Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Doctor's Daughter......


An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then-four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. Be still, my heart, thought my friend, gee, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps and be a doctor! Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"

 

[moreluck]

Broken Lawn Mower

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my

wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to
take care of first, the truck, the car, or golf -always something I
thought more important to do. Finally she thought
of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in
the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was
gone only a few minutes when I came out again and handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you
might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Moral to the story: Marriage is a relationship in
which one person is always right, and the other is the husband​

 

[moreluck]

The I.R.S.

The I. R. S. is an agency,
Well known throughout our great country.
Internal Revenue Service is it's name,
And for many a bankruptcy it's to blame.

But it's that time of year again,
So pay your taxes---If you can!!!
You have to give the I. R. S. their share,
And how you get it, they don't care.

They'll take your house, and take your cars,
They don't care if you sleep under the stars.
Their only concern, can't you see,
Is collecting taxes from you and me.

To get their money they will go,
To almost any length, you know.
So pay your taxes, 'cause if you fail,
You could soon end up in jail.

For short they're called the I. R. S.
But a different name would fit them best.
This time of year they make me nervous
I call them the Income Reduction Service.

 

[moreluck]

GROANERS.......

Never lie to X-ray technicians. They can see right through you.

Do they teach you how to work in an ice cream parlor at Sundae School?

Adam and Eve never had a date. But they did have an apple.

If you crossed a four leaf clover with poison ivy, would you get a rash of good luck?

I hear there's a special candy made of chocolate and peanut butter specifically designed for playgrounds: Recess Pieces.

 

[moreluck]

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No , I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him
"Take me, young man. Take me now!"

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.

 

[moreluck]

Q: How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it might take all day.

Q: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
A: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Q: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
A: The term comes with a 10% discount.

Q: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
A: Tied shoes.

Q: Why do retirees count pennies?
A: They are the only ones who have the time.

Q: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
A: Nuts !!

Q: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
A: They know as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Q: What do retirees call a long lunch?
A: Normal

Q: What is the best way to describe retirement?
A: The never ending coffee break.

Q: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
A: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Q: Why does a retiree say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people?
A: He's too polite to tell the whole truth.

 

[moreluck]

PILOT TO PASSENGERS...

Sorry folks for the hard landing. It wasn't my fault, and it wasn't the plane's fault. It was the asphault.

 

[moreluck]

Sex in the Dark

A couple that was married for 20 years always made love with the lights off.

Well, after 20 years, the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned the lights on.

She looked down... and saw that her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device -- a vibrator -- softer and larger than a real penis.

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

"I'll explain the toy... if you explain the kids."

 

[moreluck]

IF JERUSALEM HAD REPORT CARDS....

Mid-term Report for Student: J. Christ

ARTS and CRAFTS: B Obviously has imagination and creativity; student is a good potter ... enjoys working with dirt and water.

COMMUNITY LIVING: A Very keen on all aspects of community.

CONSUMER EDUCATION: C+ Has interesting ideas about alternative lifestyles, if a bit impractical.

ENGLISH: D+ Understands all aspects of the language but insists on speaking only in parables and metaphors.

GENERAL SCIENCE: D Although his transmutation of water into wine was the talk of the school for weeks.

GEOGRAPHY: C- Keeps talking about the Rock of Ages instead of the ages of rock.

GRAPHIC ARTS: D Prefers to draw with a stick in the sand instead of pencil on paper.

HEALTH: A Shows a remarkable aptitude for first aid and knowledge of the human body.

HISTORY: A Excellent pupil of ancient history, especially religious history.

HOME ECONOMICS: A+ This kid really knows how to stretch a loaf of bread and a fish fillet!

MATHEMATICS: D Cannot seem to grasp fundamentals. Keeps going on about "The Father and I are One."

MUSIC and DRAMA: B+ A keen member of the school choir; at times can be frighteningly dramatic.

PHYSICAL EDUCATION: D- Student particularly upset the swim coach when he insisted on walking across the pool instead of doing the butterfly kick.

RELIGION: D When asked "Who made the world?" student persisted in answering "My Dad."

WOODWORKING: A Excellent carpentry. Obviously had help at home.

TEACHER'S SUMMARY This boy has a very unhealthy tendency to form gangs. He has organized twelve of his friends into a gang and is seen constantly in the company of publicans and sinners. He needs to be more selective in his choice of friends. Also, he should learn to keep his hair at a tidy length and not wear sandals with the school uniform.

 

[moreluck]

A young pupil asked, "Master, what is fate."

"Ah, my son, it is what has brought great nations together. It has made the
world a smaller place in which to live. It has inspired men of worth to work
endless hours. It will some day enable men to span the universe and light
years of travel will soon become mere seconds in time."

"And that, my master, is fate?"

"Oh, fate! I thought you said freight."

 

[moreluck]

Afternoon Delight.....

