Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2
- Thread starter moreluck
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moreluck
golden ticket member
Wedding Blessing.......
At a wedding ceremony that I was performing, I raised my hand to give the final blessing. The bride misunderstood my gesture and surprised me with a high-five. Not wanting to exclude the groom, I offered him a high-five, too.
I was finally able to get my blessing in, amid the laughter of the guests.
At a wedding ceremony that I was performing, I raised my hand to give the final blessing. The bride misunderstood my gesture and surprised me with a high-five. Not wanting to exclude the groom, I offered him a high-five, too.
I was finally able to get my blessing in, amid the laughter of the guests.
moreluck
golden ticket member
If one glass of wine is good for you just imagine what a whole bottle could do ?
I woke up. I lifted my arms. I moved my knees. I turned my neck....Everything made the same noise...CRACK ! I came to the conclusion that I'm not old, I'M CRISPY !
Before you judge me, make sure that you're perfect.
Lord, give me coffee to change the things I can and wine to accept the things I can't.
I considered , being a stay-at-home mom, but then I found out the kids would be there too !!
I live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.
I've reached that age where my brain went from saying "You probably shouldn't do that" to "What the hell, let's see what happens."
If only losing weight was as easy as losing my cell phone, my keys, my temper or even my mind.......I'd be so skinny !
I woke up. I lifted my arms. I moved my knees. I turned my neck....Everything made the same noise...CRACK ! I came to the conclusion that I'm not old, I'M CRISPY !
Before you judge me, make sure that you're perfect.
Lord, give me coffee to change the things I can and wine to accept the things I can't.
I considered , being a stay-at-home mom, but then I found out the kids would be there too !!
I live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.
I've reached that age where my brain went from saying "You probably shouldn't do that" to "What the hell, let's see what happens."
If only losing weight was as easy as losing my cell phone, my keys, my temper or even my mind.......I'd be so skinny !
moreluck
golden ticket member
- Old People are easy to spot at sporting events; during the playing of the National Anthem. Old People remove their caps, cover their hearts, stand at attention and sing without embarrassment. They know the words and believe in them.
- Old People remember World War II, Pearl Harbor, Guadalcanal , Normandy , and Hitler. They remember the Atomic Age, the Korean War, The Cold War, the Jet Age and the Moon Landing. They remember the 50 plus Peacekeeping Missions from 1945 to 2005, not to mention Vietnam .
- If you bump into an Old People on the sidewalk he will apologize. If you pass an Old People on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a lady. Old People trust strangers and are courtly to women and treat them with great respect.
- Old People hold the door for the next person and always, when walking, make certain the lady is on the inside for protection.
- Old People get embarrassed if someone curses in front of women and children and they don't like any filth or dirty language on TV or in movies.
- Old People have moral courage and personal integrity. They seldom brag unless it's about their children, grandchildren or their animals.
- It's the Old People who know our great country is protected, not by politicians, but by the young men and women in the military serving their country. Amen!
This country needs Old People with their work ethic, sense of responsibility, pride in their country, and decent values.
We need them now more than ever.
Thank God for Old People
moreluck
golden ticket member
REAL MOTHERS.......
Real mothers don't eat quiche; they don't have time to make it.
Real mothers know that their kitchen utensils are probably in the sandbox.
Real mothers often have sticky floors, filthy ovens, and happy kids.
Real mothers don't want to know what the vacuum just sucked up.
Real mothers sometimes ask "why me," and get their answer when a little voice says, "because I love you best."
Real mothers know that a child's growth is not measured by height or years or grade...it is marked by the progression of Mama to Mommy to Mom.
Real mothers don't eat quiche; they don't have time to make it.
Real mothers know that their kitchen utensils are probably in the sandbox.
Real mothers often have sticky floors, filthy ovens, and happy kids.
Real mothers don't want to know what the vacuum just sucked up.
Real mothers sometimes ask "why me," and get their answer when a little voice says, "because I love you best."
Real mothers know that a child's growth is not measured by height or years or grade...it is marked by the progression of Mama to Mommy to Mom.
moreluck
golden ticket member
A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be.
If the best things in life are free, why do I keep getting bills ?
Don't get me started....I don't come with brakes.
Heat make things expand. So, I don't have a weight problem - I'm just hot !
Lord, give me patience....because if you give me strength, I'm gonna need bail money to go with it.
Someone please tell my wife I'M RETIRED !!
I have 3 sides: (1) the quiet sweet side. (2) the fun and crazy side. (3) the side you never want to see.
