Heard any good ones?

[traveler]

I've heard the story about the 58 year old grandmother too many times. It's time to debunk the information:

This woman was born in 1943 or 1944...

Television was introduced at the 1939 New York World's Fair. Color TV invented in 1940
Penicillin was invented by Alexander Fleming in 1928
Frozen food was patented in 1930 by Birdseye and on the market in 1931
Contact lenses and the Frisbee were invented in 1948 (when she was 4 or 5 years old)
Radar was used by the Royal Air Force in 1939
The ball poin pen was invented in 1938 by Ladoslo Biro
Air conditioners were invented in 1902 and residential units sold as early as 1928
the dishwasher was invented in 1932 and the clothes dryer in 1935
FM radio in 1933 by Edwin Armstrong
Tape decks were first used by the British (NBBC) in 1940
IBM invented the electric typewriter in 1933
Instant coffee began in 1909
YOGURT is about 2500 years old and invented in India though there are reports that claim yogurt to be much older.

A least expensive Chevy Coupe retailed at $1075 in 1942 and at $1166 in 1946.
I couldn't find detail on gasoline prices but in the early 1950 it was about 21 cents a gallon.

I think the old broad had a few lapses of memory here or just doesn't know too mush about the history of these inventions.

 

[moreluck]

Subject: pharmaceutical research

In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name:

Tylenol is acetaminophen,
Aleve is Naproxen,
Amoxil is Amoxicillin,
Advil is Ibuprofen,

and soon....

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and has
announced that it has settled on mycoxafloppin. Also considered were:

mycoxafailin,
mydixadrupin,
mydixarizen,
mydixadud,
dixafix,

and of course,
ibepokin

 

[moreluck]

Aw c'mon traveler, it's just jokes and stories. What's there to dispute ?? Maybe the lady does have lapses of memory....I have them myself. I'm 55, but I know I didn't have a color TV when I was in 8 th grade. They were probably out there, but only the "rich people" had them. Give me a break!!

 

[traveler]

Subject: Airline Industry Solution

FEDERAL AVIATION AGENCY
800 INDEPENDENCE AVENUE SW
WASHINGTON DC 20591

Dear Sirs:

I have the solution for the prevention of hijackings, and at the same time getting our airline industry back on its feet.

Since men of the Muslim religion are not allowed to look at naked women, we should replace all of our female flight attendants with strippers.

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing a naked woman, and of course, every businessman in the country would start flying again in hopes of seeing a naked woman.

We would have no more hijackings, and the airline industry would have record sales.

Now, why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton

 

[robonono]

A woman's perfect breakfast:

She's sitting at the table ....
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box...
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week...
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl...
and her husband is on the back of a milk carton.

 

[robonono]

Ten Reasons Trick or Treating is better than SEX


10. You're guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.

6. The person giving you candy doesn't fantasize you're someone else.

5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months.

4. If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky.

3. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2. You'll feel less guilt the next morning.

1. If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door!!

 

[moreluck]

Signs From Across the World.....

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.


At a Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.


Doctors office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.


Hotel, Acapulco:
THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.


Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT JUST CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.


Car rental brochure, Tokyo:
WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOR.


Dry cleaner's, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.


In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.


On an Athi River highway:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.


On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.


In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.


One of the Mathare buildings:
MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTRE.


A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.


In a Pumwani maternity ward:
NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.


In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.


Hotel notice, Tokyo:
IS FORBIDDEN TO STEAL HOTEL TOWELS PLEASE. IF YOU ARE NOT A PERSON TO DO SUCH A THING IS PLEASE NOT TO HAD NOTIS.

 

[moreluck]

Pumpkin



A woman was asked by a co-worker, "What is it like to be a Christian?"
The co-worker replied, "It is like being a pumpkin. God picks you from the
patch, brings you in, and washes all the dirt off of you. Then he cuts off
the top and scoops out all the yucky stuff. He removes the seeds of doubt,
hate, greed, etc., and then He carves you a new smiling face and puts His
light inside of you to shine for all the world to see."

 

[vic]

Modern Engineering Design Principles:
Dimensions in Time

The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between rails) is 4 feet, 8.5
inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.

- Why was that gauge used?

Because that's the way they built them in England,
and the first U.S. railroads were built by
English expatriates.

- Why did the English people build them like that?

Because the first rail lines in Europe were designed and built by
the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the
gauge they used.

- Why did "they" use that gauge then?

Because the people who designed and built the tramways used the same
jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that
same wheel spacing.

- Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing?

When they tried to use any other spacing, the wagons were prone to
breaking down on some of the old, long distance roads, because that
was the spacing of the old wheel ruts.

- So who built these old rutted roads?

The first long distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome,
and they have been in use ever since.

- And the ruts?

The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of
destroying their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots.
Since the chariots were all made to certain specifications for or by
Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.
Thus, we have the answer to the original questions.
The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches
derives from the original specification (Military, as it were) for
an Imperial Roman Army war chariot.

- But one "nagging" question still remains. Why did the design of the
Roman Army war chariots incorporate that specific wheelbase?