A gentleman staying at the Ritz Hotel in London removes a card offering sexual services from a telephone box in Piccadilly. Back at the hotel he rings the number. A lady with a silky soft voice answers and asks if she can be of assistance. The gentleman says, "I'd like some afternoon delight." The lady says, "I think it sounds intriguing, sir, but you might like to press 9 first to get an outside line."

 

[moreluck]

A Place of Balance

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it.
I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?", inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth, "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot.
Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land mass and said, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Florida, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and climate. The people from Florida are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world.

They will be extremely sociable, hardworking and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God?" You said there would be balance!" God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I'm sending them from the North every winter!

 

[moreluck]

Say It S-l-o-w-l-y

A man and his wife were driving their RV across Florida and were nearing a town called Kissimmee. They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it -- KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME?


They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town. Since they were hungry, they pulled into a restaurant to get something to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress; "My wife and I can't seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand?"

The woman looked at him and said; "Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng."

 

[moreluck]

Interesting Florida Facts!

• The names of two of the approach procedures that all aircraft follow into their arrival at Orlando International Airport are named GOOFY TWO and MINEE TWO. Any pilot that flies into there can confirm this.
• Gatorade was named for the University of Florida Gators where it was first developed.
• Flamingos get their pink color from the shrimp they eat. The more shrimp they eat the deeper pink they become.
• There are 13,983,816 ways to combine six of those bouncing Florida lottery balls.
• More than 100 episodes of Sea Hunt starring Lloyd Bridges were filmed at Silver Springs between 1958 and 1961.
• A crypt in Key West is inscribed "I told you I was sick."
• The Everglades National Park encompasses 2,100 square miles and contains the largest mangrove forest and the slowest moving river in the world.
• Florida is not the southernmost state in the United States. Hawaii is farther south.
• Florida is the only state that has two rivers with the same name. There is a Withlacoochee in north central Florida (Madison County) and a Withlacoochee in central Florida. They have nothing in common except the name.
• The actress, Delta Burke, represented Orlando and became Miss Florida in 1974.
• Dick Pope, founder of Cypress Gardens, is known as the "Father of Florida Tourism".
• Stephen Foster, who wrote "Old Folks at Home," Florida's state song, never even saw the Suwannee River, nor did he ever step foot in Florida.
• An average annual commercial harvest of Apalachicola Bay oysters produces enough meat to cover a football field three deep.
• Tampa's Bayshore Boulevard is touted as the world's longest countinuous sidewalk. It is a popular waterfront gathering place for joggers and in-line skate enthusiasts.
• Once a year, thousands of Floridians stand at the state line and toss dead fish into Alabama. It's the annual Mullet Toss hosted by Flora-Bama Beach Bar in Pensacola. It's just "a silly excuse for a huge beach party."
• The Seven Mile Bridge, that crosses between Marathon and the Lower Keys, was built in 1982 – in pieces – then shipped to the Keys to be assembled.
• There is a bed & breakfast, WildLife on Easy Street, on the outskirts of Tampa that allows you to cuddle with an endangered cat of your choice for just a $100 donation to the refuge. You can choose baby bobcats, cougars, and leopards.

 

[moreluck]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what ! my husba nd and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work, a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. This was done on top of a bus," he said.
"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes, the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approaced, I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh . . . 'equipment'?"
"It's true, Ma'am. Yes, well, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"
"Oh, yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted!!​

 

[moreluck]

You might be owned by a cat if............

The position you sleep in bed is determined by where the cat is on the bed.

You wait to use the bathroom until the cat is finished drinking water out of the toilet.

You hide to eat your favorite food so you don’t have to share it with the cat.

You open the door to let the cat out and then open it to let the cat back in more than five times in one hour.

You have to retype a paper because the cat walked across the keyboard while you were not looking.

 

[moreluck]

You might be a school employee if ....

you believe the playground should be equipped with Ritalin salt lick

you want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to work 8 to 3:30 and have summers off

it is difficult to name your own child because there's no name you can come up with that doesn't bring high blood pressure as it is uttered

you can tell it's a full moon or if it going to rain, snow, hail..anything!!! without ever looking outside

when out in public, you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know and correct their behavior

you laugh uncontrollably when people refer to the staff room as the "lounge."

you think caffeine should be available in intravenous form

meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question, "Why is this kid like this?"

 

[moreluck]

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The blonde opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death also.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said, "he makes his own lunch."

 

[moreluck]

Cowboy

The cowboy walked into the tack shop. "How much for a pair of spurs?" he
asked the sales clerk.

"Forty dollars."

The cowboy looked in his wallet, thought for a moment, then pulled out a
twenty. "I'll take one spur."

"What'll you do with just one?" the clerk asked.

The cowboy replied, "I figger if I can get one side of the horse movin', the
other side'll go too."

 

[moreluck]

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs......... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.

My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when

I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."



I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with "the girls".

It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that

the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right

by the club head. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro shop where I bought it?