Being a 'lefty' just feels right.
If the best things in life are free, why do I keep getting bills ?
Don't get me started....I don't come with brakes.
Heat make things expand. So, I don't have a weight problem - I'm just hot !
Lord, give me patience....because if you give me strength, I'm gonna need bail money to go with it.
Someone please tell my wife I'M RETIRED !!
I have 3 sides: (1) the quiet sweet side. (2) the fun and crazy side. (3) the side you never want to see.
Being a 'lefty' just feels right.
moreluck
golden ticket member
On t-shirts.......
You know that friend who always talked you into doing something crazy and you always got into trouble for it ? Sorry about that !
I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off !
God gives us only what we can handle. Apparently God thinks I'm a bad-ass.
I'm not getting older. I'm becoming a classic.
At my age, Happy Hour is any hour spent above ground.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver.
You know that friend who always talked you into doing something crazy and you always got into trouble for it ? Sorry about that !
I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off !
God gives us only what we can handle. Apparently God thinks I'm a bad-ass.
I'm not getting older. I'm becoming a classic.
At my age, Happy Hour is any hour spent above ground.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver.
moreluck
golden ticket member
On T-shirts........
Bad decisions make good stories.
I'm not clumsy ! The floor just hates me. The table and chairs are bullies and the walls get in my way.
RETIREMENT: The pay sucks but the hours are great.
If it weren't for my mood swings, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.
A friend will calm you down when you're angry, but a best friend will skip beside you with a baseball bat singing......"Someone's gonna get it ! "
The thin person inside me trying to escape decided to just stay and get fat, too.
Bad decisions make good stories.
I'm not clumsy ! The floor just hates me. The table and chairs are bullies and the walls get in my way.
RETIREMENT: The pay sucks but the hours are great.
If it weren't for my mood swings, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.
A friend will calm you down when you're angry, but a best friend will skip beside you with a baseball bat singing......"Someone's gonna get it ! "
The thin person inside me trying to escape decided to just stay and get fat, too.
moreluck
golden ticket member
My wife said I never listen. At least that's what I think she said.
I just read an article on the dangers of drinking ! Scared the crap out of me. So that's it, after today, no more reading !
When you really want to slap someone, do it and say "MOSQUITO "!!
I have to stop saying, "How stupid can you be ?" Some people are taking it as challenge.
I'm retired - I know it all and I have time to tell you all about it.
I just read an article on the dangers of drinking ! Scared the crap out of me. So that's it, after today, no more reading !
When you really want to slap someone, do it and say "MOSQUITO "!!
I have to stop saying, "How stupid can you be ?" Some people are taking it as challenge.
I'm retired - I know it all and I have time to tell you all about it.
moreluck
golden ticket member
You look like I need a drink !!
Saying the unspeakable.....it's what I do.
I drink coffee for your protection.
I'll worry about getting old when I stop looking so damn sexy!
If I were anymore cultured....I'd be yogurt.
BACON...duct tape for the kitchen!
If life gives you melons.....you might be dyslexic.
Prayer....the world's greatest wireless connection.
Saying the unspeakable.....it's what I do.
I drink coffee for your protection.
I'll worry about getting old when I stop looking so damn sexy!
If I were anymore cultured....I'd be yogurt.
BACON...duct tape for the kitchen!
If life gives you melons.....you might be dyslexic.
Prayer....the world's greatest wireless connection.
moreluck
golden ticket member
I consider 'on time' to be when I get there.
The trouble with trouble is it starts out with fun.
The hardest part about preparing for the Zombie Apocalypse is pretending I'm not excited.
If I can't build it, fix it or mow it, it must not be important.
I'm not a pessimist. I'm an optimist with experience!
The trouble with trouble is it starts out with fun.
The hardest part about preparing for the Zombie Apocalypse is pretending I'm not excited.
If I can't build it, fix it or mow it, it must not be important.
I'm not a pessimist. I'm an optimist with experience!
moreluck
golden ticket member
More T-Shirt sayings.....
Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
To save time, let's assume I know everything.
Another day with no plans to use calculus.
Those who can, teach. Those who can't, pass laws about teaching.
Don't grow up.....it's a trick!
Resistance is not futile. It's voltage divided by current.
Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
To save time, let's assume I know everything.
Another day with no plans to use calculus.
Those who can, teach. Those who can't, pass laws about teaching.
Don't grow up.....it's a trick!
Resistance is not futile. It's voltage divided by current.
moreluck
golden ticket member
T-Shirt sayings.........
Yo fish, bite me !
