Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

DOG RULES

• The dog is not allowed in the house.
• Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
• The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture
• The dog can get on the old furniture only.
• Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.
• Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
• The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
• The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only
• The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
• Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.

From 'My Dog is the World's Best Dog' by Suzy Becker.

Why Dogs don't use Computers
1. Can't stick their heads out of Windows '98.
2. Fetch command not available on all platforms.
3. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
4. Too difficult to 'mark' every web site they visit.
5. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear 'You've Got Mail.'
6. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
7. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing instead of working.
8. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that virtual Frisbee.
9. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
10. Still trying to come up with an emoticon that signifies tail wagging.
11. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome.
12. Saliva coated floppy disks refuse to work.
13. Distracted by cats chasing the mouse.
14. TrO{gO HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,. ('Too hard to type with paws!')
15. Smell U - Smell ME still in beta test.
16. Butt-sniffing more direct & less deceiving than online chat rooms.​

 

[moreluck]

Sources of New Jersey Pride .....


You watched "Mallrats" and said "I've been to that mall!"

At least half the people you knew in high school went to Rutgers.

You know where Jimmy Hoffa is buried.

Your big class trip in elementary school was to Morristown.

You long for the days when the Devils wore Christmas colors.

You know that the only people that call it "Joisey" are from New York.

You've planned a local trip around ensuring you pass at least one Dunkin' Donuts.

You don't think of citrus when people mention "The Oranges"

You know that it's called "Great Adventure"... not "Six Flags", dammit!

You know that there are bakeries which are not part of a supermarket, but actual individual stores.

You've ordered a "hard roll with butter" for breakfast.

One time, a sea gull **** on your head.

You've eaten at a diner, drunk off your ass, at 3am at least a dozen times.

At least three people in your family still love Bruce Springsteen.

You always use a minimum of 10 variations of the word "damn" while driving.

You don't have to go to Red Lobster to get fresh seafood.

You once said, "It smells like New York in here,"

You can go bowling at 1:30 A.M. (with automatic scoring)!

In high school, you worked at a Friendly's.

The Garden State Parkway doesn't freak you out at night.

You know what a "jug handle" is.

You have mandatory recycling. Enforced by law.

You've eaten a pork roll and cheese on a hard roll...and like it.

You've pondered, "Maybe basketball would be more popular in NJ if the Nets didn't blow,"

You say "water" weird. (Wadder, Cawfee, Dowg, wadever)

Even your school made good Italian subs.

You've lived through hurricanes, nor'easters and fires, but have never seen a tornado or earthquake.

You can't believe MTV went to Seaside Heights.

You know that ACME is an actual store, not just a Warner Bros. creation.

You only go to New York City for day trips.

You've run out of money on the Parkway.

You're Italian.

You know where to get the best bagel.

You think the Olive Garden is crap and should have never opened any restaurants in New Jersey.

There are no self serve gas stations and you like it that freakin' way.

You've had sex on the beach, and I'm not talking about the beverage.

You know how to successfully handle a traffic circle.

The Jets/Giants game has started fights at your school and/or local bar

Your car is covered with yellow-green dust in April and May

You can't understand why there aren't more 24-hr diners elsewhere in the county

You live within 45 minutes of at least three different malls

Someone at the beach once called you a benny

You've seen or been in a fight between a Rangers fan and a Devils fan

You have or know someone with mafia connections too

You're related to someone who thinks the New York Jets should be called the New Jersey Jets

You have at least one friend who drives a truck

You've been camping

You've been in a town or city where Spanish is spoken more than English

You've been to a party in the woods

You've purchased fireworks in Chinatown

You liked the Jets even before this season

You know where to get a freshly cooked Taylor Ham, Egg and Cheese sandwich at 2 a.m.

You don't take **** from no one either

You remember Action Park and may have been seriously injured there

At some time you got on the wrong highway trying to get out of Willowbrook mall

Z-100 used to be your favorite radio station

Anything less than three inches of snow ain't ****

Someone cut you off on the road and you told them to go **** themself

You think people from South Jersey talk funny

You're radioactive and proud of it.

 

[moreluck]

New Simplified Tax Form for 2007 Taxes

1. How much money did you make in 2007?

2. Send it to us.

 

[moreluck]

FYI.........

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is
freedom, in water there is bacteria.

It was demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the
end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia
coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer or (tequila,rum, whiskey, scotch or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of .

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.

