Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Worldwide Survey......



A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked
was:"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food
shortage in the rest of the world?"


The survey was a huge failure...


In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.


In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.


In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.


In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.


In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.


In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.


And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world"
meant.

 

[moreluck]

At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him.

"Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?'"

"And then what happened?" the officer interrupted.

"From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'"

 

[moreluck]

Back on January 9th,
a group of Pekin,
Illinois bikers were riding
west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they
stopped.

George,
their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group
of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the
railing, and says,

"Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that
railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit
suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't
want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before
you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did
just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by
another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a
big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State
Trooper, and then says,

"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had,
Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if
you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"

"My parents
don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she
jumped or was
pushed.

 

[moreluck]

.. always get a second opinion
before making that big Decision


The
doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is
that it will require castration.

You
have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine
and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the
pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He
wondered if he had anything to live for.He had no choice but to go under the
knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first
time
in 20 years, but he felt like he was
missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realised
that he felt like a different person.

He could make a new beginning and
live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and
thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit...'

He entered the shop and told the
salesman, 'I'd like a new suit..'

The elderly tailor eye d him briefly
and said, 'Let's see... Size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did
you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the
tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit it fit
perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the
mirror, the

salesman asked, 'How about a new
shirt?' Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said,
'Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right,
how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60
years.'

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit
perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the
shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said,
'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see...
Size 36.

Joe
laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years
old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You
can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base
of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

 

[moreluck]

(thanks,Eric)







Homesick
Snowbird?





I was in Ft. Myers,
Florida the other day and I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read: "I
miss Chicago."


So, I broke the
window, stole the radio, slashed two of the tires, added an Obama bumper sticker
and left a note that read, "I hope this helps!"

 

[moreluck]

Of Cows and Bulls.......

A bunch of cows and bulls are standing in a field. A huge gust of wind comes along and all the cows fall over, but the bulls just stand there, bracing themselves against the gale. So all the cows stand up and brush themselves off and go back to their business.

Pretty soon, a tornado blows through and all of the cows are knocked to the ground, but the bulls just munch on the grass. Next, a hurricane comes through and all the cows are knocked into the next pasture. The bulls just say "moo."

Finally, one of the cows walks up to one of the bulls and says, "Moo?

What's the mooing deal? How come the wind always knocks us for a loop and you just stand there unharmed ?"

"Isn't it obvious?" the bull replies. "We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down."

 

[moreluck]

Washing the Dog......

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery store picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

"Oh, no laundry," the boy said. "I'm going to wash my dog."

"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."

But the boy was not to be stopped. He carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said.

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."
"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."

"Oh? What was it then?"

"I think it was the spin cycle."

 

[moreluck]

(thanks Eric)

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social
Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my
driver's License to
verify my age.

I looked in my pockets
and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very
sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.

The
woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt
revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on
your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security
application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about
my experience at
the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have
dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'


And then the fight started...


________________________________


My wife was standing
nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with
what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat
and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I
replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."

And then the
fight started........

 

[moreluck]

Things to remember to be a good Dog:

1. I will not eat the cat's food before
he eats it or after he throws it up.

2. I will not roll on dead seagulls,
fish, crabs, etc., just
because I like the way they smell.

3. The Litter Box is not a cookie
jar.

4. The sofa is not a 'face towel'.

5. The garbage collector is not
stealing our stuff.

6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when
he's on the toilet.

7. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an
unacceptable way of saying 'hello'.

8. I don't need to suddenly stand
straight up when I'm under the coffee table.

9. I must shake the rainwater
out of my fur before entering the house - not after. (Eww RAIN?)

10. I will
not come in from outside, and immediately drag my butt across the
carpet.

11. I will not sit in the middle of the living room, and lick my
crotch.

12. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy', so when I play with him and he
makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

 

[moreluck]

Q. What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A.
One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers, and threats to society. The other
is for housing prisoners.
--David Letterman


Q. If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it

started to sink, who would be saved?
A. America!
--Jimmy Fallon


Q. What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A. Bo has papers.

--Jimmy Kimmel

The liberals are asking us to give Obama time.
We agree...and think 25 to
life would be appropriate.
--Jay Leno


America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
--Jay
Leno

 

[moreluck]

To Be In An Orchestra......

A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.
Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

 

[moreluck]

RULES FOR PILOTS OVER AGE SIXTY........

The changes that allow airline pilots to continue flying past age 60 have generated some interesting discussion.

The following rules for 'older' pilots were proposed at several major airlines:

1. All pants must fit and not be up in your armpits.

2. You must walk without shuffling your feet.

3. No Depends on the flight deck.

4. When using a toothpick, you must leave your teeth in your mouth.

5. If you need more than tri-focals, you are DONE! (period!)

6. No pictures of great-great-grandchildren.

7. Anytime you call the other guy "Sonny", he can hit you.

8. Never, ever mention AARP.

9. When in a restaurant with your crew, don't request the senior discount.

10. When checking into the overnight hotel, don't ask if the exercise room has shuffleboard.

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

The Goldberg Brothers - The
Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner





Here's a little fact for
automotive buffs or just to dazzle your friends.




