Heard any good ones?

[moreluck]

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a
word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them
wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules,
goats,
and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."


CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so
stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. " The wife responded,
"Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to
me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!


BEAST
Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby
was losing his temper. "Be careful," he said to his wife. "You will
bring out the beast in me." "So what?" his wife shot back.
"Who is afraid of a mouse?"

 

[moreluck]

PILLS.....

Grandpa and Grandma were visiting the kids overnight, when Grandpa
>found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet. He asked his
>son about using one of the pills, and the son said,
>"I don't think you should take one; they're very strong and very
>expensive."
>
>"How much?" asked Grandpa.
>
>"$10.00 a pill," answered the son.
>
>"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd like to try one, and I'll leave
the
>money on your desk as soon as I break this $50.00 bill."
>
>The next morning, the son found $110.00 on his desk. He said to
>Grandpa, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00."
>
>"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."

 

[nevadapaul]

You may know they've released John Hinckley from the mental facility for
unsupervised visits to his parents home on weekends. For those of you who
need a reminder, John Hinckley shot President Ronald Reagan to impress the
actress Jodie Foster.

This letter from President Bush to Mr. Hinckley has just been released to
the media:


THE WHI! TE HOUSE
WASHINGTON D.C.

Mr. John Hinckley
St. Elizabeth's Hospital
Washington, DC

Dear John:

Laura and I hope that you are continuing your excellent progress in
recovery from your mental problems. We were pleased to hear that you are now
able to have unsupervised visits with your parents. The staff at the
hospital reports that you are doing fine.

I have decided to seek a second term in office as your president and I
would appreciate your support and the support of your fine parents.

I would hope that if there is anything that you need at the hospital,
you would let
us know.

By the way, are you aware that John Kerry is sleeping with Jody Foster?


Sincerely,


George W. Bush

President

 

[moreluck]

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.

"So, how is everything going?" inquired God.
"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied, "the sunrises and
sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything
is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It is these breasts
you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two
out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms,
catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes.
They are a real pain," reported Eve.

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts
of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears,
etc., she felt that having only two breasts might leave her
body more "symmetrically balanced," as she put it.

That is a fair point," replied God, "but it was my first shot
at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I
figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that
you are right. I will fix it up right away." And God reached
down, removed the middle breast and tossed it
into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in
the Garden of Eden. "Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"
"Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one oversight on your
part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has
a ram and the cow has her bull; all the animals have a
mate except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve,
you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You
do need a mate and I will immediately create a man
from a part of you. Now let's see....where did I put that
useless boob?"

Now, doesn't THAT make more sense than that bull about the rib?

 

[moreluck]

Names of Star's Kids

Poor kids...It's a good thing most of them have $$$.
>
> In addition to the name that Gwyneth Paltrow just gave her baby ("Apple")
> here is a list of the worst names given by celebrity parents: I don't
know
> WHY I didn't think of these when naming my kids...
>
>
> 10. Rumer Glenn, Tallulah Belle and Scout LaRue, daughters of Bruce Willis
> and Demi Moore
>
> 9. Jett, son of John Travolta and Kelly Preston
>
> 8. Diezel and Denim, sons of Toni Braxton and Keri Lewis
>
> 7. Prince Michael, Prince Michael II (AKA Blanket), and Paris Michael,
> children of Michael Jackson
>
> 6. Speck Wildhorse and Hud, sons of John Mellencamp and Elaine Irwin
>
> 5. Pilot Inspektor, son of Jason Lee and Beth Riesgraf
>
> 4. Tu Morrow, daughter of Rob Morrow and Debbon Ayre (seriously)
>
> 3. Audio Science, son of Shannyn Sossamon and Dallas Clayton
>
> 2. Moon Unit, Ahmet Emuukha Rodan, Dweezil, and Diva, children of Frank
> Zappa
>
> 1. Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily, Fifi Trixibelle, Peaches Honeyblossom, and
> Pixie, daughters of the late Paula Yates (Tiger Lily's dad is the late
> Michael Hutchence; Bob Geldof is father to the other three)
>
> Dishonorable Mention: Zowie (son of David Bowie -- he later changed his
name
> to Joe before settling on Duncan);
>
> Elijah Bob Patricius Guggi Q (son of Bono),
>
> Banjo (son of Rachel Griffiths),
>
> Jaz (daughter of Andre Agassi and Steffi Graf),
>
> Romeo and Brooklyn (sons of Victoria and David Beckham),
>
> Aurelius (son of Elle Macpherson),
>
> Lyric and Zephyr (daughter and son of Robby Benson),
>
> Hopper (son of Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn),
>
> Kyd (son of David Duchovny and Tea Leoni),
>
> Reignbeau and Freedom (son and daughter of Ving Rhames),
>
> and (gulp) Jermajesty (son of Jermaine Jackson).
>
>
>

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Jamaican Sex





A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the
marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop.


