Heard any good ones?

[moreluck]

It's Time to Diet & Exercise When...
...you try to do a few pushups and discover that certain body parts
refuse to leave the floor.

...your children look through your wedding album and want to know
who Daddy's first wife was.



...you get winded just saying the words "six-kilometer run."

...you come to the conclusion that, if God really wanted you to touch
your toes each morning, He would have put them somewhere
around your knees.



...you analyze your body honestly and decide what you should
develop first is your sense of humor.

...you step on a talking scale and it says, "Come back when you're
alone."



...to you, "Itsy-Bitsy Teenie-Weenie Yellow Polka dot Bikini" and
"The Impossible Dream" become the same song.

...you accept the fact that you can fool some of the people all of the
time and all of the people some of the time, but not while you're
wearing a bathing suit.

 

[moreluck]

Great Reasons To Laugh

Laughter lowers the blood pressure and increases the vascular blood flow and oxygen to the blood. It also reduces your level of stress hormones.

Laughter exercises the diaphragm and the abdominal, respiratory, facial, leg and back muscles. Laughing 100 times is equivalent to a 10 minute workout.

A good chuckle also defuses the damage done by negative emotions such as anger, fear and sadness, which can cause harmful biochemical changes and undermine our overall emotional well-being.

So, laugh it up!!!

 

[moreluck]

Did you know - and do you care - that the University of Alaska stretches over 4 time zones ? Talk about a ready-made excuse for being late to class!

The word "influenza" was coined because people originally believed the disease was caused by the evil "influence" of the stars.

In Canada, 0.3 % of all road accidents involve a moose.

Oceans 11 star Andy Garcia was a Siamese twin. The twin was no bigger than a tennis ball and was surgically removed from his shoulder.

A cheetah can accelerate from 0-45 mph in just 2 seconds.

The only food that does not spoil is honey.

Clouds fly higher during the day than at night.

Karate star Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to slow down a film so you could see his moves.

During the Spanish Inquisition, the entire population of the Netherlands was once condemned to death for heresy.

A dime has 118 ridges around its edge. At this moment, all anal retentives are pulling out dimes and a magnifying glass.

Every citizen in the state of Kentucky is required by law to take a bath at least once a year.

 

[moreluck]

GRANDMA'S AGENDA FOR THE DAY....

1. Feed grandkids candy.

2. Feed grandkids cookies.

3. Feed grandkids ice cream.

4. Send grandkids home.

5. Turn off phone!

 

[moreluck]

Barney IS Evil !!


Everyone knows Barney... that cute purple dinosaur.
But here's something that you may not know:

1. Start with the given:

CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR



2. Change all U's to V's (proper Latin anyway!):

CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR



3. Extract all Roman Numerals:

C V V L D I V



4. Convert these into Arabic values:

100 5 5 50 500 1 5



5. Add these numbers up:

100
5
5
50
500
1
+5
----
666

There you have it:
A mathematical proof that Barney is the Antichrist!

 

[moreluck]

You might be a redneck if...

Your wife gets a hunting license so you can tag your second buck.

You have all the "Dukes of Hazzard" episodes on tape.

You can give a summary of all the "Dukes of Hazzard" episodes.

You think that Roe v. Wade is a decision you make when crossing the creek.

It takes you and 31 others in the same room to show off a full set of teeth.

You've ever stood outside a K-mart for more than an hour arguing with the manager about the shirt and shoes law.

You've ever gone Christmas shopping at the dollar store.

You think the tobacco companies have done nothing wrong.

You've ever shoplifted Spam.

You don't understand why Bo and Luke never tried to get it on with Daisy.

Your son has ever stolen disected frogs from Biology class so that your family won't go hungry.

You prefer the Sears catolog to Charmin.

Your blood alcohol content has ever exceeded your I.Q.

You think deer hunting should be an olympic sport.

You have a set of 16 matching salad bowls, and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.

You have to call the police more than once a week to remove your drunk mother-in-law from your front lawn.

Your name is Billy Joe Jim Bob III.

You ever spent the night in the bed of your truck rather than paying for a motel room.

None of your zippers have all their teeth either.

You are driving the car you were conceived in.

You've ever used scissors on food.

 

[moreluck]

> So Glad You Called!
>
>
> There were these two elderly people living in a mobile home park.
> He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number
of years.
>
> One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center.
These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on,
he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to
> ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of careful
> consideration, she answered. "Yes, Yes, I will."
>
> The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to
their respective places.

Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?"
He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not
> recall. Not even a faint memory.
>
> With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he
> explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he
> reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he
> then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say
'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"

He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart."
>
> Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I
couldn't remember who had asked me."

 

[tieguy]

""salesguy13, you sound an awful lot like tieguy""

That would be known as a consensus. It means your screwed up and need to start paying attention to what we are telling you.

"BUt your post needs some response as you have misrepresented so many things in your attack on me. >>I don't post often<< I guess not, you are not even a member of this board, you are an unregistered guest with an id fabricated expressly for the purpose of this attack on me."

Sounds like your starting to feel sorry for yourself. Stop the crying and listen to the advice.

 

[cheryl]

It seems that two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight", the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?"

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for him. He's my little brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one.

 

[moreluck]

Famous Sexy Quotes ...

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." Woody Allen


"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." Rodney Dangerfield




"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." Lynn Lavner



"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." Camille Paglia



"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant." George Burns


"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." Sharon Stone


"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." Jack Nicholson



"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)




"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." Robin Williams



"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." Billy Crystal




"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." Robert De Niro



"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" Dustin Hoffman




"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'." Jerry Seinfeld



"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." Robin Williams



" It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom." Joan Rivers




" Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy." Steve Martin




" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life." Elmo Phillips




" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." Oscar Wilde




" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." George Burns

 

[moreluck]

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch talkin'.

