Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2
- Thread starter moreluck
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moreluck
golden ticket member
Luncheonette......
A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a
hamburger.
The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "ONE BURGER!"
The cook, who's even bigger, screams, "BUR-GER!"
Whereupon he grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in
his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat,
and tosses it on the grill.
The old lady says, "That's the most disgusting thing I've ever
seen!"
The counterman says, "Yeah? You should be here in the
morning when he makes the doughnuts!"
A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a
hamburger.
The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "ONE BURGER!"
The cook, who's even bigger, screams, "BUR-GER!"
Whereupon he grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in
his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat,
and tosses it on the grill.
The old lady says, "That's the most disgusting thing I've ever
seen!"
The counterman says, "Yeah? You should be here in the
morning when he makes the doughnuts!"
moreluck
golden ticket member
Who Says Our Kids Don't Know English
A youth was asked to do a simple homework assignment.
Befuddled by the whole school thing, he was given a set of vocabulary words to use in sentences. Here's what he handed in:
1. HONOR ROLL - We was playin' poker on the stoop the other day, and man, I was HONOROLL.
2. PLANET - I got me some seed to grow weed, so I PLANET in the backyard.
3. DISMAY - I went for a blood test, the doctor pulled out a big needle. He said, "DISMAY hurt a little.
4. OMELETTE - Every time I start a new job, OMELETTE go after a week.
5. STAIRWAY - When me and my homies get high, we STAIRWAY into space.
6. MOBILE - I went to buy crack, I was short on cash, my man said, "Gimme one MOBILE."
7. DEFENSE - I ran from the cops, and hopped DEFENSE and got away.
8. AFRO - I got so mad at my bitch, AFRO a lamp at her.
9. AFTERMATH - I like to be high in school, so AFTERMATH I go to the field and smoke weed.
10. LOCKET - I slam the door so hard, I LOCKET.
11. DOMINEERING - My girly's birthday was yesterday, I got her a DOMINEERING.
12. KENYA - I needed change fo the subway, so I axe a stranger KENYA spare some change.
13. DERANGE - DERANGE is where da deer and antelope play.
14. DATA - At my basketball game, I scored thirty points. My coach said, "DATA boy!"
15. COPULATE - I called 911 and an hour later when they show up, I said, "COPULATE!"
16. FASCINATE - My girly's boobies are so big. Her shirt has ten buttons, she can only FASCINATE.
17. BEWARE - I axed the man at the unemployment office, "Is this BEWARE I get a job?"
18. DIMENSION - I be tall, dark, handsome... and not DIMENSION hung like a horse.
19. COATROOM - The judge said, "One more outburst like that, and you'll be thrown out the COATROOM." 20. DECIDE - I like Vonda and Yolanda, but I like to have a couple of womens on DECIDE.
A youth was asked to do a simple homework assignment.
Befuddled by the whole school thing, he was given a set of vocabulary words to use in sentences. Here's what he handed in:
