Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Defending Her Honor

Back in the old days in Texas, three people were travelling in a stagecoach, a true red-blooded born-and-raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city slicker from back east, and an elegant Texas lady. The city slicker kept eyeing the lady until he leaned forward and said, "Lady, I'll give you three dollars for oral sex."

The texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol and shot the city slicker dead. The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, sir, for defending my honor."

Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "To hell with your honor! No tenderfoot from back east is gonna raise the price of a woman in Texas!"

 

[moreluck]

Neutered Dog

A woman had her dog neutered because she was told it would curb the animal's aggression. But the next day it savaged the UPS man.

"I'm so sorry," she said, rushing to the man's aid. "I was told he'd stop attacking people if I had him neutered."

"Lady," said the UPS guy, picking himself off the ground, "you should have had his teeth pulled. I knew when he came out the door he wasn't going to screw me!"

 

[moreluck]

In the beginning God created the Heavens and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And Satan said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. Then God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good. And Satan said, "There goes the neighborhood."

And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth." So God created Man in His own image; male and female created He them. And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit. And God created the healthful yogurt, that Woman might keep her figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 lb. And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad." And Satan brought forth Ben & Jerry's. And
Woman gained 10 lb.

And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them." And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 lb. and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds. And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds. And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."

So then God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also. Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. And Satan created McDonald's. McDonald's brought forth the $.99 double cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?" And Man said, "Supersize them." And Man gained 5 pounds. And Satan saw and said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. And Satan smiled and created HMOs.

 

[moreluck]

Ever wonder why the IRS calls it Form 1040?

Because for every $50 that you earn, you get 10 and they get 40.

 

[moreluck]

WASPS

Q: Why did God create WASPs?
A: Someone has to buy retail!

Q: What do WASPs think Zimbabwe Rhodesia is?
A: A wide receiver for the Houston Oilers.

Q: How can you tell if a WASP is sexually excited?
A: The stiff upper lip.

Q: What's an American WASP's idea of open-mindedness?
A: Dating a Canadian.

Q: What does a little WASP girl want to be when she grows up?
A: "The very best person I possibly can."

Q: What's a WASP's idea of social security?
A: An ancestor on the Mayflower.

Q: Why did the WASP cross the street?
A: To get to the middle of the road.

Q: What happens when four WASPs find themselves in the same room?
A: A dinner party.

Q: What do WASPs think of the Mideast situation?
A: Well, Newport is all right, but EVERYbody goes to the Cape.

Q: How does a WASP propose marriage?
A: "How would you like to be buried with my people?"

Q: What's a WASP's idea of affirmative action?
A: Hiring South American jockeys.

Q: What do WASPs say after sex?
A: "Thank you very much. I'm sorry. It won't happen again.

Q: What's a WASP's definition of conspicuous consumption?
A: A Sunfish with a spinnaker.

Q. What do you call a WASP with a four-inch prick?
A. Well hung.

Q. How can you tell when a WASP is dead?
A. He lets go of his wallet.

Q. What do you call a WASP virgin?
A. You can't. Her number's unlisted.

Q. What's a WASP's favourite song?
A. "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas."

Q. What does a professional WASP call her boss?
A. Daddy

Q: How many WASPS does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. Two to mix the martinis and one to call the electrician.

Q: What is a WASP menage a trois?
A: Two headaches and one hard-on.

Q: Why do WASPs play golf?
A: So they can dress like pimps.

Q. What is the definition of a WASP?
A. Someone who gets out of the shower to take a leak.

 

[moreluck]

George Carlin's New Rules for 2007

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days--mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you Just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule : Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait! They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying" Do you want fries with that?"

 

[moreluck]

Monkey in the Bar.......

A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey did?"

The guy says, "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the guy. "He eats everything in sight. Sorry. I'll pay for everything."

The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it in his butt, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"No, what?" replied the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry in his butt, pulled it out and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. He still eats everything in sight but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."

 

[moreluck]

DOCTOR APPOINTMENT

It was a busy morning, approximately 8:30 a.m., when an elderly gentleman in his 80s, arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He stated that he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 am.

I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would to able to see him. I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound.

On examination, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound.

While taking care of his wound, we began to engage in conversation. I asked him if he had another doctor's appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry. The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife.

I then inquired as to her health. He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer's disease. As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late. He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now.

I was surprised, and asked him, "And you still go every morning, even though she doesn't know who you are?"

He smiled as he patted my hand and said, "She doesn't know me, but I still know who she is."

 

[cheryl]

Things Found Only in America

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

 

[SmithBarney]

Re: Jokes

True Sharing.................


The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them in to two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.



Obviously they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the t wo of them."


As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.


People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.


Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."


