Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Dumb Florida Laws

Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.
A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.
If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.
It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.
Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.
Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal.
It is illegal to skateboard without a license.
You may not fart in a public place after 6 P.M. on Thursdays.
It is considered an offense to shower naked.
You are not allowed to break more than three dishes per day, or chip the edges of more than four cups and/or saucers.
You may not kiss your wife's breasts.
Penalty for horse theft is death by hanging.
It is illegal to block any traveled wagon road.

 

[moreluck]

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS

40-ish - 49
Adventurous - Slept with everyone
Athletic - No tits
Average looking - Ugly
Beautiful - Pathological liar
Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure - On medication
Feminist - Fat
Free spirit - Junkie
Friendship first - Former very *friendly* person
Fun - Annoying
New Age - Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded - Desperate
Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate - Sloppy drunk
Professional - Bitch
Voluptuous - Very Fat
Large frame - Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate - Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you maroon!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you
ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

And finally.....

A recent scientific study found that women find
different male faces attractive depending on where
they are in their menstrual cycle.

For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer
a man with rugged, masculine features.

However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man
doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck
in his eye and baseball bat shoved up his ass.

 

[moreluck]

On a U.S. cruiser the officer of the deck asked the starboard lookout, "What would you do if a sailor was washed overboard?"

"I'd yell MAN OVERBOARD!" answered the lookout snappily.

"Good," said the officer. "Now what would you do if an officer fell overboard?"

The lookout asked, "Which one, sir?"

 

[moreluck]

What ??

My marriage brought with it three adult stepchildren (only one of whom I met before the wedding) and a cat. A few weeks after our marriage, my husband and I invited the children to our apartment for a get-to-know-you dinner. I was nervous and wanted to impress the kids with my ability to take care of their father and his cat. The apartment was neat and tidy, and I had cooked a lovely dinner. We greeted the kids with hugs, but they paid as much attention to the cat as to me. Wanting them to know my regard for the cat, I blurted out, "I've never lived with an animal before I married your father."

 

[moreluck]

What I Want in a Man

Original List:
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An ima ginative, romantic lover




What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week



What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture



7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach

8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids ​

9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends ​

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62) ​

​

. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed ​

2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public

3. Doesn't borrow money too often

4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends ​

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72) ​

​

​

​

​

1.Doesn't scare small children​

2. Remembers where bathroom is

3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep

4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes ​

​

8. Likes soft foods ​

9. Remembers where he left his teeth

10. Remembers that it's the weekend ​

​

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 82)​

​

1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.

 

[moreluck]

An event with only 1 second of existence


At Three minutes and Four seconds after 2:03 AM on the 6th of May this year,
the time and date will be 02:03:04 05/06/07.
This will never happen again.

 

[moreluck]

The 5 Levels of Drinking...

LEVEL 1: It's 11pm on a weeknight, you've had a few beers.

Just as you get up to leave because you have to work the next day, one of your friends buys another round -- one of your *unemployed* friends. Here, at level one, you think to yourself, "Oh come on, this is silly, as long as I get seven hours of sleep, I'll be fine."

LEVEL 2: It's midnight. You've had a few more beers.

You've just spent 20 minutes arguing against the use of artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours of sleep, I'm cool."

LEVEL 3: 1am. You've abandoned beer for tequila.

You've just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR the use of artificial turf. And now you're thinking, "Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen!"

At level three, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom, you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You get drinking fantasies (like, "Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could live together forever. We could do it. Tommy, you could cook."). But at level three, that devil is a little bit bigger... and he's buying. And you're thinking, "Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours of sleep... and a complete change of blood, I'm cool."

LEVEL 4: 2am. And the devil is bartending.

For last call, you ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf!

This time, on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the bar just because you don't like his face! And now you're thinking, "Our busboy is the best looking man I've ever seen." You and your friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows an afterhours bar.

Here, at level four, you actually think to yourself, "Well... as long as I'm only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well stay up all night! Yeah! That'd be good for me. I don't mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I'll turn that around, make it work for me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow, I'm cool."

LEVEL 5: 5am.

After unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at the tattoo parlor ("But I don't even know anybody named Simon!"), you and your friends wind up across the state line in a bar with guys who have been in prison as recently as... that morning. It's the kind of place where even the devil is saying, "Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta be in Hell by nine."

At this point, you're all drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself, "Someday I'm gonna marry that girl!" One of your friends stands up and screams, "WE'RE DRIVIN' TO VEGAS, BABY!!!!!" -- and passes out.

You crawl outside for air, and then you hit the worst part of level 5 -- the sun. You weren't expecting that were you? You never do. You walk out of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their way to work or worse, jogging. And they look at you and they know. And they say, "Who's Simon?" Let's be honest, if you're 19 and you stay up all night, it's like a victory -- you've beat the night. But if you're over 30, then that sun is like God's flashlight.

We all say the same prayer and then, "I swear, I will never do this again as long as I live!" And some of us have that little addition, "and this time, I mean it!"

 

[moreluck]

While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of medical
students.

"As you can see," she says, "the patient limps because his left fibula and
tibia are radically arched. Michael, what would you do in a case like this?"

"Well," ponders the student, "I suppose I'd limp too."

 

[moreluck]

The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu.
If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment
immediately:

1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to poop on someone's windshield.

 

[moreluck]

Guts or Balls??


We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

 

[moreluck]

Hollywood —

Al Sharpton held a rally outside NBC headquarters in New York City today to demand that the network fire Alec Baldwin for calling his 11-year-old daughter a “rude, thoughtless little pig.” “He can’t throw words like that around and expect to get away with it,” said Sharpton. “Pigs are neither selfish nor thoughtless.”

