Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2
- Thread starter moreluck
- Start date
moreluck
golden ticket member
A DETERMINED SPIRIT (Author Unknown)
Once upon a time, a small bird named Tasoo lived in a vast jungle. One hot summer day, a terrible wildfire erupted and the flames devoured many trees and animals living in the jungle. Other birds flew high into the sky and far away to safety, but Tasoo couldn't bear to leave her precious jungle home to burn. Day and night, she flew with all her might back and forth to the river, filling her tiny beak with water to drop on the raging fires. Tasoo's rare heart of courage and unshakable determination moved the heavenly gods to shed tears, and a great rain poured down upon the jungle, extinguishing the flames. And so it is that even the smallest actions of a determined spirit can change the world.
Once upon a time, a small bird named Tasoo lived in a vast jungle. One hot summer day, a terrible wildfire erupted and the flames devoured many trees and animals living in the jungle. Other birds flew high into the sky and far away to safety, but Tasoo couldn't bear to leave her precious jungle home to burn. Day and night, she flew with all her might back and forth to the river, filling her tiny beak with water to drop on the raging fires. Tasoo's rare heart of courage and unshakable determination moved the heavenly gods to shed tears, and a great rain poured down upon the jungle, extinguishing the flames. And so it is that even the smallest actions of a determined spirit can change the world.
moreluck
golden ticket member
A Teenager is...
A person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number.
A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast.
A youngster who receives his/her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows from his/her best friend on Wednesday.
Someone who can hear a song by Madonna played three blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room.
A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can't make a bed.
A student who will spend 12 minutes studying for her history exam and 12 hours for her driver's license.
A youngster who is well informed about anything he doesn't have to study.
An enthusiast who has the energy to ride a bike for miles, but is usually too tired to dry the dishes.
A connoisseur of two kinds of fine music: Loud and Very Loud.
A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates her brother.
A person who is always late for dinner but always on time for a rock concert.
A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.
A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.
A boy who can sleep until noon on any Saturday when he suspects the lawn needs mowing.
An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager.
A person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number.
A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast.
A youngster who receives his/her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows from his/her best friend on Wednesday.
Someone who can hear a song by Madonna played three blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room.
A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can't make a bed.
A student who will spend 12 minutes studying for her history exam and 12 hours for her driver's license.
A youngster who is well informed about anything he doesn't have to study.
An enthusiast who has the energy to ride a bike for miles, but is usually too tired to dry the dishes.
A connoisseur of two kinds of fine music: Loud and Very Loud.
A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates her brother.
A person who is always late for dinner but always on time for a rock concert.
A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.
A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.
A boy who can sleep until noon on any Saturday when he suspects the lawn needs mowing.
An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager.
UpstateNYUPSer(Ret)
Well-Known Member
Madonna? I doubt there is a teenager alive today who even knows who she is, let alone listens to her music.
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UpstateNYUPSer(Ret)
Well-Known Member
You're the one who posted the list, not me.
UpstateNYUPSer(Ret)
Well-Known Member
"A Teenager Is...." means you are talking about today's teenagers, who have absolutely no idea who Madonna is, let alone listen to her music.
moreluck
golden ticket member
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant. "No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
moreluck
golden ticket member
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant. "No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
moreluck
golden ticket member
A Country Founded by Geniuses but Run by Idiots - by Jeff Foxworthy
>
> * Jeff Foxworthy: If you can get arrested for hunting or fishing without a
> license, but not for entering and remaining in the country illegally - you
> might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.
> If you have to get your parents' permission to go on a field trip or to
> take an aspirin in school, but not to get an abortion - you might live in
a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.
If you MUST show your identification to board an airplane, cash a check,
buy liquor, or check out a library book and rent a video, but not to vote for who runs
the> government - you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but
is run by idiots.
If the government wants to prevent stable, law-abiding
> citizens from owning gun magazines that hold more than ten rounds, but
> gives twenty friend-16 fighter jets to the crazy new leaders in Egypt - you
> might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.