1. HONOR ROLL - We was playin' poker on the stoop the other day, and man, I was HONOROLL.
2. PLANET - I got me some seed to grow weed, so I PLANET in the backyard.
3. DISMAY - I went for a blood test, the doctor pulled out a big needle. He said, "DISMAY hurt a little.
4. OMELETTE - Every time I start a new job, OMELETTE go after a week.
5. STAIRWAY - When me and my homies get high, we STAIRWAY into space.
6. MOBILE - I went to buy crack, I was short on cash, my man said, "Gimme one MOBILE."
7. DEFENSE - I ran from the cops, and hopped DEFENSE and got away.
8. AFRO - I got so mad at my bitch, AFRO a lamp at her.
9. AFTERMATH - I like to be high in school, so AFTERMATH I go to the field and smoke weed.
10. LOCKET - I slam the door so hard, I LOCKET.
11. DOMINEERING - My girly's birthday was yesterday, I got her a DOMINEERING.
12. KENYA - I needed change fo the subway, so I axe a stranger KENYA spare some change.
13. DERANGE - DERANGE is where da deer and antelope play.
14. DATA - At my basketball game, I scored thirty points. My coach said, "DATA boy!"
15. COPULATE - I called 911 and an hour later when they show up, I said, "COPULATE!"
16. FASCINATE - My girly's boobies are so big. Her shirt has ten buttons, she can only FASCINATE.
17. BEWARE - I axed the man at the unemployment office, "Is this BEWARE I get a job?"
18. DIMENSION - I be tall, dark, handsome... and not DIMENSION hung like a horse.
19. COATROOM - The judge said, "One more outburst like that, and you'll be thrown out the COATROOM." 20. DECIDE - I like Vonda and Yolanda, but I like to have a couple of womens on DECIDE.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Politeness
[FONT=Verdana,]A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes sir, may we help you?"
"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." he said.
"We do not use language like that here," she said. "Please go outside and come back in and say that there's something wrong with your 'ear' or whatever."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my 'ear'," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"
"I can't piss out of it." the man replied. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana,]A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes sir, may we help you?"
"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." he said.
"We do not use language like that here," she said. "Please go outside and come back in and say that there's something wrong with your 'ear' or whatever."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my 'ear'," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"
"I can't piss out of it." the man replied. [/FONT]
moreluck
golden ticket member
Important College Studies....
In 1993, the University of Kentucky did a study to see why the head of
a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $ 80,000.00, they concluded
that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure
during sex.
After the study was published, the University of South Carolina
decided to do their own study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that
the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
The University of Georgia, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted
their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was
to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
In 1993, the University of Kentucky did a study to see why the head of
a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $ 80,000.00, they concluded
that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure
during sex.
After the study was published, the University of South Carolina
decided to do their own study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that
the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
The University of Georgia, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted
their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was
to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Grocery Store.....
I was shopping at our local supermarket.When I got to the checkout line, there was a beautiful young blonde ahead ofme.As she placed her groceries on the checkout stand, the bagger asked her,"Paper or plastic?""It doesn't matter," she replied, "I'm bisacksual."
I was shopping at our local supermarket.When I got to the checkout line, there was a beautiful young blonde ahead ofme.As she placed her groceries on the checkout stand, the bagger asked her,"Paper or plastic?""It doesn't matter," she replied, "I'm bisacksual."
Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual similes and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners:
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E.Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are known to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E.Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are known to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
A very wealthy man, old and desperately ill, summons to his bedside his three closest advisors: his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer. "I know," he says, they say 'you can't take it with you.' But who knows? Suppose they're mistaken. I'd like to have something with me, just in case. So I am giving each of you an envelope containing one hundred thousand dollars and I would be grateful if at my funeral you would put the envelopes in my coffin, so that if it turns out that it's useful, I'll have something. They each agree to carry out his wish.
Sure enough, after just a few weeks, the old man passes away. At his funeral, each of the three advisors is seen slipping something into the coffin. After the burial, as the three are walking away together, the doctor turns to the other two and says, "Friends, I have a confession to make. As you know, at the hospital we are desperate because of the cutbacks in funding. Our CAT SCAN machine broke down and we haven't be able to get a new one. So, I took $20,000 of our friend's money for a new CAT SCAN and put the rest in the coffin as he asked."
At this the priest says, "I, too have a confession to make. As you know, our church is simply overwhelmed by the problem of the homeless. The needs keep increasing and we have nowhere to turn. So I took $50,000 from the envelope for our homeless fund and put the rest in the coffin as out friend requested."
Fixing the other two in his gaze, the lawyer says "I am astonished and deeply disappointed that you would treat so casually our solemn undertaking to our friend. I want you to know that I placed in his coffin my personal check for the full one hundred thousand dollars."
Sure enough, after just a few weeks, the old man passes away. At his funeral, each of the three advisors is seen slipping something into the coffin. After the burial, as the three are walking away together, the doctor turns to the other two and says, "Friends, I have a confession to make. As you know, at the hospital we are desperate because of the cutbacks in funding. Our CAT SCAN machine broke down and we haven't be able to get a new one. So, I took $20,000 of our friend's money for a new CAT SCAN and put the rest in the coffin as he asked."
