Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

moreluck

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[FONT=tahoma, sans-serif][FONT=tahoma, sans-serif]David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex...[/FONT][/FONT][FONT=tahoma,sans-serif]

[/FONT][FONT=tahoma, sans-serif]10. A below par performance is considered damn good.

9. You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.

8. It's much easier to find the sweet spot.

7. Foursomes are encouraged.

6. You can still make money doing it as a senior.

5. Three times a day is possible.

4. Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.

3. If you live in Florida, you can do it almost everyday.

2. You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.

[/FONT][FONT=tahoma, sans-serif]And the number one reason why golf is better than sex.
[/FONT][FONT=tahoma, sans-serif]
1. If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it.
[/FONT]
 

moreluck

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Murrels Inlet, S.C., bills itself as the "Seafood Capital of South Carolina." It has so many seafood restaurants that it is hard to decide which one to choose. My wife and I were trying to do just that when we came upon, of all things, a steakhouse. It seemed busy, perhaps because it had adapted to its environment. A sign out front read: "Catch of the Day -- COW!"
 

moreluck

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Jazz

After graduating from high school, a friend and I decided to start our careers as jazz musicians. We scrounged up a couple of gigs a week, but jazz wasn't popular in our small town and our duo often outnumbered the members of the audience.

Accustomed to the silence that followed our tunes, I was startled one evening to hear clapping after we'd delivered an Ellington standard. “Thank you. Thank you very much!” I said into the microphone.

Gazing out into the audience, I met the eyes of a confused- looking woman with a burger and fries in front of her and a bottle of ketchup in one hand-the other hand slapping the bottom of the bottle.
 

moreluck

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A Golfing Tale...

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Julie. When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her.
Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for her! self, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.....

Signed, Ron

EDITOR'S NOTE: Ron died suddenly on May 27th. The police report says that he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club rammed up his butt, with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife Julie was arrested and charged with murder; however, the all-woman jury found her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that he accidentally sat down on it very suddenly.
 

moreluck

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More Things You'd Love To Say (But Don't Dare)..............

Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

Visualizing? I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
 

moreluck

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Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."

 

moreluck

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Bread & Wine

At my eldest son's First Communion, the pastor recounted an incident that had happened the previous year.

He was trying to impress upon the children gathered around him in front of the altar that, besides the more recognizable references to the Last Supper, the elements of bread and wine in the Mass held another significance...that all things on Earth come from God. The bread is made from flour, the flour ground from wheat, and the wheat grows from the earth that God created. Then he asked, "Who can tell me where wine comes from?"

A hand shot up, and an enthusiastic voice replied, "From my uncle Anthony's basement!"
 

moreluck

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[FONT=bookman old style, new york, times, serif]Wedding Anniversary.......

Larry was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds...


AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!!"

The next morning Larry got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a gift-box for her wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Larry has been missing since Friday.................





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moreluck

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An Irishman's Life Philosophy.....

"In life, there are only two things to worry about, either you are well, or you are sick. If you are well, there is nothing to worry about, but if you are sick, you have two things to worry about; either you will live, or you will die. If you live, there is nothing to worry about, if you die, you have two things to worry about; either you will go to heaven or to hell. If you go to heaven, there is nothing to worry about, but if you go to hell, you'll be so busy shaking hands with your friends, you won't have time to worry!"
 

moreluck

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Yesterday / Today

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.

1972 - Ants die.

2007 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
 

moreluck

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Our daughter, Elizabeth, attended kindergarten while we were living in Dublin. Approaching St. Patrick's Day, the children were taught about the saint and his miracles. My daughter informed me that Saint Patrick had driven the snakes out of Ireland, and to this day none can be found there. Then Elizabeth mused, “I wonder how he kept them from crawling all over him in the car?”
 

moreluck

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"Irish Proverbs"

A kind word never broke anyone's mouth.

A dog owns nothing, yet is seldom dissatisfied.

It is better to be born lucky than rich.

A lie travels farther than the truth.

An old broom knows the dirty corners best.

Put silk on a goat, and it's still a goat.

A friend's eye is a good mirror.

It's no use carrying an umbrella if your shoes are leaking.

God is good, but never dance in a small boat.

Even a small thorn causes festering.

