Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

I entered "short story" in the Search and nothing came up so I'm putting this here......


A group of frogs were traveling through the woods, and two of them fell into a deep pit. When the other frogs saw how deep the pit was, they told the two frogs that they were as good as dead.

The two frogs ignored the comments and tried to jump up out of the pit with all their might. The other frogs kept telling them to stop, that they were as good as dead. Finally, one of the frogs took heed to what the other frogs were saying and gave up. He fell down and died.

The other frog continued to jump as hard as he could. Once again, the crowd of frogs yelled at him to stop the pain and just die.

He jumped even harder and finally made it out. When he got out, the other frogs said, "Did you not hear us?"

The frog explained to them that he was deaf. He thought they were encouraging him the entire time.

This story teaches two lessons:

1. There is power of life and death in the tongue. An encouraging word to someone who is down can lift them up and help them make it through the day.

2. A destructive word to someone who is down can be what it takes to kill them.

Be careful of what you say. Speak life to those who cross your path. The power of words... It is sometimes hard to understand that an encouraging word can go such a long way.

Anyone can speak words that tend to rob another of the spirit to continue in difficult times. Special is the individual who will take the time to encourage another.

 

[moreluck]

Friends and I were chatting over dinner in a restaurant. A man at the next table told his cell-phone caller to hold on. Then he stepped outside to talk.

When he returned, I said, "That was very thoughtful."

"I had no choice," he nodded and said to me. "You were making too much noise."

 

[moreluck]

The Top 10 Least Desirable Fortunes in a Fortune Cookie:

We know where you live.

You will need good reading material in approximately 15 minutes.

Everyone's meal today is on you!

The "special sauce" came from the floor!

Guess what our special "drop" was in our Egg Drop Soup and win a free meal!!

Your colon will self destruct in five seconds.

A recent prison escapee that is sitting near by wants to love you long time.

Your dog Sparky - he's no longer missing.

See the waiter about our new food poison life insurance policies.

MSG? NO!! Ebola Virus - maybe.

 

[moreluck]

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete check-up. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" The doctor interrupts, "Nine..."

 

[moreluck]

I was chatting with my high school English class just before the period ended. I was wearing my college letterman's jacket, which was embroidered with the school name and the year I graduated (80). A student in the front row asked, "What's the '80' for?"
I puffed out my chest and said with feigned arrogance. "Well, you see, when you're in college they embroider the number of girlfriends you had on your jacket."
A voice piped up from the back of the room. "So, what's the eight for?"

 

[moreluck]

New Rules.......

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

 

[moreluck]

A five-year-old boy surprised his father one day by saying, "I guess I'll go outdoors and play ball with God." "Tell me, how do you play ball with God?" asked the father.
"Oh, it's not hard at all," said the boys.
"I just throw the ball up and God throws it back down to me."

 

[moreluck]

A Baptist preacher, a Presbyterian minister, and a Lutheran pastor got into a discussion as to which denomination Jesus Christ would belong to. Each claimed that He would belong to his own.

The Baptist preacher declared: "He would obviously be Baptist! We're so on fire with the zeal for God, just like He was when He was on earth. He'd join us in a heartbeat!"

The Presbyterian minister stated: "Not so! He'd be a Presbyterian! We do everything properly and in order, and give the Glory to God, just like He did. He'd join us immediately!"

The Lutheran pastor sat silent for a minute. Then he stated: "You each have some good points, I must admit. But He'd never change."

 

[moreluck]

Women are Angels.
And when someone breaks our wings,
we simply continue to fly... on a broomstick.
We are flexible like that.

 

[moreluck]

The kindergarten teacher was standing outside her room as the children entered one morning. Along came little David, deliberately winking his left eye.

"Why, David," said the teacher, "Are you winking at me?"

"No, just got my turn signal on," David replied, making a neat left turn into his room.

