Heard any good ones?

[moreluck]

Subject: Prep School

The headmistress at a girls' prep school in the old South
(circa 1959) calls down to the army base and speaks with one of the
officers: "We're having a social here at school and I was wondering if
you could send some of your nice young men to attend." "Why of
course," the Lieutenant answers. "Just one thing," says the lady. "Of
course you'll make sure there aren't any Jews there." "Why of course,"
the Lieutenant answers. On the day of the dance, a bus pulls up from
the base. Out comes a platoon of black GIs. The schoolmistress is
quite distressed. "Why, why, there must be some mistake," she says to
a burly black Master Sergeant. "Why heck no, ma'am," he replies. "Lt.
Goldberg NEVER makes a mistake!"

 

[moreluck]

Probably a repeat, but some things just need repeating!!

These apply to every person as they enter Texas.
> > Learn 'em & 'member 'em. You East Coast and
> > California-types should pay extra particular
> > attention!
> >
> > 1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an
> > idiot.
> >
> > 2. Let's get this straight; it's called a
> > "gravel road." I drive a pickup truck because I need
> > to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to
> > get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get the hell out
> > of the way.
> >
> > 3. Those are cattle & oil wells. That's what
> > they smell like to you. They smell like money to us.
> > Get over it. You don't like it? I-20 and I-10 go
> > east and west, I-35 goes north and south. Pick one
> > and go.
> >
> > 4. So you have a $60,000 dollar car. We're
> > impressed. Some of us have quarter-million dollar
> > cotton strippers that we drive 3 weeks a year.
> >
> > 5. So what if every person in every pickup
> > waves. It's called being friendly. Try to
> > understand the concept.
> >
> > 6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of
> > doves are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your
> > hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your
> > ear at the time.
> >
> > 7. Yeah, we eat catfish & crawdads. You really
> > want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner
> > bait shop.
> >
> > 8. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer
> > season. It's a "religious" holiday held the closest
> > Saturday to the first of November.
> >
> > 9. We open doors for women. That applies to
> > everyone, regardless of age.
> >
> > 10. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the
> > menu. Order a steak or order the Chef's Salad and
> > pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.
> >
> > 11. When we fill out a table, there are three
> > main dishes: meats, vegetables and breads. We use
> > three spices: salt, pepper and green chili. Oh,
> > yeah.... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati
> > call that stuff you eat... It AIN'T REAL CHILI!!
> > Chili was born and bred in San Antonio... and real
> > chili never met a tomato!
> >
> > 12. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be
> > brown, wet, and served over ice. You bring "Mary
> > Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to
> > shoot, drive a truck and have long, pretty hair.
> >
> > 13. High School Football is as important here as
> > the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun
> > to watch.
> >
> > 14. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit the
> > water hazards - it spooks the fish.
> >
> > 15. Colleges? Try Texas A&M or the University of
> > Texas. They come outta there with an education, plus
> > a love for God and country, and they still wave at
> > passing pickups when they come home for the
> > holidays.
> >
> > 16. We have more folks in the Navy, Army,
> > Marines and Air Force than any other state, so
> > "Don't Mess with Texas." If you do, you will get
> > your butt whipped by the best.
> >
> > 17. Always remember what our great governor Sam
> > Houston once said: "Texas can make it without the
> > United States, but the United States can't make it
> > without Texas."
> >
> > 18. By the way, the boys that captured So-Damn
> > Insane (Hussein) were from... Yep! You guessed
> > it~~"The Great State of Texas."
> >
> > God bless Texas and her people!
>

 

[moreluck]

> >Chicken Sandwich
> >
> >
> > A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became
> >friends.
> > Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered
> >that
> > they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all
through
> >the
> > fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich
> >wasn't a
> > chicken sandwich. He said, "Hey, how come you're not
> > eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?" She said "I love it but I
> >have
> > to stop eating it.""Why?" he asked. She pointed to her lap and said
> >"Cause
> > I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!""Let me see" he said.
> > "Okay" and she pulled up her skirt. He looked and said, "That's right.
> >You
> > are! Better not eat anymore chicken." He kept eating his chicken
> >sandwiches
> > until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, "I
> >have
> > to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down
> >there
> > too!" She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for
> >her.She
> > said "Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the neck
and
> >the
> > gizzards."
>

 

[moreluck]

Mammy-Grams

For years and years they told me,

Be careful of your breasts.

Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.

And give them monthly tests.

So I heeded all their warnings,

And protected them by law.

Guarded them very carefully,

And I always wore my bra.

After 30 years of astute care,

My gyno, Dr. Pruitt,

Said I should get a Mammogram

"O.K," I said, "let's do it."

"Stand up here real close" she said,

(She got my boob in line),

"And tell me when it hurts," she said,

"Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."

She stepped upon a pedal,

I could not believe my eyes!

A plastic plate came slamming down,

My hooter's in a vise!

My skin was stretched and mangled,

From underneath my chin.

My poor boob was being squashed,

To Swedish Pancake thin.

Excruciating pain I felt,

Within it's vise-like grip.

A prisoner in this vicious thing,

My poor defenseless tit!

"Take a deep breath" she said to me,

Who does she think she's kidding?!?

My chest is mashed in her machine,

And woozy I am getting.

"There, that's good," I heard her say,

(The room was slowly swaying.)

"Now, let's have a go at the other one."

Have mercy, I was praying.

It squeezed me from both up and down,

It squeezed me from both sides.

I'll bet SHE'S never had this done,

To HER tender little hide.

Next time that they make me do this,

I will request a blindfold.

I have no wish to see again,

My knockers getting steam rolled.

If I had no problem when I came in,

I surely have one now.

If there had been a cyst in there,

It would have gone "ker-pow!"

This machine was created by a man,

Of this, I have no doubt.

I'd like to stick his balls in there,

And see how THEY come out!

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Keeping up on the news


News flash just in for the year 2035:

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as California's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally... Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria, and Lebanon)
.
Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being overtaken by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only.

35 year study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%.

Florida Democrats still don't know how to use a voting Machine

 

[moreluck]

How do you tickle a rich girl?

Say, "Gucci Gucci Gucci!"

 

[moreluck]

How To Tell If You're Over The Hill.............

You no longer laugh at Preparation H commercials.

Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

You buy shoes with crepe rubber soles.

The only reason you're still awake at 2 A.M. is indigestion.

People ask you what color your hair used to be.

You enjoy watching the news.

Your car must have four doors.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

You have a dream about prunes.

You browse the bran cereal section in the grocery store.

You start worrying when your supply of Ben Gay is low.

You think a CD is a certificate of deposit.

You have more than 2 pair of glasses.

You read the obituaries daily.

Your biggest concern when dancing, is falling.

You enjoy hearing about other peoples' operations.

You wear black socks with sandals.

You know all the warning signs of a heart attack.

You dance slow to this song.

If any of the above apply to you:

You Are Over The Hill!

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Write a short story

A young woman was supposed to write a short story in as few words as
possible for her college class. The instructions were that it had to
discuss Religion, Sexuality and Mystery. She was the only one in the class
to receive an A+, and this is what she wrote:

Good God, I'm pregnant; I wonder who did it.

 

[moreluck]

TEN COMMANDMENTS FOR STRESS REDUCTION

I. Thou shalt not be perfect, or even try to be.

II. Thou shalt not try to be all things to all people.

III. Thou shalt sometimes leave things undone.

IV. Thou shalt not spread thyself too thin.

V. Thou shalt learn to say "no".

VI. Thou shalt schedule time for thyself and for thy support network.

VII. Thou shalt switch thyself off, and do nothing regularly.

VIII. Thou shalt not even feel guilty for doing nothing, or saying no.

IX. Thou shalt be boring, untidy, unelegant, and unattractive at times.

X. Especially, thou shalt not be thine own worst enemy. But, be thine own best friend.

 

[rd0127]

After a long, hard day at work, a husband came home to his wife demanding that he take her out that night to some place "very expensive".

He rolled his eyes, but agreed to her demand.

She got all dressed up and he took her out that night, as promised, to the most expensive place he knew.