At this the priest says, "I, too have a confession to make. As you know, our church is simply overwhelmed by the problem of the homeless. The needs keep increasing and we have nowhere to turn. So I took $50,000 from the envelope for our homeless fund and put the rest in the coffin as out friend requested."
Fixing the other two in his gaze, the lawyer says "I am astonished and deeply disappointed that you would treat so casually our solemn undertaking to our friend. I want you to know that I placed in his coffin my personal check for the full one hundred thousand dollars."
moreluck
golden ticket member
He's Important
On a bookstore display shelf, my seven-year-old son spotted a book on John friend. Kennedy, with a picture showing him in the Oval Office. "I know him, he said."
Surprised he recognized him, I added: "Yes, he was very important. He was President of the United States."
"I know he was important," he agreed.
"How did you know that?" I asked.
"Because," he replied, "I saw him shake hands with Forrest Gump."
On a bookstore display shelf, my seven-year-old son spotted a book on John friend. Kennedy, with a picture showing him in the Oval Office. "I know him, he said."
Surprised he recognized him, I added: "Yes, he was very important. He was President of the United States."
"I know he was important," he agreed.
"How did you know that?" I asked.
"Because," he replied, "I saw him shake hands with Forrest Gump."
moreluck
golden ticket member
Pet Names.....
"Nice dog. What's its name?" I asked my friend's 8-year-old son.
"Bob," he said.
"And your cat?"
"Bob."
"How do you keep them straight?"
"Well, one is Bob Cat and the other is Bob Barker," the boy answered.
"Tell him your rabbit's name," his father suggested.
The kid smiled and said, "Dennis Hopper."
"Nice dog. What's its name?" I asked my friend's 8-year-old son.
"Bob," he said.
"And your cat?"
"Bob."
"How do you keep them straight?"
"Well, one is Bob Cat and the other is Bob Barker," the boy answered.
"Tell him your rabbit's name," his father suggested.
The kid smiled and said, "Dennis Hopper."
moreluck
golden ticket member
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE......
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan
Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
What is the difference between
a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you see when the
Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts?
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between
a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs
What's the difference between
a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and
good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between
a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
What makes men chase women
they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.
What's the difference between
a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when
she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to
move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do men find it difficult
to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."
Why do drivers' education
classes in Redneck schools
use the car only on Mondays,
Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong
What would you call it when
an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the
flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan
Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
What is the difference between
a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you see when the
Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts?
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between
a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs
What's the difference between
a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and
good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between
a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
What makes men chase women
they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.
What's the difference between
a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when
she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to
move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do men find it difficult
to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."
Why do drivers' education
classes in Redneck schools
use the car only on Mondays,
Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong
What would you call it when
an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the
flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.
moreluck
golden ticket member
U.S.A.
My five-year-old son, Adam, and I spend a lot of time playing school. One of our favorite activities is working on a puzzle map of the United States. As we complete the map, I often quiz Adam on the names of the different states. On one particular day, I asked him what country he lived in. Proudly he declared, "The United States of America Online."
My five-year-old son, Adam, and I spend a lot of time playing school. One of our favorite activities is working on a puzzle map of the United States. As we complete the map, I often quiz Adam on the names of the different states. On one particular day, I asked him what country he lived in. Proudly he declared, "The United States of America Online."
moreluck
golden ticket member
Doctor, Lawyer, Biker....
Three guys were sitting in a bar talking.
One was a Doctor, one was a Lawyer, and one was a Biker.
After a sip of his martini, the doctor said; "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I got my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedez. I figure that if she doesn't like the diamond ring, she will at least like the Mercedez, and she will know that I love her."
After finishing his scotch, the lawyer replied; "Well, on my last anniversary, I got my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, she would at least like the trip, and she would know that I love her."
The Biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said; "Yah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a tee-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the tee-shirt, she could go
herself."
Three guys were sitting in a bar talking.
One was a Doctor, one was a Lawyer, and one was a Biker.
After a sip of his martini, the doctor said; "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I got my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedez. I figure that if she doesn't like the diamond ring, she will at least like the Mercedez, and she will know that I love her."
