Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

WHEN I WAS A KID by Robert G. Lee

My father loved to tell those "I-had-it-so-rough- growing-up" stories. And I'm not talking about that "I-had-to-walk-ten-miles- through-snow" story. No, that was for amateurs. My dad was raised in the Great Depression. He had to carry ice on his back and sell it door-to-door in the dead of winter. He made five cents a year and gladly shared it with the other twenty families living together in a one-bathroom house. And once a week they would go out and help people less fortunate than themselves, which to my mind were lepers and dead people. I couldn't figure out who could be less fortunate than my father's family.

He had a story for everything. If I complained about my homework, I got this one: "When I was a boy, we couldn't afford books. I had to go to the library and copy the entire encyclopedia by hand. But we couldn't afford paper either, so I had to scratch it on the back of a sheet of ice and run it home before it melted."

This gives me so much to live up to with my own kids. The only story I can tell them is that I never had a VCR when I was growing up.

 

[moreluck]

Actual call center conversations!
Customer: "I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't getthrough, can you help?"
Operator: "Where did you get that number, sir?"
Customer: "It's on the door of your business."
Operator: "Sir, those are the hours that we are open."+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++Samsung ElectronicsCaller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about."Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearlystates that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack beforecleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"Operator: "I think it means the telephone plug on the wall."

 

[moreluck]

OLD AGE............

The other day a young person asked me how I felt about being old. I was
taken aback, for I do not think of myself as old. Upon seeing my reaction,
she was immediately embarrassed, but I explained that it was an interesting
question, and I would ponder it, and let her know.

Old Age, I decided, is a gift.


I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always
wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometime despair over my body, the
wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the sagging butt. And often I am taken aback
by that old person that lives in my mirror (who looks like my mother!), but
I don't agonize over those things for long.

I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family
for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become more kind
to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my ow n friend.
I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my
bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so
avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be
extravagant.
I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they
understood the great freedom that comes with aging.
Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM
and sleep until noon?

I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60&70's, and if I,
at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love .. I will.

I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body,
and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the
pitying glances from the jet set.

They, too, will get old.

I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again , some of life is just as
well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not
break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when
somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give
us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is
pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and
to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face.
So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could
turn silver.

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what
other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the
right to be wrong.


So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like
the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am
still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or
worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day. (If
I feel like it)

 

[moreluck]

Geography Of Men & Women
The GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40 a woman is like Italy. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.

After 70, they become like Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 13 and 80 a man is like the US - ruled by a dick.

 

[moreluck]

Fiftieth.....
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The Policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secre t to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago, that wasn't an electric fence."

 

[moreluck]

An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phoney beard sat
down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked,
"Going to a party?"
"Yeah," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."
"But you look like Abe Lincoln," protested the barkeep.
"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."

 

[moreluck]

Q & A

Q. Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A. To find a tight seal.

Q. What's the speed limit of sex?
A. 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

Q. Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
A. She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"

Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Q. If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?
A. K9P.

Q: What's another name for pickled bread?
A. Dill-dough.

Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
A: She's withholding evidence.

Q. What's the difference between light and hard?
A. You can sleep with a light on.

Q. Why is sex like a bridge game?
A. You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q. Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
A. Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.

 

[moreluck]

2 Dwarfs

Two dwarfs pick up two hookers and take them to their hotel rooms.The first dwarf not only can't get a hard-on, but all night he hasto listen to the other dwarf and the other hooker grunting "One,two three, uhh...one, two three, uhh..." In the morning, the second dwarf says to the first dwarf, "So how was it?" The first dwarf says,"It sucked. I couldn't get a hard-on all night." The second dwarf says,"You think that's bad? I couldn't even get up on the bed."

 

[moreluck]

Irish Drinking.....

An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie. It says, "I will give you three wishes."

The man thinks awhile. Finally he says, "I want a beer that never is empty."

With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer. The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next two wishes.

The man says, "I want two more of these."

 

[moreluck]

Atlanta officials proposed an ordinance Tuesday banning low-riding baggy pants worn by street gangs. Not everyone likes the idea. The police say the inability of gang members to run in low-slung pants is responsible for the increase in captures.

Argus Hamilton

 

[satellitedriver]

For us older folks,

"The senility prayer"

God grant me the senility,
to forget the people I never liked.
The good fortune,
to run into the ones that I do.
And the eyesight,
to tell the difference.

Amen

 

[moreluck]

IT'S SO HOT & DRY IN TEXAS

- the birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground

- the trees are whistling for the dogs.