He took her to a gas station

 

[moreluck]

I was on vacation, playing the slot machines. It was my first time in a casino, and I wasn't sure how the machines operated. "Excuse me." I said to a casino employee. "How does this work?"

The worker showed me how to insert a bill, hit the spin button, and operate the release handle.

"And where does the money come out?" I asked.

He smiled and motioned to a far wall before saying, "Usually at the ATM."

 

[moreluck]

Subject: kids

These questions were reportedly asked by elementary children and appeared in a newspaper article.

Dear God: Why did you make people talk foreign languages? It would be easier if everybody could talk English like you and me.

Dear God: If you made the sun and the moon and the stars you must have had lots of equipment.

Dear God: Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones why don't you just keep the ones you have now?

Dear God: How come you only have 10 rules and our school has millions?

Dear God: When you made the first man did he work as good as we do now?

Dear God: There were no clouds Saturday so I think I saw your feet. Did I really?

Dear God: I know there's a God because I go to His house on Sunday and see all the cars parked there.

Dear God: Where does yesterday go? Do you have it?

Dear God: I'm afraid of things at night more than in the day. So if you could keep the sun on longer that would be a good thing.

 

[moreluck]

Subject: new coin

A spokesperson for the U.S. Mint announced that a new fifty-cent piece was being issued to honor two great American patriots.

On one side of the coin would be Teddy Roosevelt and on the other side, Nathan Hale.

Asked why two people were going to be on the same coin, the spokesman replied, "Now, when you toss a coin you can simply call.... 'Ted's or Hale's'."

 

[traveler]

Subject: Why Do Men Die First??





This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries ..... but, now we know.

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race... you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework...you're a pansy.
If you work too hard...there's never any time for her.
If you don't work enough...you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay..this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay.....you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her....that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you.....it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks......it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet..........it's male indifference.
If you cry............you're a wimp.
If you don't........ you're an insensitive bastard.
If you make a decision without consulting her.........you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you......she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy....... that's domination.
If SHE asks you..........it's a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear......you're a pervert.
If you don't.............you're gay.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape......you're sexist.
If you don't................you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape................you're vain.
If you don't...............you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers............you're after something.
If you don't....................you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements.........you're full of yourself.
If you don't....................you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache............she's tired.
If you have a headache.............you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often.........you're oversexed.
If you don't................there must be someone else.

Men die first because they want to..

 

[moreluck]

Subject: housekeeping

As a professional homemaker, I help invalids and elderly people with their housework. One day I remarked to an elderly couple that there was never any dust in their house. "No," explained the husband, sadly, "we don't move fast enough to make any."

 

[moreluck]

Sunday Thoughts

1. Faith is the ability to not panic.

2. If you worry, you didn't pray. If you pray, don't worry.

3. As a child of God, prayer is kind of like calling home every day.

4. Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape.

5. When we get tangled up in our problems, be still. God wants us to be still so God can untangle the knot.

6. Do the math. Count your blessings.

7. God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts.

8. Dear God: I have a problem. It's me.

9. Silence is often misinterpreted, but never misquoted.

10. Laugh every day, it's like inner jogging.

11. The most important things in your home are the people.

12. Growing old is inevitable, growing up is optional.

13. There is no key to happiness. The door is always open.

14. A grudge is a heavy thing to carry.

15. He who dies with the most toys is still dead.

16. We do not remember days, but moments. Life moves too fast, so enjoy your precious moments.

17. Nothing is real to you until you experience it, otherwise it's just hearsay.

18. It's all right to sit on your pity pot every now and again. Just be sure to flush when you are done.

19. Surviving and living your life successfully requires courage. The goals and dreams you're seeking require courage and risk- taking. Learn from the turtle -- it only makes progress when it sticks out its neck.

20. Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.

 

[moreluck]

Subject: sunday school

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."

Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said, "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

 

[moreluck]

How can a woman scare a gynecologist?

By becoming a ventriloquist.

 

[rd0127]

The Moods of a Woman


An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle a stranger alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk,
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.



The Moods of a Man


Hungry.
Horny.
Sleepy.

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Adam & Eve

After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and
Abel. They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden. One of the boys
asked, "What's that?" Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate
us out of house and home."