> If, in the nation's largest city, you can buy two 16-ounce sodas, but not
> one 24-ounce soda, because 24-ounces of a sugary drink might make you fat
-you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by
> idiots.
If an 80-year-old woman or a three-year-old girl who is confined to
> a wheelchair can be strip-searched by the TSA at the airport, but a woman
> in a burka or a hijab is only subject to having her neck and head searched
> - you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by
> idiots.
If your government believes that the best way to eradicate
> trillions of dollars of debt is to spend trillions more - you might live
in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.
If a seven-year-old boy can be thrown out of school for saying his teacher
is"cute," but hosting a sexual exploration or diversity class in grade
school is perfectly acceptable - you might live in a nation that was founded by
> geniuses but is run by idiots.
If hard work and success are met with higher
> taxes and more government regulation and intrusion, while not working is
> rewarded with Food Stamps, WIC checks, Medicaid benefits, subsidized
> housing, and free cell phones - you might live in a nation that was
founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.
If the government's plan for getting people back to work is to provide
incentives for not working, by granting 99 weeks of unemployment checks, without any
requirement to prove that gainful employment was diligently sought, but
couldn't be found - you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is
run by idiots.
If you pay your mortgage faithfully, denying yourself the newest big-screen
TV, while your neighbor buys iPhones, time shares, a wall-sized do-it-all
> plasma screen TV and new cars, and the government forgives his debt when
he defaults on his mortgage - you might live in a nation that was founded by
> geniuses but is run by idiots.
If being stripped of your Constitutional right to defend yourself makes you
more "safe" according to the government - you might live in a nation that was
founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.
>
> * Jeff Foxworthy: If you can get arrested for hunting or fishing without a
> license, but not for entering and remaining in the country illegally - you
> might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.
> If you have to get your parents' permission to go on a field trip or to
> take an aspirin in school, but not to get an abortion - you might live in
a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.
If you MUST show your identification to board an airplane, cash a check,
buy liquor, or check out a library book and rent a video, but not to vote for who runs
the> government - you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but
is run by idiots.
If the government wants to prevent stable, law-abiding
> citizens from owning gun magazines that hold more than ten rounds, but
> gives twenty friend-16 fighter jets to the crazy new leaders in Egypt - you
> might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.
> If, in the nation's largest city, you can buy two 16-ounce sodas, but not
> one 24-ounce soda, because 24-ounces of a sugary drink might make you fat
-you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by
> idiots.
If an 80-year-old woman or a three-year-old girl who is confined to
> a wheelchair can be strip-searched by the TSA at the airport, but a woman
> in a burka or a hijab is only subject to having her neck and head searched
> - you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by
> idiots.
If your government believes that the best way to eradicate
> trillions of dollars of debt is to spend trillions more - you might live
in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.
If a seven-year-old boy can be thrown out of school for saying his teacher
is"cute," but hosting a sexual exploration or diversity class in grade
school is perfectly acceptable - you might live in a nation that was founded by
> geniuses but is run by idiots.
If hard work and success are met with higher
> taxes and more government regulation and intrusion, while not working is
> rewarded with Food Stamps, WIC checks, Medicaid benefits, subsidized
> housing, and free cell phones - you might live in a nation that was
founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.
If the government's plan for getting people back to work is to provide
incentives for not working, by granting 99 weeks of unemployment checks, without any
requirement to prove that gainful employment was diligently sought, but
couldn't be found - you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is
run by idiots.
If you pay your mortgage faithfully, denying yourself the newest big-screen
TV, while your neighbor buys iPhones, time shares, a wall-sized do-it-all
> plasma screen TV and new cars, and the government forgives his debt when
he defaults on his mortgage - you might live in a nation that was founded by
> geniuses but is run by idiots.
If being stripped of your Constitutional right to defend yourself makes you
more "safe" according to the government - you might live in a nation that was
founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Men / Women
DRESSING UP A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.
She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends,
favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
DRESSING UP A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.
