Heard any good ones?

[moreluck]

Seen On Tee Shirts........


P.M.S. Purchase More Shoes

Sarcasm.....just one more service I offer.

Change is good.....you go first.

RETIRED . . . . . they'll go out of business without me!

White Guy - Can't Dunk

I'm still hot. It just comes in flashes now.

Fashion can be bought - Style, one must possess.

You never see a Harley parked in front of a psychiatrist's office.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Bowlers never die...they just end up in the gutter.

Just be happy I'm not a twin.

I love the swooshing sound deadlines make as they fly by

What am I ? Flypaper for freaks ?

Cats regard people as warm-blooded furniture.

We have enough youth.....how about a fountain of smart ??

I'm the quiet neighbor who always kept to himself.

I don't have an attitude problem, you jerk!!

If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman to hear him. Is he still wrong ?

I'm not bossy. I just know what you should be doing.

I'm only wearing black until they make something darker.

Organized people are just too lazy to look for things.

Who are you and why are you reading my shirt ?

 

[robonono]

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night, trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse throws down a shot of bourbon, slams the empty glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite and then make off with the cheese."

The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila, drinks them down one after the other, slams both glasses onto the bar, turns to the first mouse and replies, "Oh yeah? When I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.

The third mouse finishes the beer he has in front of him, lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this
bull. Gotta go home and screw the cat."

 

[moreluck]

Bubba and Billy Ray are from Arkansas visiting a relative in the state
prison
at Huntsville, Texas. Walking along Sam Houston Street they see a sign
which
reads,
'Suits $5.00 each, shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 each'.
Bubba says to his pal,"Billy Ray, "LOOK! We could buy a whole lot of
those,
and when we get back to Hope, we could make a fortune.Now when we go
into
the
shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all the talking 'cause if they
hear
our accent,they might not serve us. I'll speak in my best Texas drawl."
They
go in and Bubba pours out his order for 50 suits at $5.00 each, 100
shirts
at
$2.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at $2.50 each. Then he adds, "I'll
back
up
my pickup and..."
The owner of the shop interrupts, "You're from Arkansas, aren't you?"
"Oh, yes," says a surprised Bubba. "How come you know that?"
The owner says, "This is a dry-cleaners."

 

[robonono]

GOOD:
A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem - a 10 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." The officer
then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of change. (And to think all we did was sell lemonade.)


BETTER:
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo
of Handcuffs.


BEST:
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball," He replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.

 

[robonono]

When her late husband's will was read, a widow learned he had left the bulk of his fortune to another woman. Enraged, she rushed to change the inscription on her spouse's tombstone.

"Sorry, lady," said the stonecutter. I inscxribed
'Rest in Peace' on your orders. I can't change it now."

"Very well," she said grimly. "Just add, 'Until We Meet Again.' "

 

[moreluck]

It's What You Believe.....

She is 92 years old, petite, well poised, and proud. She is fully dressed each morning by eight o'clock, with her hair fashionably coifed, and her makeup perfectly applied, in spite of the fact she is legally blind.
Today she has moved to a nursing home. Her husband of 70 years recently passed away, making this move necessary.
After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, where I am employed, she smiled sweetly when told her room was ready. As she maneuvered her walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of her tiny room, including the eyelet curtains that had been hung on her window.
"I love it," she stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy.
"Mrs. Jones, you haven't seen the room...just wait," I said.
Then she spoke these words that I will never forget:
"That does not have anything to do with it," she gently replied. "Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room or not, does not depend on how the furniture is arranged. It is how I arrange my mind. I have already decided to love
it. It is a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice.
I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or I can get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do work. Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open, I will focus on the new day and all of the happy memories I have stored away...just for this time in my life.
Old age is like a bank account. You withdraw from what you have already
put in.

 

[moreluck]

I Believe......

I believe-
that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are,
but we are responsible for who we become.
I believe-
that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and
you must forgive them for that.
I believe-
that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to
doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
I believe-
that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance.
Same goes for true love.
I believe-
that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.
I believe-
that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be
the last time you see them.
I believe-
that you can keep going, long after you can't.
I believe-
that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.


I believe-
that either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I believe-
that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to
be done, regardless of the consequences.
I believe-
that money is a lousy way of keeping score.
I believe-
that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.
I believe-
that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will
be the ones to help you get back up.
I believe-
that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that
doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
I believe-
that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had
and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays
you've celebrated.
I believe-
that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you
> have to learn to forgive yourself.
>
> I believe-
> that no matter how bad your heart is broken the
world doesn't stop for
> your grief.
>
> I believe-
> that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean
they don't love
> each other. And just because they don't argue, it
doesn't mean they do.
>
> I believe-
> that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret.
It could change
> your life forever.
>
> I believe-
> that two people can look at the exact same thing
and see something
> totally different.
>
> I believe-
> that your life can be changed in a matter of hours
by people who don't
> even know you.
>
> I believe-
> that even when you think you have no more to
give, when a friend cries
> out to you you will find the strength to help.
>
> I believe-
> that credentials on the wall do not make you a
decent human being.
>
> I believe-
> that the people you care about most in life are
taken from you too
> soon.

