Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

The company sarge is briefing the recruits:"For the next ten weeks the commanding officer will be your father, and Iwill be your mother. Incidentally we are not married, so you know what that makes you..."

 

[moreluck]

Men strike back! How many men does it take to open a beer?None. It should be opened when she brings it.-------------------------------------------------------------------Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. --------------------------------------------------------------------Why do women have smaller feet than men?It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..." -------------------------------------------------------------------How do you fix a woman's watch?You don't. There is a clock on the oven. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do men fart more than women?Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure. -------------------------------------------------------------------If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. -------------------------------------------------------------------I married a Miss Right.I just didn't know her first name was Always. -------------------------------------------------------------------Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.It's called a Wedding Cake. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do men die before their wives? They want to. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Women will never be equal to men? until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. ------------------------------------------------------------------- In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman.Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

 

[Big Babooba]

Dear IRS,

Enclosed is my 2006 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes.
Please note the attached article from USA Today, wherein you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.
I am enclosing four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029), bringing my total remitted to $3429.00. Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. By the way, you can do this inexpensively by sending them one 1.5" Phillips Head screw (article from USA Today detailing how HUD pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screws is enclosed for your convenience.)
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely, A Satisfied Taxpayer

 

[moreluck]

Brooklyn Tony: ON GRAMMAR


One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show
of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same
sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought
my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little
Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

She said, "Excellent, Michael!"

Then the teacher reluctantly called on Brooklyn Tony.

"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was
pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just beautiful!' "


Brooklyn Tony: ON GETTING OLDER


Brooklyn Tony was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar
after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him
said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will
give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Brooklyn Tony replied, "You know, my grandfather lived to be 107 years
old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Brooklyn Tony answered, "No, he minded his own f8cking business

 

[moreluck]

My Favorite Country Song Titles

1. If Fingerprints Showed Up On Skin, Wonder Whose I'd Find On You
2. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
3. If Whiskey Were A Woman I'd Be Married For Sure
4. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
5. (Pardon Me) I've Got Someone To Kill
6. I Got In At 2 With A 10 And Woke Up At 10 With A 2
7. If The Jukebox Took Teardrops I'd Cry All Night Long
8. I Don't Know Whether To Come Home Or Go Crazy
9. Her Body Couldn't Keep You Off My Mind
10. Her Cheatin' Heart Made A Drunken Fool Out Of Me
11. Out Of My Head And Back In My Bed
12. You're A Cross I Can't Bear
13. It Don't Feel Like Sinnin' To Me
14. I'm Gettin' Gray From Being Blue
15. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
16. You Hurt The Love Right Out Of Me
17. Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
18. Heaven's Just A Sin Away
19. She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart
20. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed
21. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
22. Guess My Eyes Were Bigger Than My Heart
23. It Ain't Love But It Ain't Bad
24. I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart
25. She Feels Like A New Man Tonight
26. I May Be Used (But Baby I Ain't Used Up)
27. I'm The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised
28. If Drinkin' Don't Kill Me Her Memory Will
29. Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart
30. If You Can't Feel It (It Ain't There)
31. Touch Me With More Than Your Hands
32. I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your Welfare Line
33. The Last Word In Lonesome Is "Me"
34. Do You Love As Good As You Look
35. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonite
36. When We Get Back To the Farm (That's When We Really Go To Town)
37. My Shoes Keep Walkin' Back to You
38. You Stuck My Heart In a Old Tin Can and Shot It Off a Log
39. And There Was Grandma, Swingin' on the Outhouse Door, Without a Shirt On
40. How Can I Miss You When You Won't Go Away?
41. sample lyrics: I keep on seeing you, day after day.
42. You never leave here, you always stay and stay,
43. How can I miss you when you won't go away?
44. Why Do You Believe Me When I Tell You that I Love You When You Know I've Been a Liar All My Life?
45. He's Been Drunk Since His Wife's Gone Punk

 

[moreluck]

Bob Barker was sued Friday by a former Price is Right employee who claims that he discriminated against her. He's been sued in the past by models on the show for sex harassment. This is what happens when game show hosts aren't spayed and neutered.