She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends,
favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
moreluck
golden ticket member
A salesman is driving toward home in northern Ontario when he sees an Indian thumbing for a ride on the side of the road. As the trip had been long and quiet, he stops the car and the Indian gets in.
After a bit of small talk, the Indian notices a brown bag on the front seat. "What's in bag?", the Indian asks the driver.
The driver says, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife."
The Indian is silent for a moment then says, "Good trade."
After a bit of small talk, the Indian notices a brown bag on the front seat. "What's in bag?", the Indian asks the driver.
The driver says, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife."
The Indian is silent for a moment then says, "Good trade."
moreluck
golden ticket member
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:
Men Are Just Happier People --
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack...
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you,
He or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives
On December 24 in 25 minutes.
Men Are Just Happier People --
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack...
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you,
He or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives
On December 24 in 25 minutes.
moreluck
golden ticket member
A Jewish grandma and her grandson are at the beach. He's playing in the water,
she is standing on the shore not wanting to get her feet wet
when
all of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere and
crashes
directly onto the spot where the boy is wading. The water
recedes and
the boy is no longer there... he was swept
away.
The grandma holds her hands to the sky, screams and
cries: "How could you do this? Haven't I been a wonderful grandmother?
Haven't I been a wonderful mother? Haven't I kept a kosher home? Haven't I
given to charity? Haven't I lit candles every Friday night? Haven't I tried
my very best to live a life that you would be proud of?"
A voice
booms from the sky, "All right already!"
A moment later another huge
wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes,
the boy is standing there. He is
smiling and splashing around as if
nothing had ever happened.
The voice booms again. "I have returned
your grandson. Now are
you satisfied?"
She responds ..."He
had a hat."
she is standing on the shore not wanting to get her feet wet
when
all of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere and
crashes
directly onto the spot where the boy is wading. The water
recedes and
the boy is no longer there... he was swept
away.
The grandma holds her hands to the sky, screams and
cries: "How could you do this? Haven't I been a wonderful grandmother?
Haven't I been a wonderful mother? Haven't I kept a kosher home? Haven't I
given to charity? Haven't I lit candles every Friday night? Haven't I tried
my very best to live a life that you would be proud of?"
A voice
booms from the sky, "All right already!"
A moment later another huge
wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes,
the boy is standing there. He is
smiling and splashing around as if
nothing had ever happened.
The voice booms again. "I have returned
your grandson. Now are
you satisfied?"
She responds ..."He
had a hat."
moreluck
golden ticket member
My son, Mitchell, a kindergartener, practices spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: "cat," "dog," "dad," and "mom" have been proudly displayed for all to see.
One morning while getting ready for the day, Mitchell bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D. "Look what I spelled, Mom!" Mitch exclaimed, a proud smile on his face. "That's wonderful!" I said. "Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight."
That Christian education is certainly having an impact, I thought, happily.
Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen. "Mom? How do you spell 'zilla?'"
One morning while getting ready for the day, Mitchell bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D. "Look what I spelled, Mom!" Mitch exclaimed, a proud smile on his face. "That's wonderful!" I said. "Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight."
That Christian education is certainly having an impact, I thought, happily.
Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen. "Mom? How do you spell 'zilla?'"
moreluck
golden ticket member
Why did the maroon going to the airport turn around and go home? Because he saw the sign that said "Airport Left".
Two morons were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks. The first maroon said "These look like deer tracks," and the other maroon said, "No, they look like moose tracks." They argued and argued, and they were still arguing when the train hit them.
Why can't a maroon dial 911? He can't find the 11 on the phone!
How do you keep a maroon in suspense? I'll tell you tomorrow!
Two morons were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks. The first maroon said "These look like deer tracks," and the other maroon said, "No, they look like moose tracks." They argued and argued, and they were still arguing when the train hit them.
Why can't a maroon dial 911? He can't find the 11 on the phone!
How do you keep a maroon in suspense? I'll tell you tomorrow!
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