After finishing his scotch, the lawyer replied; "Well, on my last anniversary, I got my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, she would at least like the trip, and she would know that I love her."
The Biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said; "Yah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a tee-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the tee-shirt, she could go
herself."
moreluck
golden ticket member
Weird and not yet repealed laws:
*CALIFORNIA It is illegal to set a mousetrap without a hunting license.
Women may not drive in a house coat.
*FLORIDA It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.
Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.
*OHIO Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public.
It is illegal to get a fish drunk.
*KANSAS Pedestrians crossing the highways at night must wear tail lights.
No one may catch fish with his bare hands.
*OKLAHOMA Violators can be arrested and/or jailed for making ugly faces at a dog.
State law prohibits anyone taking a bite out of another's hamburger.
*ALABAMA It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.
Boogers may not be flicked into the wind. (Really)
*NEW YORK It is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun.
The penalty for jumping off a building is death.
*CALIFORNIA It is illegal to set a mousetrap without a hunting license.
Women may not drive in a house coat.
*FLORIDA It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.
Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.
*OHIO Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public.
It is illegal to get a fish drunk.
*KANSAS Pedestrians crossing the highways at night must wear tail lights.
No one may catch fish with his bare hands.
*OKLAHOMA Violators can be arrested and/or jailed for making ugly faces at a dog.
State law prohibits anyone taking a bite out of another's hamburger.
*ALABAMA It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.
Boogers may not be flicked into the wind. (Really)
*NEW YORK It is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun.
The penalty for jumping off a building is death.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Sayings of the Jewish Buddha
If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?
Be here now.
Be someplace else later.
Is that so complicated?
Drink tea and nourish life;
with the first sip, joy;
with the second sip, satisfaction;
with the third sip, peace;
with the fourth, a Danish.
Wherever you go, there you are.
Your luggage is another story.
Accept misfortune as a blessing.
Do not wish for perfect health, or a life without problems.
What would you talk about?
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single Oy.
There is no escaping karma.
In a previous life,
you never called,
you never wrote,
you never visited.
And whose fault was that?
Zen is not easy.
It takes effort to attain nothingness.
And then what do you have?
Bupkis.
The Tao does not speak.
The Tao does not blame.
The! Tao doe s not take sides.
The Tao has no expectations.
The Tao demands nothing of others.
The Tao is not Jewish.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.
Let your mind be as a floating cloud.
Let your stillness be as a wooded glen.
And sit up straight.
You'll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders.
Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.
Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.
Each blossom has ten thousand petals.
You might want to see a specialist.
Be aware of your body.
Be aware of your perceptions.
Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a
terminal illness.
The Torah says,
Love your neighbor as yourself.
The Buddha says,
There is no self.
So, maybe we're off the hook.?
If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?
Be here now.
Be someplace else later.
Is that so complicated?
Drink tea and nourish life;
with the first sip, joy;
with the second sip, satisfaction;
with the third sip, peace;
with the fourth, a Danish.
Wherever you go, there you are.
Your luggage is another story.
Accept misfortune as a blessing.
Do not wish for perfect health, or a life without problems.
What would you talk about?
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single Oy.
There is no escaping karma.
In a previous life,
you never called,
you never wrote,
you never visited.
And whose fault was that?
Zen is not easy.
It takes effort to attain nothingness.
And then what do you have?
Bupkis.
The Tao does not speak.
The Tao does not blame.
The! Tao doe s not take sides.
The Tao has no expectations.
The Tao demands nothing of others.
The Tao is not Jewish.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.
Let your mind be as a floating cloud.
Let your stillness be as a wooded glen.
And sit up straight.
You'll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders.
Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.
Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.
Each blossom has ten thousand petals.
You might want to see a specialist.
Be aware of your body.
Be aware of your perceptions.
Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a
terminal illness.
The Torah says,
Love your neighbor as yourself.
The Buddha says,
There is no self.
So, maybe we're off the hook.?
moreluck
golden ticket member
Things Not to Say on a First Date....
-I used to have a real bad bedwetting problem, but the last couple of weeks I seem to have got it under control.
