Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

(Thanks, Trisha)

1. Johnny 's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. ...What was the third child 's name? 2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers....What does he weigh? 3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, ...what was the highest mountain in the world? 4. How much dirt is there in a hole ...that measures two feet by three feet by four feet? 5. What word in the English Language ...is always spelled incorrectly? 6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. ....How is this possible? 7. In California , you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg....Why not? 8. What was the President 's Name...in 1975? 9. If you were running a race, ...and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now? 10. Which is correct to say,... "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"? 11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, ....how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field? ANSWERS BELOW... Here are the Answers 1. Johnny 's mother had three children. Thefirst child was named April The second child was named May. What wasthe third child 's name? Answer:Johnny of course 2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh? Answer: Meat. 3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world? Answer: Mt. Everest; it just wasn 't discovered yet. [ You 're not very good at this are you?] 4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet? Answer: There is no dirt in a hole. 5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly? Answer: Incorrectly 6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible? Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere 7. In California , you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not? Answer: You can 't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures. 8. What was the President 's Name in 1975? Answer: Same as is it now - Barack Obama [Oh, come on ...] 9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now? Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first. 10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"? Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh] 11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field? Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big one.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD
1) You can't count your hair.
2) You can't wash your eyes with soap.
3) You can't breathe through your nose when your tongue is out.
Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.

 

[moreluck]

Two young guys were at a party in the woods when all of a sudden
there was a downpour of thunder and rain. The two ran for about
10 minutes in the pouring rain, finally reaching their car just
as the rain let up. They jumped in the car, started it up and
headed down the road, laughing and, of course, still drinking one
beer after the other.

All of a sudden an old Indian man's face appeared in the
passenger window and tapped lightly on the window! The passenger
screamed out, Eeeeekkk! Look at my window!!! There's an old
Indian guy's face there!" (Was this a ghost?!?!?!?)

The old Indian man kept knocking, so the driver said, "Well open
the window a little and ask him what he wants!" So the passenger
rolled his window down part way and said, scared out of his wits,
"What do you want???"

The old Indian softly replied, "You have any tobacco?"

The passenger, terrified, looked at the driver and said, "He
wants tobacco!" "Well offer him a cigarette! HURRY!!" the driver
replies.

So the passenger fumbles around with the pack and hands the old
man a cigarette, rolling up the window in terror and yells, "Step
on it!!!"

Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down and they start
laughing again. The passenger says, "What did you think of that?"

The driver says, "I don't know. How could that be? I'm going
pretty fast?"

All of a sudden AGAIN there is a knock on the window and the old
Indian man is looking in the window.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa! There he is again!", the passenger yells. "Well
see what he wants now! " yells back the driver. The passenger
rolls down the window a little ways and shakily says "Yes?"

"Do you have a light?" the old Indian quietly asks.

The passenger throws a lighter out the window at him, rolls up
the window and again yells, "STEP ON IT!"

They are now going about 100 miles an hour and still guzzling
beer, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard.

Suddenly, again there is more knocking! "Oh my God! HE'S BACK!"
He rolls down the window and screams out, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" in
stark fear.

The old man gently replies, "You want some help getting out of
the mud?"

 

[moreluck]

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining a pathologist.

Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?

Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.

 

[moreluck]

Well it happened just like Abbot & Costello predicted !!

 

[PT Stewie]

>

> Subject: A bit of Irish humour

>

>

> **********************************************************************

> ********************** An Irishman who had a little too much to drink

> Is driving home from the city one night and, Of course, his car is

> weaving violently all over the road.

> A cop pulls him over.

> "So," says the cop to the driver,

> Where have ya been?"

> " Why, I've been to the pub of course,"

> Slurs the drunk.

> " Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a
few to drink

> this evening."

> "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

> "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and Folding his
arms

> across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out

> of your car?"

> "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.

> "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

>

>

> **********************************************************************

> ******* Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, When Tim

> Finnegan arrives at her door.

> "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.

> "I've somethin' to tell ya".

> "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.

> But where's my husband?"

> "That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."

> There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

> "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

> "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus

> Is dead and gone. I'm sorry.

> Finally, she looked up at Tim.

> "How did it happen, Tim?"

> "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat Of Guinness Stout and

> drowned."

> "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth, Tim.

> Did he at least go quickly?"

