Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Subject: Life of a Cowboy

An old cowboy walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut
and he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his
cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells
the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the
cleanest shave he's had in years.

But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had
swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied,"Just bring it back in a couple of days
like everyone else does".

 

[moreluck]

MILITARY/AVIATION WISDOM​

'If the enemy is in range, so are you.'
- Infantry Journal
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'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.'
- U.S. Air Force Manual
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'Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.'
- General MacArthur
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'You, you, and you... Panic. The rest of you, come with me.'
- U.S. Marine Corps Gunnery Sergeant
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'Tracers work both ways.'
- U. S. Army Ordnance
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'Five second fuses only last three seconds..'
- Infantry Journal
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'Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.'
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'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.'
- Unknown Marine Corps Recruit
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'If you see a bomb technician running, keep up with him!'
- USAF Ammo Troop!
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'Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death , I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing.'
- SR-71 pilot​

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'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.'
- Paul friend. Crickmore (test pilot)
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'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'
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'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.'
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'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.'
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'What is the similarity between Air Traffic Controllers (ATC) and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up,... the pilot dies.'
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'Never trade luck for skill.'
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The three most common expressions (or famous last words), in aviation are:
'Why is it doing that? 'Where are we?' And; 'Oh crap!'
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'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.'
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'Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!'
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'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.'
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'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you'
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
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'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.'
- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
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'If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.'
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'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.'
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As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives; the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, 'What happened?'
The pilot's reply: 'I don't know, I just got here myself!'
- Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)​

 

[1BROWNWRENCH]

I heard that last one used in Mad Max.

 

[moreluck]

Sir Isaac Newton may have discovered the laws of gravity, but here's a parallel set of laws that govern moms and dads:

A child's behavior will improve in proportion to the distance he/she is away from the parent.

Two is equal to two, except when referring to time. Two minutes of tantrum lasts 20 times as long as two minutes of quiet time.

The choice of a preschooler's best friend corresponds directly to the distance the friend lives from your house.

A child's enjoyment of a popular entertainment will be inversely proportionate to the parent's enjoyment.

The chance of a surprise visit by your parents-in-law is directly proportional to the size of the mess in your home.

A child will always eat exactly what she has loved for the past year... unless it is the only food in the fridge.

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Woman Stops Grizzly Attack With 25 Cal Pistol This is a story of self-control and marksmanship with an itsy bitsy shooter by a woman against a fierce predator.


What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself?


The Beretta Jetfire:





While out hiking in Alberta Canada with my boyfriend we were surprised by a huge grizzly bear charging at us from out of nowhere.


She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive.


If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire with me I would not be here today!


Just one shot to my boyfriend's knee cap was all it took…….the bear got him and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.


It's one of the best pistols in my collection……...

 

[moreluck]

CAT MIND GAMES

1. Stare with the exact same expression whether you're looking at nothing or an ax murderer.

2. Wait till your human lays out their clothes and decide this would be the perfect place to take a nap.

3. Race through the house, hair on end and stop in an attack pose. Then walk of nonchalantly. Repeat as necessary.

4. Play with invisible objects.

5. Wait till your human is asleep and jump up and start kneading any available body parts.

6. Do a figure 8 through your humans' legs while they are walking around the kitchen cooking something you won't get a bite of.

7. Before your human gets out of their bed, make sure you're napping in the bathroom doorway.

8. Leave gifts of small animal body parts in your human' s shoes. Then wait to be praised. Stalk off if not rewarded for your gift.

9. If you absolutely have to go to the vet, cling to your human's head, howling at the top of your lungs and spew hairballs on the vet.

10. Wait till your human is eating, then jump on the table and shed.

11. Using the litterbox at your human's mealtimes can be great fun.

 

[moreluck]

Pick-up Lines: If I gave you a sexy negligee, would there be anything in it for me?

Excuse me, do you want to screw, or should I apologize?

Are you free tonight, or will it cost me?

I think I could fall madly in bed with you.

Forget that. Playing doctor is for kids. Let's play gynecologist.

Hey baby, can I tickle your belly from the inside?

Here's a quarter....call your roommate and tell her you won't be coming home tonight.

Hey baby, let's go back to my place and get something straight between us.

I hope you know CPR, cuz you take my breath away!

Hi, do you know why you should masturbate with these two fingers? Because they're mine.

How about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up?

So... How am I doing?

I go down on the first date, how about you?

I have had a really bad day and it always makes me feel better to see a pretty girl smile. Would you smile for me?

I like every bone in your body, especially mine.