>From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You
foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!"


So the married couple walked in.


The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be
interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."


Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man
claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex God
he was.


The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sexfreak?" The
Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Man."


Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and
tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look
in his eyes... something his wife hadn't seen in many years!! In the blink of
an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table,
yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of
the Jamaican's hips.


The Jamaican then began screaming, "YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!! YOU GOT
DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!!

 

[moreluck]

PHONE PROBLEM
An elderly lady phoned the telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called -- and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog .... or the senile elderly lady.

He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.

4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which goes to show that some problems can be fixed by pissing and moaning.

 

[moreluck]

A Strange Lady


Even though this lady is residing in MY house, she may at some time appear in yours. Be alert!

A very weird thing has happened. A strange old lady has moved into my house.

I have no idea who she is, where she came from, or how she got in. I certainly did not invite her. All I know is that one day she wasn't there, and the next day she was!

She is a clever old lady and manages to keep out of sight for the most part, but whenever I pass a mirror, I catch a glimpse of her. And whenever I look in the mirror to check my appearance, there she is hogging the whole thing, completely obliterating my gorgeous face and body. This is very rude!

I have tried screaming at her, but she just screams back. The least she could do is offer to pay part of the rent, but no. Every once in a while, I find a dollar bill stuck in a coat pocket, or some loose change under a sofa cushion, but it is not nearly enough.

I don't want to jump to conclusions, but I think she is stealing money from me. I go to the ATM and withdraw $100, and a few days later, it's all gone!

I certainly don't spend money THAT fast, so I can only conclude the old lady is pilfering from me. You'd think she would spend some of that money to buy wrinkle cream.

And money isn't the only thing I think she is stealing. Food seems to disappear at an alarming rate -- especially the good stuff like ice cream, cookies, and candy. She must have a real sweet tooth, but she'd better watch it, because she is really packing on the pounds. I suspect she realizes this, and to make herself feel better, she is tampering with my scale to make me think I am putting on weight, too.

For an old lady, she is quite childish. She likes to play nasty games,like going into my closets when I'm not home and altering my clothes so they don't fit. And she messes with my files and papers so I can't find
anything. This is particularly annoying since I am extremely neat and organized.

She has found other imaginative ways to annoy me. She gets into my mail, newspapers, and magazines before I do and blurs the print so I can't read it. And she has done something really sinister to the volume controls
on my TV, radio, and telephone. Now, all I hear are mumbles and whispers.

She has done other things--like make my stairs steeper, my vacuum cleaner heavier and all my knobs and faucets harder to turn. She even made my bed higher so that getting into and out of it is a real challenge.
Lately, she has been fooling with my groceries before I put them away, applying glue to the lids, making it almost impossible for me to open the jars.

She has taken the fun out of shopping for clothes. When I try something on, she stands in front of the dressing room mirror and monopolizes it. She looks totally ridiculous in some of those outfits, plus,
she keeps me from seeing how great they look on me.

Just when I thought she couldn't get any meaner, she proved me wrong.

She came along when I went to get my picture taken for my driver's license, and just as the camera shutter clicked, she jumped in front of me!

I hope she never finds out where YOU live!

 

[moreluck]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax
and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight", the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?"

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for him.
He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be
able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one."

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Classified ads
> >
> >
> >
> > Actually Taken From Classified Ads In Newspapers:
> >
> > FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites
> > --------------------
> > FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog
> > --------------------
> > FREE PUPPIES: Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog
> > --------------------
> > GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free
> > --------------------
> > FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat ... been out awhile... better
> > be
> > reward.
> > --------------------
> > COWS, CALVES, NEVER BRED... Also 1 gay bull for sale.
> > --------------------
> > NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby
> > --------------------
> > GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown - 89 cents lb.
> > --------------------
> > NICE PARACHUTE: Never opened - used once
> > --------------------
> > JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300
> > --------------------
> > (AND THE LAST ONE)
> > FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45
> > volumes.
> > Excellent condition $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married
> > last
> > month. Wife knows everything.
> >

