Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Sextant

Since their boss was an avid yachtsman, everyone in the office chipped in to buy him a sextant for a birthday present. Adamson volunteered to make the purchase, and when he learned the marine supply store was out of stock, he phoned the local sporting goods store. When he burst out laughing and hung up, a co-worker asked what was so funny. "They transferred my call," Adamson explained, "and when I asked the woman who answered if they had a sextant, she said they had all kind of tents and what I did in them was my business."

 

[moreluck]

Signs Your SUV Is Too Big...........

The last time you took your kids to a Monster Truck pull the parking attendants directed you right onto the stadium racetrack.

When you replaced your tires, Goodyear stock went up five dollars a share for the quarter.

Your garage is larger than your house.

One of those "Oversize Load" escort trucks has to precede you down the interstate.

Your kids refer to riding the bus to school as "downsizing."

Before you go out, you have to file for a parade permit.

You're the first one in your neighborhood to own a 2004 Halliburton-Rolling House S-Class twin-turbo.

It has its own gravitational field and has drawn a Geo Metro into orbit.

There are two successful Starbucks franchises located in the back.

It doubles as a carport for your Taurus.

It's great for soccer moms, since the back seat folds down into an entire field, complete with goals.

You need a Sherpa and an oxygen tank to reach the driver's seat.

Your buddy riding shotgun is in a different time zone.

Mortgage payment = $2200. Texaco card payment = $2201.

You get a letter from Hans Blix demanding that it be dismantled immediately because it qualifies as a WMD.

 

[moreluck]

Talking To Chelsea.....

A combat decorated soldier was talking to Chelsea Clinton and she asked him what he feared most.

He said there were only 3 things he was afraid of --

"Osama, Obama, and Yo Mama"

 

[moreluck]

Portrait

A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."

"But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied.

"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."

 

[moreluck]

I was shocked, confused, bewildered
As I entered Heaven's door,
Not by the beauty of it all,
Nor the lights or its decor.
But it was the folks in Heaven
Who made me sputter and gasp--
The thieves, the liars, the sinners,
The alcoholics, the trash...
There stood the kid from seventh grade
Who swiped my lunch money twice.
Next to him was my old neighbor
Who never said anything nice.
Herb, whom I always thought
Was rotting away in hell,
Was sitting pretty on cloud nine,
Looking incredibly well.
I nudged Jesus, "What's the deal?
I would love to hear Your take.
How'd all these sinners get up here?
God must've made a mistake.
"And why's everyone so quiet,
So somber? Give me a clue."
"Hush, child," said He, "They're all in shock.
No one thought they'd be seeing you

Judge NOT
.

 

[moreluck]

"Chocolate Calories"

A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy 2 servings per night, and a few more on weekends. I consume 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week, which equals one pound of weight per week. Therefore...

In the last 3 1/2 years, I have had chocolate caloric intake of about 180 pounds, and I only weigh 165 pounds, so without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about 3 months ago!

I owe my life to chocolate.

 

[moreluck]

Teaching

While teaching one day, I could see one little girl was puzzled as to the meaning of the word jerk.

“Suppose you were driving with your Dad,” I said to her, “and he had to step on the brakes all of a sudden, and you went like this”...I pantomimed a rapid movement forward and back.

Understanding dawned in her eyes, and she said, “Oh, yes, 'cause there's a jerk in front of us.”

 

[moreluck]

Boss Issues.......

A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

 

[moreluck]

ANGELS EXPLAINED BY CHILDREN

I only know the names of two angels. Hark and Harold.
Gregory, 5

Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it.
Olive, 9

It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to heaven, and then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes.
Matthew, 9

Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else.
Mitchell, 7

My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science.
Henry, 8

Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows!!!
Jack, 6

Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead.
Daniel, 9

When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath, somewhere there's a tornado.
Reagan, 10

Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go north for the winter.
Sara, 6

Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good carpenter.
Jared, 8

All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn't go for it.
tonio, 9

My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth.
Katelynn, 9

Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the child get over it.
Vicki, 8

What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them.
Sarah, 7

 

[moreluck]

1915 - Rules for Teachers

1. You will not marry during the term of your contract.

2. You are not to keep company with men.

3. You must be home between the hours of 8 p.m. and 6 a.m. unless attending a school function.

4. You may not loiter downtown in ice cream stores.

5. You may not travel beyond city limits unless you have the permission of the chairman of the board.

6. You may not ride in a carriage or automobile with any man unless he is your father or brother.

7. You may not smoke cigarettes.

8. You may not dress in bright colors.

9. You may under no circumstances dye your hair.

10. You must wear at least two petticoats.

11. Your dresses must not be any shorter than two inches above the ankle.

12. To keep the school room neat and clean, you must:

*sweep the floor at least once daily
*scrub the floor at least once a week with hot, soapy water
*clean the blackboards at least once a day
*start the fire at 7 a.m. so the room will be warm by 8 a.m.

 

[moreluck]

Gas Station

A guy walks into a gas station and buys a pack of cigarettes. He pulls one out and starts smoking it.

The cashier says, "Excuse me sir, but you can't smoke in here."

The guy says, "Don't you think it's kinda dumb that I buy them here but can't smoke them here?"

And the cashier replies, "Not at all... we also sell condoms."

 

[moreluck]

A VERY BRAVE MAN WROTE THIS! Now he's dead - R.I.P.

A son went to his mom and asked, "Why are wedding dresses white?'

The mom said, "Son, it's to tell the family that the bride is pure."

The son then went to his dad and asked him the same question.