Answer: Because the chariots were designed to be just wide enough to
accommodate the backends of two war horses.

So the next time you are handed some oddball specification and assume
that some horse's ass was responsible for coming up with it, you may
be exactly right!

Now the twist to the story ...

There's an interesting extension to the story about railroad gauges
and horse's behinds. When we see a Space Shuttle sitting on its
launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides
of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs.
The SRBs are made by Thiokol at its factory in Utah. The engineers
who designed the SRBs might have preferred to make them a bit fatter,
but the SRBs had to be shipped by train to the launch site. The
railroad line from the factory had to run through a tunnel in the
mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is
slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track is
about as wide as two horses behinds.

So, the major design feature of what is arguably the world's most
advanced transportation system was determined by the width of a
Horse's Ass!

 

[moreluck]

Five-Year Solitary


Three tourists were traveling in South America: an Irishman, a Frenchman and a blond American. They all found themselves in a bar in a small Latin American country which was ruled by a strict dictator. As luck would have it, they got into an argument and a bar fight soon started. The local military police arrived and arrested them.

At their trial before a tribunal, they learned their luck was even worse than they had thought. The bar was owned by the brother of the dictator. The three of them were promptly sentenced to five years in solitary confinement.

Before they were taken away to prison, the judge said, "You are foreigners to our country. I will grant you each one favor. You may choose one item to help you pass the time in our prison. What do you wish for?"

The Irishman asked for a five years supply of fine Irish whiskey. The Frenchman asked for a five year supply of fine French wine. The blond American requests a five year supply of cigarettes. The judge grants all three requests. The three were led off to prison and thrown into individual cells down in the dark, damp basement of the prison.

Five years later they were let out one by one. First the Irishman was released. He staggered out, drunk, barely able to stand, and quickly stumbled out of the prison without saying a word. The Frenchman was released next. He swaggered out, rather drunk himself, and walked out into freedom. The blond American was released last. He stepped out into freedom and said, "Does anyone have a %&$*&@# match?"

 

[moreluck]

MONEY....

A realty salesman had just closed his first deal, only to discover that the piece of land he had sold was completely under water.

"That customer is going to come back here pretty mad," he said to his manager. "Should I give him his money back?"

"Money back?" roared the manager... "What kind of salesman are you? Get out there and sell him a houseboat!"



Late one night in Washington, DC, a mugger jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.

"Give me all your money," he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a US Congressman!"

"In that case," replied the thief, "give me MY money!"

 

[moreluck]

26 Beautiful One-liners

1. Give God what's right -- not what's left.

2. Man's way leads to a hopeless end -- God's way
leads to an endless hope.

3. A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.

4. He who kneels before God can stand before anyone.

5. In the sentence of life, the devil may be a comma -- but never let him be
the period.

6. Don't put a question mark where God puts a period.

7. Are you wrinkled with burden? Come to the church for
a face-lift.

8. When praying, don't give God instructions -- just
report for duty.

9. Don't wait for six strong men to take you to church.

10. We don't change God's message -- His message changes
us.

11. The church is prayer-conditioned.

12. When God ordains, He sustains.

13. WARNING: Exposure to the Son may prevent burning.

14. Plan ahead -- It wasn't raining when Noah built the
ark.

15. Most people want to serve God, but only in an
advisory position.

16. Suffering from truth decay? Brush up on your Bible.

17. Exercise daily -- walk with the Lord.

18. Never give the devil a ride -- he will always want
to drive.

19. Nothing else ruins the truth like stretching it.

20. Compassion is difficult to give away
because it keeps coming back.

21. He who angers you controls you.

22. Worry is the darkroom in which negatives can
develop.

23. Give Satan an inch & he'll be a ruler.

24. Be ye fishers of men -- you catch them & He'll clean
them.

25. God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the
called.

26. Read the Bible -- It will scare the hell out of you.

 

[moreluck]

Hmmmmm....

Here are the U.S. statistics for 1902,one hundred years ago:

1. The average life expectancy in the US was forty-seven (47).
2. Only 14 Percent of the homes in the US had a bathtub.
3. Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone. A three-minute call
from
Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.
4. There were only 8,000 cars in the US and only 144 miles of paved
roads.
5. The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
6. Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily
populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents,
California
was only the 21st most populous state in the Union.
7. The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower
8. The average wage in the US was 22 cents an hour.
9. The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year
10. A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a
dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per
year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
11. More than 95 percent of all births in the US took place at home.
12. Ninety percent of all US physicians had no college education.
Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in
the press and by the government as "substandard."
13. Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.
Coffee cost fifteen cents a pound.
14. Most women only washed their hair once a month and used borax or
egg
yolks for shampoo.
15. Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the
country for any reason.
16. The five leading causes of death in the US were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke
17. The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico,
Hawaii and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.
18. The population of Las Vegas, Nevada was 30.
19. Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented.
20. There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
21. One in ten US adults couldn't read or write. Only 6 percent of all
Americans had graduated from high school.
22. Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter
at corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the
complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and the
bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health."
23. Eighteen percent of households in the US had at least one full-time
servant or domestic.
24. There were only about 230 reported murders in the entire US.

