Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

The Time Of Judgement

The Pope calls a meeting of all the cardinals.
When they had all assembled at the Vatican, he takes them into the meeting hall and states, "I have some really fantastic news and some very terrible news."
Of course, all the cardinals want to hear the good news first, so the Pope tells them, "Jesus Christ has returned to the world. The time of judgement is at hand, and our faith in his existence is justified."
After the commotion dies down a bit, one of the cardinals speaks up, asking what the terrible news is.
The Pope replies, "He was calling from Salt Lake City."

 

[moreluck]

This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School(California)
staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone
answering machine. This is the actual answering machine message for the school.

This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students
and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing
homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want
their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even
though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did
not complete enough schoolwork to pass their classes.


The outgoing message:

"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your
school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff
member,please listen to all the options before making a selection:


To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1

To make excuses for why your child did not do his work- Press 2

To complain about what we do - Press 3

To swear at staff members - Press 4

To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5

If you want us to raise your child - Press 6

If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone -Press 7

To request another teacher, for the third time this year -Press 8

To complain about bus transportation - Press 9

To complain about school lunches - Press 0

If you realize this is the real world and your child must be
accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work,
homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!

If you want this in Spanish, you must be in the wrong country.

 

[moreluck]

Government job..........


A guy goes to the U.S. Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "have you ever been in the service?"
"Yes," he says. "I was in Vietnam for 3 years." The interviewer says, "That wil give you extra points toward employment"
Then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "Yes 100% . . . a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."
The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right now.
The hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 am."

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 am?"
"This is a government job" the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls.... no point in you coming in for that."

 

[moreluck]

One of the British national daily newspapers is asking readers "What it
means to be British?"

Some of the emails are hilarious, but this from a chap in Switzerland is
probably the best

"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a
Belgian beer, then traveling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Chinese
takeaway on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on
a Japanese TV. And the most British thing of all? Dislike of anything
foreign."

 

[moreluck]

The Edge Index - Strange Stuff

Bozo the Clown's shoe size: 83AAA

Decline in number of IRS audits of corporations over the past five years: 33%

Amount it cost for a Japanese man to take a cab from Argentina to New York City:
$58,000

Amount of money a Norwegian woman has made since last May by selling her breast milk:
$9,442.95

Percentage of Americans who do not know the words to "The Star-Spangled Banner":
61%

According to a recent survey of more than 2000 adults, the percentage of Britons who think Winston Churchill was a fictional character: 9%


Percentage who think "The War of the Worlds," H.G. Wells' fictional account of a Martian invasion, actually took place: 6%

Percentage who think the Battle of Helm's Deep (from "The Lord of the Rings" trilogy) actually took place: 3%

Percentage who think the Battle of the Bulge was fictional: 57%

Percentage who think the Cold War was fictional: 30%

Percentage who think Hitler was a fictional character: 11%

Percentage who think Mussolini was a fictional character: 33%

Percentage who think Xena Warrior Princess was a real historical figure: 1%

Percentage of Americans who, in a survey by Denny's restaurants, said they prefer their eggs scrambled: 43%

Percentage who said they like them over easy: 18%

Percentage who said they like them sunny-side up: 7%

Percentage who said they "don't know" how they like their eggs: 1%

Number of people killed by vampire bats in a remote Amazon town in Brazil since March 2:
13

Number of toothpicks you can make from one cord of wood: 75 million

Number of peanut butter sandwiches the average American child will eat by high school graduation:
1,500

 

[moreluck]

Idea For Texas Survivor Reality Show.............

Contestants have to drive from Amarillo to Tyler with a bumper sticker that says "I'm a gay atheistvegetarian...and I'm here to take your guns."

...If anybody gets there, they win.

 

[moreluck]

Little Known Illnesses......

AFROPHOBIA: Fear of the return of the 70's hairstyles.

DEJA FLU: The feeling that one has had this cold before.

HYPOCOINDRIA: Fear of not having correct change.

HAIRPIECE SWIMPLEX: Rash caused by wearing a toupee in a pool.

HERPES CINEPLEX: Rash caused by movie tickets priced at $9.50.

CELESTIAL SEASONINGS AFFECTIVE DISORDER: Herbal-tea addiction.

VISACARDITIS: The heart-stopping sensation brought on by exceeding your credit limit.

SONSTROKE: An attack during the reading of a will.

ROSWELL-BABY SYNDROME: Irrational fear that one's infant might be an alien.

OREOPOROSIS: Disorder caused by too many cookies, not enough milk.

 

[moreluck]

2008 Democratic Nt'l Convention Schedule of Events

7:00 pm. ~ Opening flag burning
7:15 pm ~ Pledge of Allegiance to the U.N.
7:20 pm ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
7:25 pm ~ Non-religious prayer with Jesse Jackson & Al Sharpton
7:45 pm ~ Ceremonial tree hugging
7:55 pm ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
8:00 pm ~ How I invented the internet - Al Gore
8:15 pm ~ Gay Wedding Planning - Barney Frank presiding
8:35 pm ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
8:40 pm ~ Our Troops are War Criminals - John Kerry
9:00 pm ~ Memorial service for Sadam and Sons - Cindy Sheehan and Susan Sarandon
10:00 pm ~ Answering Machine Etiquette - Alec Baldwin
11:00 pm ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
11:05 pm ~ Collection for the Bin Laden kidney transplant fund - Babs Streisand
11:15 pm ~ Free the Freedon Fighters from Gitmo - Sean Penn
11:30 pm ~ Oval Office Affairs - Bill Clinton
11:45 pm ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
11:50 pm ~ How Geo. Bush Brought Down the Twin Towers - Howard Dean
12:15 am ~ Truth in Broadcasting Award to Dan Rather presented by Michael Moore
12:25 am ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
12:30 am ~ Satellite address by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
12:45 am ~ Nomination of Hillary Clinton by Nancy Pelosi
1:00 am ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
1:05 am ~ Coronation of Hillary Rodham Clinton
1:30 am ~ Bill Clinton asks Ted Kennedy to drive Hillary home.