New Mexico Congresswoman Heather Wilson said Friday she will run for the Senate next year. It'll be closely watched. The most exciting House race is in La Jolla, where an English Tudor is leading a Spanish colonial by the length of the front porch.

Argus Hamilton

 

[moreluck]

From Laws of Golf:

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

 

[moreluck]

Court...

A lady about eight months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. So she immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned to a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed even more amused. When, on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this... When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming,' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Slogan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident,' I just lost it."

 

[moreluck]

Q - What is a vampire's least favorite meal?
A - Stake !!

Q - What do vampires enjoy most about baseball?
A - The bats (and the double-headers)

Q - What kind of toothpaste do vampires buy?
A - Ultra-Bite.

Q - What does a monster wear when it rains?
A - His ghoul-oshes.

Q - How did the monster predict his future?
A - With a horror-scope.

Q - Why wouldn't the skeleton cross the road?
A - Because he didn't have any guts.

Q - What are a spook's two favorite rides at the fair?
A - The roller ghoster and the merry ghoul round.

Q - What happened to the vampire who tried to gain weight by eating more?
A - It didn't work... it was all in vein.

Q - What is a vampires favorite holiday?
A - Fangsgiving.

Q - What four things do monsters enjoy eating on Halloween?
A - Ghoulash and I Scream with booberry pie and ghoul-aid.

Q - What two famous places did the monster visit while on his vacation?
A - The Vampire State Building and Count Rushmore.

Q - What is in the red blood cells of monsters?
A - Hemogoblin !!!

Q - What spook lives in the "hundred acre wood"?
A - Winnie the Boo

Q - What is a vampire's favorite fruit?
A - Neck tarines

Q - What performers do vampires enjoy the most at the circus?
A - The jugulars

Q - What do spooks call their Navy?
A - The ghost guard.

 

[moreluck]

French Restaurant

A man and his wife are seated in a fancy French restaurant for dinner.

After the waiter arrives the man says, "I'LL have your biggest, thickest Porterhouse steak."

The waiter replies "But monsieur ... what about ze mad cow?"

The man replies, "She'll have a salad."

 

[moreluck]

FOOD PUNS...........

The snack bar next door to an atom smasher was called "The Fission Chips."

On April Fools Day, a mother put a fire cracker under the pancakes. She blew her stack.

A couple of kids tried using pickles for a Ping-Pong game. They had the volley of the Dills.

The four food groups: Fast, Frozen, Instant, and Chocolate.

A friend got some vinegar in his ear, now he suffers from pickled hearing.

Overweight is something that just sort of snacks up on you.

Sign in restaurant window: "Eat now - Pay waiter."

I thought you were trying to get into shape?
I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle.

 

[moreluck]

Baby Boomer Woes​

• Then: Killer weed
  Now: Weed killer

• Then: Paar
  Now: AARP

• Then: The Grateful Dead
  Now: Dr. Kevorkian

• Then: Being caught with Hustler magazine
  Now: Being caught by Hustler magazine

• Then: Hoping for a BMW
  Now: Hoping for a BM

• Then: Getting your head stoned
  Now: Getting your headstone

• Then: Keg
  Now: EKG

• Then: Passing the driving test
  Now: Passing the vision test

• Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your folks.
  Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids.

• Then: Swallowing acid
  Now: Swallowing antacid

• Then: Obsessing over your PSAT scores
  Now: Obsessing over your PSA scores

• Then: You're growing pot
  Now: Your growing pot

• Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
  Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor

• Then: The perfect high
  Now: The perfect high-yield mutual fund

• Then: Long hair
  Now: Longing for hair

• Then: Fighting to get rid of the lying president
  Now: Fighting to keep the lying president

• Then: President Johnson
  Now: The president's johnson

Then: Acid rock
Now: Acid reflux

• Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint
  Now: Getting a new hip joint

 

[moreluck]

Senator Larry Craig will be inducted into the Idaho Hall of Fame this Saturday despite his men's room arrest. They couldn't very well rescind the honor. It would defeat the purpose of the hall of fame to vote him out now that he is actually famous. ~Argus Hamilton~

 

[moreluck]

The Forum

How Many Forum Members Does It Take To Change a Lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post it has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs AND how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

7 more to point out spelling & grammar errors in posts.