I looked up beautiful in the thesaurus today, and your name was there.

 

[moreluck]

I was glued to the TV. It looked like the pitcher would throw a no-hitter. My wife who thinks baseball is boring, wondered why the crowd was so excited.

"It's a perfect game," I told her. Do you know what that is?"

"Yeah," she said, "one that's over."

 

[moreluck]

GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS FOR A
PASTOR

Good News: The Women's Guild voted to send you a get-well card.
Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30.

Good News: The Elder Board accepted
your job description the way you wrote it. Bad News: They were so inspired by
it, they also formed a search committee to find somebody capable of filling the
position.

Good News: You finally found a choir director who approaches
things exactly the same way you do. Bad News: The choir mutinied.

Good
News: You baptized seven people today in the river. Bad News: You lost two of
them in the swift current.

Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically
the last three weeks. Bad News: You were on vacation.

Good News: The
youth in your church come to the rectory for a surprise visit. Bad News: It's in
the middle of the night and they are armed with toilet paper and shaving cream
to "decorate"

 

[moreluck]

THE REAL RULES OF GOLF

The
shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line
that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.

There are
two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces, and bounces just the way you meant to play
it.

You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch branch 90%
of the time.

Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently
make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the
universe.

If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply
try to lay up just short of a water hazard.

To calculate the speed of a
player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back swing by his handicap.
Example: back swing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing 300mph.

There are two
things you can learn by stopping your back swing at the top and checking the
position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the
glove.

Hazards attract; fairways repel.

You can put "draw" on the
ball, you can put "fade" on the ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the
ball.

A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not
yours.

If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your
ball is in the bunker.

If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the
footprint.

Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

 

[moreluck]

The Up Sides To Getting Older


At the root of every gray hair, there is a dead brain cell.

Someone had to remind me, so, I'm reminding you, too. Don't laugh.... It is all true!

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70 or beyond!

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run - anywhere.

4. People call at 9 PM (or 9 AM) and ask 'did I wake you?'

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.




6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.




8. You can eat supper at 4 PM.




9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.


11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.


14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

Forward this to everyone you can remember right now!




"Good friends are like stars...You don't always see them, but you know they are always there."

 

[moreluck]

Gravity: Not just a good idea, it's the law!

Gross ignorance: 144 times worse than normal ignorance.

Clock: A small mechanical device to wake up people without children.

Karaoke: A Japanese word meaning "tone deaf".

Opera: Where a guy gets stabbed in the back and sings about it.

Normal: A setting on a washing machine.

Health: The slowest possible rate of dying.

Poverty: Having too much month left at the end of the money.

Boy: A noise with dirt on it.

Sleep: That fleeting moment just before the alarm goes off.

Cynic: Someone who smells the flowers and looks for the casket.

Witlag: The delay between delivery and comprehension of a joke.

Skier: Someone who pays an arm and a leg to break them

 

[moreluck]

WEATHER FOLKLORE:

If crows fly low, winds going to blow; If crows fly high, winds going to die.

Whether it’s cold or whether it’s hot... We shall have weather, whether or not!

No weather is ill, if the wind is still.

NEWS and weather…they travel together.

A sunshiny shower won’t last half an hour.

Rain, rain go away...come back another day.

Clear moon, frost soon.

The moon and the weather may change together but change of the moon does not change the weather.

From twelve ‘til two tells what the day will do.

The more rain, the more rest...fair weather’s not always best.

When sea birds fly to land there truly is a storm at hand.

To talk of the weather is nothing but folly; when it rains on the hill, it suns in the valley.

It rains as long as it takes rain to come.

The sharper the blast, the sooner it’s past.

Yellow streaks in sunset sky, wind and daylong rain is nigh.

Year of snow, fruit will grow.

The chill is on, near and far, in all the months that have an ‘R’.

Rainbow at noon, more rain soon.

The south wind brings wet weather...the north wind, wet and cold together; the west wind always brings us rain...the east wind blows it back again.

When a cow tries to scratch her ear it means a shower is very near.

Onionskin is very thin, mild winter is coming in. Onionskin is thick and tough winter will be cold and rough.

Ice in November to walk a duck, the winter will be all rain and muck.

Rain before seven, quit by eleven.

When the stars begin to huddle the earth will soon begin to puddle.

Evening red and morning gray speed the traveler on his way. Evening gray and morning red bring down rain upon his head.

Rainbow in the east, sailors at peace. Rainbow in the west, sailors in distress.