 

[moreluck]

Glossary for Dogs....​

LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.
DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.
SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dogs rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.
GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.
BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.
DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.
THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.
WASTEBASKET:This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home.
SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.
BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.
LEAN: Every good dogs's response to the command 'sit !', especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.
BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require.....especially effective when combined with The Sniff. See above.
LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.​

 

[moreluck]

You Are No Longer "Cool" When

1. You find yourself listening to talk radio.
2. You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.
3. The pattern on your shorts and couch match.
4. You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.
5. You think Tragically Hip is when a middle-aged man gets a new sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend.
6. You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath.
7. You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining it.
8. You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day.
9. When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate.
10. When jogging is something you do to your memory.
11. Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.
12. All the cars behind you flash their headlights.
13. You remember the "Rolling Stones" as a rock group not a corporation.
14. You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son's new running shoes.
15. You actually ASK for your father's advice.
16. You don't know how to operate a fax machine.
17. When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a surf board.

 

[moreluck]

New Hospital Policy

The allergists voted to scratch it.
The dermatologists preferred no rash moves.
The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.
The microsurgeons were thinking along the same vein.
The neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.
The obstetricians stated they were laboring under a misconception.
The ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
The orthopedists issued a joint resolution.
The parasitologists said, "well, if you encyst."
The pathologists yelled, "over my dead body!"
The pediatricians said, "grow up."
The proctologists said, "we are in arrears."
The psychiatrists thought it was madness.
The surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The radiologists could see right through it.
The internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow.
The plastic surgeons said, "this puts a whole new face on the matter."
The podiatrists thought it was a big step forward.
The D.O.s thought they were being manipulated.
The urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas.
The cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
And the otologists were deaf to the idea.
The new wing didn't fly!

 

[moreluck]

New York Knicks coach Isiah Thomas's jury discussed money damages Monday in the sex harassment suit brought against him by a woman. He's lucky this didn't happen in Los Angeles. He would have been laughed out of the courtroom for not shooting her.

Argus Hamilton

 

[moreluck]

Old Expression = New Expression

alive = temporarily metabolically abled
dead = metabolically different
ignorant = factually unencumbered
bald = follicularly challenged
poor = economically marginalized
lazy = motivationally dispossessed
dishonest = ethically disoriented
homeless = residentially flexible
addiction = pharmacological preference
fat = alternative body image
crazy = emotionally different
old = chronologically gifted
clumsy = uniquely coordinated
psychopath = socially misaligned
thief = ethically challenged
rude = politically correct
fart = gastronomic expression
minority group = under-represented population
ugly = aesthetically challenged
quiet person =conversational minimalist
workaholic = recreationally challenged
tone deaf = musically delayed
paper bag = processed tree carcass

 

[moreluck]

Be careful who you flirt with......…
A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party.As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Brother, apparently he had the time of his life."

 

[moreluck]

Tate Family

How many members of the Tate family belong to your organization?

There is old man Dic Tate, who wants to run everything, while Uncle Ro Tate tries to change everything. Their sister-in-law Agi Tate stirs up plenty of trouble, with help from her husband, Irri Tate.

Whenever new projects are suggested, Hesi Tate and his wife Vege Tate, want to wait until next year. Then there is Aunt Imi Tate, who wants your organization to be like all the others. Devas Tate provides the voice of doom.

And of course, there is the black sheep of the family, Ampu Tate, who has cut himself off from the mainstream!

But not all the members of the Tate family are bad. Facili Tate is quite helpful. And a delightful, happy member of the family is Miss Felici Tate.

Cousins Cogi Tate and Medi Tate are always thinking things over and lend helpful, steady hands.

 

[moreluck]

Q: How many Los Angeles police officers does ittake to beat up a black motorist?
A; None. He fell down the stairs.

Q:Why did the blonde crash her plane when landing? A: Because the runway was only 25ft long, but a mile wide.

 

[moreluck]

Market Lingo.........

For all of you who are having trouble with the stock market these days, here is a little something to help you put things in perspective.

Bull Market -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

Bear Market -- A 6 to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

Momentum Investing -- The fine art of buying high and selling low.

Value Investing -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E Ratio -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

Broker -- What my broker has made me.

Buy, buy -- A flight attendant making market recommendations as you step off the plane.

Standard & Poor -- Your life in a nutshell.

Stock Analyst -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

Stock Split -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

Financial Planner -- A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-Eleven for toilet paper and cigarettes.