3 to repost with spelling/grammar corrections.

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb".

Another 6 to condemn those six arguments as stupid.

15 to claim experience in the lighting industry AND give the correct spelling.

19 to post that this group is not about light bulbs AND to please take the discussion to a lightbulb (or light bulb) forum.

11 to defend the posting to the group, saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this group.

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs,what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.

7 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

4 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly AND then post the corrected URL.

3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too".

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting ?s about light bulbs."

3 to tell a funny story about their cat and a light bulb.

AND

1 group lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now With something unrelated and start it all over again.

 

[moreluck]

CLOTHESLINES....

A clothesline was a news forecast
To neighbors passing by.
There were no secrets you could keep
When clothes were hung to dry.

It also was a friendly link
For neighbors always knew
If company had stopped on by
To spend a night or two.

For then you'd see the fancy sheets
And towels upon the line;
You'd see the company table cloths
With intricate design.

The line announced a baby's birth
To folks who lived inside
As brand new infant clothes were hung
So carefully with pride.

The ages of the children could
So readily be known
By watching how the sizes changed
You'd know how much they'd grown.

It also told when illness struck,
As extra sheets were hung;
Then nightclothes, and a bathrobe, too,
Haphazardly were strung.

It said, 'Gone on vacation now'
When lines hung limp and bare.
It told, 'We're back!' when full lines sagged
With not an inch to spare.

New folks in town were scorned upon
If wash was dingy gray,
As neighbors raised their brows,
And looked the other way..

But clotheslines now are of the past
For dryers make work less.
Now what goes on inside a home
Is anybody's guess.

I really miss that way of life.
It was a friendly sign
When neighbors knew each other best
By what was hanging on the line.

 

[moreluck]

Final Examination

Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist.

If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for seven years.

The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board overlooking an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.

The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.

Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.

The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.

"Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.

To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"

 

[moreluck]

Eleven Things You Won't Learn in School

Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!

Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expects you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for bõrger flipping: they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life peoples actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end working for one.

 

[moreluck]

At a wedding ceremony that I was performing, I raised my hand to give the final blessing.

The bride misunderstood my gesture and surprised me with a high-five.

Not wanting to exclude the groom, I offered him a high-five, too.

I was finally able to get my blessing in, amid the laughter of the guests.

 

[moreluck]

Ten Things a Guy Learns From Action Movies

1. When I shoot people, they will die quickly and cleanly, and I will never be arrested or troubled by their widowed wife and children. When people shoot me, however, I will at most receive a 'flesh wound,' which will be tended to by a beautiful woman.

2. Nuclear weapons will never go off because something will always happen about three seconds before one does to stop it from exploding.

3. If an aged scientist is involved in any way, he will have a beautiful daughter who will gaze at me adoringly.

4. If royalty is involved, it will include a beautiful princess who will gaze at me adoringly.

5. If I have a kid partner, he will be tightly-muscled, clean-cut, and gaze at me adoringly.

6. If I am asked to compete against a world champion at any sport or game of any type, I will win. This will infuriate my opponent, who will then try to kill me.

7. If my opponent has a side-kick or henchman, he will never have a sensible name like 'Rick,' or 'Steve.'

8. Beautiful women will frequently furrow their brows with concern and ask, "When's the last time you got any sleep?" They will never ask when I last bathed or used the toilet, although I apparently never do those things either.

9. The aliens will always be overpowered by the humans in the end though their fighting may result in a lot of casualties and destruction.

10. If everyone in a team dies, it's the last man's job to win the fight against his enemy.

 

[moreluck]

Q: Have you heard of that disease that you get from kissing birds?
A: Chirpes. It's one of those canarial diseases. I hear it's untweetable.