Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Cosmetics Line.....

Luke's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products she asked, "Darling, honestly what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Luke replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty-five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Luke interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."

 

[moreluck]

Funny Bumper Stickers.........

I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die .

Beer -- Helping Ugly People Get Laid Since 1837.

Rehab is for Quitters.

I may be drunk, but you are down right ugly, and I shall be sober in the morning

An Irishman is not drunk so long as he can hold on to one blade of grass and not fall off the earth.

A cat by any other name is still a furry little hairball that s behind the couch.

If my dog had a face as ugly as your's, I would shave his ass and teach him to walk backwards!

I need someone really bad, are you really bad?

I used to wonder why God made ugly people, then I realized it was so people like me could get a good laugh.

Can I have your number, I'll call you when my dog is in heat.

 

[moreluck]

Dumb Secretary

"Did you hear what happened?" Jim asked when he saw me walking down the hallway at work. "Hear what" I asked, my curiosity peaked.

"The regional vice president died this morning!"

"What?!" I asked, totally stunned. "What happened?"

"He was working through lunch when he had a heart attack" Jim began explaining. "Everyone was gone except his secretary. You know the one?"

"Boy do I. She's that young babe!"

"Yeah that's the one. Turns out she isn't too smart, though."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"He kept yelling at her to 'call 9-1-1'. She just stood there waiting for him to give her the rest of the phone number."

 

[traveler]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.

The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

 

[moreluck]

The North and South.....

The North has Bloomingdale's, the South has Dollar General.

The North has coffee houses, the South has Waffle Houses.

The North has dating services, the South has family reunions.

The North has switchblade knives; the South has Lee Press-on Nails.

The North has double last names; the South has double first names.

The North has Indy car races; The South has stock car races.

North has Cream of Wheat, the South has grits.

The North has green salads, the South has collard greens.

The North has lobsters, the South has crawfish.

The North has the rust belt; the South has the Bible Belt.

AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.

 

[moreluck]

SIGNS YOU TEND TO RATIONALIZE:

You eat an entire half-gallon of ice cream in two days because you're worried about it spoiling.

You watch as much TV as possible because, well, someone spent a lot of money to put those shows on the air.

 

[moreluck]

An Old Farmer's Advice :

* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

* Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.

* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.

* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.

* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

* You cannot unsay a cruel word.

* Every path has a few puddles.

* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

* The best sermons are lived, not preached.

* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.

* Don't judge folks by their relatives.

* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.

* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.

* Always drink upstream from the herd.

* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.

* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly.


Leave the rest to God.....'nuff said

 

[moreluck]

A Redneck Brings His Daughter To The Gynocologist For Birth Control Pills.

The Dr. Asks,"is Your Daughter Sexually Active?"

The Redneck Says ,"naw, She Just Lays There Like Her Mother.

 

[moreluck]

THE E-MAIL BLESSING

Peace be unto you, your computer and the e-mail you receive this day.

May the mail you receive not require you to multiply it tenfold or return it within a limited time frame.

May the mail you receive not require you to take action to prove your love, friendship, or concern for the welfare of the sender.

May the mail you receive not start with Fw: Fw: Fw:, not contain strangely named attachments and contain a "."

May the mail you receive not require you to look closely at those on the playground to see if they are the non-missing children you are to be searching for.

May the mail you receive not cause you to change your eating habits to avoid plagues, pestilence and the eating of parts of things that you can't buy at Wal- Mart.

May the mail you receive not encourage you to carry a steel plate on which to sit in theaters or other public places.

May the mail you receive not encourage you to learn the 800 Number for the National Missing Child Bureau, Center for Disease Control or the FCC.

May your inaction to the mail you receive not cause the death of monks, missionaries, mothers or the misguided.

And above all may peace and harmony be yours until tomorrow!

 

[moreluck]

DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN ...?

All the girls had ugly gym uniforms?

It took five minutes for the TV warm up?

Nearly everyone's Mom was at home when the kids got home from school?


Nobody owned a purebred dog?