 

[moreluck]

There's Hope....

Two men crashed in their private plane on a South Pacific Island.

Both survived. One of the men brushed himself off and then proceeded to run all over the island to see if they had any chance of survival.


When he returned, he rushed up to the other man and screamed, "This island is uninhabited, there is no food, there is no water. We are going to die!"


The other man leaned back against the fuselage of the wrecked plane, folded his arms and responded, "No we're not. I make over $250,000

per week."


The first man grabbed his friend and shook him. "Listen, we are on an uninhabited island. There is no food, no water. We are going to die!" The other man, unruffled, again responded. "No I make over $250,000 per week."


Mystified, the first man, taken aback with such an answer again repeated, "For the last time, I'm telling you we ARE doomed. There is NO one else on this island. There is No food. There is NO water. We are, I repeat, we are going to die a slow death."


Still unfazed, the first man looked the other in the eyes and said, "Do not make me say this again. I make over $250,000 per week.--- I tithe.


MY PASTOR WILL FIND US!"

 

[moreluck]

> This happened in a little town in Mexico, and even though it sounds like
an
> Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's absolutely true!
>
> This guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and
in
> the middle of a storm. The night was passing and no car went by. The
> storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly,
> he saw a car coming towards him and stopped. The guy, without thinking
about
> it, got in the car and closed the door and then realized----that there's
> nobody behind the wheel!
>
> The car starts very slowly. The guy looks at the road and sees a curve
> coming his way. Scared, he starts to pray, begging for his life. He
> hasn't come out of shock when, just before the car hits the curve, a hand
> appears thru the window and moves the wheel.
>
> The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appears every time
they
> are approaching a curve. The guy, gathering strength, gets out of the car
> and runs all the way to the nearest town. Wet and in shock he goes into
a
> cantina, asks for two shots of tequila, and starts telling everybody about
> the horrible experience he just went through. A silence enveloped when
> everybody realized the guy was crying and wasn't drunk.
>
> About half an hour later two guys walk in the same cantina and one says
to
> the other, "Look, Pepe, that's the that got in the car while we
were
> pushing it!"

 

[moreluck]

The Politically Correct Way......

She's not a CHICK or a BABE - She's a BREASTED AMERICAN.

She's not HALF NAKED - She's WARDROBE IMPAIRED.

She's not CONCEITED - She's INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.

She's not EASY - She's HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

She doesn't GAIN WEIGHT - She's a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.

She hasn't BEEN AROUND - She's a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

She doesn't FLIRT or TEASE - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.

She doesn't TURN YOU ON - She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.

She doesn't WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.

She doesn't have a KILLER BODY - She's TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.

She's not KINKY - She's a NON-INHIBITED SEXUAL COMPANION.

She doesn't get CHUBBY or FAT - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.

She doesn't get TIPSY or DRUNK - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She's not HORNY - She's SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

She's not COLD or FRIGID - She's THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.

She doesn't WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She reaches COSMETIC SATURATION.

She doesn't have BREAST IMPLANTS - She's GRAVITY RESISTANT.

She doesn't NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.

She's not a SLUT - She's SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

She's not LOOSE - She's MORALLY IMPAIRED.

She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She's PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.

 

[moreluck]

> While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on
a
> beach and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and
> with a smile said "Master, may I grant you one wish?"
>
> "You ignorant unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I
don't
> need any common woman giving me anything" barked Bin Laden.
>
> The shocked genie said "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be
returned
> to that bottle forever."
>
> Osama thought a moment. Then grumbled about the impertinence of the
woman,
> and said "Very well, I want to awaken with three white women in my bed in
> the morning, so just do it and be off with you!"
>
> The annoyed genie said, "So be it !" and disappeared. The next morning Bin
> Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary
Clinton.
>
>
> His penis was gone, his knee was broken, and he had no health insurance.
>
> God is good.

 

[browntoes]

<font color="ff0000"><font size="+1">
A Texas UPS driver was on his way to start his route for the day, when he decides to take a new way out...As he is driving down the highway, he comes across a low lying bridge that has a sign...Height 13'1"...Not thinking, he continues to go under and immediately gets his truck wedged beneath the bridge..Shortly after comming to a immediate halt, and officer pulls up and says..."Oh, stuck huh?...Thinking quickly for a response, the UPS driver turns to the police and say.."No sir, I was just delivering this here bridge, when I ran out of gas!!!"</font></font>

 

[moreluck]

>The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a
>Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the
>head of the table was a large pile of apples.
>
>A Nun made a note, and posted it on the apple tray,
>'Take only one, God is watching.'
>
>Moving farther along the lunch line, at the other end
>of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
>
>A child had written a note, 'Take all you want,
>God is watching the apples.'

 

[moreluck]

Degrees.....

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

 

[traveler]

Hormone hostage


Every "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are

days in the month when all a man has to do is open

his mouth and he takes his life in his hands.

This is a handy guide that should be as common

as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband,

boyfriend, or significant other.



DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?

SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?

SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?


DANGEROUS: Why are you so worked up?

SAFER: Could we be overreacting?

SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.


DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?

SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.

SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!


DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?

SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.

SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?


DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?

SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.

SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.


Top 9 Things PMS Stands For:

1 Pass My Shotgun

2 Pack My Stuff

3 Perpetual Munching Spree

4 Puffy Mid Section

5 People Make Me Sick

6 Provide Me with Sweets

7 Pardon My Sobbing

8 Pimples May Surface



Q: How many women with PMS does it take to

change a light bulb?


A: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY?

Because no one else in this house knows

HOW to change a light bulb! They

don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would

sit in the dark for THREE DAYS

before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out,

they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that

they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS!

But if they did, by some miracle,actually find them 2 DAYS LATER,

the chair they dragged to stand on to change the

STUPID

light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!!

AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE

THE WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!!

BECAUSE NO-ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!!

IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL

SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE

THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE

ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD

TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS HOUSE! I'm sorry.... What

did you ask me?

 

[moreluck]

Quickies....

>A redhead, brunette, and blonde all walked into a bar. The redhead told the
>bartender, "I'll have an MGD". The bartender asked, "What's an MGD?" The
>redhead replied, "Duh....a Miller Genuine Draft."
>Then the brunette said, "I'll have a BL." The bartender said, "What's a BL?"
>The brunette said, "Duh...a Bud Light."
>Then the blonde said, "I'll have a 15." The bartender sighed and said "Okay
>I give up, what's a 15?" The blonde replied, "Duh...a 7 and 7."
>
>
>A golfer stood over his tee shot for what seemed like an eternity. Looking
>up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and
>speed. Driving his partner nuts.
>Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the
>blasted ball!"
>The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want
>to make this a perfect shot."
>"Forget it man, you'll never hit her from here!"
>
>A woman was waiting in the check-out line at a shopping center. Her arms
>were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies.
>By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in a hurry and not
>happy about the slowness of the line.
>When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman
>remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home
>before Thanksgiving!"
>"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With a good tail wind and that
>brand new broom you have there, you'll be home in no time."
>

 

[moreluck]

Good Old Days...


"Hey Dad," one kid asked the other day, "what was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?"

"We didn't have fast food when I was growing up," I informed him. "All the food was slow."

"C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?"

"It was a place called "at home," I explained. "Grandma cooked every day and when Grandpa got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it."

By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table. But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it:

Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis, set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card. In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears AND Roebuck. Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died. My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer. Bicycles weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow). We didn't have a television in our house until I was 11, but my grandparents had one before that. It was, of course, black and white, but they bought a piece of colored plastic to cover the screen. The top third was blue, like the sky, and the bottom third was green, like grass. The middle third was red. It was perfect for programs that had scenes of fire trucks riding across someone's lawn on a sunny day. Some people had a lens taped to the front of the TV to make the picture look larger.

I was 13 before I tasted my first pizza. It was called "pizza pie." "When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had.

We didn't have a car until I was 15. Before that, the only car in our family was my grandfather's Ford. He called it a "machine." I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house was in the living room. Before you could (rotary) dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line (called a Party Line).

Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was. All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers. I delivered a newspaper, six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which I got to keep 2 cents. I had to get up at 4:00 am every morning. On Saturday, I had to collect the 42 cents from my customers. My favorite customers were the ones who gave me 50 cents and told me to keep the change. My least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.

Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. I don't know what they did in French movies. French movies were dirty and we weren't allowed to see them.

If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with the young ones. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing. Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?

 

[moreluck]

This is Fun.....

A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

There are two plastic jugs filled with water. How could you put all of this water into a barrel, without using the jugs or any dividers, and still tell which water came from which jug?

What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?

Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?

This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out.

/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/

Answers:


The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.

The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry.

Freeze them first. Take them out of the jugs and put the ice in the barrel. You will be able to tell which water came from which jug.

The answer is Charcoal.

Sure you can: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow!

The letter "e," which is the most common letter in the English language, does not appear once in the long paragraph...

 

[moreluck]

> A priest and a minister stood by the side of
> > the road, holding up a sign > that said, "The
> > End is Near! Turn yourself around now before
> > it's too late!" They planned to hold up the sign
> > to each passing car.
> >
> > "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yelled the
> > first driver as he sped by.
> >
> > From around the curve, they heard a big splash.
> >
> > "Do you think," said one clergyman to the other,
> > "we should just put up a sign that says 'bridge out'?"
> >

 

[moreluck]

The Homeowners Guide To Basic Tools


Hammer - In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on one's enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself.

Screwdriver - The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver.

Phillips Screwdriver - The bar drink that you order when the damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka.

Pliers - A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install.

Multi-Pliers - Contain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools. Best left in it's leather sheath and worn on a homeowner's belt to increase testosterone levels.

Electronic Stud Finder - An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself.

Halogen Light - A worklight that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you're working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway.

Cordless Drill - A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool.

Cordless Telephone - The handyman's 911.

Air Compressor - A mechanical device similar in principal to harnessing the power of your mother-in-law's nagging complaints and using the resulting airflow to blast old paint off the side of the house.

Chainsaw - Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidentally built completely around yourself