 

[moreluck]

Subject: The Dachshund





~
> A wealthy old lady decided to go on a photo safari in Africa. She took
> her faithful pet dachshund along for company.
>
> One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the
> dachshund discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a
> leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of
> having lunch.
>
> The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed
> some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew
> on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
>
> Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly,
> "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more
> around here."
>
> Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of
> terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.
>
> "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."
>
> Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby
> tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
> protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.
>
> But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed and
> figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the
> leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
>
> The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey,
> hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."
>
> Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back,
> and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog
> sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them
> yet. Just when they get close enough to hear the dachshund says, Where's
> that damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another
> leopard!"
>
> REMEMBER: IF YOU CAN'T DAZZLE THEM WITH BRILLIANCE, BAFFLE THEM WITH BS
>

 

[moreluck]

REPUBLICAN NATIONAL COMMITTEE CONVENTION SCHEDULE - New York, NY
>>
>> 6:00 PM Opening Prayer led by the Reverend Jerry Falwell
>> 6:30 PM Pledge of Allegiance
>> 6:35 PM Burning of the Bill of Rights (excluding 2nd Amendment)
>> 6:45 PM Salute to the Coalition of the Willing
>> 6:46 PM Seminar #1: Getting Your Kid a Military Deferment
>> 7:30 PM First Presidential Beer Bong
>> 7:35 PM Freedom Fries served
>> 7:40 PM EPA Address #1: Mercury: It's What's for Dinner
>> 8:00 PM Vote on which country to invade next
>> 8:10 PM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh
>> 8:15 PM John Ashcroft Lecture: The Homos Are After Your Children
>> 8:30 PM Round table discussion on reproductive rights (men only)
>> 8:50 PM Seminar #2: Corporations: The Government of the Future
>> 9:00 PM Condi Rice sings "Can't Help Lovin' Dat Man"
>> 9:05 PM Second Presidential Beer Bong
>> 9:10 PM EPA Address #2: Trees: The Real Cause of Forest Fires
>> 9:30 PM break for secret meetings
>> 10:00 PM Second Prayer led by Cal Thomas
>> 10:15 PM Carl Rove Lecture: Doublespeak Made Simple
>> 10:30 PM Rumsfeld Lecture/Demonstration: How to Squint and Talk
>> Macho
>> Even When You Feel Squishy Inside
>> 10:35 PM Bush demonstration of trademark "deer in headlights" stare
>> 10:40 PM John Ashcroft Demonstration: New Mandatory Kevlar Chastity
>> Belt
>> 10:45 PM Clarence Thomas reads list of black Republicans
>> 10:46 PM Third Presidential Beer Bong
>> 10:50 PM Seminar #3: Education: A Drain on Our Nation's Economy
>> 11:10 PM Hilary Clinton Pinata
>> 11:20 PM John Ashcroft Lecture: Evolutionists: A Dangerous New Cult
>> 11:30 PM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh again
>> 11:35 PM Blame Clinton
>> 11:40 PM Laura serves milk and cookies
>> 11:50 PM Closing Prayer led by Jesus Himself
>> 12:00 PM Nomination of George W. Bush as Holy Supreme Planetary
>
>
>

 

[moreluck]

QUESTIONS:

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose
between three rooms. The first is full of raging
fires, the second is full of assassins with
loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that
haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

2 A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him
under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs
him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together
and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it,
and gray when you throw it away?

4. Can you name three consecutive days without using
the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday,
Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?








ANSWERS:








1. The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.

2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her
husband, developed it and hung it up to dry.

3. Charcoal.

4. Sure you can: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow!

 

[moreluck]

Subject: I Swear...a True Story!





:

A college professor, an avowed Atheist, was teaching his class. He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated that there is no God, the _expression, "One Nation Under God", was unconstitutional, and further, he was
going to prove there is no God. Addressing the ceiling he shouted: "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"

The lecture room fell silent. You could have heard a pin fall. Ten minutes went by. Again he taunted God, saying, "Here I am, God. I'm still waiting."

His countdown got down to the last couple of minutes when a Marine just released from active duty and newly registered in the class walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him ass over teacups from his lofty platform. The professor was out cold! At first the students were shocked and babbled in confusion.

The young Marine took a seat in the front row and sat silent. The class fell silent...waiting.

Eventually, the professor came to, shaken. He looked at the young Marine in the front row. When he regained his senses and could speak he yelled, "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

"God was busy. He sent me."