- the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

- hot water now comes out of both taps.

- you can make sun tea instantly.

- you learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.

- you discover that in August it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.

- you discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.

- you actually burn your hand opening the car door.

- you break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.

- you realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

 

[moreluck]

Perfect Woman....

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad, impetuous things and made me miserable as often as she made me happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now 40, and am looking for a woman with very big breasts.

 

[moreluck]

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died ​

and went to heaven.

At the pearly gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a
good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is,
you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about this for a minute and then said, "I want to hang
out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who
invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"

Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."

God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's
pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but
aren't you the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major
design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions; 2. It
chatters constantly at high speeds; 3. Most of the rear ends are too
soft and wobble too much; 4. The intake is placed way too close to the
exhaust; 5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"

"Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."

God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in some key words and
waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and
God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur,
"but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours.

 

[moreluck]

How To Drive in Los Angeles

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name: it is L.A.

2. The morning rush hour is 5:00 AM. to noon. The evening rush hour is noon to 7:00 PM. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 MPH. On the 105 or 110, your speed is expected to match the highway number. Anything less is considered "wussy".

4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. L.A. has it's own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a 4-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, in Malibu, SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended, cussed out and possibly shot.

6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It's another offense that can get you shot.

7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in all of L.A. and Orange counties. Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting.

8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, cats, barrels, cones, celebs. rubber-neckers, shredded tires, cell-phoners, deer and other road kill, and the coyotes feeding on any of these items.

9. Map Quest does not work here....none of the roads are where they say they are or go where they say they do and all the freeway off & on ramps are moved each night.

10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally activated".

11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65 MPH zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be "flipped off" accordingly.....if you return the flip, you'll be shot.

12. Do not try to estimate travel time .... just leave Monday afternoon for Tuesday appointments, by noon Thursday for Friday and right after church on Sunday for anything on Monday morning.

And finally.....why is the L.A. freeway called the "405" ??

Because no matter where you are going, it takes 4 or 5 hours to get there.

 

[moreluck]

An Attorney and the Devil​

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him.
The Devil said to the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners."
The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"

 

[moreluck]

There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.

Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.

He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, "Dr. Jones,
Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy -- Either way, you get your dog back!"

 

[moreluck]

Being Irish Means......

*you will never play professional basketball

* you swear very well

* at least one of your cousins holds political office

* you think you sing very well

* you have no idea how to make a long story short

* you are very good at playing a lot of very bad golf

* there isn't a huge difference between losing your temper and killing someone

* much of your food was boiled

* you have never hit your head on the ceiling

* you spent a good portion of your childhood kneeling

* you're strangely poetic after a few beers

* you're poetic a lot

* you will be punched for no good reason...a lot

* some punches directed at you are legacies from past generations

* your sister will punch you because your brother punched her

* many of your sisters are Catherine, Elizabeth or Mary...and one is Mary Catherine Elizabeth

* someone in your family is incredibly cheap

* it is more than likely you

* you don't know the words but that doesn't stop you from singing

* you can't wait for the other guy to stop talking so you can start talking

* "Irish Stew" is the euphemism for "boiled leftovers from the fridge"

* you're not nearly as funny as you think you are, but what you lack in talent, you make up for in frequency

* there wasn't a huge difference between your last wake and your last kegger party

* you are, or know someone, named "Murph"

* if you don't know Murph, then you know "Mac"

* if you don't know Murph or Mac, then you know "Sully"

* you'll probably also know Sully McMurphy

* you are genetically incapable of keeping a secret

* your parents were on a first name basis with everyone at the local emergency room

and last but not least... Being Irish means...

* your attention span is so short that---oh, forget it.

 

[moreluck]

Snowplow.....

One winter morning a couple is listening to the radio over breakfast. They hear the announcer say, "We are going to have eight to10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..." Then the electric power goes out. Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time, honey?"

 

[moreluck]

At dawn the telephone rings.



"Hello, Señor Jones? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Jones that your parrot died."

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Señor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird... What did he die from?"

"From eating horse meat, Señor Jones."

"Horse meat? Who the hell fed him horse meat?"

"Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Señor Jones."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Si, Señor Jones, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Señor"

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.

"What the hell?!....Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of some stupid candle?!"

"Si , Señor Jones."

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Señor Jones."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"

"Your wife's, Señor Jones... She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a burglar. So I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."


LONG SILENCE.............

"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep ..."