> "Well, Brenda... No. In fact,

> He got out three times to pee"

> **********************************************************************

> ******** Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after His Sunday

> morning service, and she's in tears.

> He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

> She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.

> My husband passed away last night."

> The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.

> Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

> She says, "That he did, Father."

> The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "

> She says,

> He said,

> 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

>

>

> *********************************************************

>

>

> ANDTHE BEST FOR LAST

> A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, Enters a confessional booth,

> sits down, but says nothing.

> The Priest coughs a few times to get his Attention but the drunk

> continues to sit there.

> Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

> The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this

> side either!"

>

>

>

 

[moreluck]

Vladimir Putin allegedly said off the record:

"Negotiating with Obama is like playing chess with a pigeon.

The pigeon knocks over all the pieces, schitts on the board and then struts around like it won the game."

 

[moreluck]

It is all in the advertising!!!

Jose and Carlos are panhandlers...They panhandle on different areas of town. Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 2 to 3 dollars every day.

Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?".

Jose says, .... "Look at your sign, what does it say?"

Carlos sign reads, "I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support."

Jose says, "No wonder you only get $2-3 dollars."

Carlos says, "So what does your sign say?"

Jose shows Carlos his sign...It reads, "I only need another $10. 00 to move back to Mexico ."

 

[moreluck]

* Can you cry under water?

* How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

* Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'? But it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? What's that extra penny going to?

* Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

* Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

* What disease did cured ham actually have?

* How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

* Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

* Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

* Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

* Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

* Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

* Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

* Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

* Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

* If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?

* Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your bottom?

* Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

 

[moreluck]

40 Reasons Albuquerque sucks.........

1. It’s in New Mexico
2. Tumble weeds are God’s way of saying,”I will make you feel like you are in
   Hell.”
3. It’s high, about 5700ft above sea level, and if that’s not enough there is a
   5,000ft mountain you can climb.
4. Every road has a DUI checkpoint (for a good reason).
5. Casinos are third rate compared to Vegas.
6. Only about .0023% of the population is even attractive. (I am included in
   the .0023%)
7. Population is 546,000 and 78 per 1,000 people commit a crime here.
8. Homeless people are commonplace.
9. Prostitution is commonplace.
10. They actually have an area called the “warzone” which is home to gangs and
    heavy crime.
11. Wind is commonplace and on a daily basis can get up to about 30-40 mph.
12. You are far more likely to get wind burn than sun burn.
13. Heavy intersections are photo enforced, shows lack of available law
    enforcement and bad drivers.
14. It’s common to be asked for change while eating dinner at Carls Jr with your
    family.
15. Looking from the top of Sandia Peak you can see God forgot to do anything
    with this place.
16. It takes 30 minutes to get to the good side of town.
17. At night the town looks beautiful from the outskirts. Only at night, and
    only from the outskirts.
18. Biggest attractions are the Balloon Fiesta and Pink Mountains.
19. Comcast rapes you for 16Mb/s Internet.
20. Spanish is damn near a prerequisite to live here.
21. Goat Thorns, no need to say more…look it up if you don’t know.
22. Getting drunk and lost in the desert trying to walk, sucks.
23. Hardly any ethnic food places are worth mentioning.
24. Green Chile is not all that it’s hyped up to be.
25. Even Mexican food here is terrible, how did that happen?
26. Cacti
27. Roads are in terrible condition except where low crime areas are.
28. The common motto “Come on vacation, leave on probation.”
29. Rattlesnakes
30. Even Bugs Bunny never stopped here, he just took a left and kept going.
31. Plenty of second-hand smoke from Arizona wildfires.
32. Dust storms.
33. Rain is a mystical creature.
34. Everyone here either thinks they are a professional soccer player or their
    kids are.
35. Earth tones are popular, unless you live here.
36. Housing has developed in recent years, but ABQ still prides itself on adobe
    houses.
37. Cholos are still rocking the 1980′s.
38. Zeroscaping is common place, not out of choice, but necessity.
39. You would rather get beat up by a thug then a police officer.
40. Even the aquarium gets vandalized.

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

Do you know how to tell the difference between a real
Obamacare site and a scam site that's just trying to steal your personal
information ??



The scam site actually works.

 

[moreluck]

Loud Music.....








Life just gets better as you get older
doesn't it?




I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when
my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to fart.
The place was packed but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce
embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music. After a couple of songs
I started to feel much better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone
was staring at me. I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod. This
is what happens when old people start using technology.