-I know we just met and this might seem a little sudden, but could you lend me $500?
-I don't see my ex-girlfriend that much... thanks to the restraining order.
-There's $10 riding on me bedding you tonight.
-Do you wanna see my collection of Ted Bundy memorabilia?
-You could be a real babe if you lost a couple of pounds
-What are your feelings about whips and handcuffs?
-I won't be a minute, but I have to phone my mom if I'm out after ten o'clock.
-Would you like a lift home in my skoda?
-Wait till my wife hears about this!
-I used to have a real bad bedwetting problem, but the last couple of weeks I seem to have got it under control.
-I know we just met and this might seem a little sudden, but could you lend me $500?
-I don't see my ex-girlfriend that much... thanks to the restraining order.
-There's $10 riding on me bedding you tonight.
-Do you wanna see my collection of Ted Bundy memorabilia?
-You could be a real babe if you lost a couple of pounds
-What are your feelings about whips and handcuffs?
-I won't be a minute, but I have to phone my mom if I'm out after ten o'clock.
-Would you like a lift home in my skoda?
-Wait till my wife hears about this!
moreluck
golden ticket member
SCRABBLE
Someone out there either has too much
spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay too
much time on their hands!
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay too
much time on their hands!
moreluck
golden ticket member
THE LOVING WIFE
A mature couple went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there,
the husband passed away. The undertaker told the wife, "You can have him
shipped home for $5,000 or you can bury him here in the Holy Land for
$150." The woman thought about it and told him she would just have her
husband shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your husband
home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and would only cost
$150?"
The woman replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and
three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
A mature couple went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there,
the husband passed away. The undertaker told the wife, "You can have him
shipped home for $5,000 or you can bury him here in the Holy Land for
$150." The woman thought about it and told him she would just have her
husband shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your husband
home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and would only cost
$150?"
The woman replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and
three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
moreluck
golden ticket member
What's the difference between a million, a billion and a trillion?
A million seconds is 13 days.
A billion seconds is 31 years.
A trillion seconds is 31,688 years.
A million minutes ago was – 1 year, 329 days, 10 hours and 40 minute ago.
A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.
A million hours ago was in 1885.
A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.
A million dollars ago was five (5) seconds ago at the U.S. Treasury.
A billion dollars ago was late yesterday afternoon at the U.S. Treasury.
A trillion dollars is so large a number that only politicians
can use the term in conversation... probably because they
seldom think about what they are really saying. I've read that
mathematicians do not even use the term trillion!
Here is some perspective on TRILLION:
Trillion = 1,000,000,000,000.
The country has not existed for a trillion seconds.
Western civilization has not been around a trillion seconds.
One trillion seconds ago – 31,688 years – Neanderthals stalked the plains of Europe.
Million: 1,000,000
Billion: 1,000,000,000
Trillion: 1,000,000,000,000
Quintillion: 1,000,000,000,000,000,000
Sextillion: 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000
Nonillion: 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000
Centillion: 1 followed by 303 zeros
A million seconds is 13 days.
A billion seconds is 31 years.
A trillion seconds is 31,688 years.
A million minutes ago was – 1 year, 329 days, 10 hours and 40 minute ago.
A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.
A million hours ago was in 1885.
A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.
A million dollars ago was five (5) seconds ago at the U.S. Treasury.
A billion dollars ago was late yesterday afternoon at the U.S. Treasury.
A trillion dollars is so large a number that only politicians
can use the term in conversation... probably because they
seldom think about what they are really saying. I've read that
mathematicians do not even use the term trillion!
Here is some perspective on TRILLION:
Trillion = 1,000,000,000,000.
The country has not existed for a trillion seconds.
Western civilization has not been around a trillion seconds.
One trillion seconds ago – 31,688 years – Neanderthals stalked the plains of Europe.
Million: 1,000,000
Billion: 1,000,000,000
Trillion: 1,000,000,000,000
Quintillion: 1,000,000,000,000,000,000
Sextillion: 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000
Nonillion: 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000
Centillion: 1 followed by 303 zeros
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