Baldwin stars in the NBC sitcom “30 Rock” and Sharpton is asking his civil and swine rights supporters to boycott the program.
“Alec Baldwin’s comments were diabolical and offensive to hogs everywhere,” said Sharpton. “I know pigs really well. I’ve eaten tons of them over my lifetime, and they are the least self-centered animals on this planet. Someone has to stand up for the swine. Mr. Baldwin, you’ve gone too far with your insensitive, corroding words.”
Sharpton was a key factor in getting radio host Don Imus fired for referring to members of the mostly black Rutgers team as “nappy-headed hos.”
“Al Sharpton is an activist, but he’s also a shrewd businessman,” said Craig Goldman, Chief Media Analyst for the Daily Journal-Bulletin. “The Don Imus contoversy is dying down and he needs a new star to accuse of bigotry. It really makes sense for him to diversify his outrage business beyond civil rights into animal rights.”

NBC released a statement late this afternoon: “This is a private matter between Mr. Baldwin and his family and we will thus not be taking any disciplinary action. Unless we lose a sponsor, in which ase Mr. Baldwin will be fired immediately.”
The festering bad blood between exes Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger erupted last week when Baldwin left an angry phone message for his daughter that was leaked to TMZ.com.
“You don’t have the brains or the decency as a human being,” Baldwin says on the message, apparently upset his daughter did not answer a planned call. “Your mother hasn’t been in a good film since ‘L.A. Confidential.’ That was 10 years ago. Did you see her last movie ‘The Sentinel?’ The New York Times called her ‘inert’ and ‘expressionless.’ Yet I just won a Golden Globe for best supporting actor in a comedy. And I’m the one whose calls you won’t take?! You’re a rude, thoughtless little pig!”

Sharpton isn’t the only media personality criticizing Baldwin for his controversial voice mail message.
“He must be a very stupid man for leaving such a dumb recording like that when he knows it could get out,” said Bill O’Reilly.
“I’ve interviewed him many times, and he should be ashamed by his actions,” said Pat O’Brien, the host of “The Insider.”
As for Sharpton, he has invited Alec Baldwin to come on his radio show so he can “grovel and apologize.” Baldwin has, so far, declined the invite, but his brothers Stephen and Daniel Baldwin have offered to appear on his behalf at any time. “Our schedules are completely open,” the pair said in a press release.

 

[moreluck]

Military Speak....

One reason the Military Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.

The Army would occupy the building so no one could enter.

Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.

The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

 

[moreluck]

Woman says / Man hears........

What a woman says:

This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
you'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do laundry right now! What a man hears:

blah,blah,blah,blah, C'MON
blah,blah,blah,blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah,blah,blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah,blah,blah,blah, NO CLOTHES
blah,blah,blah,blah, RIGHT NOW

 

[moreluck]

Police Exams

Having successfully passed all the written exams and physical requirements to join the police, my daughter was now being interviewed. One of the questions was, "What would you do if you were out on patrol with a male officer and he drove to a secluded area and started making advances to you?" My daughter didn't hesitate, "Is this before or after I'm issued a pistol?" she replied. She's now a police officer.

 

[moreluck]

No Mo Ho !!

Because of the recent incidence with Don Imus, Al Sharpton and others are insisting that changes take place in our country.

Santa Claus will be banned as he utters the clearly racist and misogynistic exclamation, "Ho, ho, ho!"

Pirate movies will be censored if they contain the phrase "Yo, ho, ho."

All references to the Seven Dwarfs will be punishable due to the song "High-ho!" which is offensive to sex workers of enhanced stature.

Any mention of farmers will cease due to their use of hoes, a racist, sexist farm implement.

The Lone Ranger will be eliminated from popular culture because he uses the patently offensive phrase, "Hi Ho Silver"

All "Ho-downs" will be terminated as a racist affront to non- Southern White Christians.

All travel to Ho Chi Minh City will be banned.

The phrases "Heave-Ho," "Gung Ho," and "Tally Ho!" will be expunged from the English language.

 

[moreluck]

Job Applicant

The interviewer examined the job application then turned to the prospective employee. "I see you have put 'ASAP' down for the date you are available to start, meaning as soon as possible, of course.

However, I see you've put 'AMAP' down for required salary. I don't believe I've ever seen that before, what does it mean?"

The applicant replied, "As much as possible!"

 

[moreluck]

YOU KNOW YOU ARE ADDICTED TO COFFEE IF..........

You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

You sleep with your eyes open.

You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.

You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

You chew on other people's fingernails.

The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.

You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.

You can jump-start your car without cables.

You don't sweat, you percolate.

You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.

You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

People get dizzy just watching you.

Instant coffee takes too long.

You channel surf faster without a remote.

You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

You short out motion detectors.

You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

You help your dog chase its tail.

You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

You ski uphill.

You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

You answer the door before people knock.

You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

 

[moreluck]

Parents always make ridiculous predictions about their kids. The day my little boy was born, a friend of mine called me. His little girl was born the day before, and he said, "Who knows? Maybe they'll end up getting married." My little boy is a day old. His daughter is 2 days old. He's not going to marry someone twice his age!

 

[moreluck]

ALL GRANDPAS, HEED THIS WARNING :
Do NOT lose your Grand kids in the Mall !

A small boy got separated from his grandfather amidst all
the Fiesta Bowl apparel shopping frenzy at the Boise Towne
Square mall. Being a cool headed lad , he approached a
policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa."

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,
"Crown Royal whiskey and women with big boobs

 

[moreluck]

How to avoid shark attacks:

1. Never Leave Kansas

2. Roll in manure before diving. Sharks hate anything breaded.

3. Always dive with a buddy. On shark's approach, point to buddy.

4. Dive with a briefcase. Shark may mistake you for an attorney
and leave you alone out of professional courtesy