 

[moreluck]

O-piphany - that sudden realization that everything you believed about Obama was wrong !

 

[moreluck]

Great Orators of the Democrat Party-PAST:

"One man with courage makes a majority." Andrew Jackson

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." Franklin D. Roosevelt

"The buck stops here." Harry S. Truman

"Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country." John friend. Kennedy


AND: Great Orators of the Democrat Party -PRESENT:

"It depends what your definition of 'Sex' is?'' President William Jefferson Blythe Clinton.

"Those rumors are false. I believe in the sanctity of marriage." John Edwards

"I invented the Internet." Al Gore

"The next person that tells me I'm not religious, I'm going to shove my rosary beads up their %@&." Joe Biden

"America is no longer, uh, what it, uh, could be, uh, what it was once was, uh, and I say to myself, uh, I don't want that future, uh, for my children." Barack Obama

"I have campaigned in all 57 states." Barack Obama (Quoted 2008)

"You don't need God anymore; you have us Democrats." Nancy Pelosi (Quoted 2006)

"Paying taxes is voluntary." Sen. Harry Reid

"Bill is the greatest husband and father I know. No one is more faithful, true, and honest than he is." Hillary Rodham Clinton (Quoted 1998)

"You have a business. You didn't build that. Someone else did!" Barack Obama (Quoted 2012)

"And what difference does it make." Hillary Rodham Clinton (Quoted 2012)

And the most ridiculous gem of wisdom, from the "Mother maroon Superior:"
"We just have to pass the Healthcare Bill to see what's in it." Nancy Pelosi (Quoted March, 2010)

HOW FORTUNATE WE ARE TO HAVE SUCH BRILLIANT MINDS IN CHARGE OF OUR ONCE-GREAT COUNTRY!!!
''Life is tough! It's even tougher when you're stupid.'' John Wayne

 

[moreluck]

You can't fix stupid !

I may be the black sheep of the family, but some of the white sheep aren't as white as they try to appear.

If you're not left handed...something isn't right.

If I was a bird, I know who I would crap on.

Ever feel that you are one away from completely losing it ??

I'm having one of those days when my middle finger is answering every question.

My day starts backwards...I wake up tired and go to bed wide awake.

When I was a kid I wanted to be older....this crap is not what I expected.

Geezer: Slang. Not young. Not dead. Somewhere in between.

I have stopped listening.....so why are you still talking ?

Jesus loves you, but I'm His favorite.

Lead me not into temptation......Oh hell, just follow me. I know a shortcut.

Sometimes I laugh so hard that tears run down my leg.

I may appear harmless, but inside I'm completely badass !!

Do not touch my tools or my daughter.

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is 2 hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.

I'm so busy, I don't know whether I found a rope or lost my horse.

I have OCD & ADD. So everything has to be perfect...but not for very long.

Poop happens...just pick it up and move on.

When life gets too hard to stand.......kneel.

SWEAT is fat crying !

Nothing makes me more productive than the last minute.

I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.

The first 50 years of marriage are the hardest.

Once in awhile someone amazing comes along.....Here I am !

 

[moreluck]

CHILDREN'S VIEWS ON ANGELS

"It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die.. Then you go to heaven, then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes." - Matthew, 9

"I only know the names of two angels: Hark and Harold." - Gregory, 5

"Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists know all about it now." - Olive, 9

"Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from holy cows." -Scooter, 6

"Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The basic message is where you went wrong before you got dead." - Daniel,7

"When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten, and when he lets out his breath, somewhere there's a tornado." - Regan,5

"Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good carpenter." -Jared, 8

"All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn't go for it." - Antonia,9

"Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the kid get over it." -Vicki, 8

"What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them." -Sarah, 7

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

As seen on t-shirts..........

Remember when being stiff in the morning was a good thing ?

Sometimes, life just sucks the jelly right out of your donut.

When did it change from "Of the people, By the people" to "Screw the People" ?

If you don't like me, it's not my fault. There's clearly something wrong with you.

Even duct tape can't fix stupid....but it can muffle the sound !

 

[moreluck]

Why can't mosquitos suck fat instead of blood ?

I could be a morning person if morning happened around noon.

Putting your phone away and paying attention to those talking to you ? There's an app for that. It's called RESPECT !!

 

[moreluck]

As seen on a mat at the front door......
Please knock soft, but firm....
Because I like soft, firm knockers !