Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

moreluck

golden ticket member
Barry Bonds will play his last home game for San Francisco Giants fans tonight at Pacific Bell Park. Don't miss the festivities. Before the game, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger will appear on the Jumbotron and assure him there's life after steroids.

Argus Hamilton
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the campus intercom:

"Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing."

Twenty minutes later there was another announcement:

"The twelve hundred students, who went to move 26 cars, may now return to class."
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
This made me chuckle.....

At a workshop on dog temperament, the instructor noted that a test for a canine's disposition was for an owner to fall down and act hurt. A dog with poor temperament would try to bite the person, whereas a good dog would lick his owner's face or show concern. Once, while eating pizza in the living room, I decided to try out this theory on my two dogs. I stood up, clutched my heart, let out a scream and collapsed on the floor. The dogs looked at me, glanced at each other and raced to the coffee table for my pizza.
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Stevie in Japan

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely
packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he
asks if anyone would like him to play a request. A little old Japanese man
jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice

"Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied
career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes
into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the
whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts

"No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord".

A bit nonplussed by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives
straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor
chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this
impromptu show of his technical expertise.

The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a
Jazz chord".

Well and truly brassed off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate
his playing ability, Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smartie pants!
You get up here and do it!"

The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike, and
starts to sing.....

"A jazz chord to say I ruv you................."
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Scientific-speak

The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the mysterious language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading a PhD dissertation or academic paper.

"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"... I didn't look up the original reference.

"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"... These data are practically meaningless.

"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"... An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published.

"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"... The other results didn't make any sense.

"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"... This is the prettiest graph.

"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"... I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.

"IN MY EXPERIENCE"... Once

"IN CASE AFTER CASE"... Twice

"IN A SERIES OF CASES"... Thrice

"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"... I think.

"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"... A couple of others think so, too.

"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE"... Wrong.

"ACCORD1NG TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"... Rumor has it.

"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE FINDINGS"... A wild guess.

"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"... Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of Mountain Dew.

"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"... I don't understand it

"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"... They don't understand it either.

"THANKS ARE DUE TO JOE BLOTZ FOR ASSISTANCE WITH THE EXPERIMENT AND TO CINDY ADAMS FOR VALUABLE DISCUSSIONS"... Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.

"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"... A totally useless topic selected by my committee.

"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER 1NVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD"... I quit.
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Cuban Dog

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her all at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, the Poodle decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one of you who uses the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."
The sturdy, muscular black Labrador Retriever speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."
"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle, "that shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."
She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said, "How well can you do?"
"Um...I HATE liver and cheese!" blurts the Golden Retriever.
"My, my," said the Poodle, "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you?"
The last of the three males is a handsome exiled Cuban dog. He gives her a big smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says... "Liver alone, Cheese mine."
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez canceled his speech at the U.N. Tuesday. All the attention was on Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Every year the Tournament of Hitlers can only have one grand marshal and someone's feelings inevitably get hurt.

Kiefer Sutherland was arrested for drunk driving in West Hollywood Monday. The star made an illegal u-turn and was pulled over. The cops had a pretty good idea Kiefer Sutherland was drunk after he identified himself as Special Agent Jack Daniels.

Argus Hamilton
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Driving & Talking

While on the freeway, I was behind a pack of cars. The last driver was on the phone and drifting all over the road. This did not escape the attention of an CHP officer, who snuck up behind her and said over his loudspeaker, "If you can't stay in your lane while on the phone, pull over until the call is completed." Immediately eight cars pulled over.
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Answers Given on a Bible Knowledge Test..........

Noah's wife was Joan of Ark.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night.

Moses went to the top of Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments.

The seventh commandment is "thou shalt not admit adultery."

Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

The people who followed Jesus were called Decibels.

The espistles were the wives of the apostles.

One of the opossums was St. Matthew.

Salome danced in seven veils in front of King Herrod.

Paul preached acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

David fought the Finkelsteins, which a race of people who lived in Bible times.

The Jews had trouble throughout their history with unsympathic Genitals.

A Christian should have only one wife, this is called monotony.
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Which grandpa??

For years I had been telling my friend Pete that he ate too much fast food, but he always denied it. One day he admitted I was right.

"What change your mind?"

"My grandson. When my daughter told him I was coming to visit, he asked, 'Grandpa from Florida, or Grandpa from Pizza Hut?"
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Two priests attend the same church every Sunday. One drives and one rides a bike. One Sunday, the bike rider shows up without his bike.

The first priest asks, "Where is your bike?" The second answers, "I don't know if it was stolen or simply lost."

The first priest says, "Just recite the 10 Commandments when you are alone. When you get to Thou Shall Not Steal, you will get your bike back."

The next week, the second priest shows up with his bike. The first priest says, "See I told you it would work." The second priest says, "It sure did. When I got to Thou Shall not Commit Adultery, I remembered where I left it."
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Military Service ....... Today VS. 1945

1945 - NCO's had a typewriter on their desks for doing daily reports.
2007 - everyone has an Internet access computer, and they wonder why no work is getting done.

1945 - we painted pictures of girls on airplanes to remind us of home.
2007 - they put the real thing in the cockpit.

1945 - if you got drunk off duty your buddies would take you back to the barracks to sleep it off.
2007 - if you get drunk they slap you in rehab and ruin your career.

1945 - you were taught to aim at your enemy and shoot him.
2007 - you spray 500 bullets into the brush, don't hit anything, and retreat because you're out of ammo!