When a quarter was a decent allowance?


You'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny?


Your Mom wore nylons that came in two pieces?


All your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had their hair done every day and wore high heels?


You got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking, all for free, every time?

And you didn't pay for air? And, you got trading stamps to boot?

Laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box?
It was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents?


They threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed. . . and they did?


When a 57 Chevy was everyone's dream car...to cruise, peel out, lay rubber or watch submarine races, and people went steady?


No one ever asked where the car keys were because they were always in the car, in the ignition, and the doors were never locked?




Lying on your back in the grass with your friends

and saying things like, "That cloud looks like a "


and playing baseball with no adults to help kids with the rules of the game?


Stuff from the store came without safety caps and hermetic seals because no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger?


And with all our progress, don't you just wish, just once, you could slip back in time and savor the slower pace,and share it with the children of today?


When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited the student at home?

Basically we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc. Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! But we survived because their love was greater than the threat.

 

[moreluck]

STRANGE TRIVIA...............

Baby seals are called pups, but they're also referred to as "weaners."

Wine is mentioned in every book of the Bible, except for the book of Jonah.

The average American male has seven erections per day.

The White House, and its grounds, takes up 18 acres of land.

One in five people on Earth are Chinese.

In Spain, the TV drama Beverly Hills, 90210 is called Sensation of Living.

According to the official rules of baseball, no umpire may be replaced during a game unless he is injured or becomes ill.

The name for a teddy bear collector is "archtophilist."

The ferret is the third most popular companion mammal behind the dog and cat.

The swimming pool at the Biltmore Hotel in Coral Gables, Florida is the largest pool in the continental U.S. It covers half an acre and holds 600,000 gallons of water.

Captain Kangaroo was the first TV network kids show in the United States.

The egg of the typical hen has 7,000 tiny pores in its shell.

Catnip not only has an affect on house cats. It can also affect cougars and lions.

The chocolate chip cookie was invented in 1933.

The study of lightning is called "keraunopathology."

Albert Einstein married his first cousin.

P.T. Barnum was responsible for the very first international beauty contest.

Hors d'oeuvre, translated literally, means "outside of work."

If a lobster loses an eye, it will grow a new one.

 

[traveler]

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled "You can be THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE"

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterward, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands.

Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?

The wife replied, "The in' funeral director would be my first guess."

 

[traveler]

SOUTHERN GRANDMOTHER ON THE WITNESS STAND

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grand-motherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"


She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."


The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"


She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died on the spot.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

 

[moreluck]

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill him!"

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone."

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to
her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.

She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into t he forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the
next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

What is the moral of this story?????...........................
.OH, Come on...take a guess! Think about it...


(You're going to love this!)





And the moral is...

You can't kill two birds with one stone!

 

[moreluck]

Hurricane Dean slammed into Mexico Wednesday after blowing through the Yucatan the night before with one hundred mile-an-hour winds. The damage was unexpectedly light. More Mexicans lost their homes that day to adjustable rate mortgages in Tucson.

Argus Hamilton

 

[moreluck]

Strange....

Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history.
Spades - King David
Clubs - Alexander the Great
Hearts - Charlemagne
Diamonds - Julius Caesar


Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like its kissing the conveyor belt.

An Ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.

Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.

If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.

The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star Game.

If you put a raisin in a glass of champagne, it will keep floating to the top and sinking to the bottom.

The fingerprints of Koala Bears are virtually indistinguishable from those of humans, so much so that they could be confused at a crime scene.

The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.

There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

 

[moreluck]

Naming Viagara..........

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.


The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin. .


Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

 

[moreluck]

Injured Teacher......

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.
It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.
On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work.
When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
Discipline was not a problem from that day forth!

 

[moreluck]

Pet Shop

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetestlittle lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks,"Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees,leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

 

[moreluck]

50 Ways to Tell You're a NASCAR Fan


If you're sitting behind someone at a red light, and when it changes, you yell, "GREEN! GREEN! GREEN! GO! GO! GO!

If you were Rusty Wallace you would have just gone when the light turned yellow!

