmth of our bedroom and be struck with the pain of learning that sometimes there isn't "anymore."



No more hugs, no more special moments to celebrate together, no more phone calls just to chat, no more "just one minute."




Sometimes, what we care about the most gets all used up and goes away, never to return before we can say good-bye, or say "I love you."




So while we have it, its best we love it, care for it, fix it when it's broken and heal it when it's sick.




This is true for marriage.....and old cars, and children with bad report cards, and dogs with bad hips, and aging parents and grandparents. We keep them because they are worth it, because we are worth it.




Some things we keep -- like a best friend who moved away or a son-in-law after divorce. There are just some things that make us happy, no matter what.




Life is important, like people we know who are special. And so, we keep them close!




Suppose one morning you never wake up, do all your friends know how you really feel? The important thing is to let every one of your friends know your true feelings, even if you think they don't love you back.




So, just in case I'm gone tomorrow, please rest assured I voted against that *******, Obama, both times.

 

[moreluck]

Be Thankful.........

Be thankful that you don't already have everything you desire. If you did, what would there be to look forward to?

Be thankful when you don't know something, For it gives you the opportunity to learn.

Be thankful for the difficult times. During those times you grow.

Be thankful for your limitations, because they give you opportunities for improvement.

Be thankful for each new challenge, because it will build your strength and character.

Be thankful for your mistakes. They will teach you valuable lessons.

Be thankful when you are tired and weary, because it means you have made a difference.

It's easy to be thankful for the good things. A life of rich fulfillment comes to those who are also thankful for the setbacks.

Gratitude can turn a negative into a positive.

 

[moreluck]

Why I mow my own yard ?

Lee Trevino: a true story, you gotta love him.

One day, shortly after joining the PGA tour in 1965, Lee Trevino, a professional golfer and married man,

was at his home in Dallas, Texas mowing his front lawn, as he always did.

A lady driving by in a big, shiny Cadillac stopped in front of his house, lowered the window and asked,

Excuse me, do you speak English?"

Lee responded, Yes Ma'am, I do."

The lady then asked, What do you charge to do yard work?

Lee said, "Well, the lady in this house lets me sleep with her."

The lady hurriedly put the car into gear and sped off.