Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

The Christian Way to Call Someone a Bastard

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second
golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said
that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said,
"We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a
hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but
agreed to the terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.>

As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy
counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a
neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow
revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.
The Priest said,

"You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep
your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a
donation......

And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them.





May your troubles be less, Your blessing be more,
And nothing but happiness come through your door!

 

[moreluck]

Puns

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

 

[moreluck]

The liberals are asking us to give Obama time.
We agree...and think 25 to life would be appropriate.
--Jay Leno
America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
--Jay Leno

Q. Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?
A. Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
--Conan O'Brien

Q. What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A. A fund raiser.
--Jay Leno

Q. What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A. One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers, and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners.
--David Letterman

Q. If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it
started to sink, who would be saved?
A. America!
--Jimmy Fallon

Q. What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A. Bo has papers.
--Jimmy Kimmel

Q. What was the most positive result of the "Cash for Clunkers" program?
A. It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road.
--David Letterman

Q. Why did Al Gore get a nipple ring?
A. He heard that George Bush got a Dick Cheney.

Q. How can you spot Al Gore in a bunch of Secret Service agents?
A. He's the stiff one.

 

[moreluck]

The American Indian Counsel has requested that the NFL disassociate itself with
Indian Names.








Effective immediately, The Washington Redskins will therefore change their name
to the Washington Foreskins in honor of all the pricks in Washington, D.C.

 

[moreluck]

Irish 7-Course dinner.........

 

[moreluck]

Hot Coffee

I was eating breakfast with my 10-year-old Granddaughter
and I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?".

Without skipping a beat she said, "It's President's Day!".

She's pretty smart, so I asked her "What does President's Day mean?".

I was waiting for something about Washington or perhaps Lincoln.

She replied,"President's Day is when President Obama steps out
of the White House, and if he sees his shadow,
we have 4 more years of Bull**** !"

You know... it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose!

 

[moreluck]

Thanks Eric...

The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited.

Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on salesmanship.

Little Sally led off. "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly. "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit, and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good", said the teacher.

Little Debbie was next. "I sold magazines" she said, "I made $45, and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events

"Very good, Debbie", said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath.

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk.

"$2,467", he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes", said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes", echoed the teacher "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town", said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip &Chip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample. They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog poop!" Then I would say, "It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"



"I used the President Obama method of giving you some crap, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it's free, and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."

Little Johnny got five stars for his assignment.

Bless his heart.

 

[moreluck]

Thanks, Trisha......

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2079





“Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.”





“White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.”





“Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.”





“Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.”





“Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.”





“Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.”





“France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica. No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!”





“Last Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.”





“George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2080.”





“Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.”





“85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss. There are still scientist who argue for other answers.”





“Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.”





“Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba.”





“Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.”





“Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States.”





“Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4,532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays. People are continuing to cross into Canada for $2.00/gasoline”





“Massachusetts executes their last remaining conservative.”





“Supreme Court rules any punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.”





“A Couple Finally Had Sexual Harmony; They had Simultaneous Headaches.”





“Average height of NBA players is now nine feet seven inches with only 3 illegitimate children.”





“New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2080.”





“IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.”





“Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.”

 

[moreluck]

Changing Majors.......

A friend of mine has a daughter who started out as a psych major then switched to English Lit.
After that, she tried pre-law, which was followed by international affairs, history, and at present, she's in philosophy.
She may never graduate, but she's unbeatable at Trivial Pursuit.

 

[moreluck]

In honor of the 44th President of the United States,
Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream has introduced a new flavor:

Barocky Road

Barocky Road is a blend of half vanilla, half
chocolate, and

surrounded by nuts and flakes. The vanilla portion of the mix is
not
openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient. The nuts
and
flakes are all plentiful.
The cost is $92.84 per scoop...so, out of a $100 bill,
you are at
least promised some CHANGE.

When purchased, it will be presented to you in a large
beautiful cone,
but after you pay for it, the ice cream is taken out of the cone
and
given to the person in line behind you at no charge.

You are left with an almost-empty wallet, staring at
an empty cone and
wondering what just happened. Then you realize this is what
"redistribution of wealth" is all about.

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

By Junius P. Long



Food For Thought



If you can get arrested for hunting or fishing without a license,

but not for being in the country illegally ...



you might live in a country run by idiots.

If you have to get your parents’ permission to go on a field trip or take an aspirin in school,



but not to get an abortion ...



You might live in a country run by idiots.

If you have to show identification to board an airplane, cash a check, buy liquor or check out a library book,



but not to vote who runs the government ...



You might live in a country run by idiots.







If the government wants to ban stable, law-abiding citizens from owning gun magazines with more than ten rounds,



but gives 20 friend-16 fighter jets to the crazy new leaders in Egypt ...



You might live in a country run by idiots.







If, in the largest city, you can buy two 16-ounce sodas,



but not a 24-ounce soda because 24-ounces of a sugary drink might make you fat ...



You might live in a country run by idiots.







If an 80-year-old woman can be stripped searched by the TSA



but a woman in a hijab is only subject to having her neck and head searched ...



You might live in a country run by idiots.







If your government believes that the best way to eradicate trillions of dollars of debt is to spend trillions more ...



You might live in a country run by idiots.

If a seven year old boy can be thrown out of school for saying his teacher’s "cute,"



but hosting a sexual exploration or diversity class in grade school is perfectly acceptable ...



You might live in a country run by idiots.







If hard work and success are met with higher taxes and more government intrusion,

while not working is rewarded with EBT cards, WIC checks, Medicaid, subsidized housing and free cell phones ...