You know you're a Jeff Gordon fan if you go on green and cop pulls you over for going too soon on the green.

Time yourself on your wrist watch when you pull into the self serve gas n go.

On an highway or freeway or whatever entrance ramp you drive it like the esses at Sears Point.

If you say "But officer, I wasn't tailgating, I was drafting"

When you have an accident, the first thing you try to do is pull off the steering wheel.

The second thing you do is blame Robby Gordon.

Your name your first born Dale, Kyle, Jeff, Mark, Richard, Ward, Rusty, Ernie, Sterling, etc.

You paint a large 24 on the side of your car....

Watch tapes of old races on rain delay days

Plan family vacations around a race date

You go through Nascar withdrawls when there is no race on the weekend..

Have a poster of Benny Parsons above your bed

When you pass someone on the highway you refer to it as taking them on the inside.

Counting the cars to work as positions gained and when they pass you positions lost.

You associate numbers with drivers names when do your banking.

If you sign up for flu shots (at work) on Friday so you can fake sick in order to get home in time to see qualifying.

How about riding behind the same two dumdums riding side by side for SOOOOoooo long, that you decide to make it three wide down the front stretch, and pass them in the emergency lane (after looking, of course)

When your buddy is passing someone on the interstate, you're in the passenger seat yelling,"CAR HIGH !!!.....CLEAR!!

You teach your child to count like this... 1, Gordon, Wallace, Earnhardt, Hamilton, Terry Labonte, Martin, etc.
and then it confuses him because of the driver changes every year

Only the driver's side of your windshield gets cleaned.

You can get 12 cans of pop. 4 quarts of Gatorade, and 8 sandwiches into a 14" cooler and NOT squash anything.

You think nothing of getting up at 4am, driving for 5 hours, sitting in a traffic backup for 3 hours, baking in the sun, spending 5 hours to get out of the parking lot, driving 5 hours home, getting up the next morning at 5 am, going to work on 3 hours sleep, and telling everybody what a GREAT time you had.

You line your diecasts up in the same order as the starting grid each week.

You rearrange your diecasts to match the grid during cautions

You have a mini winners circle for your diecasts

You get caught stealing the lifesize cut out of your favorite driver from Foodlion.

When you drive up close behind somebody in hopes you can "get him loose" in order to be able to pass him.

Your mechanic has to remind you to stop referring to him as "your crew chief"

If every time you hop out at the gas station, you yell to your spouse to time you.

If your spouse has to keep telling you it's "your damn driveway, not victory lane".

If your find yourself having a tough time explaining to the patrol officer why you fell asleep and hit the wall during heavy traffic. (Sorry Dale, it was too good to pass up)

You blow a flat on the highway and get mad because it took you more than 19 seconds to change it.

The big story at your parties is how you put Dale Earnhardt into the wall at Talladega in your Nascar Racing 2 game.

You hit the car in front of you, and tell the police officer "Rubbin' is racin'!"

You think the first car at a stoplight is "on the pole."

You have to eat macaroni and cheese for a month because you bought too much memorabilia at the track.

At a stop light with two lanes each direction, you pull into the left lane because you 'qualified faster' than the guys on the right.

You have planned out a route to work where you only have to turn left.

When the spouse asks how your day was you start by saying, "Well, I had a real good car today..."

You consider slower cars in the left lane as "lapped traffic".

When traffic slows or stacks up, you wave your right hand from side to side, signaling to your buddy that there is trouble ahead.

Before traffic begins to resume regular speed again, you find yourself weaving side to side warming up the tires to optimum tempature.

When a car comes flying up from behind, you speed up trying to stay "on the lead lap". If he passes you, you try to pass him back to "get your lap back".

Let your buddy pass you at least once so he can get 5 bonus points.

Make sure you pass him back in time for the halfway money.

When renting a car, you ask for a black Monte Carlo.

You know you're a Dale Earnhardt Fan if you have an accident and you tell the cop it was someone elses fault.

If you can't balance your checkbook, but CAN explain the point system