Market Correction -- The day after you buy stocks.

Cash Flow -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

Yahoo -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

Windows 2000 -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought Yahoo at $240 per share.

Institutional Investor -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

Profit -- Religious guy who talks to God

 

[moreluck]

Q: How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but for the message of light to continue, send in your donation today.

Q:How many body builders does it take to change a light bulb?A:Nine. One to screw in the bulb while the other 8 hold up the mirrors.

 

[moreluck]

Old Folks Wedding

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited
about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the
wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes
for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry

 

[area43]

Q: How many Los Angeles police officers does ittake to beat up a black motorist?
A; None. He fell down the stairs.

Q:Why did the blonde crash her plane when landing? A: Because the runway was only 25ft long, but a mile wide.

Hey More, lmao. Here's a blonde joke you might heard. What do you call a blonde behind a steering wheel? An air bag.

P.O.W. = Prisoner of Wedlock

I heard this one from one of the farmers on my route. Two West Virginia women were digging potato's out of the ground. One pulls up two big potato's. One in each hand. She says to the other, "These remind me of my husbands". The other says back, "Are they that big?" Her response, "No, their that dirty." RO(the dirt)FL LMAO

 

[moreluck]

Sex forThe Old Folks

After the man's annual exam, the doctor said to the elderly man,"do you have any concerns you would like to ask me about? In fact, I do," said the old man "After sex I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I am with her the second time, I am cold and chilly." Later, after examining the elderly wife, she declined to ask any questions. So, the doctor said to her, "your husband claims he is usually hot and sweaty after sex with you the first time, and then cold and chlly after the second time. Do you know why?". "Oh that crazy old fool," she replied. "Thats because the first time is in August and the second time is in January!"

 

[moreluck]

Q: Why don't you ever see lawyers at the beach?
A: The cats keep covering them up with sand!

My wife knows how to make my long stories short..........She interrupts

 

[moreluck]

PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENT---SENIOR STYLE


An elderly couple in their 80's decide to get married.

She said: "I want to keep my house"

He said: "That's fine with me."

She said: "I want to keep my Cadillac."

He said: "That's fine with me."

She said: "I want to have sex 6 times a week"

He said: "Put me down for Fridays."

 

[moreluck]

'CAKE' Personality Test

Take this cake personality test.

No cheating. Pick your cake then, look to see.

If you were buying a cake and you had your choice of the following, which would you choose:

Angel food

Brownies

Lemon Meringue

Vanilla with Chocolate Icing

Strawberry Short Cake

Chocolate on Chocolate

Ice Cream

Carrot Cake





NO...you can't change your mind once you scroll down So think carefully, what your choice will be!!!





OK - Now that you've made your choice, this is what research says about you:







Angel food ... Sweet, loving, cuddly. You love all warm and fuzzy items. A little nutty at times. sometimes you need an ice cream cone at the end of the day. Others perceive you as being child-like and immature at times.

Brownies... You are adventurous, love new ideas, are a champion of underdogs and a slayer of dragons. When tempers flare up, you whip out your saber. You are always the oddball with a unique sense of humor and direction. You tend to be very loyal.

Lemon Meringue... Smooth, sexy, &articulate with your hands, you are an excellent after-dinner speaker and a good teacher. But don't try to walk and chew gum at the same time. A bit of a diva at times, but you have many friends.

Vanilla with Chocolate Icing ... Fun-loving, sassy, humorous. Not very grounded in life, very indecisive and lack motivation. Everyone enjoys being around you, but you are a practical joker. Others should be cautious in making you mad, however, you are a friend for life.

Strawberry Short Cake... Romantic, warm, loving. You care about other people and can be counted on in a pinch. You tend to melt. You can be overly-emotional and annoying at times.

Chocolate on Chocolate ... Sexy, always ready to give and receive. Very creative, adventurous, ambitious, and passionate. You have a cold exterior but are warm on the inside. Not afraid to take chances. Will not settle for anything average in life. Love to laugh.

Ice Cream... You like sports, whether it be baseball, football, basketball, or soccer. If you could, you would like to participate, but you enjoy watching sports. You don't like to give up the remote control. You tend to be self-centered and high maintenance.

Carrot Cake... You are a very fun loving person, who likes to laugh. You are fun to be with. ! People like to hang out with you. You are a very warm hearted person and a little quirky at times. You have many loyal friends.