Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

The Different Degrees of Hangover........

One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.

Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke --- yet you haven't pee'd once.

Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. (For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five ****s you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now...

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

 

[moreluck]

Communication Skills

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights (because they can't see each other using sign language).

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife proposes a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea! Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time."

"And if you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis... fifty times!"

 

[moreluck]

At College......

Classmates at college were lamenting the cost of long distance phone service and debating the relative advantages of AT&T, MCI, and Sprint.

"I've found CTC to be the cheapest plan around," offered one.

"CTC? Who are they?"

"You know," he responded. "Call Them Collect."

 

[moreluck]

Carmen
A gent spots a nice looking girl in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off he asked her name.
"Carmen," she replied.

That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation, "Who named you, your mother?"

"No, I named myself", she answered.

"Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?"

"Because I like cars, and I like men," she said looking directly into his eyes. "So what's your name?" she asked.

"Beersex."

 

[moreluck]

The young suitor was determined to win the heart of the girl he wanted to
marry, in spite of her rejection of his proposals a number of times.

He began what can only be called "Campaigning" and sent her a small token of
his affection every day for a month to her house.

Soon, the young lady fell in love with the UPS man.

 

[moreluck]

YOU WON'T HEAR THIS ON TV . . .

"Since absolutely nothing interesting happened today, we're just going to give you the weather and call it a night."

"Now that I've had a few minutes to consider it, Mr. Springer, I think my wife has a valid point . . ."

"Due to the extremely graphic nature of this program, we've changed our minds and decided not to show it at all."

"I don't really care if our team wins this game. I'm so exhausted I just want to get it over with."

"Since our ministry has all the money it needs at present, we won't be asking for any funds for the next six months."

"We're going to be running at least eight commercials now, so this would be a good time for you to get a snack."

 

[moreluck]

BIRTHDAY REMEMBRANCE...

This week we celebrate a special birthday. Monica Lewinsky turned 31. Can
you believe it?
It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her
hands and knees, and putting everything in her mouth.
They grow up so fast, don't they?

 

[moreluck]

The Chinese Wedding Night

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin.
Truth be told,
he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.


On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the
sheets as her
husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be
reassuring. "My darring,"
he whispers, "I know dis your firss time and you berry
frighten. I
pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting
- juss anyting
you want. you juss ask... so... whatchu want?" he
says, trying to
sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will
impress her.


A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently
(and eagerly) for
her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, "I
want to try
someting I have heard about from other gurls... Numbaa
69."


More thoughtful silence, this time from him.
Eventually, in a puzzled
tone he asks her...


"You want...........Garlic Chicken with steam
vegtable?"

 

[traveler]

INHERITANCE

A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband
and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season Oriole tickets. He paid for our house at the lake.
He paid for our country club membership,
and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"

The cabby said......

"I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a cold."

 

[moreluck]

Poor Boy



Columbus, OH (AP) - A seven-year old boy was at the center of a Franklin County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a courtruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody tohis aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat himmore than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boycried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence wasapparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedentedstep of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the childwelfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the University
of Michigan Wolverines, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable ofbeating anyone.

 

[moreluck]

Susan was being evaluated for mental problems and was asked by the doctor, "If a bus was coming down the hallway toward you, what would you do?"

Susan replied, "I would get in my Lear Jet and fly away!"

The doctor then asked, "Where did you get a Lear Jet?"

Susan replied, "The same place you got your bus!"

 

[moreluck]

The Mayonnaise Jar

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 Hours a day is not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and 2 cups of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full, and they agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes."

The professor then producedtwo cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contentsinto the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand.

The students laughed. "Now," said the professor,As the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize thatthis jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things - God, family, children, health, friends, and favorite passions - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained,your life would stillbe full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, house, and car.

The sand is everything else - the small stuff. "If you put the sand into the jar first," He continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your timeAnd energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

So - pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be timeto clean the house and fix the disposal. "Take care of the golf balls first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities.The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled, "I'm glad you asked." It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

 

[moreluck]

PMS and Light Bulbs............

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE? NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...

I'm sorry... what did you ask me?

 

[moreluck]

Senator Larry Craig got a court date Tuesday to allow him to try to erase his arrest for lewd conduct in a public men's room. He's a poor excuse for a lawmaker. Barney Frank would have shrugged off the badge and still picked up the undercover cop......Argus Hamilton

The New York Post reports that Britney Spears often feeds her children soda, candy, ice cream, and Doritos. *However, she says she‘s a strict mom. For example at bedtime both kids are restricted to only 3 Bud Lights. (Paul Dudley)


Experimental marijuana use in their past will no longer disqualify FBI agent wannabes. *Even a reasonable amount of transsexual cross-dressing will be allowed in honor of the founder, J. Edgar Hoover. (Bob Mills)

Scary Spice has filed an action to collect child support from Eddie Murphy through her attorney, Gloria Allred. *Who, coincidentally, is also known as "Scary." (Bob Mills)

 

[moreluck]

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: To show the armadillo that it was possible.

 

[moreluck]

The Politically Correct Battlefield ....................

They're not our enemy; they're our socio-political compliment.

We don't damage their aircraft; we make unauthorized in-flight modifications.

We don't spy; we deal in unreleased information.

They're not casualties; they're inoperative battle units.

We don't have scouts; we have unauthorized observers.

We don't miss; we fail to effectively engage the target.

We don't waste missiles; we run a non-cost-effective equipment exchange.

We don't attack; we aggressively move into pre-occupied territory.

We don't retreat; we reconsolidate at a previously held position.

We don't waste money, we fail to effectively utilize funding.

We're not at war; we're sanctioning with extreme prejudice.

 

[moreluck]

Two Ways to Look at Everything:

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My Goodness!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

 

[moreluck]

One day in Chicago ...

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago.


Nothing is moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window. The driver rolls down his window and asks,'What happened? What's the hold up?'



'Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson, and Al Sharpton.



They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.'



The driver asks, 'On average, how much is everyone giving?'



'About a gallon.'

 

[moreluck]

Western Wall........

In Jerusalem, a female journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was!
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.
"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"Sixty years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a wall."

 

[moreluck]

O.J. Simpson was named as a suspect by police in an armed burglary at the Palace Station Hotel in Las Vegas Friday involving sports memorabilia. His old friends in Los Angeles are sad over how far he's fallen in life. Palace Station is off the Strip.

Argus Hamilton