Finally, as the old man friend inished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered


"THE TEETH."

 

[moreluck]

Top Ten Times in history when saying was OK...........

10) "What the was that?" - Mayor of Hiroshima


9) "Where did all these ing Indians come from?" - Custer


8) "Any ing idiot could understand that! " - Einstein


7) "It DOES ing look like her!" - Picasso


6) "How the did you work that out?" - Pythagoras


5) "You want WHAT on the ing ceiling?" - Michaelangelo


4) "I don't suppose it's gonna ing rain ?" - Joan of Arc


3) "Scattered ing showers... my arse!" - Noah


2) "I need this parade like I need a ing hole in my head!" -J.friend.K.


1) "Who the is going to know?" - Bill Clinton

 

[moreluck]

SURGERY TIME.....

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was 4. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck buddy, I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year

 

[moreluck]

I was standing in line at the bank when there was a commotion at the counter. A woman was distressed, exclaiming,

"Where will I put my money?! I have all my money and my mortgage here! What will happen to my mortgage?!"

It turned out that she had misunderstood a small sign on the counter. The sign read, WE WILL BE CLOSED FOR GOOD FRIDAY.

 

[moreluck]

Success With Women
[FONT=Verdana,]A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."

"What's the problem?" the doctor inquired.

"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."

"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. "Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.

"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."

"So, what's your problem?"

"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does." [/FONT]

 

[moreluck]

Newspaper Bloopers......

Dr. Benjamin Porter visited the school yesterday and lectured on "Destructive Pests". A large number were present.

The sewer expansion project is nearing completion but City officials are
holding their breath until it is officially finished.

The ladies of the county medical society auxiliary plan to publish a cookbook. Part of the money will go to the Samaritan Hospital to purchase a stomach pump.

The father was employed at the Seabrook nuclear power plant, and commuted for some months. Then the family moved to Seabrook, where they are happily living.

Columbia, Tennessee, which calls itself the largest outdoor mule market in the world, held a mule parade yesterday headed by the Governor.

The assembly passed and sent to the senate a bill requiring dog owners in New York City to clean up after their dogs, in penalty of $100 fine. The bill also applies to Buffalo.

The attorney general's office said yesterday that an autopsy performed on the headless body of a man found in Mason failed to determine the cause of death.

The bride-elect was showered with pieces of her chosen china.

"Moby Dick", the great American classic by Herman Melville, will be seen again next week, with veteran actor Victor Jory in the title role.

Weather: Sunny with a few cloudy periods today and Thursday, which will be followed by Friday.

The women included their husbands and their children in their potluck suppers.

The bride was wearing an old lace gown that fell to the floor as she came down the aisle.

 

[moreluck]

“But doctor,” lamented the young husband in counseling, “whenever Sue and I quarrel, she becomes historical.”

“You mean, hysterical,” said the doctor.

“No, historical. She is always digging up my past.”

 

[moreluck]

Career Path
[FONT=Verdana,]An older couple had a son, who was still living with them. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his career path, so they decided to do a small test.

They took a ten-dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table. Then they hid, hoping he would think they weren't at home.

The father told the mother, "If he takes the money, he will be a businessman; if he takes the Bible, he will be a priest; but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard."

So the parents took their place in the nearby closet and waited nervously, peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive home.

He saw the note they had left, saying they'd be home later. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket. After that, he took the Bible, flicked through it, and took it also. Finally, he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality, then he left for his room carrying all the three items.

The father slapped his forehead, and said, "Damn! It's even worse than I ever imagined..."

"What do you mean?" his wife inquired.

"He's gonna be a politician." the father replied.[/FONT]

 

[moreluck]

Three Hunters.....

Three friends decided to go hunting together. One was a lawyer, one a
doctor, and the other a preacher. As they were walking, along came a big
buck. The three of them shot simultaneously. Immediately the buck dropped to
the ground and all three rushed up to see how big it actually was. Upon
reaching it they found out that it was dead but had only one bullet hole.
Thus a debate followed concerning whose buck it was. Five minutes later a
game officer came by and asked what the problem was.

The doctor told him their reason for the debate.

The officer told them he would take a look and tell them who shot it. A few
seconds later he said he knew who shot the buck, "The pastor shot the buck!"

They all wondered how he knew that so quickly.

The officer said, "Easy. The bullet went in one ear and out the other."

 

[moreluck]

What's the difference between cheating on your wife and cheating on your taxes?

. . . If you tell the truth about your taxes, the IRS will still want to screw you.

 

[moreluck]

Side Effects.....

[FONT=Verdana,]A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. ''Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before.''

The doctor reassured her, ''A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?''

''On my testicles, which is something else I want to talk to you about...,'' replied the lady. [/FONT]