His dad said, "Son, it's a well known fact that all household appliances come in white."

 

[moreluck]

What Kids Really Think About Mom............

Why did God make mothers? She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.

Think about it, it was the best way to get more people...Mostly to clean the house.

What kind of little girl was your mom? I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy. They say she used to be nice.

What did Mom need to know about Dad before she married him? His last name...She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? Did he say 'no' to drugs and 'yes' to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad? My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom...eats a lot...My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

What makes a real woman? It means you have to be really bossy without looking bossy.

Who's the boss at your house? Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because Dad's such a goofball...I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads? Moms work at work and work at home,and dads just got to work at work...Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them...Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you gotta ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.

What does your mom do in her spare time? Mothers don't do spare time...To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What's the difference between moms and grandmas? About 30 years.

Describe the world's greatest mom? She would make broccoli taste like ice cream!...The greatest mom in the world wouldn't make me kiss my fat aunts!...She'd always be smiling and keep her opinions to herself.

Is anything about your mom perfect? Her teeth are perfect, but she bought them from the dentist...Her casserole recipes. But we hate them...Just her children.

What would it take to make your mom perfect? On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery...Diet. You know, her hair. I'd dye-it, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be? She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that...I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know, it was my...sister who did it and not me.

 

[moreluck]

Accountant in Heaven

An accountant dies and goes to Heaven. He reaches the pearly gates and is amazed to see a happy crowd all waving banners and chanting his name.

After a few minutes St. Peter comes running across and says, "I'm sorry I wasn't here to greet you personally. God is looking forward to meeting such a remarkable man as yourself."

The accountant is perplexed. "I've tried to lead a good life, but I am overwhelmed by your welcome," he tells St. Peter.

"It's the least we can do for someone as special as you are. Imagine, living to the age of 123 and still looking so young," says St. Peter.

The man looks even more dumbfounded and replies, "123 years old? I don't know what you mean. I'm only 40."

St. Peter replies, "But that can't be right - we've seen your time sheets!"

 

[moreluck]

A New Bill Of Rights

"We the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt ridden, delusional, and other liberal bed-wetters.

We hold these truths to be self evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim they require a Bill of NON-Rights."

ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.

ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc.; but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.

ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.

ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.

ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care.

ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.

ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.

ARTICLE VIII: You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have a job, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.

ARTICLE IX: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to PURSUE happiness, which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an over abundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.

ARTICLE X: This is an English speaking country. We don't care where you are from, English is our language. Learn it or go back to wherever you came from! (lastly....) NOW..

ARTICLE XI: You do not have the right to change our country's history or heritage. This country was founded on the belief in one true God. And yet, you are given the freedom to believe in any religion, any faith, or no faith at all; with no fear of persecution. The phrase IN GOD WE TRUST is part of our heritage and history, and if you are uncomfortable with it, TOUGH!!!!

 

[moreluck]

Too Young

My sister, went to the department store to check out the bridal registry of
our niece whose wedding was coming up soon. When my sister returned from
the store, she tossed the gift list on a table and declared, "I think she's
too young to get married."

"Why do you say that?" I asked.

"Because," she said, "they registered for Nintendo games."

 

[moreluck]

Subject: heartwarming story--you must read

A Heartwarming Story

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond
formed between a
little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that
will make you
believe
that we all can make a difference when we give a
child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant
lot. One day, a
construction crew turned up to start building a
house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally
took an interest in
all the activity going on next door and spent much of
each day observing
the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them
"gems-in-the-rough,"
more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They
chatted with her,let
her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch
breaks, and gave her
little jobs to do here and there to make her feel
important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented
her with a pay
envelope
containing ten dollars. The little girl took this
home to her motherwho
suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd
received to the
bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the
teller was equally
impressed and asked the little girl how she had come
by her very own
paycheck at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week
with a real workcrew
building the new house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and
will you be working
on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those s at Home Depot ever
deliver the friend#ckin' sheet rock..."


Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it?

 

[moreluck]

Laws of Household Physics.....

Ever notice that the laws of household physics are every bit as real as every other law in the universe? Here are a few examples:

1. A child's eagerness to assist in any project varies in inverse proportion to the ability to actually do the work involved.

2. Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one.

3. A newly washed window gathers dirt at double the speed of an unwashed window.

4. The availability of a ballpoint pen is inversely proportional to how badly it is needed.

5. The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will fill a two-car garage.

6. Three children plus two cookies equals a fight.

7. The potential for disaster is in direct proportion to the number of TV remote controls divided by the number of viewers.

8. The number of doors left open varies inversely with the outdoor temperature.

9. The capacity of any hot water heater is equal to one and one- half sibling showers.

10. What goes up must come down, except for bubble gum, kites and slightly used Rice Krispies.

11. Place two children in a room full of toys and they will both want to play with the same toy.

 

[moreluck]

friend In Arithmetic

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an friend in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father.

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' and I said '6'"

"But that's right!"

"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the friend*#king difference?"

"That's exactly what I said!"

 

[moreluck]

Old Benny..............

An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily, a farmer passed by with his big old horse named Benny.

The man asked for help. The farmer said that Benny could pull his car out, so he backed the horse up and hitched it to the man's car bumper.

Then he yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!"

Benny didn't move.

Then he yelled, "Come on, pull Ranger."

Still, Benny didn't move.

Then he yelled really loud, "Now pull, Fred, pull hard."

Benny just stood.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Okay, Benny, pull."

Benny pulled the car out of the ditch.

The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling he wouldn't even try."