You might live in a country run by idiots.







If the government's plan for getting people back to work is to incentivize NOT working with 99 weeks of unemployment checks



and no requirement to prove they applied but can’t find work ...



You might live in a country run by idiots.







If being stripped of the ability to defend yourself makes you more "safe" according to the government ...



You might live in a country run by idiots.







If you are offended by this article, I'll bet you voted for the idiots Who are running, and ruining our great country.

 

[moreluck]

A big earthquake with the strength
of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East.


Two million Muslims die and more
than a million are injured.



Iraq, Iran, and
Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with
providing help to rebuild.



The rest of the world is in
shock.



The USA is sending troops to help
keep the peace.

Saudi Arabia is sending
oil.


Latin American countries are
sending clothing.

New Zealand and Australia are sending sheep,
cattle, and food crops.


The Asian countries are sending
labour to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure.

Canada is sending medical teams and
supplies.


GREAT BRITAIN, not to be
outdone, is sending two million replacement Muslims.


God Bless GREAT BRITAIN, darn
those Brits are smart!!

 

[moreluck]

Seniors still need newspapers
I was visiting my niece last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
"This is the 21st century," she said. 'I don't waste money on newspapers.
Here, use my iPad."
I can tell you this……………………

That fly never knew what hit him.

 

[moreluck]

UNDERSTANDING CORPORATE SPEAK:

Essentially complete: It's half done.

We predict: We hope to God!

Risk is high, but within acceptable ranges of risk: 100:1 odds, or with 10 times over budget using 10 times the people we said we'd employ.

Potential show stopper: The team has updated their resumes.

Serious but not insurmountable problems: It'll take a miracle

Basic agreement has been reached: They won't even talk to us.

Results are being quantified: We're massaging the numbers so they will agree with our conclusions.

Task force to review: Seven people who are incompetent at their regular jobs have been loaned to the project

Not well defined at this time: Nobody's even thought about it.

Still analyzing the requirements: See previous answer.

Not well understood: Now that we've thought about it, we don't want to think about it anymore.

Requires further analysis and management attention: Totally out of control!

Results are promising: Turned power on and no smoke detected -- this time...

 

[moreluck]

Doesn't It Follow...

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed (and eventually disfigured) and dry cleaners depressed?

Laundry workers could decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted! Even more, bedmakers will be debunked, baseball players will be debased, landscapers will be deflowered, bulldozer operators will be degraded, organ donors will be delivered, the BVD company will be debriefed, and even musical composers will eventually decompose. As a student, I spent all my time wishing to be detested and degraded.

On a more positive note though, perhaps we can hope politicians will be devoted.

 

[moreluck]

Maria the maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband said so.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'

Wife (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Senora; the gardener did.'

She got the raise...

 

[moreluck]

Dreaming Numbers......

I was walking down the street the other day when I saw my buddy Matt. I walked up to him and mentioned that I had the most bizarre dream the night before last. Matt listened intently as I told him that the dream consisted of one thing and one thing only. So I told him that all I had dreamt about was a huge glowing number "5." It was made of gold and sparkled with diamonds.
Matt's curiosity was peaked. I went on to say that the first thing that I did in the morning was to grab the daily racing digest and look up the fifth race.

Matt raised an eyebrow. So I told him that the #5 horse in the fifth race was named "The Fifth Element." Matt started grinning. Then I told Matt point-by-point what I did that day.

- I ate five bowls of cereal for breakfast and drank five cups of coffee

- I went for a five mile jog to clear my head

- I took a five minute shower

- I dressed in the fifth suit I found in my closet

- I sat in my car for five minutes before starting it up

- I drove to the racetrack and parked in the fifth stall in the fifth row

- I entered through the fifth admissions gate

- I bought five programs

- I went to the fifth betting window and bet $555 on the fifth horse in the fifth race

- I went and sat in the fifth row of the bleachers making sure there were five people sitting on either side of me.

I settled in and waited for the race to start.

"Well," said Matt. "Did the horse win?"

I frowned at Matt and said, "Stupid horse came in fifth."

 

[moreluck]

Why I Had To Change Hotels.........

Last week I checked into my hotel in Tampa and was a bit lonely. I thought,
I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone books like escorts and
such. I picked up the phone book and found an ad for a girl calling herself
Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right
curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful
legs..... Well, you get the picture!


I figured, what the heck, give her a call.


"Hello," the woman says . God, she sounded sexy.


Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in. "Hi, I
hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me
one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I
really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring
implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of
tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup
and whipped cream, anything and everything! Now, how does that sound?"


"That sounds fantastic," she says, "but you need to press 9 for an
outside line."

 

[moreluck]

Men's Rules.........



We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules
from the male side.

These are OUR rules:
Please note… these are all
numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we
do it. Don’t try to change that.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re
a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t
hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Saturday = sports. It’s
like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping
is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1.
Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this
one:

* Subtle hints do not work!
* Strong hints do not work!
*
Obvious hints do not work!
* JUST SAY IT!

1. ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ are
perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question

1. Come to us with
a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what
your girlfriends are for

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a
problem. See a doctor

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in
an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days

1.
If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us

1. If something
we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry,
we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell
us how you want it done, not both. If you already know best how to do it, just
do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say
during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and
neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default
settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We
do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act
like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the
hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an
answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere,
absolutely anything you wear is fine, Really

1. Don’t ask us what we’re
thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as:

*
Sex,
* Sport,
* Cars,
* or Computers

1. You have enough
clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a
shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the
couch tonight, but did you know men really don’t mind that, it’s like
camping