Marriages are all happy ......its having breakfast together that causes all the trouble.

Every dog is brave on his own doorstep.

You'll never plow a field by turning it over in your mind.

You've got to do your own growing, no matter how tall your grandfather was.
 

moreluck

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Bringing the Date Home.....

A girl brought her boyfriend home late one night. With her parents being asleep in bed, she asked him to be quiet. So when he said he was desperate to use the bathroom, rather than send him upstairs and risk waking her parents, she told him to use the kitchen sink instead.

A few minutes later, he popped his head around the door.

"Have you finished?" she whispered.

"Yeah," he said. "Have you got any paper?"
 

moreluck

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Q: On which side does a chicken have the most feathers?
A: The outside.

Q: How do you know when there is an elephant under your bed?

A: Your nose touches the ceiling.

Q: What's a flea's favourite way to travel?

A: Itch-hiking.

Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?

A: Big holes all over Australia!

Q: What lies on the ground, 100 feet in the air?

A: A dead centipede.

Q: Why did the snowman call his dog Frost?

A: Because Frost bites.

Q: Why wouldn't the butterfly go to the dance?

A: It was a moth-ball.

Q: What game do cows play at parties?

A: Mooosical Chairs.

Q: What do you call a multistorey pig pen?

A: A sty scraper.

Q: What do you give a horse with a cold?

A: Cough stirrup!
 

moreluck

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Top Reasons For Joining The Church Choir.......

You're running out of clean clothes and the robe saves on laundry.

The church is usually crowded and you want to make sure you always have a seat.

You've just been selected for jury duty and you want to get use to sitting with a large group of people.

The collection plate is never passed to the choir.

You've been known to nod off during the service and don't want the minister/priest to catch you.

The chairs for the choir are padded and are the most comfortable chairs in the church.
 

moreluck

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Things That Took Me 50 Years To Learn

- You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-savings time.

- You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

- The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

- The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.

- There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

- There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

- People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

- If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

- The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

- If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

- You should not confuse your career with your life.

- A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

- No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

- When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

- Your friends love you, anyway.

- Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
 

moreluck

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Good news / Bad news

Yesterday my son came home and said, "I have good news and bad news. The
good news is I got 18 out of 20 on my driver's test."

I said, "Great! Now what's the bad news?"

He said, "They were pedestrians."
 

moreluck

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Hinge.....

A woman walks into a hardware store and says "I want to buy a hinge."
The clerk says "Do you wanna screw for that hinge?"
The woman says, "No, but I'll blow you for the toaster."
 

moreluck

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Lost Helicopter

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of aircraft's electronic navigation and communication equipment. Due to the clouds and haze the pilot could not determine his position or course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritted sign and held it in the helicopter's window.
The sign said "WHERE AM I"? in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign an held it in a building window. The sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER".

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and determined the course to steer to SEATAC ( Seattle/Tacoma) airport and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE
IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded, "
I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer".
 

moreluck

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Dating vs. Marriage


When you are dating..... Farting is never an issue.
When you are married ....You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband at all times.

When you are dating..... He takes you out to have a good time.
When you are married ....He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What are you going to drink?"

When you are dating..... He holds your hand in public.
When you are married ....He flicks your ear in public.

When you are dating..... A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad.
When you are married ....A King size bed feels like an army cot.

When you are dating..... You are turned on at the sight of him naked.
When you are married ....You think to yourself "Was he ALWAYS this hairy????"

When you are dating..... You enjoyed foreplay.
When you are married ....You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me alone???"

When you are dating..... He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason.
When you are married ....He grabs your boob any chance he gets.

When you are dating..... You picture the two of you together, growing old together.
When you are married ....You wonder who will die first.


When you are dating..... Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy."
When you are married ....When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.

When you are dating..... He knows what the "hamper" is.
When you are married ....The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area.

When you are dating..... He understands if you "Aren't in the mood."
When you are married ....He says "It's your job."

When you are dating..... He understands that you have "male" friends.
When you are married ....He thinks they are all out to steal you away.

When you are dating..... He likes to "discuss" things.
When you are married ....He develops a "blank" stare.

When you are dating..... He calls you by name.
When you are married ....He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to others as "She."
 
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