Heard any good ones?

[moreluck]

Subject: History of The U.S.

"Write the history of the
United States in 100 words or less":

Creation. Evolution. Civilization. Exploration.
Colonization. Taxation. Representation? Declaration. Revolution.
Celebration. Constitutionalization. Election. Inauguration.
Succession. Institutionalization. Conflagration. Migration.
Plantation. Expansion. Destination Manifestation. Annexation.
Secession. Rebellion. Abolition. Emancipation Proclamation.
Assassination. Reconstruction. Industrialization. Assassination.
Invention. Transportation. Urbanization. Exploitation.
Stratification. Assassination. Unionization. Protection.
Regulation. Suffrage Extension. Balkanization. Destruction. League
of Nations. Prohibition. Immigration. Depression. Socialization.
Construction. Isolation. Deterioration. Penetration.
Fission-n-Fusion. Annihilation. Radiation. Polarization.
Militarization. Partition. Persecution. Automation. Failed
Invasion. Assassination. Investigation. Division. Demonstration.
Mind Alteration. Space Exploration. Bra Incineration. Obfuscation.
Resignation. Elation. Stupification. Abortion. Stagflation. Gas
Station. Computerization. Communication. Deregulation. Pollution.
Deforestation. Kinder, Gentler Nation. Reunification.
Reconciliation. Verification. Recession. Demarcation.
Obliteration. Glorification. Education

 

[moreluck]

Democrats Vs. Republicans

Here are a few important observations, before the election campaign heats-up:

Republican boys always expect to grow up and marry Republican girls and please their parents.

But they always date Democratic girls because they think they're entitled to a little fun first.

Democrats step on bugs.

Republicans call an exterminator.

Democrats eat the big fish they catch.

Republicans have them mounted.

Democrats sit on the dock and fish,

Republicans expect to have someone else drive the boat.

Democrats make a lot of plans, but don't do much with them.

Republicans are still following the plans their grandfathers made.

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Ponder these . . .





>
>
> 1. Can you cry under water?
>
> 2. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just
> "chunky dunk."
>
> 3. How important does a person have to be before they are considered
> assassinated instead of just murdered?
>
> 4. If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
>
> 5. Why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny
> for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
>
> 6. Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you
> were buried in for eternity?
>
> 7. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
>
> 8. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it
> would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
>
> 9. Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies
> wake up like every two hours?
>
> 10. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
>
> 11. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in
> binoculars to look at things on the ground?
>
> 12. How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty
> for Miss America?
>
> 13. If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
>
> 14. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose
> fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't
> have signed up in the first place!
>
> 15. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could
> simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
>
> 16. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you
> haven't fallen asleep yet.
>
> 17. Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
>
> 18. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but
> they can in prison?
>
> 19. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have
> started with something called labor!
>
> 20. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
>
> 21. Why do we park in driveways and drive on parkways?
>
>
>

 

[moreluck]

KIDS TODAY THINK ON THEIR FEET

TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"
JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN: Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!

*************

TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!

*************

TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLIE: Me!

*************

TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

*************

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen.... Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

*************

TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."

*************

TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
JOHNNY: "Because George still had the ax in his hand."

*************

TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SAM: No sir, I don't have to,. . .my Mom is a good cook.

*************

TEACHER: Morris, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog!

*************

TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
PUPIL: A teacher

 

[navigator]

FIRST KID: I found some contraceptives on the patio.
SECOND KID: Whats a patio?

 

[moreluck]

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

 

[navigator]

A manager is a person who thinks that nine women ought to be able to produce a child in one month...

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Remembering 1904 - One hundred ears ago

Remembering 1904 - One Hundred years ago

The year is 1904 ... one hundred years ago. What a difference a century
makes! Here are some of the U.S. statistics for 1904:

The average life expectancy in the U.S. was 47 years.

Only 14 percent of the homes in the U.S. had a bathtub.

Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.

A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.

There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S., and only 144 miles of paved roads.