Pale moon doth rain, red moon doth blow, white moon doth neither rain nor snow.

When the dew is on the grass, rain will never come to pass.

Rainbow in the morning, shepherds take warning; rainbow at night, shepherds’ delight.

 

[moreluck]

You're stuck between the Baby Boomers and Generations X'ers if...

1. You remember when Jordache jeans with a flat handle comb in the back pocket was cool
.
2. In your class picture you were wearing an Izod shirt with the collar up.

3. You know by heart the words to any Weird Al Yankovic song (Just eat it, eat it, don't make me repeat it...)
4. You ever rang someone's doorbell and said "Landshark!"

5. Three words: ATARI, IntelliVision and Coleco, sound familiar.

6. You remember the premier of MTV, in fact, you remember the Friday Night Videos before the days of MTV.
7. A predominant color in your childhood photos is plaid.

8. While in high school, you and your friends discussed elaborate plans to get together again at the end of the century and play Prince's "1999" until you passed out partying.

9. You remember when music that was labeled alternative, really was alternative. And when alternative comedy really was funny.

10. You took family trips BEFORE the invention of the minivan.
11 You rode in the back of the station wagon and you faced the cars behind you.
12. You've recently horrified yourself by using any one of the following phrases: When I was younger...When I was your age...You know,back when...
13. Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you actually learned the English language (Conjunction junction, what's your function....).
14. You ever dressed to emulate a person you saw in either a Duran Duran, Madonna or Cyndi Lauper video.
15. The first time you ever kissed someone at a dance came during either "Crazy for You" or "Leather and Lace".
16. You remember with pain the sad day when the Green Machine hit the streets and made our old Big Wheel quite obsolete.
17. The phrase "Where's the beef?" still doubles you over with laughter.
18. You honestly remember when film critics raved that no movie could ever possibly get better special effects than those in the movie TRON.
19. You had a crush on either Ted the photographer on The Love Boat, Gage from Emergency or Ponch the motorcycle cop from CHiPs.
20. Your hair at some point in time in the 80's became something which can only be described by the phrase, "I was experimenting."
21. You've shopped at a Benetton.

 

[moreluck]

I didn't know this about Las Vegas






Do Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips?

THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS,
BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.

NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.

SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.



THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.




YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU?

 

[moreluck]

Life just gets better as you get older doesn't it.

I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling
and I realized that I desperately needed to fart.

The place was packed
but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment
I timed my farts to the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs I
started to feel much better. I finished my coffee and noticed that
everyone was staring at me….

I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod with my
headphones….. and how was your day?

This is what happens when old people start using technology

 

[moreluck]

Pearly Gates

Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when two guys wearing dark hoodies, and sagging pants, arrive.
St. Peter looked out through the Gates and said, "Wait here. I’ll be right back."
St. Peter goes over to God's chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance. God says to Peter:
"How many times do I have to tell you? You can't be judgmental here. This is heaven. All are loved.
All are brothers. Go back and let them in!"

St. Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh. He returns to God's
chambers and says, “Well, they're gone."

“The guys wearing hoodies?" asked God. "No. The Pearly Gates."

 

[moreluck]

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[moreluck]

: Layman's Ten
Some words of wisdom ----




Someone has written these beautiful words.


We must read and try to understand the deep meaning of it.


They are like the ten commandments to follow in life all the time.





1. Prayer is not a "spare wheel" that you pull out when in trouble,


but it is a "steering wheel" that directs the right path throughout life.





2. Why is a car's windshield so large and the rear view mirror so small?


Because our past is not as important as our future.


Look ahead and move on.





3. Friendship is like a book. It takes


years to write, but it takes only a few seconds to burn.





4. All things in life are temporary. If it's going well, enjoy it


because it won't


last long. If it's going badly, don't worry. That won't last long either.





5. Old friends are gold! New friends are diamonds! If you get a


diamond, don't forget the gold! Because to hold a diamond, you


always need a base of gold!





6. Often when we lose hope and think this is the end,


God smiles from above and says, "Relax, sweetheart, it's just a


bend, not the end!"





7. When God solves your problems, you have faith in His abilities;


when God doesn't solve your problems, He has faith in your


abilities.





8. A blind person asked St. Anthony, "Can there be anything worse


than losing eye sight?" He replied, "Yes, losing your vision!"





9. When you pray for others, God listens to you and blesses them;


sometimes, when you are safe and happy, remember that


someone has prayed for you.





10. Worrying does not take away tomorrow's troubles, it takes


away today's peace.

 

[moreluck]

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