 

[moreluck]

Louisiana Ghost Story

This story happened about a month ago in a little town in Louisiana, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real. Read to the end.

This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm. The night passed slowly and no cars went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car slowly looming, ghostlike, out of the gloom. It slowly crept toward him and stopped. Reflexively, the guy got into the car and closed the door, then realized that there was nobody behind the wheel. The car slowly started moving again. The guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was slowly approaching a sharp curve. The guy started to pray, begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and he would plunge to his death, when just before the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Paralyzed with terror, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally, the guy gathered his wits and leaped from the car and ran to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of tequila, and told everybody about his horrible, supernatural experience. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was apparently sane and not drunk. About half an hour later two guys walked into the same bar. One said to the other, "Look, Boudreaux, dere's dat idiot that rode in our car when we was pushin it in the rain."

 

[moreluck]

Age Advantage.....

If I could, I'd enlist today and help my country track down those responsible for killing thousands of innocent people in New York City and Washington, DC But, I'm over 50 now and the Armed Forces say I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 35 to join the military. They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys.

You shouldn't be able to join until you're at least 35. For starters:

Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more that 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the enemy we'll complain them into submission. "My back hurts!" "I'm hungry!" "Where's the remote control?"

An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer yet and you shouldn't go to war until you're at least old enough to legally drink. An average old guy, on the other hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons of beer by the time he's 35 and a jaunt through the desert heat with a backpack and M-60 would do wonders for the old beer belly.

An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys get up early every morning to pee.

If old guys are captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd probably forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would actually be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we actually like soft food. We've also developed a deep appreciation for guns and rifles. We like them almost better than naps.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sergeant now, "Get down and give me... er...one."

And the running part is kind of a waste of energy. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to actually carry on a conversation, and to wear pants without the top of his butt crack showing and his boxer shorts sticking out. He's still hasn't figured out that a pierced tongue catches food particles, and that a 400-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda Accord can rupture an eardrum. All are great reasons to keep our sons at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off to possible death.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked our hearts on September 11. The last thing the enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million old farts with attitudes.

Share this with your senior friends.

 

[moreluck]

They finally revealed the ingredients in Viagra:

3% Vitamin E
2% Aspirin
2% Ibuprofen
1% Vitamin C
5% Spray Starch
87% Fix-A-Flat

 

[traveler]

John goes to Africa on a safari. While there, he comes upon an elephant in great pain, with a giant thorn in its foot. John very carefully approaches the elephant, and gingerly removes the thorn from its foot. The elephant begins to walk away, then turns and stares at John for a full minute, locking eyes with him. The elephant then continues on its way.
"I wonder if I ever see that elephant again if it will remember me?" John muses to himself.

It is a few years later, and John is at a circus back in the States.

He notices that one of the elephants keeps looking at him, almost like it KNOWS him. John wonders, "Could this be that elephant I helped so long ago?"

He decides to get a closer look. With the elephant still giving him the staredown, John moves in closer, getting right up in front of the elephant. They lock eyes. A knowing look seems to cross the elephant's face. It reaches down... picks John up carefully with its trunk... lifts him high in the air... throws him crashing to the ground and stomps him to death!

Turns out it wasn't that elephant.

 

[traveler]

PHONE PROBLEM

Oops! Sorry, but moreluck posted this one while I was away in Europe!

(Message edited by traveler on May 30, 2004)

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Up, Up, and away


There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meaning than any
other

two-letter word, and that is "UP." It's easy to understand UP, meaning
toward the

sky, or at the top of the list, but when we waken in the morning, why do
we

wake UP?


At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, why are the

officers UP for election, and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP
the

minutes? We call UP our friends. We use objects to brighten UP a room.
We polish

UP the silver. We warm UP the leftovers, and clean UP the kitchen. We
lock

UP the house, and some guys fix UP the old car.


At other times, the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP

trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP and appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be

dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.


This is confusing: A drain must be opened UP, because it is stopped UP.
We

open UP a store in the morning, and we close it UP at night. We seem to
be

pretty mixed UP about UP. To be knowledgeable of the proper uses of UP,
look UP

the word in the dictionary. In a desk-size dictionary, UP takes UP
almost

one-fourth the page, and definitions add UP to about 30. You might try
building

UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP time, but don't
give

UP, you may end UP with 100-plus.


When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets
UP

the earth. When it doesn't rain for a while, things dry UP. One could
go on

and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so I'll shut UP.