The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.

Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated
than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents, California was only the
21st most populous state in the Union.

The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.

The average wage in the U.S. was 22 cents an hour.

The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year.

A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500
per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a
mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.

More than 95 percent of all births in the U.S. took place at home.

Ninety percent of all U.S. physicians had no college education. Instead,
they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and
by the government as "substandard."

Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.

Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used borax or egg yolks
for shampoo.

Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the country for
any reason.

The five leading causes of death in the U.S. were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke

The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and
Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.

The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was 30.

Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented.

There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.

Two out of 10 U.S. adults couldn't read or write.

Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated high school.

Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at
corner drugstores.

According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy
to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect
guardian of health."

Eighteen percent of households in the U.S. had at least one full-time
servant or domestic.

There were only about 230 reported murders in the entire U.S.

And I forwarded this from someone else without typing it myself, and sent it
to you in a matter of seconds!

Try to imagine what it may like a 100 years from now.

 

[moreluck]

TRIVIA......

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is
decapitation.
(Much worse than "going blind!")
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to
travel the countryside
and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the
privilege of having sex
for the
first time... Reason: under Guam law, it is
expressly forbidden for
virgins
to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job
anywhere else in the
world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to
kill her adulterous
husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The
husband's lover, on
the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England -
but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with
her husband, and the
first
time this happens, her mother must be in the room to
witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to
have sex with a woman
and
her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they
had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from
vending machines with
one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a
vending machine
only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold
for consumption on
the premises."
(Is this a great country or what? Not
as great as Guam!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories
an hour.
(Who volunteers for this stuff?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have
sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull
30 times its own
weight and always falls over on its right side when
intoxicated. (From
drinking little bottles of...?)
(Did the govt. pay for this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that too)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
And, the best for last.....
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(Do you think they have bad breath?)

 

[moreluck]

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER:
1. Sag, you're It.

2. Hide and go pee.

3. 20 questions shouted into
your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket

5. Red Rover, Red Rover,
the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Musical recliners.

7. Simon says something incoherent.

8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.


SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:
1. You sell your home heating
system at a yard sale.









2. You have to write post-it notes
with your kids' names on them.

3. You change your underwear
after a sneeze.


OLD IS WHEN:

1. Going bra-less pulls all the
wrinkles out of your face.

2. You don't care where your spouse goes,
just as long as you don't have to go along.

3. Getting a little action means I don't
need fiber today.

4. Getting lucky means you find your
car in the parking lot.

5. An all-nighter mean s not getting up to pee!

6. A Friend Is Like A Good Bra..
Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable,
And Always Close To Your Heart!


Miscellaneous Thoughts:

I signed up for an exercise class
and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed
up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go
"skinny dipping", now I just
"chunky dunk".

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever
we messed up our life we could
simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete'
and start all over?

Stress is when you wake up
screaming and then you realize
you haven't fallen asleep yet.

My husband says I never listen
to him. At least I think that's
what he said.

Just remember...if the world
didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

If raising children was going to
be easy, it never would have
started with something
called labor!

Brain cells come and brain cells
go, but fat cells live forever.

Procrastination is the thief of time.

 

[moreluck]

A guy comes into a coffee shop and places his order, he says "I want three
> flat tires and a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."
> >
> >The waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, goes to the kitchen and asks
the
> cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires and a pair of
> headlights and pair of running boards. What does he think, this is an auto
parts
> store?"
> >
> >"No" the cook says, "three flat tires means three pancakes and a pair of
> headlights is two eggs sunny side up and running boards is 2 slices of
crisp
> bacon."
> >
> >"Oh," says the waitress. The waitress thinks about this and then she
spoons
> up a bowl of beans and gives it to the customer.
> >
> >The guy says, "What are the beans for?"
> >
> >The waitress replies, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat
tires,
> headlights and running boards, you might want to gas up!"
>

 

[navigator]

A man walked into a supermarket and bought a loaf of bread, a pint of milk, and a frozen dinner for one. The woman at the checkout said, "you're single, arn't you?"
The man said "Yeah, how did you guess?"
She said, "Because you're ugly."