Stick around - I may need someone to blame.
Numbers that aren't divisible by two are odd to me.
M.A.T.H. - Mental Abuse To Humans
Don't make me use uppercase !
Just be happy I'm not a twin.
One must always respect age - especially when it's bottled.
Engineers are not boring. We just get excited over boring things.
Yo fish, bite me !
Stick around - I may need someone to blame.
Numbers that aren't divisible by two are odd to me.
M.A.T.H. - Mental Abuse To Humans
Don't make me use uppercase !
Just be happy I'm not a twin.
One must always respect age - especially when it's bottled.
Engineers are not boring. We just get excited over boring things.
moreluck
golden ticket member
So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan
jokes, you know you're from California if:
1. Your coworker has 8 body piercing's and none are visible.
2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a
conversation in English.
4. Your child's 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.
5. You can't remember . . . . is pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm
donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are
grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
8. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?
9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
11. Unlike in the rest of the country, the guy at 8:30 am at
Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.
12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
13. You can't remember . . . .is pot illegal?
14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news
station: "STORM WATCH."
15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are
all busy with their cells or pagers.
16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an
hour early to avoid all the weather - related accidents.17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????18. Both you AND your dog have therapists.19. The Terminator was your State Governor.20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one!!!
jokes, you know you're from California if:
1. Your coworker has 8 body piercing's and none are visible.
2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a
conversation in English.
4. Your child's 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.
5. You can't remember . . . . is pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm
donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are
grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
8. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?
9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
11. Unlike in the rest of the country, the guy at 8:30 am at
Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.
12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
13. You can't remember . . . .is pot illegal?
14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news
station: "STORM WATCH."
15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are
all busy with their cells or pagers.
16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an
hour early to avoid all the weather - related accidents.17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????18. Both you AND your dog have therapists.19. The Terminator was your State Governor.20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one!!!
moreluck
golden ticket member
T-Shirt Sayings........
It takes a lot of energy to simulate normalcy.
It's not that I lack empathy.......OK, maybe it is.....
A man's gotta brew what a man's gotta brew.
I like cats. I just can't eat a whole one by myself.
I'm retired, you're not - Nah -nah -nah- nah-nah.
If it weren't for crazy, I'd never go anywhere.
Grandparents: So easy to operate, even a child can do it.
It's my cat's world, I'm just here to open the cans.
Earth is the insane asylum of the universe.
It takes a lot of energy to simulate normalcy.
It's not that I lack empathy.......OK, maybe it is.....
A man's gotta brew what a man's gotta brew.
I like cats. I just can't eat a whole one by myself.
I'm retired, you're not - Nah -nah -nah- nah-nah.
If it weren't for crazy, I'd never go anywhere.
Grandparents: So easy to operate, even a child can do it.
It's my cat's world, I'm just here to open the cans.
Earth is the insane asylum of the universe.
moreluck
golden ticket member
moreluck
golden ticket member
T-Shirt Sayings......
If you can't beat them, it's obviously time for a bigger bat.
I'm not here for a long time, I'm here for a good time.
You call them gray hairs. I call them stress highlights.
I put on clean underwear for this ?
What I lack in sleep I make up for in blank stares.
Math teachers have problems.
You can't make everybody happy, so concentrate on me.
If you can't beat them, it's obviously time for a bigger bat.
I'm not here for a long time, I'm here for a good time.
You call them gray hairs. I call them stress highlights.
I put on clean underwear for this ?
What I lack in sleep I make up for in blank stares.
Math teachers have problems.
You can't make everybody happy, so concentrate on me.
moreluck
golden ticket member
T-Shirt Sayings:
I'm not bald. I'm just taller than my hair.
What I need is more money & power....and less crap form you people.
If you just did what you're told, I wouldn't have to be so bossy.
I'm right 97% of the time......who cares about the other 4%.
I'm so far behind I thought I was first.
Normal is boring.
LOL'ing on the outside, WTF'ing on the inside.
So, this is what the world looks like sober.
I'm not bald. I'm just taller than my hair.
What I need is more money & power....and less crap form you people.
If you just did what you're told, I wouldn't have to be so bossy.
I'm right 97% of the time......who cares about the other 4%.
I'm so far behind I thought I was first.
Normal is boring.
LOL'ing on the outside, WTF'ing on the inside.
So, this is what the world looks like sober.
moreluck
golden ticket member
The Sunday before Christmas, a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money. He asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual into the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering.
He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly looking lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front.
Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."
He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly looking lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front.
Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."
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