 

[moreluck]

Be a Kid Today
1 Give yourself a gold star for everything you do today.
2 Dot all your "i"'s with smiley faces.
3 Sing into your hairbrush.
4 Grow a milk mustache.
5 Smile back at the man in the moon.
6 Read the funnies. Throw the rest of the paper away.
7 Dunk your cookies.
8 Ask somebody if their refrigerator is running.
9 Play a game where you make up the rules as you go along.
10 Order with eyes that are bigger than your stomach.
11 Open a pack of cupcakes and give one to a friend even though you wanted both of them for yourself.
12 Pretend your bread rolls are tap dancing.
13 Step carefully over sidewalk cracks.
14 Change into some play clothes.
15 Try to get someone to trade you a better sandwich.
16 Have a staring contest with your cat.
17 Eat ice cream for breakfast.
18 Kiss a frog just in case.
19 Give someone a "Hug-around-the-neck".
20 Blow the wrapper off a straw.
21 Refuse to eat crusts.
22 Make a face the next time somebody tells you "no".
23 Watch TV in your pajamas.
24 Ask "Why?" a lot.
25 Make graham-cracker-and-frosting sandwiches.
26 Believe in fairy tales.
27 Have someone read you a story.
28 Eat dessert first.
29 Wear your favorite shirt with your favorite pants even if they don't match.
30 Sneak some frosting off a cake.
31 Refuse to back down in a "did vs. did-not argument".
32 Do a cartwheel.
33 Get someone to buy you something you don't really need.
34 Hide your vegetables under your napkin.
35 Stay up past your bedtime.
36 Whatever you're doing, stop once in a while for recess.
37 Wear red gym shoes.
38 Make a "slurpy" sound with your straw when you get to the bottom of a milkshake.
39 Sit really still for as long as the dog is asleep in your lap.
40 Put way too much sugar on your cereal.

 

[moreluck]

Flight Rates.....
Recently, one airline introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips.

Confident they would receive valuable testimonials, the airline's publicity department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.

Responses are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

 

[traveler]

Subject: Sports Commentators

Here are some comments made by sports commentators that I'm sure they would like to take back:







1. Weightlifting commentator at the Olympic Snatch and Jerk Event:"This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator:"This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Grand Prix Race Announcer: "The lead car is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one behind it which is exactly identical to the one in front of the similar one in back."

4. Greg Norman, Pro Golfer: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

5. Ringside Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing- but none of them really that serious."

6. Baseball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

7. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

8. At a trophy ceremony BBC TV Boat Race 1988: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is hugging the Cox of the Oxford crew."

9. Metro Radio, College Football: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

10. US Open TV Commentator: "One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that, before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my God, what have I just said?"

 

[traveler]

Subject: Talk about senior moments




1. Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have? A suppository?" She pulled it out & stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."

2. When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea. Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shi! he always was."

3. An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 ..please advise" The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap"

4. A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan! They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out: "Watch that wall!"

5. When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee." I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon." I said, "Well, why are you crying?" She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?" She said, "I can't remember where I live!"

6. Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is. Her friend glared at her For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know

THE SENILITY PRAYER Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the ifference.

 

[moreluck]

The Procrastinator's Creed
1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or to find excuses.

3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.

4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.

5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.

6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.

7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesimally small, is never exactly zero.

8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.

9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.

10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.

11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.

12. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.

13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.

 

[moreluck]

A Quest for the Truth
Once upon a time, Hercules, Snow White and Quasimodo were talking over a picnic lunch.

Hercules says, "You know, everyone says I am the strongest mortal on the earth, but I don't know how to prove it. That bothers me a lot."

Snow White said "You're right! Everyone says I am the fairest, but how can I be sure?"

Quasimodo agrees. "Yeah, and I'm supposed to be the ugliest!"

Suddenly Snow White has an idea. "You know, guys, I've got the answer. Let's go visit Merlin the Wizard. He will tell us the truth."

So the three go to Merlin's house.

Hercules goes in first. He comes out and tells the other two, "I talked to Merlin, and he says that I am truly the strongest."

Snow White is next. She comes out to tell the others, "Merlin says I am truly the fairest."

Quasimodo goes in last and stays inside for a long time. Finally, he comes out.

Hercules breaks the silence. "Well, what did he say?

Quasimodo looks up and says, "Who the heck is Janet Reno?"

 

[moreluck]

There was this Asian lady married to an English gentleman and they lived

> > in
> > London. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed to

> > communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to

> > shop for groceries.
> >
> > One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She
> > didn't
> > know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her
> > skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went
> > home
> > with chicken legs.
> >
> > The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know
> > how
> > say it, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast.

> >
> > The lady got what she wanted.
> >
> > On the third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a

> >
> > way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
> >
> > (Please scroll the page down)
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > What were you thinking?
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!!!!!
> >
> > Now get back to work.
> >