 

[moreluck]

$50 Parrot
>
>
>
> A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large
>beautiful parrot
>
> There was a sign on the cage that said "$50.00".
>
> "Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
>
> The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first
>that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it
>says some pretty vulgar stuff."
>
> The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the
>bird anyway.
>
> She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living
>room, and waited for it to say something.
>
> The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New
>house, new madam."
>
> The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then
>thought, "that's not so bad."
>
> When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird
>saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
>
> The girls and the woman were a bit offended, but then began to
>laugh about the situation.
>
> Moments later, the woman's husband, Tom, came home from work.
>
> The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Tom."

 

[moreluck]

Just plain funny for everyone!
George and Laura Bush and Bill and Hillary Clinton are traveling by
train to the Super Bowl. At the station, George and Laura each buy a ticket
and watch as Bill and Hillary buy just one ticket.

"How are the two of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks George
W, astonished at what he is seeing.

"Watch and learn," answers Hillary.

They all board the train. George and Laura take their respective seats
but Bill and Hillary cram into a toilet together and close the door. Shortly
after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.
He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in
hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Bushes see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea, so
after the game they decide to try a similar plan on the return trip.

When they get to the station they see the Clintons at the window buying
a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Clintons see
that the Bushes don't buy any ticket at all.

"Aren't you taking a terrible chance by traveling without a ticket?"
says Hillary.

"Watch and learn," answers Laura Bush.

When they board the train the Bushs cram themselves into a toilet and
the Clintons cram into another toilet just down the way. Shortly after the
train is on its way, George W. leaves their toilet and walks over to the
toilet in which the Clintons are hiding. George W. knocks on their door and
says, "Ticket, please."

(And you're still trying to figure out how the Democrats lost that
election.)

 

[moreluck]

Dormitory Rules

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined twenty dollars the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined sixty dollars. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of one hundred eighty dollars. Are there any questions?"

A voice from the back of the room called out: "How much for a season pass?"

 

[moreluck]

Warning Signs That You Need A New Lawyer.....

- You met him in prison.

- During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.

- He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser".

- When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.

- He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."

- During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.

- He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."

- A prison guard is shaving your head.

 

[moreluck]

Speedy God

Out of the blue one day, Jonah, 5, asked, "Mom, who
is speedy God?"

She wasn't sure what he meant, so she asked him to
repeat the question.

He repeated, "Who is speedy God? Is he the same
as the real God or is he a different one?"

His mother told him she had no idea what he was
talking about.

So Jonah continued, "Well, you should know who he
is. You talk to him in church all the time."

And then she figured out if you say "Thanks be to
God" quickly it comes out as "Thanks, Speedy God!"

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Flasher

Did you hear about the flasher that was thinking about retiring?

He decided to stick it out for one more year.

 

[moreluck]

Riders

A foursome of elderly gentlemen came back after a round of golf. At the 19th hole in the Clubhouse, the Pro asked them, "How did your game go?"

The first said he had a good round with 25 riders. The second said he did OK with 16 riders. The third said not too bad since I had 10 riders. The fourth was disappointed and said that he played badly with only two riders.

The Pro was confounded by this term "rider" but not wanting to show his ignorance just smiled and wish them better golf the next time. He then approached Jerry the bartender and asked, "Jerry, can you tell me what does this term 'riders' mean?"

Jerry smiled and explained that a "rider" is when you have hit a shot long enough to take a ride on a golf cart.

 

[moreluck]

Three Students
Three aspiring student psychiatrists from various colleges were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from the University of Houston, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," replied the student.

"And the opposite of depression?" the professor asked of the young lady from Rice.

"Elation," said she.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "How about the opposite of woe?"

The Aggie replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."