1st Hillbilly: "My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air
conditioner."

2nd Hillbilly: "Why is that stupid?"

1st Hillbilly: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"

2nd Hillbilly: "That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of
them new fangled warshin' machines!"

1st Hillbilly: "Why is that so stupid?"

2nd Hillbilly: "cause we ain't got no plummin'!"

3rd Hillbilly : "That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer
wifes put together!... I was going through her purse the other day
lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in there."

1st and 2nd Hillbillies: "Well what's so dumb about that?"

3rd Hillbilly: "She ain't got no pecker!"

 

[moreluck]

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, a man
> decided he needed a woman to help him enjoy it. Going to a singles' bar,
he
> spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.
>
> "I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but, in just a
> week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
>
> The woman agreed to go home with the man, and the next day she became his
> stepmother.
>

 

[moreluck]

A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish
> > captain.
> > > >
> > > > His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together
> > > > and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual
> > > > dislike.
> > > >
> > > > Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the
> > > > auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, "I don't like
> > Chinese."
> > > >
> > > > "No rike Chinese?" asks the copilot, "why not?"
> > > >
> > > > "You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!"
> > > >
> > > > "No, no," the copilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah!
That
> > > > Japanese, not Chinese."
> > > >
> > > > "Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese.. doesn't matter, you're all
alike!"
> > > >
> > > > There's a few minutes of silence.
> > > >
> > > > No rike Jews!" the copilot suddenly announces.
> > > >
> > > > "Why not?" asks the captain.
> > > >
> > > > "Jews sink Titanic."
> > > >
> > > > "Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain, "It was an
> > > > iceberg!"
> > > >
> > > > "Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, no mattah... all same!

 

[moreluck]

ONLY IN AMERICA






Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.




Only in America...do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.




Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.




Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.




Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.




Only in America...do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.




Only in America...do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.




EVER WONDER ..




Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?




Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?




Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?




Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?




Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?




Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?




Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?




Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?




Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?




Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?




Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?




You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!




Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?




Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?




If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?




If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Welfare?


> A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up To the
> counter and says, "Hi, you know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really
> rather have a job!"
>
> The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We
> just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur
> / bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around
> in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the
> long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be
> expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two
> bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a
year."
>
> The guy says, "You're bullting me!"
>
> The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it!"
>
>
>


.

 

[moreluck]

>Quickies
>
>Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder
>1. All the DNA is the same.
>2. There are no dental records.
>
>A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long
>it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"
>The agent replies, "Just a minute..."
>"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
>___________________
>Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
>"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
>"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.
>"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"
>"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
>____________________
>The investigation of Martha Stewart continues. Her recipe for chicken
>casserole is quite efficient. First you boil the chicken in water. And then you dump the stock.
>____________________
>This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing
>the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of
>him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?"
>
>The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by
>buying me a drink."
>____________________
>Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
>Joe: "Really?"
>Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."
>____________________
>A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
>"I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in
>surgery," he answered.">
>What did he say," asked the nurse.
>"OOPS!"
>____________________
>While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of
>bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
>"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
>"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."
>____________________
>Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation. He said, "I did that by accident."
>She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."
>He replied, "How did you know?"
>She said, "Because you didn't say "as*hole!" afterwards.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

[moreluck]

What's in a Name?

Lawyer's daughter: Sue

Thief's son: Rob

Lawyer's son: Will

Doctor's son: Bill

Meteorologist's daughter: Haley

Steam shovel operator's son: Doug

Hair Stylist's son: Bob

Homeopathic doctor's son: Herb

Justice of the peace's daughter: Mary

Sound stage technician's son: Mike

Hot-dog vendor's son: Frank

Gambler's daughter: Bette

Exercise guru's son: Jim

Cattle Thief's son: Russell

Painter's son: Art

Iron worker's son: Rusty

TV show star's daughter: Emmy

Movie star's son: Oscar

Barber's son: Harry

 

[traveler]

A team of archaeologists were working in Jerusalem when they found a slab
of rock with five figures carved on it. In order the figures were:

1) A Woman
2) A Donkey
3) A Shovel
4) A Fish
5) A Star of David.

After months of studying the rock and figures on it, the leader took the
rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were several
thousands of years old, but even so they revealed a lot about the people
of that time.

1. The woman being placed first in the line of figures indicated that
women were held in very high esteem. It was most likely a family
oriented culture.

2. The donkey indicated they had domesticated animals. They
probably used the donkey to till the fields.

3. The shovel shows they were highly intelligent as they knew how to
make tools.

4. The fish shows they knew how to augment the crops they raised
by also reaping from the sea.

5. The Star of David of course indicates they were a very religious
group of people.

A little old man in the front row finally got the attention of the
speaker. When acknowledged, he said...

"I'm sorry to blow your conclusions, but you were reading it left to
right. In Hebrew we read from right to left. That way it reads...

'Holy mackerel, dig the ass on that woman!'"

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Cannibals



A big corporation recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of
our team now," said the HR director during the welcoming briefing. "You get
all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat,
but please don't eat any of the other employees". The cannibals promised
they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm
very satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared.
Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their
heads no.

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others,
"Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly, to
which the leader of the cannibals shouted, "You fool! For four weeks we've
been eating Managers and no one noticed anything, but no-o-o-o-o, you had to
go and eat someone important!"

 

[moreluck]

Finger Lengths:

Richard and Pete had stepped back into the brush to answer the call of nature.

As they were blessing the soil with the golden elixir, Richard said, "I sure wish I was hung like you are, Pete. Yours is big enough that ye need four fingers to hold it."

Pete glanced over and said, "Ah, now, Richard, I see you're usin' four fingers."'

"I am," Richard shot back, "but I'm peein' on three of 'em."