1945 - canteens were made of steel, and you could heat coffee or hot chocolate in them.
2007 - canteens are made of plastic, you can't heat anything in them, and the water always taste like plastic.

1945 - officers were professional soldiers first and they commanded respect.
2007 - officers are politicians first and beg not to be given a wedgie.

1945 - they collected enemy intelligence and analyzed it.
2007 - they collect your pee and analyze it.

1945 - if you didn't act right, the Sergeant Major put you in the brig until you straightened up.
2007 - if you don't act right, they start a paper trail that follows you forever.

1945 - medals were awarded to heroes who saved lives at the risk of their own.
2007 - medals are awarded to people who work at headquarters.

1945 - we defeated powerful countries like Germany and Japan.
2007 - we come up short against Iraq and Yugoslavia.

1945 - if you wanted to relax, you went to the rec. center, played pool, smoked, and drank beer.
2007 - you go to the community center and you can play pool.

1945 - if you wanted beer and conversation you went to the NCO or Officers' Club.
2007 - the beer will cost you $2.75, membership is forced, and someone is watching how much you drink.

1945 - the Exchange had bargains for soldiers who didn't make much money.
2007 - you can get better and cheaper merchandise at Wal-Mart.

1945 - we could recognize the enemy by their Nazi helmets.
2007 - we are wearing helmets that look just like theirs.

1945 - we called the enemy names like "Krauts" and "Japs" because we didn't like them.
2007 - we call the enemy the "opposing force" or "aggressor" because we don't want to offend them.

1945 - victory was declared when the enemy was defeated and all his things were broken.
2007 - victory is declared when the enemy says he is sorry.

1945 - a commander would put his butt on the line to protect his people.
2007 - a commander will put his people on the line to protect his butt.

1945 - wars were planned and run by generals with lots of important victories.
2007 - wars are planned by politicians with lots of equivocating.

1945 - we were fighting for freedom, and the country was committed to winning.
2007 - we don't know what we're fighting for, and the government is committed to social programs (used to be called 'socialism').

1945 - all you could think about was getting out and becoming a civilian again.
2007 - all you could think about was getting out and becoming a civilian again.
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
My sister's lack of sports knowledge recently became evident when we attended a hockey game. After one of the home players scored, the crowd screamed and the monitors around the rink flashed: " G O A L "

After cheering wildly, my sister turned and asked, "Who's Al?"
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Explanation of movie ratings......

G: Nobody gets the girl.

PG: The good guy gets the girl

.R: The bad guy gets the girl.

X: Everybody gets the girl!
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Hannibal Lector Jokes.........


Why does Hannibal Lecter like to eat Jehovah's Witnesses? Free delivery.

Why did Hannibal Lecter's doctor tell him to eat John Tesh? Because he's on a bland diet.

What does Hannibal Lecter call Michael Jackson? The other white meat.

What did Hannibal Lecter get after he ate Carl Lewis? The runs.

What does Hannibal Lecter call Janet Reno on a bun? A man-wich.

Why wouldn't Hannibal Lecter eat Joan Collins? Because she's passed her expiration date.

Why wouldn't Hannibal Lecter eat Jerry Seinfeld? Because he tastes funny.

What does Hannibal Lecter call Heidi Fleiss? Whore d'oeuvres.

What does Hannibal Lecter call a supermodel from Wisconsin? A quarter-pounder with cheese.

What does Hannibal Lecter call a van full of senior citizens? Meals on Wheels.

What does Hannibal Lecter call Robert Blake? Killer shrimp.

What does Hannibal Lecter call the singer Meatloaf? Meatloaf.

What did Hannibal Lecter call say to Pee Wee Herman? Hold the pickle.

What does Hannibal Lecter call Strum Thurman? A stale cracker.

What's Hannibal Lecter's favorite kind of Pepperidge Farm cookie? Alyssa Milano.

What does Hannibal Lecter call eating Barry Bonds? A grand slam breakfast.

Why doesn't Hannibal Lecter eat Bill Gates? Too rich.

What does Hannibal Lecter like with scrambled eggs? Kevin Bacon.

What does Hannibal Lecter call Saddam Hussein? Deadmeat.

Do you know why Hannibal Lecter won't eat members of the Clinton family? Too slimy.
What does Hannibal Lecter call Hillary Clinton? Frozen dinner.
What does Hannibal call Al Gore? A square meal.
What did Hannibal say when he ate Monica Lewinsky? "That went down fast."

Why does Hannibal eat so many people? He's a humanitarian.
Why doesn’t Hannibal eat Californians? Too many artificial ingredients.

What does Hannibal call a train of New Yorkers? A subway sandwich.
What does Hannibal call a Jehovah's witness? Free delivery.

Why won't Hannibal eat any hookers? Because tricks are for kids.

Why does Hannibal like a woman in a thong? Because he can eat and floss at the same time.

What does Hannibal call a circus tightrope walker? A well-balanced meal.
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Late one evening, a woman wanted to pick up some items at a convenience store. Uncertain that it would still be open she called to ask what time they would close. The man who answered told her, "Ten, but we start giving people dirty looks fifteen minutes earlier." :mad:
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
There was a congregation that decided to have four worship services each Sunday.

There was one for those new to the faith.

Another for those who liked traditional worship.

One for those who had lost their faith and would like to get it back.

And another for those who had a bad experience with church and were complaining about it.

They have names for each of the services: FINDERS, KEEPERS, LOSERS, WEEPERS.
 
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