 

[moreluck]

Congress held hearings Tuesday on the physical and financial plight of retired NFL players. It's sad. Some of the players are in so much pain from arthritis that they can't even hold their own guns when they are getting their memorabilia back.

Argus Hamilton

 

[moreluck]

Senator James Webb failed to pass his bill to give U.S. troops in Iraq more rest at home. After the bill lost he stomped his feet on the Senate floor three times. When he got back to his office, Larry Craig was waiting for him with a bottle of wine.

Los Angeles has the worst traffic in America according to a study released Tuesday. The methodology sealed the deal. All cities have car traffic, but when they added porn trafficking, drug trafficking and the trafficking of illegal aliens, it was no contest.

Argus Hamilton

 

[moreluck]

Strange Puns (Groaners)

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" , they asked, as they moved off.
"Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain;
they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him . . . (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) . . . A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

 

[moreluck]

A Psychological Test

This is a genuine psychological test.

It is a story about a girl. Whilst at the funeral of her own mother, she met this guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing, so much her dream guy she believed him to be, that she fell in love with him there and then.

A few days later the girl killed her own sister.

Question: What is her motive in killing her sister?

Stop and think for a minute before reading further.

The obvious answer, Mr Bundy? She was hoping that the guy would appear at the funeral again.

If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath.

This was a test by a famous American psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in this test and answered it correctly.

If you didn't answer correctly - good for you.

If your friends hit the jackpot, may I suggest that you keep your distance.

 

[moreluck]

PGA Commissioner Tim Finchem on Thursday announced a new performance-enhancing drug testing policy for players, which begins next year. Don't worry. Performance-detracting drugs won't be tested, so John Daly's safe for everyone to continue to enjoy.

Argus Hamilton

 

[moreluck]

In the middle of the table is a round food tray with five kinds of fruits on
it. They are:

a. Apple
b. Banana
c. Strawberry
d. Peach
e. Orange

Which fruit will you choose? Please think VERY carefully and don't rush into
it. This is great, I was astounded! Your choice reveals a lot about you!

Test results..........

If you have chosen:
a. Apple: That means you are a person who loves to eat apples.
b. Banana: That means you are a person who loves to eat bananas.
c. Strawberry: That means you are a person who loves to eat strawberries.
d. Peach: That means you are a person who loves to eat peaches.
e. Orange: That means you are a person who loves to eat oranges.

I hope you find fulfillment in this new insight about yourself. May it bring
you peace and understanding, tranquility and all that other profound stuff.

 

[moreluck]

Bumper Stickers about Work

• Keep on working, millions on welfare depend on you!
• I didn't climb to the top of the food chain to become a vegetarian!
• Excess is never too much in moderation.
• Lawyers have feelings too (allegedly).
• Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
• To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.
• Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
• I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.
• Anything not worth doing is not worth doing well.
• Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
• Warning: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear.
• Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
• I R S: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
• Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
• It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
• All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

 

[moreluck]

Physical

An older man is at his yearly physical, and the doctor tells him to pull down his pants so he can check him for a hernia. He does, and the doctor screams out,"oh my god, you've got an orange colored Penis!" The patient quietly remarks, "I do?" The doctor asks the man,"Is your wife sick?", the man says,"I'm not married." The doc says,"Is your girlfriend ill?" The man states,"I don't have a girlfriend." The doctor exclaims,"well, then you must be frequenting prostitutes!" The man says, "I've never seen a prostitute." The doctor asks,"Good gracious my dear man, what in the world do you do for fun?" The man exclaims, "I usually just watch pornos and eat Cheeto's."

 

[moreluck]

Snow White.......

One day, the seven dwarfs left to go to work in the mine. Snow white stayed home to prepare lunch. When she arrived at the mine with the lunch, she saw that there had been a terrible cave in.

Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that some of the dwarfs had survived

"Hello, hello," she called, "Can anyone hear me? Hello." For quite a while there was no answer. Losing hope, Snow White called again, "Hello. Is anyone down there?"

Just as she was about to give up all hope, there came a faint voice from deep in the mine. The voice said, "Vote for Hillary, vote for Hillary."

Snow White, somewhat relieved screamed out, "Oh thank God ! Dopey is still alive!"

 

[moreluck]

If I Did It by O.J. Simpson soared on the best-seller lists Friday following his multiple new charges in Las Vegas. His name is magic. Just yesterday the Florida Citrus Growers offered to pay O.J.'s legal bills if he would change his name to Snapple.

Argus Hamilton

 

[moreluck]

Historical Events......

Many will recall that on July 8, 1947, witnesses claimed that an
unidentified object with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and
cattle ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico. This is a well-known
incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and
the federal government.

However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of March 1948, exactly
nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:

Albert Arnold Gore Jr.
Hillary Rodham
John friend. Kerry
William Jefferson Clinton
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer...


See what happens when aliens breed with sheep?

 

[moreluck]

While visiting his niece, an elderly man had what was apparently a stroke.

She drove wildly to get him to the emergency Room. After what seemed like a very long wait, the ER doctor appeared, wearing his scrubs and a long face.

Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid that your uncle's brain is dead but his heart is still beating."

"Oh, dear," cried the woman, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock. "We've never had a Democrat in the family before!"