 

[moreluck]

THE GIVEAWAY...
Today I am giving away a gaggle of geese.
A peep of chickens
A herd of cattle
A skulk of foxes
A parliament of owls
A murder of crows.
A clump of grass
A quiver of arrows
A coven of witches
A posse of police
A convoy of trucks
AND
A BLESSING OF UNICORNS!
Really!
That is what a bunch of unicorns are called.
A BLESSING!
I knew it! I knew it! I always knew I was extra blessed!
Now who wants a blessing of unicorns?
Who?
WHO!
Actually, I don’t have a blessing of unicorns to give away today.
Sorry!

 

[moreluck]

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

You can tell that a tree is nomadic when it packs up its trunk and leaves.

What turns without moving? Milk. It can turn sour.

I considered going into the ministry but I didn't have an altar ego.

Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

 

[moreluck]

At my parents' 60th wedding anniversary, my Dad told of how he met Mom. She was an underpaid teacher at a one-room school in rural Manitoba and Dad was working on a nearby farm. One of the local boys had asked her to go to a movie. Dad was also going to the movie, and had caught a ride to town with them. At the theatre, the fellow paid for himself and walked in, leaving Mom standing there with no ticket. She had no money with her, having assumed her date was paying her way. Dad stepped up and paid for her ticket. He said, "That was the best 50 cents I ever invested."

 

[moreluck]

A carpenter was giving evidence about an accident he had witnessed. The lawyer for the defendant was trying to discredit him and asked him how far away he was from the accident.
The carpenter replied, "Twenty-seven feet, six and one-half inches."
"What? How come you are so sure of that distance?" asked the lawyer.
"Well, I knew sooner or later some idiot would ask me. So I measured it!" replied the carpenter.

 

[moreluck]

One of my daughter's wedding presents was a toaster oven. Soon after the honeymoon, she and her husband tried it out. Almost immediately, smoke billowed out of the toaster. "Get the owner's manual!" her husband shouted. "I can't find it anywhere!" she cried, searching through the box. "Oops!" came a voice from the kitchen. "Well, the toast is fine, but the owner's manual is burnt to a crisp."

 

[moreluck]

Brain Exercise


Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important that we keep mentally alert. The saying: "If you don't use it, you will lose it" also applies to the brain.

Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence. So take the following test presented here and determine if you are losing it or are still a MENSA candidate. OK, relax, clear your mind and . . . begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?

The answer is bread. If you said "toast", then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, "bread", go to question 2.

2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk". What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk", please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously overstressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate such as "Children's World". If you said, "water" then proceed to question three.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a greenhouse made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks", what the heck are you still doing here reading these questions? If you said "glass", then go on to question four.

4. Twenty years ago, a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany. If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany. Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he has time and the plane crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors - East Germany or West Germany or in "no man's land"?

Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated. If you said, "Don't bury the survivors" then proceed to the next question
.
5. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60th of a degree every minute then how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour? Answer: One degree. If you said "360 degrees" or anything other than "one degree", you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but you are obviously out of your league. Turn your pencil in and exit the room. Everyone else proceed to the final question.

6. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for goodness sake! It was YOU, Read the first line!!!

 

[moreluck]

Top Ten Inspirational Sayings We'd Like to See at the Nurse's Station


10. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings; they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

9. If at first you don't succeed...try management.

8. TEAMWORK means never having to take all the blame yourself.

7. Hang in there....retirement is only 35 years away!

6. Go the extra mile...it makes your supervisor look incompetent.

5. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

4. Administration...we waste time so you don't have to.

3. The beatings will continue until morale improves.

2. A person who smiles in the face of adversity, probably has a scapegoat.

1. Succeed in spite of Administration.

 

[moreluck]

What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup? Everyone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup!

 

[moreluck]

My sister answered an advertisement for a typist to work on a book on weather forecasting. She gave her typing speed as: "Approximately 55 w.p.m. with occasional gusts of 60 to 65 w.p.m.
She got the job.

 

[moreluck]

Company Slogans.............

KFC........finger lickin' good.

Motel 6 .......we'll leave the light on.

Vespa ...........To ride without being astride.

Nike ......... Just do it!

Vespa ......... No battle when there's no straddle

Bounty ........ The quicker picker upper.

Vespa ............. It can still count without the mount.

Burger King ........ Have it your way.