The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell,
Norman, Hiram, and
Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner.
On July
17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.



The four brothers walked
into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into
telling him that four gentlemen were there with
the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric
starter.



Henry was curious and invited them into his
office.




They refused and instead
asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.





They persuaded him to get
into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and
cooled the car off immediately.





The old man got very
excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million
for the patent.










The brothers refused,
saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by
having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,'
on the dashboard of each car in which it was
installed.











Now old man Ford just
didn't want someone else's name going on two million Fords.











They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally
agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be
shown.





And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show --
Lo, Norm, Hi, and
Max -- on the controls.















Control yourself
!!!











Just forward it on
.



This is what happens when
you are retired and have too much time on your hands !!

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

A lawyer, an Illegal Alien, a Pathological Liar, a Muslim, a Communist, and a Black Guy walk into a BAR.





The Bartender says:







"What'll it be, Mr. President?"

 

[moreluck]

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself............and spiders.

Some people lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That's where I come in.

When you really want to slap someone, do it !! Just be sure to say "mosquito" when you do it.

Prayer.......the world's greatest wireless connection.

Dad's know a lot but grandpas know everything.

For the record.....the "silent treatment" is not a punishment.

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened.

 

[moreluck]

SENIOR PERSONAL ADS SEEN IN FLORIDA NEWSPAPERS...

Foxy Lady: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6"), searching for sharp-looking, sharp- dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

Long-term Commitment: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

Serenity Now: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

Winning Smile: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

Beatles or Stones? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.

Memories: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

Mint Condition: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.

 

[moreluck]

Dieting..............

You know it's time for a diet when:

You dive into a swimming pool so your friends can go surfing.

You have to apply your makeup with a paint roller.

Weight Watchers demands your resignation.

You step on a pennyweight scale that gives you your fortune and it says, "One at a time please!"

Your face is so full that you look like you're wearing horn-rimmed contact lenses.

The bus driver asks you to sit on the other side because he wants to make a turn without flipping over.

You're at school in the classroom and turn around and erase the entire blackboard

They throw puffed rice at your wedding.

You hiccup in your bathing suit, and it looks like some- one adjusting a venetian blind.

You fall down and try to get up, and in the process rock yourself to sleep.

 

[moreluck]

(thanks Eric)

The Little Red Hen 2013 Version

"Who will help me plant my wheat?" asked the little red hen.

"Not I," said the cow.

"Not I," said the duck.

"Not I," said the pig.

"Not I," said the goose.

"Then I will do it by myself." She planted her crop and the wheat grew and ripened.

"Who will help me reap my wheat?" asked the little red hen.

"Not I," said the duck.

"Out of my classification," said the pig.

"I'd lose my seniority," said the cow.

"I'd lose my unemployment compensation," said the goose.

"Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen, and so she did.

"Who will help me bake the bread?" asked the little red hen.

"That would be overtime for me," said the cow.

"I'd lose my welfare benefits," said the duck.

"I'm a dropout and never learned how," said the pig.

"If I'm to be the only helper, that's discrimination," said the goose.

"Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen.

She baked five loaves and held them up for all of her neighbors to see. They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share but the little red hen said, "No, I shall eat all five loaves."

"Excess profits!" cried the cow. (Nancy Pelosi)

"Capitalist leech!" screamed the duck. (Barbara Boxer)

"I demand equal rights!" yelled the goose. (Jesse Jackson)

The pig just grunted in disdain. (Harry Reid)

And they all painted 'Unfair!' picket signs and marched around and around the little red hen, shouting obscenities.

Then the farmer (Obama) came. He said to the little red hen, "You must not be so greedy."

"But I earned the bread," said the little red hen.

"Exactly," said Barack the farmer. "That is what makes our free enterprise system so wonderful. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants. But under our modern government regulations, the productive workers must divide the fruits of their labor with those who are lazy and idle."

And they all lived happily ever after, including the little red hen, who smiled and clucked, "I am grateful, for now I truly understand."

But her neighbors became quite disappointed in her. She never again baked bread because she joined the 'party' and got her bread free. And all the Democrats smiled. 'Fairness' had been established.

Individual initiative had died but nobody noticed; perhaps no one cared so long as there was free bread that 'the rich' were paying for.

EPILOGUE

Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs.

Hillary got $8 million for hers.

That's $20 million for the memories from two people, who for eight years repeatedly testified, under oath, that they couldn't remember anything.


IS THIS A GREAT BARNYARD OR WHAT?